


We've Got A Big Mess On Our Hands

by Watabi12



Category: Black Veil Brides, Cobra Starship, Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, Panic! at the Disco, The Academy Is...
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, BDSM, Body Image, Coming Out, Depression, Dom/sub, Eating Disorders, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Family Member Death, Holding Hands, Hospital Abuse, Hospitalization, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kissing, M/M, Mentioned suicide, Oral Sex, Sexting, Sexual Fantasy, Spanking, Swearing, Teacher-Student Relationship, Teacher/Student Roleplay, Therapy, Workplace Sex, cuteness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-15
Updated: 2017-08-19
Packaged: 2018-03-13 03:16:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 32
Words: 91,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3365723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Watabi12/pseuds/Watabi12
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>William is on everyone's lips. When he gets a new teacher it soon becomes clear that everything is passing William's lips except for the only thing that should be: food.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Let me just start off by saying that eating disorders are a serious issue - I am fully aware of the severity and sensitivity of this topic. I am drawing on my own experiences and the experiences of others who have been through this to form a narrative that conveys the seriousness of the subject. I have nothing but hopes and wishes for anyone dealing with this that they can and will get better. 
> 
> You can find me on tumblr: http://vintage-mist.tumblr.com/ if you would like to talk to me about this story or need help dealing with a mental illness but don't know where to go.
> 
> Find the latest extract of the next update here : http://vintage-mist.tumblr.com/post/166159033977/whats-this-i-finally-got-my-arse-in-gear-and

William was the school bike. Everybody knew it. There’s not a single spot in the entire school that William hadn’t fucked in. The consensus of the students was that William would fuck anywhere. William knew what they said about him having STDs or getting that girl pregnant but he didn’t care. He was taking his coat from his locker with Travie and Patrick lingering behind him. They were talking about something that he wasn’t listening to _at all_. In fact he only heard the words ‘teacher quit’ and that was it. He couldn’t care less about teacher gossip, not when he was trying to hear the people next to him making mocking comments about the large purple bruise that appeared on William’s neck when he brushed his long, dark hair away.

_‘Are you seeing that?’ the girl cackled._

_‘I wonder who gave that one to him…’ her friend laughed back._

_‘I bet he has them all of his body – the filthy slut.’_

_‘You think he’d treat himself with a little more dignity.’_

_‘Some people are just too perverted to care. That Beckett kid’s a whore.’_

The girls walked away. He didn’t know who they were but they had obviously heard things about him. As William watched them float away - he saw a tall, skinny and feminine guy flying towards him with a grin.

‘Hey Bilvy,’ Ryan smirked. William had no doubt that he was smiling because they hadn’t seen each other since William had left Ryan’s bed in the early hours of the morning. Ryan’s hands clung around William’s boney hips and Ryan’s breath lingered against William’s neck. Ryan never cared about what people said. They both knew that some teacher walking down the corridor would be pulling them apart from each other. Mr Way was always pulling William aside to tell him that every teacher was there to support him through the mess that was his life.

‘Hey,’ William sighed back, already feeling the regret seeping into his consciousness.

‘You ready for the last period? There’s a new teacher,’ Ryan shrugged.

‘Great,’ William enthused sarcastically.

‘Who knows, Bilvy – they could be cute,’ Ryan laughed.

‘Aren’t you supposed to going on a date with Brendon tonight?’

‘Yeah… It doesn’t mean that I don’t have _eyes_ ,’ Ryan stuck out his tongue.

William shook his head with a snigger.

   They walked to last period together and sat down at their usual desk in the centre of the classroom. As they, and a few other students who actually bothered to get there on time, sat down an unfamiliar face dropped his bag onto the desk at the front.

William looked up to be met with a tall, short haired stranger. His face was strangely masculine and his skin was too tanned for early Spring in Chicago.

‘Hello,’ the man smiled warmly, ‘my name is Mr Saporta and I’ll be teaching you for the rest of this semester.’

William gulped. This guy was hot, too hot for the likes of _him_ ; too hot for the school meal ticket. William knew that he was out of his league – William was ugly, fat and completely stupid. _Fat. Fat. Fat. Fat. Fat. FAT._ The word lingered in William’s head as he tried to focus on writing down his work and Ryan’s useless slurs.

It turned out that Mr Saporta was super cool and extremely funny. He had spent the first half finding out what the class knew about fashion, which was almost nothing, and then the second half setting up everyone’s assignments for the rest of term. The whole class was a blur. William had only heard the slurs of his name from the back of the room.

‘Brendon just text me. He’s walking now so he’ll be waiting outside for us,’ Ryan chirped.

‘Cool,’ William vacantly replied, his mind focussed on writing down his assignment in his diary.

   That was it – class was over and Mr Saporta was dismissing everyone. William and Ryan packed, walking out with the crowd of students trying to escape school. Mr Saporta glanced over towards William.

‘Hey, kid – can I have a word please?’

‘Y- yeah, sure,’ William stuttered.

‘We’ll wait for you outside,’ Ryan shrugged.

William watched the rest of the class disperse and turned his attention to the man in front of him.

‘I’m not in trouble, am I?’ William coughed, playing with his long hair nervously.

‘Why would you be in trouble?’ Mr Saporta asked, his soft expression and friendly voice perpetuating William’s nerves.

‘I – I don’t know…’

‘Sorry – what’s your name again?’

‘William.’

‘Well why don’t you take a seat, William?’ the teacher suggested. William agreed, sitting down on the table closest to his desk as Mr Saporta jumped up on his own table. ‘Feel free to shut me up,’ Mr Saporta started, ‘but – are you – are you- are you _eating_?’

William felt the muscles in his long legs jitter. His fingers snapped at his dull, lifeless hair. ‘Wha – what?’ William coughed, eyes wide with shock.

‘Are you – eating properly?’

William’s throat was closing up. His heart beat in his chest and he felt his skin crawl. This guy had only been in his company for an hour and he was making bullshit assumptions. ‘Yes! Of course I’m eating,’ William stuttered, his voice becoming gravel.

‘Are you sure?’ the teacher quizzed – his eyebrows raising. ‘I’m not going to tell anyone.’

‘I am,’ William scowled.

The teacher clicked his tongue. ‘I’m not stupid, you know. I had anorexia for three years – I almost _died_ from it. I know the signs and well – you – you,’ Mr Saporta trailed off. ‘Sensitivity. Mood swings. Being nervous. Self-conscious… All those things,’ the man smiled sadly, ‘are symptoms. Denial – that’s another.’

‘I’m not whatever you’re insinuating,’ William shouted. _Who did this guy think he was?_ William’s muscles were aching as they twitched from nerves. _This man saw straight through him. He clocked you as soon as he walked in._ Food was something that William kept under control always. He never snacked and he never ate in public. He always had an excuse as to why he wasn’t in lunch or why he wasn’t eating. He had managed to get his diet down to one meal a day, even that was becoming harder but he wasn’t whatever this guy was calling him – he was fat and ugly; he needed to not eat for his own good.

‘Okay, okay,’ the teacher huffed. ‘Well, if you ever change your mind and need someone to talk to who completely understands then I am here.’

_Whatever, as if a guy like you is going to survive the kids at this school – get real._

William walked out, smiling at Ryan and Brendon who had been waiting for him by the lockers outside.

‘What did he want?’

‘Nothing. He was just talking about my project.’

Ryan didn’t ask any follow up questions – not with Brendon next to him, wearing too tight skinny jeans and slim fit t-shirt. William rolled his eyes as they walked down the corridor. Ryan and Brendon were engaged in a conversation that William was barely hearing. He was more focussed on how every set of eyes seemed to stare at him every time he was in the corridor. His stomach dropped from all the prying pupils.

   ‘Hey, I’m just going to the bathroom,’ William smiled, ‘Wait for me outside?’

‘Sure,’ Ryan dismissed, attempting to stay focussed on Brendon.

William darted left as they carried on walking straight. He felt sick; physically sick. He was disgusting – that’s why they were all staring. They were thinking what he knew. He was ugly. William swung open the bathroom door to find the place empty. He dragged his fingers through his hair. He was just about to go into the cubicle when he heard the door burst open behind him.

‘Beckett - I thought it was you,’ an unmistakable voice giggled. Before William could reply, he felt the boy’s lips on his skin. ‘Hayley Williams and I were comparing notes about you – you’re a very dirty boy,’ the teenager teased.

‘What do you want, Pete?’ William whispered back.

‘You,’ Pete murmured into William’s skin. William turned around, he caught Pete’s eyes rolling across his body before reaching his face. William bit his lip. _It just felt so nice to be wanted._ ‘How about I’ll drive by your house tonight? Take you to dinner?’ _Dinner? Not dinner. Not dinner. I can’t do that._ William felt his throat open in nausea. ‘Or a movie?’ Pete added when William remained silent.

‘A movie sounds alright,’ William croaked.

‘Then after, you can remind me why I dream about your lips,’ Pete smirked.

‘You never dream about my lips,’ William scoffed in disbelief.

‘Sure, I do,’ Pete chortled. He swept in closer until William could feel his breath against the pink flesh of his mouth. ‘I dream about doing this,’ Pete whispered before he planted his lips onto William’s. Pete kissed him, lips rough and ready then William let him slide his tongue into his mouth. Pete’s hands ended up at the small of his back. Pete was the first to pull away. ‘You’re dirt, aren’t you?’ Pete pouted suggestively.

‘Yes,’ William hissed.

Pete smiled. ‘Until later then. About eight, okay?’

‘Okay,’ William nodded.

Pete almost danced out of the restroom. William was left alone. The anxiety still lingered inside of him. His hand tucked his hair back behind his ears. All he wanted to do was walk into the cubicle and throw up the contents of his stomach. He’d eaten an apple and half a tube of pringles – he just wanted the sick feeling to stop and he knew that if he had nothing to vomit out that it would probably feel better – at least for a while. He wanted to but his thoughts were dragged back to the attractive man in the classroom accusing him of having some fucking eating disorder. _He didn’t have an eating disorder. He really didn’t._


	2. Chapter 2

William stared at himself in his body length mirror. Pete would be arriving any minute now and William was trying to smooth down his hair. He heard a horn beep from outside and peered through the window to recognize Pete’s car. He strode down the stairs only to be stopped by his mom at the door.

‘Billyboo, stop. You haven’t even told me where you’re going,’ his mom fussed.

‘Out with my friend, mom. They’re waiting – can I go?’

The women moved out of the door. ‘Be back or I’ll lock the door,’ she teased, a falsely hard expression on her face.

‘ _Whatever_ , love you,’ William shrugged before slamming the door behind him. He stumbled across his drive and into Pete’s car. ‘Hey,’ William chirped.

‘Hey. I hope you don’t mind – going to have to skip the movie. I’m going to drive us to a nice, private place and we can… do what we both want to,’ Pete smirked.

‘That’s cool,’ William beamed.

‘Good. Fuck, Bilvy – those lips of yours are already making me hard,’ Pete purred.

‘Focus on the road,’ William puffed as Pete shifted the gear into drive.

Pete let out a reptilian smirk. Pete and William weren’t actually friends – if they weren’t doing this Pete didn’t talk to William. William never knew what to say in these moments – he didn’t know anything about Pete except for his taste in films, food and sex. Pete turned up the radio – it didn’t help that the DJ was talking about safe sex. Pete and William both listened as this guy rambled on. ‘ _Teenagers these days are going to do it whether you like or not so you need to make sure that your kids are being safe. The internet means that kids know so much more about sex nowadays – you get kids that have had more sexual partners in their short life than I have in half of mine. So, sit your sons and daughters down – talk to them.’_ William rolled his eyes. He didn’t want to talk to his mom about how to use a condom, if he was having sex, how often – ‘ _I know it’s embarrassing but it has to be done. Your kids shouldn’t be ashamed of having a sex life’._ William bit his lip. _Could this guy be any more cliché?_

   ‘You shouldn’t do that,’ Pete smirked across at William, eyes momentarily swiping his face.

‘Do what?’ William questioned, teeth moving back to his lip when he shut his mouth.

‘ _That._ When you bite your lip like that – it makes _me_ want to bite it.’

William smiled. ‘Oh yeah,’ he teased, pressing his teeth into his bottom lip more noticeably.

Pete choked a laugh as he pulled up onto a lookout covered by some trees either side. It overlooked the whole of Chicago as the people worked, walked and the buildings watched as city’s heartbeat sang. Pete had no hesitation in placing his fingers onto William’s cheek and brushing his hair away. He leant forward until his hand was cupping William’s jaw and his lips were lingering so close to William’s. Pete half smiled as he kissed William briefly before he caught William’s pink flesh between his teeth. William whimpered as Pete’s teeth dug into his lip. Pete pulled away like a Cheshire cat that had just hunted down a mouse and was playing games with it as it squealed and dodged. He looked at William’s pale skin and how much his red lips contrasted with the rest of his face. Pete was just staring; holding William’s gaze and William’s body was growing inwards with self-doubt under Pete’s prying eyes. ‘Get in the back,’ Pete ordered.

William opened the door in order to jump in the back and Pete mimicked his actions. Pete pushed the passenger seat forward so that William could kneel in the foot space. William didn’t even need to be told - he opened the car door and stumbled into the back, kneeling on the car floor as Pete settled in the seat in front of him. He watched as Pete’s hands moved over his belt and unzipped his flies. Pete pulled his cock out, waving it in front of William’s face and William didn’t even want to peer up at Pete’s face; he simply licked his lips.

‘Fuck, Bilvy – I want you so bad. You’re such a whore,’ Pete murmured.

William sensed his heart skip a beat at how desperate Pete sounded for his touch. _It felt so good to be wanted._ William pulled in, tongue sharply licking at Pete’s head. Pete moaned, head falling back; hands knotting in William’s long hair. ‘Fuck – you’re such a _slut_ ,’ Pete breathed, ‘more than everyone says. They don’t even know how much of a whore you are.’

William didn’t even care if Pete called him all these degrading names, after all he was right – William was filthy and Pete had the memories to prove it; as did Hayley, Ryan, Patrick and plenty of other people that William didn’t know the names of. William’s lips stretched as he pulled Pete in and Pete groaned – hands ruthlessly pulling on William’s hair.

‘Your lips – Your. Fucking. Lips,’ Pete gasped. William sucked and slurped around Pete’s cock as it was painfully stiff in his mouth. He was on his knees for some guy that wouldn’t even admit to knowing his name in their everyday life – if he had an ounce of self-respect that would have bothered him but it didn’t – _it was just so nice to have anyone that needed him_ , even if it was someone who used him for sex. William persisted until Pete spilled out into his mouth, wailing obscenities as he came into William’s mouth. William shuffled back, his lips aching and his stomach feeling soft at the regret that was already settling into his consciousness.

‘Fuck. You never disappoint me, my lil piece of trash,’ Pete whispered. William still couldn’t bring himself to meet Pete’s eye so he just smiled and let Pete brush his fingers through his hair with a pant. He knew that Pete didn’t deserve that much intimacy but William didn’t matter and neither did anything Pete said to him.

****

Pete drove William back quickly. William shuffled out of the car and into the house. He felt empty and broken. He wanted to go to bed; sex made him _so tired_. His mom was waiting for him as he tried to sneak up the stairs to his bedroom.

‘Billyboo – come here,’ she called as William’s feet touched the second step.

William turned around in frustration. ‘Mom, I’m tired – I want to go to bed.’

‘Come sit with me – please,’ she smiled.

‘Fine,’ William exhaled. William followed his mother’s lead into the sitting room and sat next to her on the sofa.

‘Where did you go tonight?’

‘Just chilling with a friend,’ William shrugged.

‘Which friend?’

‘You don’t know him.’

‘Him? What were you doing exactly?’ his mother smirked suggestively, wiggling her eyebrows.

‘Mom. Jesus. No,’ William shrilled. He acted so defensively because his mom was completely right but he had no intention of telling her the truth.

‘Okay, calm down. It just seems like you being bisexual is another way that I stick my foot in my mouth,’ the woman laughed, nudging at the boy’s arm affectionately.

William couldn’t help but smile. ‘It’s okay. Look, mom – I know you probably want to talk because you think that I’ve been shutting you out but _I am real tired_ ,’ William yawned. He leant in to peck her on the cheek.

‘Your father was much better at this,’ she sniffed. William caught her eye contact. His face was gentle as he stared at possibly one of the only people he truly loved.

‘It’s okay. We’ll talk tomorrow – I promise. Night, mom.’

‘Night, Billyboo. I love you,’ the woman coughed.

William had already started sloping away and he felt _so numb_ as his legs carried him to his bedroom. He couldn’t bear to say it back to her this time – she deserved a better son. William hadn’t thought about his father in what felt like a century; not since the funeral. He laid his back onto his mattress. His skin stretched over his flat stomach in discomfort and his jaw ached. He wanted nothing more than to go to sleep and never wake up. His dad was lucky – he never had to get hurt again. He never had to lose a loved one, deal with people’s bullshit opinions or disappointing people. He never had to eat anything again. He never had to be fat and disgusting. William remembered everything his dad had ever said about sex like it was yesterday. ‘ _Never have sex with anyone that doesn’t know your middle name or your birthday. If they don’t know the things you love then they should not be loving you. You deserve their respect – it’s a right not a privilege; never let anyone make you forget that.’_ William smiled faintly before the memory faded. William was glad his father was dead; he was grateful that his father was not here to see how much of a whore he’d become. Junior Year was a lifetime ago. He had been such a fucking square – with the best grades in school and V card still very much intact. He didn’t even recognise that person. Mr Way constantly nagged at him about how good he used to be; about his prospects – how he was throwing himself away because he wasn’t applying to college. _What was the point? He was a hopeless failure._

   Only two days ago, Gerard had sat William down in his office and given him that look – the _why won’t you just believe me that you’re good enough even if you can’t see it_ glare that William knew so well.

‘William, last year you had the second best grades in the entire school – what happened? Your father wouldn’t want you to throw it all away,’ Gerard sighed.

‘My dad’s not here, G man, so it doesn’t matter what he _might_ have wanted for me. Anyway, I’m allowed to make my own decisions and I don’t want to go to college,’ William scoffed back.

Gerard’s eyes twitched in annoyance. ‘William, you know that you are supposed to call me Mr Way and I don’t understand how or why all this disbelief started but if you did it last year, you can do it this year. You’ve been skipping classes and I’ve been hearing even more rumours about you. It’s not my job to pry but your reputation, or at least what people say you do, is common knowledge. I earnestly hope it’s not true because it deeply upsets me to think you’ve been letting people do that to you. Why would you actively let people make you that small?’

William’s eyes fell to his lap. ‘So what if it was true?’ William didn’t dare peek up. He heard Gerard exhale heavily.

‘ _William_ ,’ Gerard cooed like a sympathetic matron tending to a seriously ill patient, ‘why? Why would you do that to yourself? You are so intelligent, funny, creative and you have so much potential – there was a time when you had so much hope and love as well. You were my best mentor until the end of last year,’ the teacher encouraged. William peeped up, face dropping because Gerard didn’t appear angry – he was too busy being extremely disappointed. William simply shrugged. ‘It’s not too late to turn this around, you know. You can still work hard and stop screwing and apply to college. I’ll be your referee,’ Gerard offered, voice softening.

‘No, G man, I’ve made up my mind,’ William objected. _I’m not good enough to get into college – it’ll just be another thing I’ll fail at. I belong on my fucking knees because I’m fat and ugly and dumb._

Gerard tapped his fingers on his desk in irritation. ‘Fine. But can you stop skipping classes, please? From now on you’re to be in every class until the end of the year or I will ring up your mom, myself, and tell her exactly what you’ve been up to.’

William reluctantly accepted to commit to this deal. ‘Fine, asshole.’ William had had enough of Gerard Way. ‘If you don’t mind,’ William sneered; standing up, ‘I have some girl to eat out somewhere. Have a nice day,’ William breathed, storming out. Gerard remained silent, letting him walk out.

   William’s uncomfortable stomach plunged him back into the darkness of his bedroom. He knew there was one class he wanted to attend and skip the most. He could almost taste the man’s dark features and caramel skin. _Fucker said he had an eating disorder. What did he know?_


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If there's mistakes in this, I'm sorry.

Gabe had actually been enjoying his new job. It was Thursday – almost a week since he had class with William and he wasn’t looking forward to William sitting there again tomorrow, in denial about the state he was quite obviously in. Gabe had been looking out for William all week and not seen him in the corridor nor the lunch hall. He was starting to wonder if the boy was ever actually in school. He was toiling over some papers that he didn’t finish marking yesterday and he’d let his class go early for lunch because they’d finished all their work, it seemed pointless to keep a bunch of hungry kids in a classroom with nothing to do. He was just finished correcting one student’s portfolio and he admired their ambition but he had no idea how that student would be able to complete their brief with the school facilities. He heard a knock at the door and he jumped, staring up expectantly as the door pressed open.

‘Hey, didn’t mean to disturb you?’ Gerard coughed apologetically.

‘No, please – of course, come in,’ Gabe smiled back and Gerard strode forward placing himself on the centre desk at the front of the room, closest to Gabe’s desk. Gabe dropped his pen and listened as Gerard began to speak.

‘I looked on William’s timetable and realized that you have him every Friday. Last week was he okay with you? I’ve had more than my fair share of complaints – teachers telling me that he’s disruptive, that he’s not even there or that the other students make it difficult for him and apparently it’s just easier to remove him from the situation – anyway,’ Gerard gasped, shaking his head – ‘have you had any problems with him thus far?’

‘No,’ Gabe replied. ‘He’s been fine in my class – he sat there like all the other kids and he talked me through his project when I called him up to do so. I have no complaints.’

‘That’s odd. You’re literally the only teacher to say that. What did you do? Drug the boy,’ Gerard laughed.

Gabe smirked. ‘Maybe he just likes the subject,’ Gabe shrugged.

‘No. There’s not a subject William likes on this curriculum – he made that quite clear when he had to choose them.’

Gabe didn’t know what to say after that so he ended up reiterating what he had already stated. ‘Well, in my class he’s perfectly fine. In fact, I’m looking forward to see him tomorrow.’

Gerard snorted. ‘Now I know you’re talking bullshit.’ He stood up. ‘Are you coming to the staff room?’

‘Yeah, I could do with some more coffee,’ Gabe grimaced as he lifted his body up.

Gerard and him chattered as they walked down the corridor, turning right into the staffroom. Surprisingly, it was actually pretty saturated with teachers for a time when periods were supposed to commencing.

‘Hey, cutie,’ Lyn Z chimed as Gerard walked into the room. Lyn’s arms cradle Gerard’s neck. Gabe dashed towards the sofa, placing his mug on the table.

‘Would you two knock it off? I’m trying to eat lunch here,’ Frank complained as his fork fiddled into the salad he was eating out of a plastic container.

‘Be quiet. They can kiss if they want to. It’s a free country,’ Mikey piped up.

Gabe was sitting there awkwardly. He’d only been at this school for a week and he didn’t know any of the people well enough to involve himself in this conversation.

‘Do you want a coffee, darlin’?’ Victoria called across and it wasn’t until she bent down to pick up his mug that Gabe realized this was addressed to him.

‘Yeah, please. If you don’t mind?’ Gabe smiled.

‘Nah, I’m making one anyway,’ Victoria shrugged.

Gerard and Lyn sit together, opposite Gabe – only being separated by a coffee table. Gerard flashed him a reassuring smile.

‘Hey, Frank – you’ll never believe this! William actually behaves in Gabe’s class,’ Gerard smirked.

‘No fucking way is that true. He’s a little shit in my class _when he decides to turn up_ ,’ Frank grumbled.

‘Well, yeah – I only had him once but he was absolutely fine – he just stayed quiet and worked on his project like everyone else,’ Gabe shrugged. Victoria gently placed a coffee on the table in front of Gabe and walked around the soft furnishings to sit next to him. Gabe’s leg jilted nervously. _Why did this kid keep coming up in conversation?_

‘Like fuck he did,’ Frank scoffed, fork stabbing into a lettuce leaf.

‘Frank, William obviously just has issues _with you_ like everyone else in the world - now leave the poor man alone,’ Mikey snapped.

Frank stuffed salad into his mouth and bit hard, crunching the lettuce loudly as the adults sipped their coffee.

Ray almost ran into the staffroom. ‘Hey everyone. I can’t stop, on lunch duty – only came to pick up a drink,’ Ray puffed. He quickly grabbed a cup of coffee and exited the room as the bell sounded for the lunch break and the corridors hastily buzzed into life.

Gabe needed to finish that marking. He stood up and shifted towards the fridge to take out the sub he had placed in there earlier. He smiled sheepishly. ‘I have marking to do. See you all later,’ Gabe coughed. He walked out, hearing Gerard’s voice as it lowered into hushed tones.

‘What’s wrong with you, Iero? It’s tough coming into a new school, asshole. Why are you intimidating the poor man? Don’t you know it’s his first official teaching post? He’s only 24. Leave him alone.’ Gabe didn’t linger long enough to hear Frank’s response. He simply strutted back to his classroom and continued with the marking he was desperate to complete.

 It was the end of day before he knew it. The drive back to his apartment was always a mixture of solitude and relief. Gabe wasn’t good at living on his own. He didn’t cope very well without at least some sound to distract from the fact he was alone. He sighed to himself as the corridors cleared. He was strolling down the hallway, he wasn’t really concentrating on what he was doing – instead planning his route home so he could stop off somewhere on his journey home. He hadn’t noticed that he went into the student toilets instead of the staff ones. He stumbled in. There was a tall, lanky figure bent over the sink in tears. His dark, long hair covered his face but from the mirror Gabe could see the boy’s face.

‘William? William? Hey,’ Gabe asked, concern dominating his voice.

‘Leave me alone. What are you even doing in this bathroom?’ William growled back, his voice mournful with drowned out tears.

‘William – what’s wrong?’

Gabe stepped forward and William turned his back against Gabe. Gabe could see from William’s reflection he was attempting to rub his red, puffy eyes dry as he sniffed. Gabe continued to move closer, reaching up to place a hand lightly on William’s shoulder. William flinched. Gabe’s fingers lightly lingered there. William burst out into tears again, his eyes leaking and nose running as he sobbed.

‘William?’ Gabe questioned.

William turned, face planting into Gabe’s chest, crying as Gabe wrapped his arms around him. He knew that this was strictly against the rules. _There were boundaries._ Yet, this boy needed help so Gabe couldn’t resist the urge to hold him into an embrace as he wept. _I’m only human._

‘You’re right about everything,’ William sniffled. ‘I came here to –,’ William paused, ‘but I couldn’t. I can’t escape what you said. It’s true. I tried so hard to convince myself it wasn’t true. I spent the last week telling myself you were making it up then I came in here to – but I couldn’t do it; I couldn’t go through with it because it would prove what you said and I need to do it – I need to do it so much.’

William’s head shifted to nuzzle into Gabe’s shoulder, still shuddering with tears. Gabe held him tighter. ‘It’s okay. The first step is admitting it. It gets so much easier after that,’ Gabe whispered into William’s hair. He didn’t know what had come over him. He could lose his job if anyone saw them like this.

‘I need your help. I can’t do this anymore. I need your help,’ William cried.

‘It’s okay. I’m here. Everything is going to be okay.’ Gabe couldn’t grasp the feeling inside of him but he simply wanted to hold this boy until he ceased to cry and still never let go.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I found this on tumblr and I love it because it fits this story so well. http://tommotommlinson.tumblr.com/post/56036849645/gabilliam-high-school-au  
> Enjoy. X

Gabe placed himself on the edge of his desk. William sat down in the chair, as he looked around – a puzzled expression crossing his face.

‘Why are we in G-man’s office?’ William questioned.

‘If by G-man you mean Gerard then yes - it’s because we share this office. He won’t be interrupting us, he has detention no doubt,’ Gabe smiled assuredly. ‘So – are you going to talk about what just happened?’

William’s face dropped, eyes staring at his hands in his lap. His eyes were still watery as he exhaled. ‘I lost it for a second – you just came in at the wrong moment. I’m fine,’ William lied.

‘Come on – look at me,’ Gabe cooed, William could feel the man’s delicious coffee eyes waiting expectantly. William stared up, completely unaware of how the teacher shifted just as uncomfortably under the boy’s gaze. ‘Tell me,’ Gabe almost whispered.

William opened his mouth but nothing materialised and he had to recollect his thoughts enough to speak. ‘S-s-so maybe I have a few issues. Nothing that I can’t handle _on my own_ ,’ William stuttered.

‘What kind of issues?’

‘You already know. Please don’t make me say it,’ William murmured.

Gabe nodded. ‘I thought you wanted to talk to me about it? Isn’t that why you’re here?’ Gabe asked.

William rubbed his face. _Not in Gerard’s office. Not with your eyes seeing through me like that. Not with you being so nice and understanding._ ‘Is it the office? I could have taken you to the classroom. I mean, we can always do this another time…’

‘How about after class tomorrow?’ William suggested.

‘Yeah, after your class tomorrow would be fine,’ Gabe nodded.

William shook his head. ‘No… I mean after school – I don’t feel comfortable talking to you in this place. Everyone’s already whispering about me,’ William puffed.

Gabe’s hands pulled tighter on the wood of his desk. ‘Outside of school hours?’ he choked. ‘Is that what it’ll take me to get you help?’ William only nodded. ‘Fine. What do you like doing?’ William smirked, eyebrows wriggling suggestively. ‘Other than that,’ Gabe laughed.

‘Shopping, Watching movies, singing,’ William shrugged.

‘Well,’ Gabe sighed, ‘how about I take you shopping tomorrow night? You look like you could do with someone cheering you, kid.’

‘Kid? I’m seventeen. I’m legal,’ William scoffed.

‘I’d really hoped what all those kids say about you wasn’t true.’

‘God, now you sound just like Gerard,’ William whined.

‘Maybe he’s right. You need to be kind of yourself,’ Gabe tutted.

_Why? What’s the point? It’s not like I matter._

‘I mean it,’ Gabe continued, ‘you’re too smart and too beautiful to throw your life away at your age.’

‘Too w-what?’ William stammered.

Gabe stood up then. ‘Too nice,’ Gabe corrected himself.

‘Oh,’ William gulped.

‘How are you getting home? Were you supposed to be catching a bus?’ Gabe quizzed.

‘Walk, I guess.’

‘I can drop you off – if you want?’

‘That would be nice,’ William smiled. ‘Thanks.’

‘Give me one second,’ Gabe beamed back.

   Gabe strode back to his classroom to gather his belongings. _What was he doing? Breaking all the rules for this boy? This boy with fuck me lips and chocolate eyes – this boy that needed his help because Gabe was the only person that truly understood exactly what he was going through._ Gabe knew that if he took that boy home – he was making a deeper choice; the choice to disobey the rules; to lose his job, maybe even his whole teaching career. _He wasn’t about to abandon him._ He gathered up his papers and his books from his desk, throwing his bag on the table to pack all of his belongings away. He hurried back to collect William, poking his head through the door.

‘You ready?’

‘Sure,’ William smiled back.

They walked in silence to the parking lot and the atmosphere didn’t improve on the journey to William’s house. The stereo blared out with Gabe too aware of his own actions and how his heartbeat increased every time that William peeked over to him. ‘So, come and find me after school tomorrow and I’ll drive us into town,’ Gabe smiled.

‘Thanks. I like it when people buy me stuff.’

‘You shouldn’t do that,’ Gabe groaned.

‘Do what?’

‘Give people power over you like that,’ Gabe breathed. William bit his lip; unsure about what to say next. ‘I’m just saying that as long as you let people – they will keep treating you like shit but if you don’t want them to – you have the power to make them stop. You hold all the power over yourself and you shouldn’t let anyone take that away.’

 _I am powerless. Maybe other people are strong but not me._ William bit down on his lip once more. ‘We’re almost there. Turn right,’ William instructed. Gabe parked outside William’s house where he told Gabe to pull in. ‘Thanks for the lift,’ William coughed, opening the door.

‘No problem. Think about what I said, okay?’

‘Okay,’ William agreed.

With that, William closed the car door and Gabe sped down the road. William strolled inside slowly because he’d promised his mother that they could talk and he couldn’t think of anything worse.

‘Billyboo is that you?’ the women called.

‘Yeah, mom – who else is it going to be? Courtney? She hasn’t been here since the holidays.’

‘I have dinner on,’ she chimed.

William frowned. Dinner was the only meal of the day that he tried his best to keep down; that way it was just enough to keep him going without feeling too hungry. It was getting harder to eat it; in fact, it was getting more difficult to eat anything. ‘Do you still want to talk?’ William sighed. William sat at the dining table, dropping his satchel to the floor. His mother accompanied him at the table.

‘Where did you go last night?’

‘Nowhere, really. We drove for a little while and messed around then he had to go home so I came back,’ William shrugged. ‘I’m doing okay at school, I have some cool friends and I’m fine,’ William listed.

The women nodded. ‘Okay. I wish that you wouldn’t shut me out so much,’ she lamented, attempting not to be too evasive.

‘I’m sorry mom.’ William leant across to peck on her the cheek. ‘I do love you, you know.’

‘I know, sweetie. I love you too,’ the women croaked back.

The oven beeped from the kitchen. William felt the sense of fear and nausea wash over him. _He could eat dinner; it wasn’t too many calories. He could. He could. He could._ Even as he told himself that he wanted to ingest it, he knew that he didn’t and that the second his mother removed the plates he would on his knees in the bathroom. _On his knees – where he belonged._

****

William stretched his spindly legs from under the desk as Gabe passed down the textbooks and scrawled the page references on the whiteboard. Ryan was sitting next to him rambling on about his dates with Brendon and about how Brendon was also dating this other guy called Dallon. William didn’t know why Ryan cared because they’d agreed on an open relationship.

‘Maybe I don’t want him seeing other people. I thought that I had wanted it but the thought of him with this Dallon dude instead of me – I don’t like it,’ Ryan ranted on.

‘Ry, we literally fucked like three days ago. I don’t see how you can ask him to be committed when you’re not,’ William laughed.

‘Well, maybe I want to be more committed to him. I don’t know – I don’t want him to be with anyone else. Fuck, if I have a boyfriend that means I have to come out to my parents, right?’

‘Well, no. You don’t ever actually have to come out. I mean – maybe if you and Brendon were in a committed relationship you’d want to?’ William speculated.

‘I don’t know,’ Ryan whinged.

William was conscious of Gabe lingering on the side closest to him and he tried to convince himself that it wasn’t so he could listen in but he really wanted that to be the reason. They’d managed to spend the whole class not talking to each other as William chatted to Ryan about Brendon. Gabe tended to various students that needed help. It was only when the bell rang and everyone was clearing out that Gabe asked William to stay behind _again._

‘What’s up with this dude? You never even misbehave in this class,’ Ryan mumbled. ‘I’ll be in the café, do you want anything?’

‘No, it’s okay,’ William smiled.

Ryan stumbled out of the door. Gabe took the same place he had taken last time, inviting William to follow his lead.

‘About tonight,’ Gabe coughed.

‘You’re not cancelling, are you? I knew you wouldn’t do it,’ William sighed.

‘I’m not cancelling but I could lose my job over this so I just need to know that if I do this for you – you’ll do what we agreed,’ Gabe probed, his serious teacher voice taking hold of his throat.

‘And what was that exactly?’

‘That you’d talk to me about what’s going on.’

‘Yeah, okay – whatever. I need to go because you keeping me behind is only highlighting it,’ William cautioned.

‘Highlighting what? It’s just shopping,’ Gabe shrugged.

‘You just said you could lose your job. I’ll catch you later,’ William smirked, standing up.

Gabe caught his arm, lightly. ‘William – you will talk to me, won’t you?’

‘I said yes – let go,’ William laughed, he couldn’t deny how good Gabe’s fingertips felt against him.

‘Try to eat something this lunchtime,’ Gabe called after him as William opened the door.

‘Whatever,’ William rolled his eyes; glowing inside that Gabe should even care.

     William knocked on the door of Gabe’s classroom and then opened it to find him piling up textbooks on his desk from where they had been distributed to each desk. He turned and gave a large, warm smile in William’s direction. William could feel the butterflies floating around in his empty stomach. He was tired, irritable and sort of anxious to be going somewhere with a man so beauty and so out of his league. ‘Almost ready,’ Gabe sang. ‘We might have to wait a while because it will look really weird if people see you getting in my car,’ Gabe blushed with a guilty glance to William’s feet. William shuffled forward, sensing the weight of his feet like iron clamps – he was disgusting; fat and going shopping with someone that wouldn’t look twice at him. _What did he have to lose? He might as well push his luck._ William walked closer until he was perching on Gabe’s desk, right next to where Gabe kept placing various books or papers. William smirked across at him, his eyes large and dark. William knew that he was good at this – in fact, his ability to seduce was one of the only talents he was truly proud of.

‘Why is that?’ William questioned, coaxing his head; fingers running through his long hair. ‘Is it because you can do all kinds of things in a car?’ His mind skipped back to two nights ago when he had let Pete fuck him in the back of his car and then the time before that when he had given Pete a blowjob. ‘Like singing along to the stereo… _or kissing… or more_ ,’ William purred. Gabe glanced up at him with a bewildered expression and William bit down on his lip, jumping up on Gabe’s desk and spreading his legs open. He wanted Gabe to positon himself inbetween them and kiss him until he couldn’t breathe; until his lips were sore.

‘William,’ Gabe reproached, ‘I’m not some horny teenager – you can’t just do that and expect me to lay you out on my desk. I’m your teacher, for fuck sake. I’m taking you shopping because I’m worried about you and I know how I wished that I had someone to help me when I was going through it,’ Gabe grumbled, his throat hot as William dropped his legs back against the desk face. ‘I care about you and I’m not the kind of person to engage in what you’re suggesting.’

‘Yesterday, you called me beautiful – you didn’t mean it; it’s okay,’ William whimpered.

Gabe bolted forward, fingertips brushing his chin as he forced William to stare up into his eyes. Gabe quickly pulled his own hand back. ‘No. I’m not going to use you for sex _because_ I think you’re beautiful – you’re smart, funny and too young to be ruining the little life you’ve had so far.’

William grinned. ‘Do you really mean that?’

‘Of course. I know that you can’t see it but that doesn’t make it any less true. Those voices telling you that you’re ugly and fat – they won’t be there forever but only if you let yourself get better – only if you _want_ to get better. That’s why we’re going to have some fun tonight and you can tell me what’s happening in that head of yours, okay?’ Gabe’s guise ripped through William as he searched for the answer he wanted.

‘Okay,’ William swallowed, feeling self-conscious under the teacher’s penetrating gaze.

‘It’s probably safe by now,’ Gabe chortled, gathering up the last of his belongings.

   The car ride was much the same as it had been previously, each male silent under the masked atmosphere of desire that clung to the contents of the drivable machine. David Bowie was playing through the stereo.

‘My dad met David Bowie. David fucking Bowie! How cool is that?’ William piped up.

‘Really? How?’

‘My dad spent some time in England when he was younger and David was just there at the same club as him. They actually danced together – he used to say it was by far the coolest thing he’d ever done. He said that even then everyone knew that he was going to be famous from how he spoke and how he held himself,’ William paused, taking a deep breath. ‘Sometimes, I really miss him being around to tell me stories like that – I know that it probably sounds childish but I really do miss him. I never thought he wouldn’t be here to see me graduate or go to college and when I used to think about getting married or having children – he would be with me every step of those journeys but he’s not and I – I never thought it was going to be like that,’ William sniffed.

‘It’s not stupid. Life makes us all travel down mysterious paths. Sometimes, all you can do is walk down the path and hope you’ve gone the right direction through the mist,’ Gabe smiled. ‘If you told me a year ago, I’d be living in Chicago – I really wouldn’t have believed you but here I am.’

William didn’t know what he was doing – opening up to a man that he barely knew because he treated him with an inch of respect. That voice in his head kept pounding away; telling him it was more than he deserved. William didn’t respond. He simply bit his lip into a silent lull and Gabe let him, eyes pinned on the road as the intense atmosphere reworked itself back into the awkward silence that perpetuated for the rest of the car journey.

   William had picked out two t-shirts and three pairs of skinny jeans to try on in the changing rooms and, after persuasion, Gabe had followed him into the changing rooms to comment on how terrible he looked in each item of clothing. William strolled in a pair of jeans that squeezed around his legs.

‘So, what do you think?’

Gabe averted his eyes as much he could. ‘Yeah, you look nice,’ he mouthed.

William smirked as he turned around, hands brushing over his ass as he faced the mirror sideways on. ‘You don’t think it’s too _tight_ around my ass, do you?’ William feigned innocence. Gabe’s face burnt. The boy knew exactly what he was saying as he grabbed hold of his own ass in the middle of the changing room isle. ‘I don’t want my ass to look tight. _Is my ass tight?_ ’ William questioned, voice thick.

‘William-,’ Gabe started and he was supposed to sound stern however he moaned instead. He cleared his throat.

‘Call me Bilvy,’ William interrupted.

‘Bilvy, your jeans look fine,’ Gabe reprimanded, eyebrows raising up.

William smiled, returning back into the changing room blocking Gabe out – leaving him in insolation with the mirror; with Gabe no longer there to distract him – he couldn’t help staring at the hideous monster that taunted him. He gulped, turning his back on himself.

   They’d ended up at Starbucks. Gabe carried a tray with two drinks and two snacks on it. He placed the beverages on the table. William glared down at the double chocolate chip cookie that Gabe had bought him. Gabe plonked the black coffee down next to him – the smell of pastries and cream was making William nauseous. He could barely force himself to watch the people eat and look at the sugary poison in front of him, let alone consume it. ‘It’s not going to hurt you,’ Gabe whispered.

‘I know that,’ William snapped back. He sipped at his drink. He didn’t enjoy black coffee that much but milk was way too fattening. In fact, he was doing his best to remove anything that constituted carbs, sugar or dairy out of his diet.

‘So… are you going to tell me what’s going on?’ Gabe asked, his teacher voice reappearing.

William slid his fingers through his hair, whimpered quietly. He didn’t want to talk about it. Not with Gabe; not with anyone. ‘I know you don’t want to but believe me, you’ll feel so much better when you’re not heaving all the weight of this around on your own,’ Gabe reassured. His hand reached across to lightly brush William’s as if to say: _I’m here, I’m listening; let me in._ William could feel his heart racing in his chest and the blood rushing all over his body. Gabe made him nervous; not only because he was asking him to open up but because he was so kind and beautiful - everything William could never deserve in a friend.

‘I – I don’t know how to even -,’ William stuttered.

‘Don’t think. Rambling is the best – close your eyes and open your mouth,’ Gabe nodded.

William laughed. ‘You’re not the first guy to tell me _that_ ,’ he smirked. Gabe scoffed. William closed his eyes, fingertips clinging at Gabe’s for support. ‘I’m just so ugly – ugly, fat, disgusting and stupid. I know what they all say about me but I don’t care because I agree with them – I am little more than a stupid whore. I like the attention I get from fucking – because whatever they think; at least they’re thinking it about me that means I matter to them in that moment – it means that I’m not completely invisible; sometimes I’m so scared that I’ll just fade away – not eating is something that I can control; I want to look good, not eating is the only method I have for doing that. It’s the only thing that is preventing me from _completely hideous_.’

Gabe sighed as William opened his eyes. ‘Willi – Bilvy. You’re not any of those things, okay? I want you to listen to me – _you are beautiful_ in every possible sense of the word. I mean it – you have so much and you only have to open your eyes enough to appreciate it. But _I promise_ I’m going to help you through this.’ Gabe took out a pen and scribbled down on the napkin. ‘Here’s my number. You can call me or text me whenever you want to.’ William slipped the napkin into his pocket.

‘Thanks,’ William flashed him a smile.

   They stayed in Starbucks until they had finished their drinks. Gabe carried all the clothes and magazines that he had bought William back to the car; William cruising alongside him.

Gabe drove him back, the clouds of desire unmasked slightly. Gabe parked up by the side of the road, outside William’s house again. William reached over the back to grab his bags. ‘I had a really nice time, thankyou,’ William purred.

‘Anytime,’ Gabe whispered back. ‘Think about what I said, okay?’

‘Okay.’

William jumped out, hearing Gabe’s car roll away. It was actually about seven by the time he made it through the door. He crept up the stairs, feeling his body whine under the pressure. He laid there, thinking about how Gabe had eaten the cookie for him; thinking about how understanding Gabe was; how amazing he made William feel. William fell into an unfamiliar sleep where he felt contented, not completely empty – Gabe’s eyes were all he could see as they smouldered throughout his mind.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that you are liking this so far. This chapter is pretty intense so maybe don't read it if you are having a bad day. You are beautiful. Thanks for your continued support. Comments are always lovely. X

Gabe couldn’t believe he had done that. He had taken a student _out_. _Sure, he had the purest of intentions._ But that wouldn’t matter. If anyone found out, he knew how it would look – he would lose his job; his career – _he had broken the law_. For what? For a kid that didn’t even care. Gabe shifted in his sheets. A kid that would spread his legs for anyone because he was simply that desperate to not feel alone. A kid that was so insecure that he couldn’t even force himself to ingest food. Gabe saw straight through him because he had been there himself. Gabe wanted to convince himself that his motives were entirely innocent. He couldn’t deny it to himself – William was beautiful; he had everything. Only a fool wouldn’t find William attractive on some level. _William was his student and he was vulnerable._ Gabe didn’t want to take advantage of the boy. He could perceive how him being close to William would look – even if it wasn’t like that; it would look like Gabe was abusing his position of trust. Nobody could call him a paedophile – the boy was almost eighteen. In the state of Chicago, William was legal.

   Gabe embedded his head into the pillow – however, he was still William’s teacher. He didn’t know what he was going to do. He knew that the kid needed help and he wasn’t about to leave him with nothing or nobody. They would have to be _so careful._ Gabe wanted to tell himself that it was only because of how it would look that they would have to hide their interactions but he knew it was more. When William had offered himself to Gabe – all he had wanted to do was push him back against the desk and kiss him. Give him something more than words to help him feel better – to make him feel beautiful. That feeling – it was more than wanting to offer him assistance – it was a strange dwindling of compassion and possessiveness. He didn’t know how he could see William walk down the corridor without wanting to pull him over or teach him in class without wanting to linger around him. He wanted to protect the boy – wrap him in blankets until he understood how much damage not eating really did; more importantly, how he didn’t need to abstain from food because it was all in his mind. This may be Gabe’s first teaching post but he knew that it wasn’t normal to have those feelings – his heart raced, his mind fluttered and his stomach sagged. His entire entity felt like dead weight around William. He had only spoken to the boy thrice in the last two weeks. Yet, he was everywhere. 

Gabe didn’t want to get up and start a new day in the morning. Monday was always the worst – but knowing that William could stumble into his vision filled the man with dread. He truly wanted to help William; his heart yearned to reach out to the boy but he knew it was such a mistake to have even taken it this far. Gabe didn’t know what he was doing; he had just been controlled by such a strong urge to save this boy and he knew it wasn’t simply because nobody had been there to save him no matter how much he had begged – even prayed. It was something that he couldn’t quite comprehend; as if a yarn of wool had been unspun throughout his life and as he was retrieving the string, a path had led him to William; as if they were tectonic plates designed to interweave together into the Earth’s crust. Gabe couldn’t escape the lingering impression that William evoked something deeper within him. _How could he?_ He had only met the boy three times. The boy’s eyes smouldered through his mind imagery, he shivered. He knew that something unexplainable was happening; he didn’t know how to combat it or control it – or if he even had the power to resist it. Maybe if Gabe didn’t have such a strong sense of responsibility and loyalty already to William; perhaps if he didn’t owe it to his past self – he could walk away but he knew it was far too late for that. All he could do was postpone what he knew was already happening – even if he didn’t exactly know what it was – he was bitterly aware that it had started. There was no turning back.

****

Ryan rested his head against William’s pillow. William turned onto his side to face him, hand resting gently on Ryan’s naked side. Ryan smiled up at him. Sex with Ryan was different to having it with Pete, Hayley or some person that William couldn’t remember the name of that he’d picked up from bars. Ryan was his best friend and he knew that Ryan _cared_ about him – so it was different. Ryan was gentle and _sexy_ – he would never willingly use William. William was lying there fully dressed on his own bed. He had forced Ryan onto his stomach – fucked him hard and fast before slipping his jeans back on so that Ryan didn’t have to see him; he didn’t wish that on anyone. Ryan was silent, eyes replying to William’s stare.

‘You’re so much prettier than me, asshole. You’re going to find some person that could only strive to deserve you,’ Ryan smiled. William swallowed. He had told a basic stranger that he was having some issues but he couldn’t tell the person that he had known since he could talk. Ryan had stayed over for a week when William’s father died. William sobbed into Ryan’s arms at night; at the funeral – everyone assumed that they were a couple. Ryan even joked that he could never deserve William.    

   Ryan was the only person that would always stick by him no matter what happened. He knew that he should tell him. How hard was it? _I have an eating disorder. Yesterday, I went on an almost date with a teacher._ William sighed. Ryan shifted beside him. ‘What? What is it? I know that face,’ Ryan asked. ‘I know when you’re lying too.’ William wanted to more than anything. He wanted to tell Ryan everything. The words stuck like blades in his throat. Ryan sat up, reaching for his t-shirt. ‘Seriously, Bilvy. What’s wrong?’ Ryan repeated, his voice drenched in concern and worry. Ryan leant forward, brushing the hair out of William’s face. ‘You can tell me anything, you know,’ he smiled. William knew that. He knew that Ryan would stand by him but he just couldn’t even say it. Ryan bent over to the floor, reaching for his jacket and his underwear. His cell emerged in his hand. William’s cell buzzed from his pocket and he took it out, display lighting up as he read the message.

_Ryan: What is it?_

They possessed a telepathic connection. Ryan texting was a usual occurrence when he could feel that William couldn’t verbalise his thoughts.

_William: Nothing. Don’t worry._

_Ryan: Don’t try to fob me off. You’re worrying me. You’re never this quiet after sex._

_William: Shut up, bitch. I am._

_Ryan: No, you’re not. What’s going on?_

_William: …_

_Ryan: …?_

William’s heart raced. He couldn’t keep anything from Ryan; he simply couldn’t. He had kept this secret for far too long. _William: Err, well… I_ and then William backtracked that completely. He was just going to write out. He could do that. _William: I think that I have an eating disorder and I told this teacher – yesterday he took me shopping._ William bit down on his lip as he pressed send, feeling the weight in his stomach. He kept his eyes to the screen, completely terrified of Ryan’s response. _What had he just done? Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._ Panic seized him as Ryan lingered over a response.

_Ryan: What? Can we talk? That’s kind of… what?_

   ‘What do you mean?’ Ryan questioned, his face measured as he turned. William opened his mouth to speak, only to close it again. Ryan rolled onto his back – letting William settle against his body, William’s head burrowed into Ryan’s shoulder with that rare feeling of comfort seeping into his body as Ryan’s arms wrapped around him. William shivered with nerves. ‘It’s okay, Bilvy – I’m right here,’ Ryan whispered. ‘You don’t have to tell me if you can’t…’

‘It’s just this – I’ve forgotten how to live, you know. I thought that I was doing alright, you know? I thought that I was coping and then I – don’t know – I just stopped eating because it was something that I could control when everything else seemed to be spinning so fast – my dad is dead and my mom needed so much support then Courtney went back to her life and it was just us in the house without his voice – without his laughter and I didn’t know what I was doing the first time – I just needed something that made me feel whole because I couldn’t see a future past that massive hole in all our lives. Sex isn’t enough, my future doesn’t matter anymore so school’s just become pointless and – I don’t know. It makes me feel like if everything else is failing at least I can control what goes into me – fuck knows I need to lose weight.’ Ryan’s face scrunched up at that last remark but he remained silent, hands stroking through William’s hair as he spilled his entire heart out. ‘What does it matter? _What do I matter?_ Then, when we were sitting in that class together he just saw straight through all my bullshit – exactly like you do – except he’s so beautiful and wise. He’s promised to help.’

Ryan let the information process. ‘Bilvy, you realise that we only have one class together this semester?’ Ryan laughed. ‘So, I know it’s Mr Saporta.’ William cussed himself for not thinking about that. William knew that even if Ryan wanted to give him a hard time; he wasn’t that type of person.

     William could feel the tears trailing down his face without his permission. He was breaking down without even noticing how far he was falling. ‘Hey, asshole,’ Ryan cooed, pulling William in tighter. ‘Why didn’t you tell me that this was going on?’ William didn’t answer him as the tears streamed down his cheeks. He nuzzled into Ryan’s shoulder. ‘It’s okay,’ Ryan reassured. ‘I knew you were having a rough time but I didn’t think – I’m sorry for not seeing it.’

William shook his head. ‘Don’t say that. It’s not your fault,’ William sniffed.

Ryan simply rested his hand on William’s head. ‘You’re my best friend, Bilvy. Any problem you have is my problem too, remember? We made a promise.’

‘We were ten,’ William laughed.

‘Hey – promises last a lifetime.’

‘Not much does these days,’ William sighed.

‘Well, you won’t if you don’t look after yourself.’

William exhaled deeply. ‘Maybe you should go – your parents will be worried.’ He didn’t need to hear that from Ryan. He felt as though a massive weight had been lifted from him but he was also far too aware that Ryan would be keeping tabs on him. He didn’t know what had possessed his body to tell Ryan. _He was such a massive cunt._

‘Are you sure? I’ll stay,’ Ryan offered. William didn’t feel as if he was going to completely fade away in Ryan’s arms. He didn’t feel _utterly_ empty and useless. ‘We can talk about it properly tomorrow,’ Ryan hushed.

William was _so tired_ ; of everything. His stomach didn’t hurt as much with Ryan’s hands applying pressure to his skin; the vacancy didn’t feel so urgent upon him. He was desperate for anyone to prove that they cared about him. Even as he sunk down into an uneasy sleep, the thoughts that he was fat and ugly sang him to sleep. It was worse than living; being so willing to be serenaded by suicide.


	6. Chapter 6

‘So that’s why you never have lunch with us? Shit,’ Ryan groaned. William laid there next to him trying to ignore his stomach as it howled out. He could sense his own skin stretching over his bones. He knew it was a lie. He had _too much fat_ to feel hungry. Ryan’s words were blurring into the space between his thoughts and his ears. ‘Bilvy?’ Ryan questioned.

‘S- sorry?’ William stuttered.

‘I said that we were going to talk about it and we are,’ Ryan snapped. William turned to face him, startled by Ryan’s sudden aggression. ‘I know it’s like 6am but tough shit. I can’t support you with this – not if you don’t tell me,’ Ryan sighed.

‘You won’t tell the others, w-will you?’ William stammered.

‘Of course not,’ Ryan scoffed, offended that William even felt the need to ask him that. ‘How bad is it?’

‘If by bad you mean far – then I try to restrict my calorie intake and only eat one meal a day.’

‘Do you..? You know – throw shit up,’ Ryan mouthed, his eyes roamed from William face.

William couldn’t bring himself to words. He silently nodded. Ryan exhaled loudly. ‘Why, Bilvy? Why would you do that to yourself? _To me?_ To your mom? She’s already lost one man and now you want her to lose her other,’ Ryan sniffed. ‘People die from this stuff, Bilvy.’

‘I know – I – I’m sorry,’ William whined. He was sorry. Maybe not sorry that he was doing it but sorry that Ryan was hurt by it.

‘You didn’t answer my question – _why?_ ’

William swallowed; muscles contracting. He didn’t owe Ryan anything but Ryan was the only person that had never let him down – even his mom; even Travie or Patrick had let him down at some point in their relationships – not Ryan. ‘I’m fat. I’m ugly. I’m _disgusting_. You must be able to see it. Food makes me feel sick. All those calories – it’s like you want me to be alone forever. How is anyone supposed to love me if I’m like _this_?’

Ryan’s eyes grew wide. ‘Bilvy, please tell me this is some sick joke. You’re one of the hottest people I know. Why would all those people want to fuck you if you weren’t attractive?’

 _To humiliate me. They know that I’m dirty. They want me on the floor where I belong._ William shrugged. _Lying. You’re all lying._ ‘Well,’ Ryan huffed, bringing William into a familiar embrace, ‘I want you to be more open about this with me. I want you to try and eat something today. You’re coming into the food hall with me,’ Ryan demanded, fingers tightening painlessly against William’s wrist.

‘You can’t tell me what to do,’ William defied.

‘No. But, fuck, this shit is serious. If we can’t deal with it together then – what did Mr Saporta say about it?’

‘W-what?’ William choked.

‘Mr Saporta – you told him before you told me. What did he say?’

‘That he wanted to help.’

‘And that’s it? Why did he take you shopping?’

‘To take me away from _this_. From people treating me like I’m a naughty toddler,’ William growled, ripping out of Ryan’s arms to sit up against the wall. ‘Go home Ryan. I’ll see you later in school.’

‘It’s like 6 am – we could just -,’ Ryan suggested.

‘Go home.’

‘Bilvy – I’m sorry. I’m just so angry. Not at you. Just that you feel like that; that I was too far up Brendon’s ass to even _notice_ ,’ Ryan cussed.

‘You guys sorted everything out yet?’ William quizzed, hoping to subvert the subject of conversation.

‘He’s the only openly not straight guy in school except for you – and me, I guess – but nobody even cares what I am, he gets so much crap for it. He said that didn’t know how we could be a couple at school and not get the shit ripped out of us. I have to sort of agree with him, to be honest,’ Ryan sighed. ‘But this isn’t about me. We were talking about you. Nice try though,’ Ryan nudged, elbow pressing into William’s calf.

‘Say you’ll come into the food hall – for me,’ Ryan batted his eyelashes with the most pathetic face.

William giggled. ‘Fine. I’ll come in,’ William puffed.

‘Good. You know I always get what I want,’ Ryan chortled.

‘I’m glad one of us does,’ William smiled back sadly.

****

William had to go straight to Gerard’s office as soon as he arrived at school. It was Monday morning – the last of his desires was to hear Gerard ramble on about attendance and his non-existent college application but he had no choice; it was the minimum that he could get away with without being suspended.

‘Aw, William – there you are,’ Gerard smiled as William pulled the door open. ‘Good morning,’ the man sang.

‘Hey,’ William replied sleepily.

‘Sit down,’ Gerard offered, hand reaching out to the chair on the other side of his desk.

‘The bell will go for first period soon,’ William argued.

‘Not for you. I wiped your timetable for the first hour. Please sit down,’ Gerard invited, a slight edge in his voice as if he was waiting for William to cause a scene. William simply huffed and shuffled into the chair, placing his legs over the side so that they dangled over the arms. Gerard pouted at it but remained measured. ‘So – how has the last week been going?’

‘Fine. Turning up to classes like you said.’

‘There’s not much point in turning up if you’re only going to disrupt everyone’s learning,’ Gerard sighed.

William rolled his eyes. He knew exactly what Gerard was talking about but _the man had fucking deserved it_. ‘He heard what all those kids said to me and didn’t say anything,’ William snapped. ‘They were calling me shit and he let them – then he wanted to _blame me_ for defending myself.’

‘That doesn’t mean you get to verbally insult him. He said that you called him a ‘repressed deepthroater’ – is that true?’

William had to physically iron his mouth out in order not to laugh at the memory. The guy fucking was – William had seen how he looked at him; the same way that Pete did. He wasn’t stupid. ‘Look, I apologised to him – what more do you want from me? He hates me and every week it’s a new excuse as to why I should be sent out or to you,’ William sulked.

‘I agree that Mr Iero is difficult but you must make an effort to be agreeable – all the other children manage,’ Gerard lectured.

‘Whatever. I’ll try to be better.’

‘Good, I don’t want to have to move you down a set because you couldn’t get along with the teacher.’

_What does it matter? Everyone thinks I’m a dumbass anyway._

‘What were those kids saying to you?’ Gerard probed with a smile that said _I care about you; I really do._

‘It doesn’t matter,’ William shrugged.

‘Yes, it does. What did they say?’

‘The usual. I’m a faggot or a girl or a slut, or a liar,’ William breathed.

Gerard shook his head. ‘Who?’

‘Everyone says it, G man.’

‘ _William_ ,’ Gerard persisted. William peered down to the floor and heard Gerard loudly exhale. ‘I hear you’ve been making some excellent process in other classes though. Mikey – Mr M Way – was telling me that you are doing extremely well in chemistry. Gabe – Mr Saporta - said that your portfolio is one of the strongest this year,’ Gerard smiled.

‘Ga - Mr Saporta said what?’ William stuttered.

‘That your portfolio is extremely promising and if you can finish the designs this semester then your final grade should be beyond achievement.’

‘Oh,’ William breathed.

‘What? That’s good news,’ Gerard asked in confusion.

‘Y-yeah,’ William coughed. ‘It is.’ He hadn’t worked on the project in a week – he had forgotten that his portfolio was due in soon; he didn’t want to let Gabe down – especially since Gabe was singing his praises to Gerard like this.

     ‘I don’t even know how we came to be in this mess, William,’ Gerard continued. ‘I was so proud of how you handled everything last year and if this is to do with that then it’s a very delayed reaction.’

‘You can say it. My dad is dead.’

‘I know I can,’ Gerard growled back. ‘Bilvy, I’ve known you since you were hardly bigger than the size of my hand and your dad knew me since I was your age – you weren’t the only person that lost him. This whole side of town lost him.’

William didn’t need to hear it. The funeral had been one massive black parade as it was. His father had always been that guy that everyone knew and could go to for help – he was the man that organised the Christmas lights or summer parties or helped out in church when other people were sick; he was the man that parents would call to drive their kids back home late at night if they couldn’t make it – he was that one person the whole community could trust. He was William’s dad – smart, funny and God damn ridiculous at times; never judgemental or angry – not even when he should be. William had wanted to do well because his dad made him feel safe and encouraged him to strive for more; because he knew that whatever happened his dad would still love him. _Of course_ he had that with his mom, but it wasn’t the same because she was a _completely_ different person – quiet, maternal but serious and sometimes even humourless. Sure, everybody missed his dad but nobody knew what it was like to be expected to pick up the pieces, except for William because last year he had stepped up – at the hospital before his dad died; at the funeral when his mom sobbed and couldn’t talk to any more people; after that when Courtney went back to her life and William had to look after his mom on his own; he started mentoring because his dad was no longer there to hold it after school. He had wanted to fill that void more than anything but _he wasn’t good enough_ to be his dad and he knew that he never would be. ‘It’s not even about that,’ William whispered as a thousand thoughts rushed through his head.

‘Then, what _is it_ about?’

   William couldn’t say - or more he could but didn’t want to. ‘School is bullshit – I’m not even going to college so it doesn’t matter if I only get passes and I don’t need to turn up to pass,’ William muttered.

‘Where’s this all come from? Huh?’ Gerard asked, his voice was submerged in concern and gentleness. William shrugged his shoulders, his eyes were still fixed on anything that wasn’t Gerard’s face. ‘I just want you to be honest with me,’ Gerard croaked. He could almost feel Gerard’s warmth – the sort that was familiar in his father. He knew that he couldn’t tell Gerard the truth. It wasn’t an option. He cried internally as he remembered how it had happened. He couldn’t say those words out loud – not to anyone. He had been _so sick_ with grief – so sick that he hadn’t really been eating anything and when he finally did start again – his body just couldn’t take it. He had felt so much better at the funeral when it happened like that for the first time. It had been the only chance he had to sneak away and focussing on that pain instead of the gaping hole in his heart had made him feel so much better; being locked in the bathroom with no other noises except the tab as he ran the water made him so much calmer. The relief that had washed over his body because the food was out of him had felt so good. He wouldn’t – he wouldn’t add any more concerns to Gerard’s expansive list. He shrugged again. ‘Please – tell me. I’m here to look after you.’ That was true – Gerard was actually William’s Godfather. Not many people knew but Gerard was one of his family’s closest friends as was Mikey. The Ways had spent birthdays and Christmases with the Becketts. Gerard’s parents and his own were close. His mom still talked to Mrs Way regularly on the phone, even if they had retired to New Jersey. He knew that Gerard would tell his mom – _then where would they be?_ His mom had more pressing matters - more important than his inability to eat once in a while.

‘It’s nothing, okay?’

‘That’s not true. I wish that you’d let me help you,’ Gerard pleaded.

William had had enough of Gerard for one day. He was escaping this as painlessly and as quickly as he could. Gerard had better people to see and better thoughts to think than to waste them on William.

****

William wasn’t going to lunch. He knew that he had promised Ryan but he just couldn’t deal with it. Not after Gerard this morning and trying his best to even attend classes after the sinking feeling had gripped his soul. Ryan couldn’t force him. Nobody could force him. He was travelling down the corridor in the opposite direction to the food hall when his cell buzzed.

_Ryan: You’re still coming, right?_

_William: Going home._

_Ryan: No – you’re not. Where are you?_

_William: Still in school right now. Where are you?_

_Ryan: Just heading towards my locker._

William peered up to find Ryan shuffling towards him from the far end of the corridor; he had his face buried in his phone so he hadn’t seen William yet. William was starting to panic. His breath shot out of him and his muscles went soft. _He couldn’t eat food. He couldn’t look at food. He wouldn’t do it. He wouldn’t. He wouldn’t. He wouldn’t._ He needed somewhere to hide. He moved past a few classrooms. Suddenly, Gabe opened the door to his classroom at the exact moment that William moved past it. Gabe had to pull the books he was carrying back into his body to prevent them from tumbling over William.

‘Will – Bilvy, I didn’t see you there. Let me put these down. Would you like to come in?’

 _Thank fuck for Gabe Saporta. Gabe - with his honest eyes and his perfect lips. His safe tone._ William checked the corridor to find that Ryan had just gazed up and William ducked, pushing Gabe sideward slightly in order to scuffle into the classroom. Gabe set the books down on the cabinet next to the door and pressed the door firmly shut, the blinds on the door were closed – the outside world was locked out; it was just William and Gabe in the room. William felt safe; he felt so much more peaceful.

‘Are you alright? You look flustered,’ Gabe quizzed.

Thirty seconds ago it was because he had been panicking and now it was because Gabe was closing the space between them – eyes intent on William’s face. Gabe had saved William when he was having a panic attack. _Again._ Gabe sat on his desk, waiting for William to respond. All William could think to do was shift closer. He moved to sit next to Gabe, leaving a small space between them; like a buffer zone so that Gabe didn’t move away from him. William was good at this – he carried Gabe’s eyes and smouldered into Gabe’s body. He wanted to kiss him because Gabe was gorgeous and he made William feel comfortable, just by being there.

‘I’m alright now. Thank you,’ William whispered.

Before Gabe could finish asking ‘what for?’ William had breached the neutral zone left between them; his lips moved against Gabe’s, lips moulding into each other as he kissed back. William’s hand found its place at the back of Gabe’s neck, afraid that he’d pull away too hastily. Gabe didn’t – his hands brushed through William’s long hair and he didn’t stop when William pushed his lips apart, tongue grazing over Gabe’s. It was the first time in months that William wasn’t being told how to kiss or put in his place. He couldn’t remember what it was like to kiss instead of to be kissed. The only certainty William had figured out about Gabe was that he was full of awakenings and as long as William could wake up next to Gabe he was starting to think waking up might not be that bad after all. Gabe had saved him twice already; maybe he really could help. Maybe Gabe was exactly what William had been spent his nights wishing for.


	7. Chapter 7

‘What are you doing?’ Gabe shrieked, pulling back and jumping off his desk. William’s face was full of alarm. Gabe started pacing, feeling the blood rush to his face and his pulse throb. ‘I’m your teacher for fuck sake!’

‘I – I’m s-s-s-sorry,’ William stuttered. William was deadly still. His eyes stayed fixed on his feet.

‘It’s okay,’ Gabe purred softly. He shuffled forward, his fingertips at William’s chin forcing the boy to meet his guise. ‘Do you know how irresponsible it would be to go through with this? _You’re hurting_ and I’m your teacher – it’s against the law. I don’t want to take advantage of you, Bilvy – that’s how everyone would see it.’

‘Y- you kissed back,’ William muttered.

Gabe laughed. He could feel the air being pushed out of his lungs as he chortled. ‘Yeah, I did. You’re a very convincing kisser.’ William smirked up at him, his eyes twinkling. ‘However, you’re still my student and you’re fucking _bulimic_ – don’t you see how badly this would reflect on me? My job; _my career_ ; my life – Bilvy, this is _illegal_.’

William dropped his head out of Gabe’s touch. ‘You regret it already – I get it,’ William sighed. He started to move towards the door.

‘Don’t be ridiculous – hey,’ Gabe scoffed, hand gripping into William’s upper arm. ‘I wanted it – that’s the issue here. I can’t want it – _want you_ \- like that. Even if I did – I meant what I said, we’d have to do it properly.’

‘Like dates and stuff?’

‘Something like that. I don’t just fuck people – I’m boring like that.’

William’s lips curved upwards into a genuine, heavenly smile. ‘I could do boring,’ William whispered. He turned his whole body, his eyes melting into Gabe’s. Gabe could feel the heat from William’s body forcing him in. Their faces crept closer together, painfully slowly and Gabe never once took his eyes from William’s as his lips moulded into the boy’s. He knew it was _too late_. This kiss was different – it was measured and their tongues waltzed until they were both breathless. It was _romantic_ ; that was simply the last intention Gabe could have had – to actually be falling for the kid in any way. Gabe wrenched himself away.

‘Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. What are we doing? Shit.’

‘You just asked me out,’ William coughed, there was a faint smile on his face.

‘You just kissed me,’ Gabe retorted.

‘I know,’ William murmured.

   Gabe could feel his head fill up with millions of different thoughts. _Take him out. You’re his teacher - pervert. You want to kiss him again. You want to do more; you could just see him bent over your desk. You teach this kid – you’re marking his portfolio. It’s illegal. What about the rest of your life? What about him? He has problems; he needs your help. You can’t just abandon him. Take him out. Take him out. Take him out._ ‘What are you doing tomorrow night?’ Gabe puffed out, sealing his own fate in those six words.

‘N- nothing really.’

‘I’m taking you out. I’ll come and pick you up at half three - after school?’ Gabe asked, his eyebrows arching across at William.

‘Really? Like f-for real?’

‘Why not?’ Gabe sighed. He knew that he was beyond help. _He kissed back. He wanted it._

‘O-okay. After school is alright,’ William nodded.

‘ _Are you _alright?’__

‘Yeah. I’m fine. G-great, actually. I just – you – you like me?’

‘Is that really so difficult to believe? You’re beautiful,’ Gabe chuckled. William’s face contorted. ‘ _You are_.’

‘Thankyou,’ William blushed.

‘Tomorrow night – I’ll prove it to you,’ Gabe smouldered. His hands moved to William’s hips. ‘Do you trust me?’

William gulped. His eyes searched into Gabe’s and Gabe stared back. ‘I – I think that I could if I knew you better.’

‘Well, that’s a shame,’ Gabe teased.

‘Why?’

‘Because that means that we’d have to spend a lot of time together,’ he smirked. William giggled, his eyes brightening as he rested his forehead against Gabe’s.

‘I think that I can just about cope,’ William joked back.

‘We’ll see about that,’ Gabe whispered. Gabe’s eyes shifted to the clock. ‘Shit, is that the time? I have so much marking to do.’

William shifted away. He pecked at the man’s cheek; Gabe’s heart fluttered. ‘I’ll see you around _Mr Saporta_ ,’ William smirked.

‘William?’

‘Yes?’ William questioned as his hand lingered on the door handle.

‘Don’t tell anyone, will you?’

‘How stupid do you think I am?’ William snapped.

‘I don’t. I just needed to clarify we are on the same page about this.’

‘We’re on the same sentence. I’ll be your secret, Mr Saporta,’ William cackled.

‘Fuck off, Beckett. If anything I’m yours.’

William continued sniggering as he opened the door and closed it behind him.

   Gabe should be freaking out. He knew that he should be freaking the fuck out. It was pretty odd because he wasn’t. He just _wasn’t_. The thought of him being _one of those teachers_ didn’t flood him with positive emotions but he also knew that it wasn’t like that. The school had hundreds of kids and he didn’t blink an eyelid at any of them – it was only William. William was of consenting age, he was almost legally an adult. Gabe wanted to be regretful of everything and drag William into the classroom to take all of it back but he wasn’t going to. He had made his decision. He had made that decision from the second he stopped the boy at the end of his first class. William was in his head and nothing can be done to alter how he feels so they’ll both have to live with it. Gabe trudged to his desk. He attempted to refocus his mind away from William’s lips – from how William’s mouth tasted and how amazing it was. He picked up his red marker, scribbling onto pages of students’ work and even though he managed to gauge his attention; the scene replayed out in the back of his head. He was powerless under William’s touch; _that_ had been made perfectly clear.

****

William floated down the corridor. He couldn’t believe that Gabriel Saporta could find him attractive – a fat, disgusting and dumb lump like him. What was Gabe thinking? Gabe made him feel _so good_. He had asked him out on a date. An actual date – William couldn’t remember the last time that someone wanted to take him out somewhere when it wasn’t explicit that sex would be the end result. He took out his cell to be met with ten messages from Ryan, two missed calls and one voicemail.

_Ryan: Seriously, where r u?_

_Ryan: Beckett, get your skinny ass here now._

_Ryan: I will tell everyone that you’re straight and you won’t get any more cock._

_Ryan: Bilvy, please – I’m worried about you._

_Ryan: You are so dead._

_Ryan: Deader than dead._

_Ryan: Vampires will look alive in comparison to you._

_Ryan: I’m coming over once school’s finished._

_Ryan: You can’t stop me, fuckface._

_Ryan: See you later asshole._

William laughed, pressing his cell to his ear. ‘Hey, I don’t know where you are _gaylord_ but I swear when I get hold of you, Beckett, the pleasant days of the past are gone. I’m so fucking pissed at you. I only want you to get better and you run away. _Asshole._ ’ William made long strides towards his locker to take out the books he had stored there earlier. He stuffed them into his satchel, resting it on the edge of his inside locker space.

‘Beckett, there you are. Ryan’s so mad at you. I told him that you don’t do lunch but he said that you promised or something. Are you okay? I feel like I haven’t seen you in days,’ Travie perked.

‘Hey, bro. Yeah – I’ve been super busy, sorry. W-we should do s-something,’ William stammered as his books finally squeezed into his bag.

‘How about tonight?’

‘Can’t. Ryan will be busy pulling my guts out. How about Wednesday?’

‘Wednesday is good. Are you sure that you’re alright?’

‘Yeah, I’m fine,’ William smiled. William had been avoiding him. He and Travie had a weird telepathic connection and William hated that Travie was quite obviously in love with him, not that he knew why or how. He hadn’t seen Travie _in weeks_ because he knew it would take him about five seconds to know that something wasn’t right. William had been coping with everything much worse than usual and Travie could already tell. William closed his locker and Travie lingered behind him as he ventured out the doors in front of the school. ‘Bilvy,’ Travie breathed.

‘I’m fine. Must dash. I’ll talk to you later.’ William sighed as Travie moved his weight from his left to right foot. He turned. ‘I promise,’ he glistened.

‘Okay. Whatever,’ Travie mumbled, heading back inside.

   William wandered home, knowing that his mom wouldn’t know any better. She had been informed about his behaviour but those warnings had died down since the beginning of the year. It wasn’t that much of a walk. _Better to lose calories._ He swiftly made it through the front door and rushed upstairs to his bedroom, collapsing on his bed. He still couldn’t believe that a man like Gabe could want a boy like him. He could feel Gabe’s lips on his and Gabe’s fingertips brushing his hips. He was tired and Gabe’s eyes pulled him under as it if Gabe was enough to drowse him forever; to be at peace. His breathing settled as his eyes closed against the softness of his duvet and William was lost in the lullaby of Gabe’s lip movements and how his eyes burnt into his skin.

     William was sharply woken up by the doorbell blaring out. _Fuck – that was Ryan._ William grumbled as he almost tripped down the stairs in order to open the door.

‘What the fuck? What the actual fuck, Bilvy?!? I can’t believe that you bailed. _You promised_ ,’ Ryan snarled.

‘Hey, Ry. Lovely to see you too. Do come in,’ William bit back as Ryan clicked his Converses off.

‘What happened?’

‘I couldn’t do it,’ William sighed.

‘What do you mean that ‘you couldn’t do it’? You _promised_ me,’ Ryan sulked.

‘I know,’ William breathed. ‘Sorry.’

After they had sufficiently argued over it, voices raspy from shouting at each other, they had ended up in the sitting room with tea. Ryan was sitting cross legged on the sofa and William’s feet rested on his legs as he stretched out the whole of his height against the soft furnishings.

‘I want a blow by blow account of your food schedule today,’ Ryan mouthed.

‘What? Get lost,’ William scoffed.

Ryan huffed out hot air. ‘Bilvy!’

‘I’m eating okay,’ William pouted.

‘Yeah – on that logic Brendon and I didn’t have sex last night,’ Ryan scoffed.

William gasped in awe. ‘No way!’

‘This isn’t about me. This is about you. You have to promise me that you’re going to at least try?’

William fidgeted uncomfortably. ‘If I knew that you were going to bring it up every time that we talked then I wouldn’t have told you.’

‘I’m just worried about you. You’re my best friend, Bilvy.’

William dug his nails into the cushion next to him. _Don’t waste your time on me._ ‘I’m fine. Can we talk about something else? _Please?’_

Ryan rolled his eyes. ‘Promise me that you’ll make an effort?’

‘Promise,’ William lied.

Ryan smiled, though his eyes portrayed the mistrust his smile had elected to hide. ‘Brendon’s so fucking decent in bed. I wasn’t expecting the shit that he could do. I thought that maybe he might give good oral _but fuck_ ,’ Ryan hummed. ‘Last night was a great night.’ William bit his lip from laughing. ‘What?’ Ryan quizzed.

‘You. You realise that sound like an eight year old girl whenever you talk about Brendon,’ William simpered.

‘ _I do not_ ,’ Ryan sneered.

‘Yes, you do. I bet you were all like: _‘Oh Brendon. Brendon! Brendon!’_ ’ William mocked, his voice high and limp as he imitated a women in the midst of orgasm.

‘Shut up. I didn’t sound like that,’ Ryan snorted.

‘Are you sure? How do you know?’

Ryan’s expression changed from amused to guilty. ‘My mouth was otherwise engaged for most of it,’ Ryan coughed.

William feigned being disgusted. ‘You little slut,’ William beamed.

‘Proud of me?’

‘Absolutely,’ William guffawed.

They spent the rest of the night messing around and being silly with each other until Ryan had to go home because he promised Brendon that he would Skype before he went to sleep.

‘I’ll text you later, okay?’

‘Okay,’ William nodded from the doorway before Ryan disappeared down the street.

     As William was approaching the stairs to lock himself in his room for the rest of the night; his mom called to him from the sitting room. She had snuck in there from the dining room once Ryan had left. ‘There’s dinner waiting for you on the side in the kitchen, sweetpea,’ the woman smiled.

‘Thanks, mom,’ William replied. He plated it up and travelled upstairs to his bedroom with it. His eyes pricked down at it as he sat on the bed. The thought of placing the pasta that stared back at him in his body made him nauseous. He attempted to pick up the form but his hand trembled. He sighed as he set it all to the side and did his upmost to ignore that it was even there for the whole night.

   Tuesday morning gradually turned into Tuesday afternoon. William had spent the entirety of his time antsy about his date with Gabe. _What if he fucked it up? What if Gabe changed his mind? What if Gabe came to his senses after all?_ He had been in Mr Iero’s class honouring his promise to Gerard; his mind too preoccupied with Gabe to care if the teacher made swarmy comments about his lack of mathematical ability. At break, William was on route to the bathroom when he was halted in his tracks by a girl with flaming hair and bright makeup. She grabbed his hand and tugged him into the empty classroom where she was hiding.

‘William Beckett as I live and breathe,’ Hayley smirked. ‘Where have you been, Bilvy? I have missed you,’ she pouted, pressing her body up against his. He backed up into the desk behind him.

‘N-nowhere,’ William shrugged.

Her fingers traced through his long hair. ‘So pretty,’ she whispered. William could feel all his nervousness about the date evaporating as she flirted with him and gave him the attention that so desperately craved. ‘Are you going to be a good boy and let me ride you?’

‘H-here?’ William flushed.

Hayley nodded, skipping back to the door in order to lock it; there were no windows in this classroom because of where it was situated. Then, before William could properly think about what he was doing - he was kissing her and she was hitching down her underwear from underneath her skirt. She reached into her bag pulling out a condom which William grabbed from her. She dragged his jeans down to his thighs. William swallowed nervously. It wasn’t long until she had pounced on top of him, forcing him to sit on the desk as she moved back and forth. ‘Oh shit, Bilvy. I’m going to tell Pete about this; about how much of a whore you are; about how you were such a good boy for me,’ she howled as she pressed into him. That familiar pool of desire gathered in his stomach as he breathed through her moans. It just felt so amazing to _really matter to someone_ for even five minutes.

When Hayley eventually finished and left William in the classroom alone; he couldn’t have felt emptier. Not only had he betrayed himself but he had also betrayed Gabe’s trust. He cussed himself as he made himself decent and continued his day. The rest of the day passed through in a blur.

   It was three thirty five. William was nervous; really nervous. His heart raced and he was sitting on his hands because he didn’t know where to put them. He was sure that he was going to be sick. He didn’t even know where they were going so he had chosen to wear black skinnies with a t-shirt and a blazer. He had deduced that smart casual was probably his safest bet. William’s cell buzzed.

_Gabe: Are u ready? I’m outside._

William peeked out of his bedroom window to be met with Gabe’s car. He gulped. He rushed down the stairs, stuffing his cell; wallet and keys into his pockets. He scuttled down his drive and opened the car door. _He was on a date with Gabe Saporta; his teacher – the only person on the planet that could make him feel like he was the one person in the world that mattered._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to change this chapter slightly which may be key to keep in mind for the next chapter.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I slightly altered a few details of the last chapter.  
> I also made this post about Glessner House for those of you who are not familiar with it. http://watabi12.tumblr.com/post/114337232147/just-to-explain  
> I have added a provisional number of chapters for this story based on my plan so you can all know how far along we are. 
> 
> I hope that you enjoy this chapter. Sorry about the delay!!  
> Thanks for reading this. You are all baes. :3

William could feel his heart throbbing in his chest. Gabe’s enchantress eyes were suspending him in time. They were walking along the path. Gabe had parked somewhere on the street seemingly away from anything they could occupy themselves with on a date. William was looking at _him_ so when he turned to be met with all the tall, brick houses behind iron steel gates, with Victorian style lampposts on the sidewalk, he had to blink.

‘Posh part of town,’ William smiled.

‘Yeah. It is,’ Gabe agreed.

There were well groomed trees, soon to come into bloom again, all round them – barely a leaf out of place. William found himself reflecting on how he’d never be able to live like that – not in a million years. ‘It’s called millionaire’s row,’ Gabe shrugged.

William halted and turned to gaze at one of the houses – tall enough to shield them from the sun, red coloured brick and he could only imagine what the interior must be like; Gabe stilled, standing next to him with a smirk on his face. ‘No way. Maybe if I look through the window with my best pout – someone will come out and adopt me.’

Gabe chuckled. ‘Well, they are beautiful houses,’ he mused. ‘Not half as beautiful as you though,’ Gabe nudged. He instantly shifted, facing William – William slowly redirected his attention from the grand houses that stood before him; that dream he would never be able to afford. Gabe was smouldering into him and William wasn’t sure what to do. If he was being honest, he never went out on dates – he only ever fucked people. This was new; somebody actually wanting to take the time with him, somebody that cared. Gabe’s hand strayed to brush hair away from William’s face – William fluttered at his touch, knowing that was the precursor to kissing; always. Gabe moved closer until their bodies were pressing together on a quiet street which nobody else was travelling down. Gabe’s thumb stroked over his cheekbones and William planted his hands at the small of Gabe’s back. Gabe’s face moved in, lips pressing gently against William’s. William’s face turned to deepen the kiss, tongue spreading into Gabe’s mouth – nobody kissed like Gabe did; no lips were as heated as Gabe’s. He remembered that from the last time that they kissed. William’s heart raced, his fingertips were starting to claw at the man’s back as he held his face. William shut his eyes simply lost in the sensation that fizzled all over his own body. He was only disrupted by a noise that must have come from him - he didn’t even realise he possessed what his ears acknowledged. William drew back, cheeks glowing from the hotness and being humiliated that he was _moaning_ though they were only _kissing_.

Gabe beamed across at him, not letting him pull back fully. ‘Don’t be embarrassed,’ Gabe whispered, his head was bowed into William’s, his eyes were closed – he seemed _so gone_ as well. ‘It’s a _great_ noise.’

   William gazed at him in wonder. He just couldn’t believe that someone like Gabe Saporta could want him; William Beckett. Gabe was intelligent, kind, wise, cultured and hot as fuck. _What was he?_ An almost high school dropout, a failure, ugly, fat, stupid and above all - a complete slut. Gabe appeared to shake out of it, his eyes hastily opened and his feet skipped forward, breaking free from William’s grasp – grabbing William’s hand in order to direct him. ‘Come on, where we’re headed isn’t far from here. In fact, it’s just round the corner.’ They held hands down the street, Gabe directing William around the street corner and down the sidewalk. Gabe came to a halt outside another fancy type of building. His body language altered itself, his eyes peered to the side; his hand scratching the back of his head. William was about to ask when Gabe opened his mouth.

‘I hope that you don’t think that this is too nerdy. I mean – I didn’t even know if you liked history or interior designs but you’re studying fashion so I kind of made an executive decision…’ Gabe flustered.

‘Where are we?’ William questioned, eyebrows raising up in curiosity.

‘Glessner House Museum,’ Gabe coughed. ‘It’s – err – basically a big old house. I mean, we can go someplace else if you want to; I just -.’

Gabe was interrupted because William had leant forward to merge their lips once more. He couldn’t be happier that Gabe had taken him somewhere unique rather than a generic date place that anybody in the world could have taken him to.

‘I’m sure it’s really awesome,’ William murmured against Gabe’s lips.

Gabe nodded. ‘Want to actually go inside then?’ he replied, voice equally as small as William’s.

‘Sure,’ William laughed.

‘How much do you know about architecture?’ Gabe asked, as they wandered together in sync.

‘Not that much,’ William croaked, feeling self-conscious.

‘Well – this place was designed by a guy called Henry Hobson Richardson.’

‘I’ve – I’ve never heard of him.’

‘Oh,’ Gabe smirked. ‘No worries. He designed churches, libraries and places. It doesn’t matter if you don’t know any of this. Just tell me if you’re getting too bored,’ Gabe winked.

William smiled back at him. Inside: the house truly was astounding – exactly like how ancient houses ought to look. William waited as Gabe paid for their tickets. Gabe had said that he was paying for everything in the car and William didn’t want him to but in his attempt not to seem ungrateful or rude – he blindly accepted Gabe’s generosity. The walls were an almost golden shade of wood and everything in the room appeared to be handcrafted with love as opposed to the man-made, commercially produced creations of today. William gawped at how beautiful the décor of each room was.

‘This could totally be my aesthetic,’ William giggled.

‘I know exactly what you mean. I always wanted to live in a place like this when I was younger – that was kind of my dream; I guess that I have a weakness for beautiful things,’ Gabe hooted. He was behind William, resting his head on one of his shoulders – other arm wrapped around the boy’s waist. It was weird behaviour for a first date but it also felt right – unexplainably and inexplicably perfect. Both of them were studying the piano that stood at the front of one of the rooms. It was dark, hazel wood with patterns chipped into the head of the instrument.

‘Why can’t you still live somewhere nice?’

‘On teacher’s wages,’ Gabe scoffed. ‘No. I had a plan that I was going to be a huge fashion designer after college and I could travel the world; have the sexiest boyfriend imaginable – a guy that even talking to on the phone would leave me wanting to tear his clothes off – and I just – things never work out how you want them to.’

William pressed his lips against Gabe’s to peck at his tanned cheek. ‘You might have one thing from that list,’ William joked in irony.

‘You’re right – I’ve travelled around,’ Gabe teased, his lips curling into a cheeky smirk.

‘I wouldn’t mind a house like this either,’ William longed.

‘Are you saying that we should get one together?’

‘No – no, that wasn’t what I meant,’ William rapidly defended. ‘N – n – not that living with you would be awful or - or anything,’ William stuttered.

‘I know,’ Gabe darkly chuckled. ‘I was just messing with you. Lighten up,’ Gabe glimmered, lips attaching to William’s neck as he spoke. The boy shivered. He couldn’t understand how he was in a _cultured_ location with Gabe wrapped around him – he knew that it should feel out of place but, other than his sense of complete inadequacy, there was little distance between them. It simply felt like they had been dating each other for centuries. William was safe in Gabe’s arms. He didn’t want the time pass.

   ‘Want to stop off somewhere on the way back?’ Gabe asked, settling into the driver seat. The sun was fading; clouds marching on in pink fluffiness.

‘Y- yeah,’ William squeaked.

 _Food. Food. Food. Food. Food._ He had been having such an amazing interval from the inner monologue that played out in his head. He hadn’t even noticed the sting in his stomach or the throb in his head, nor how his calf muscles ached from walking that short distance. He could feel himself retreating in exhaustion and slight dizziness. He wasn’t about to ruin this for himself. Gabe twisted towards William.

‘Still not eating?’ Gabe inspected solemnly.

William wanted to lie or be angry and somehow he just couldn’t. ‘N-no,’ William exhaled.

Gabe exaggerated his frown. ‘Well, that’s no good… You need to be kind to yourself. Or -,’ Gabe huffed.

‘Or what?’

‘Or I’ll have to take care of you myself,’ Gabe threatened.

 _Not much of a threat._ William forced his fingers through his hair. ‘You don’t need to do that. I’m alright.’

‘No. You see, Bilvy, I can’t let you say that knowing that you don’t mean it and I can’t walk away. I really respect you and care about you, consequently I just don’t have the ability to sightlessly allow you to commence with your behaviour,’ Gabe lectured.

‘You have totally transitioned into teacher mode,’ William mocked.

‘Yeah, well – get used to it. It’s going to happen a lot if we’re together,’ Gabe teased back impulsively.

‘You – you think we’re going to be t-together?’ William stammered. His body was overheating and the hairs on his arms pricked up. _Gabe Saporta already wanted to be his boyfriend._

‘Yeah. Don’t you?’ Gabe coughed, uncomfortable.

‘ _Do I?_ ’ William quizzed his words in shock. ‘Dude, you’re so hot. I don’t throw myself at every teacher.’

Gabe beamed over to him. They kissed again. This time, Gabe’s hands were at William’s side and William’s fingertips gripped at Gabe’s upper neck. ‘Just eat a bite for me, okay?’

William nodded in agreement. ‘Okay.’

   Gabe pulled over outside Burger King on their drive home. William managed to eat a normal sized portion of fries – it made him feel full, fat and nauseated but a part of him was powerless to resist Gabe’s proud expression.

‘Only you can save yourself but I’m going to here every step of this path from here on out, okay?’

‘Promise?’ William asked, peering at the man under his eyelashes.

‘Absolutely. We’re in this together. _God_ – I want you so damn much, William Beckett. I wish that you knew that.’

‘I want you too,’ William nervously admitted.

Gabe let his mainly clean hand slip into William’s under the fast food restaurant table. They both peeked down smiling as their fingers intermingled. ‘Fuck. It’s seven – better be getting back soon.’

William’s heart sunk in the knowledge that he would have to wait more than a whole twelve hours to be graced with Gabe’s physicality again. He had been revived for the first time in over a year and he didn’t want to go back to being dead again. Gabe was speedily becoming his supply of oxygen; he couldn’t let him go.


	9. Chapter 9

William was lying in his bed, reflecting upon the whole proceeding of events. It was about nine – too early to go to sleep but he was feeling particularly drained of spirit. Gabe had really taken the life out of him. He didn’t remember the last time he was left _that breathless_. He wanted him to be there with him between the sheets, kissing his skin and touching him. He wanted Gabe to pick him up in his car and fuck him in the back. He sighed to himself. Only Pete was doing that; Gabe never would. He gripped his cell from the table next to his bed and stared at the screen. His muscles ached, his head throbbed, his eyes were wet and he felt completely devoid of anything as he lay there. He couldn’t help it – he hadn’t wanted Gabe to drop him back so early and he wasn’t letting Gabe get away that easily.

_Bilvy: Hey. Thank you for a nice night. It could have better though. So hard thinking about you._

He swallowed as the sent status glared back at him. He smirked to himself; imagining Gabe’s reaction. His phone buzzed back at him.

_Gabe: Oh yeah. What are you doing to yourself?_

William’s eyes widened. _Did he actually just say that?_ William studied the screen but it was there in black and white – Gabe asking him how he was masturbating. William’s mouth grew dry.

_Bilvy: Fingering myself – wishing it was your cock._

_Gabe: How many fingers?_

William’s heart raced. _They were sexting._ He was just picturing Gabe stroking himself as he told him about how he was _so deep_ and wishing it was Gabe inside of him.

_Bilvy: Two, though I can take three – maybe even four with lube. Fuck, I’m so deep._

_Gabe: What are you thinking about?_

_Bilvy: You._

_Gabe: Doing what?_

   William wasn’t even teasing him now. He was becoming hard; with his cell in one hand, he used his free hand to delve beneath his pyjama bottoms and cradle himself, a firm grip against his own skin. William wanted Gabe to be touching him; he wanted Gabe’s hands around his cock and Gabe’s fingers buried deep in his ass. He stapled his lips together and became hyperconscious of his whole body. He bet his lips looked their best around dick – around Gabe’s dick they’d look _great_. Those fantasies created a clear path to darker fantasies; Gabe pushing him down on his knees and pulling his hair as Gabe made him stretch his lips over his Gabe’s cock. William closed his eyes, letting his cell fall against the mattress as Gabe locked William’s knees in place with his own - from behind him; arms enclosing his body as they both kneeled on the floor and Gabe dragged him in close and fucked him; pressing rough kissed to his face and whispering dirty slurs in his ear. William wouldn’t be able to pull back because Gabe’s hand were levering him against his body; he had no choice but to take it. William’s hand was tight, jerking quickly as Gabe’s dark features surrounded him until he was completely defenceless. He had to remove his hand before he exploded everywhere – stains that he had no desire to explain to his mother. His muscles shuddered – he would wait.

_Bilvy: Pushing me to my knees. Kneeling behind me, your legs are trapping mine and you hold me there – your arms are wrapped around my body and you’re fucking into me; forcing my body back into yours. Kissing me and whispering things to me._ The boy read the sent status again and shivered.

It took Gabe almost ten minutes to reply. William had been checking his cell, fiddling nervously with his hair – suddenly believing all of the night to be a mistake. _What if Gabe had already changed his mind? What if Gabe already regretted and now was ignoring him? What if Gabe was coming to the image right now…?_

_Gabe: What kind of things?_

_Bilvy: Calling me dirty. Saying that I’m yours. I’m your whore._

_Gabe: Fuck me, that’s something we should do eventually. If you really mean it?_

William moaned out loud. _Gabe Saporta was actually typing these responses?_ Gabe made him feel less worried; less self-conscious and he couldn’t figure out why. He did mean it. In that image; in his head, they were naked- their skin slapping together, sharing the same heart rhythm and dividing their breath between them. William couldn’t tell if he would be capable of letting Gabe behold him boundlessly exposed. He sensed it on his skin; Gabe clawing into his hip bones and Gabe’s teeth at his neck. Additional moans stirred up inside of him – he could almost _feel_ it.

_Bilvy: You like that idea?_

_Gabe: Sure do. I meant what I said though, no rushing into anything. You need to be comfortable. We need to be careful – I’m still your teacher._

William smiled; lips uncontrollably curving on his face. _Nobody usually cared whether he was okay with what they were engaging in._ William’s body was lulling away from his consciousness.

_Bilvy: I’m real tired. Can I talk to you tomorrow?_

_Gabe: Of course. Sleep tight, baby. x_

_Baby. Baby. Baby._ William almost swooned.

_Bilvy: You too. X_

For the first time in over a year, William allowed sleep to invade – his heart full and his body not entirely empty.

****

William danced down the school corridor. For the first time in longer than he cared to remember he nearly felt _good_ ; he had even eaten an apple for breakfast. Ryan was smiling at him; Brendon lingering behind him. William beamed back at him.

‘Hey, dude. What are you so happy about?’

‘Nothing. Just good to be alive,’ William sang. _With Gabe Saporta in the world._

‘Okay,’ Ryan coughed, turning to face him from his locker. ‘Where is William Beckett? What have you done with him?’

‘ _Funny._ How are you? Pretty accessory, by the way. Where can I buy one?’ William burlesqued, eyes falling on Brendon. Ryan chuckled, shifting out of Brendon’s way.

‘Brendon – this is William. William; Brendon,’ Ryan shrugged awkwardly.

‘Hey, man. I’ve heard so much about you,’ Brendon smiled nervously.

‘All bad, I hope,’ William winked.

‘Of course,’ Ryan interjected before Brendon had the opportunity to reply.

‘I need to talk to you,’ William whispered.

Ryan stepped sideways to face Brendon. ‘Brenbabe, can you go to the canteen and get me something? Here – get yourself something too,’ Ryan demanded, through gritted teeth. Brendon seemed more than relieved to oblige. ‘Thanks,’ Ryan purred, his hand went to touch Brendon’s hip and then hastily retreated before anyone saw.

   ‘What is it? Don’t tell me – Pete’s knocked you up; I told you he was no good,’ Ryan joked.

William dragged Ryan into the supply closet, searching blindly until he found the light switch. Ryan’s expression altered, frowning and eyebrows furrowing. ‘What’s wrong?’ Ryan questioned, concern dominating his voice. ‘If Pete’s hurt you -,’ Ryan started, voice tinted with fury.

‘No. Listen, Ry. Last night – I – well – I went on a date with Gabe…’

William watched Ryan’s face contort from surprise to misunderstanding – finally settling on excited.

‘Teacher Gabe?’ Ryan gasped.

‘No, a different Gabe,’ William rolled his eyes.

‘ _W-what?_ – Where? How?’ Ryan stuttered.

‘Oh, and we kissed – _a lot_ and –,’ William buzzed.

‘Wait? You kissed?’ Ryan squawked.

‘Yeah – and -,’ William shone, handing Ryan his cell once he’d located the correct conversation. He observed Ryan’s measured face as he scrolled through it but he detected Ryan’s hidden apprehension. Ryan passed the device back to him.

‘Are you sure about this? I mean, with everything else – are you sure you want to do this? You must realise that you couldn’t be together properly – it’s _illegal_ , Bilvy.’

William exhaled. ‘I know what I’m doing. Can’t you just be happy for me?’

‘If you’re sure about this then I am happy for you,’ Ryan grinned. His arms reached up until they were lightly embracing each other. Ryan drew back.

‘Hey, maybe we can go on double dates,’ Ryan quipped.

‘Fuck off, Ross,’ William scoffed. ‘So you and Brendon are official then?’

Ryan gazed down to the floor, body tensing. ‘Sort of. We are together but it’s not public knowledge or Facebook official. I mean, we really don’t want to get the shit ripped out of us.’

‘Get us – both in secret relationships,’ William guffawed.

‘Hell yeah. We’re totally ninja worthy,’ Ryan chimed.

‘Amen to that,’ William giggled.

Three sharp rings from the bell ascended. Ryan stepped towards the door. ‘We better get our asses in gear. I’ll see you at lunch later, okay? I want you to be there this time.’

‘Okay,’ William nodded. He was already planning which escape route he’d take this time.

‘By the way, Travie told me you two are hanging out tonight,’ Ryan investigated.

‘So what?’ William replied, guiltily.

‘Let the boy down gently, won’t you?’ Ryan lectured.

William bled out a small smirk as he followed Ryan out into the fading busyness.

****

William had decided to drop in on Gabe before he walked home. Gabe was at his desk, head buried in papers and textbooks as he scribbled. William knocked politely on the door and watched as Gabe startled then noticed it was him. He stood up from behind his desk and strode towards the door, an unashamed smirk stamped all over his face.

‘Hello Mr Beckett. What can I do for you?’ Gabe glowed.

William nervously stepped into the room, feeling his pulse sprint and his skin shiver. He waited until the world was firmly shut out to open his mouth. ‘I wanted to discuss yesterday with you,’ William mumbled quietly.

‘Oh. Yeah… Of course,’ Gabe fumbled. He heaved himself up on his work station in that familiar style. William couldn’t even meet his guise. ‘I am so sorry, Bilvy. I don’t know what came over me,’ Gabe sighed.

William tipped him up. ‘I do,’ William grinned, wriggling his eyebrows.

‘William. I – I really care about you and I need you to know that before we can engage in anything,’ Gabe’s eyes razored into William’s.

‘You regret it already. I knew it,’ William cussed. ‘Sorry for wasting your time,’ William exclaimed sadly, feet starting for the door.

William was halted by something grabbing onto his hand. ‘Wait! Will you? How oblivious are you? You silly boy,’ Gabe sniggered. Gabe tangled his fingers in William’s. ‘Don’t be ridiculous. I don’t regret what I said – I just wished I could have waited. You don’t even realise how much I – I need you to know that I respect you and you need to trust me if what we have can ever be given a chance to grow,’ Gabe hushed. William retracted his footsteps, as Gabe sat back on his desk, until he was in-between Gabe’s legs. Gabe’s fingertips traced through the boy’s long hair.

‘Nobody’s ever cared before,’ William whispered.

Gabe grimaced. ‘I’m sorry that you’ve been so used but I’m not like that,’ Gabe murmured back.

‘I know,’ William nodded. There was magic in the atmosphere around them; sparks everywhere, the silent heat that manifested itself in the nitrogen saturated the classroom. It stuck in the ink of every textbook and underneath every desk.

‘I’ll prove it to you,’ Gabe lulled, lips pressing against the ear as he inclined forward. William closed his eyes, his vacant stomach filling with butterflies. ‘This Saturday? We can spend the whole day together, if you’d like?’

‘R-really?’ William questioned, as his eyes flew open.

‘Yep. I’ll come and pick you up. What time, baby?’

_Baby._ William’s head throbbed – he had to remember how to breathe. ‘About – about four?’

‘Sure,’ Gabe agreed. ‘Come here, silly,’ Gabe chuckled, kissing William’s lips lightly. ‘I’m not going anywhere.’

‘I believe you,’ William croaked, innocent wide eyes staring up at the man in front of him.

‘I need to get on with this marking and you need to eat something,’ Gabe instructed.

‘I’m going home,’ William protested.

‘Skipping the classes after lunch? If you are - Gerard won’t be happy and neither will I,’ Gabe lectured.

‘I think I need to lie down. I’m not feeling too good,’ William whined.

Gabe’s hand brushed his cheek. ‘You’re cold. Please eat something when you get home, okay? Take it in little steps – it doesn’t have to be much but just eat something – _for me_.’

‘Okay,’ William huffed. He felt too fragile, tired, dizzy and achy to argue. He needed his bed.

‘Don’t forget about your project for Friday,’ Gabe reminded him.

_Oh shit._ ‘I haven’t. I’ll have something to show you,’ William promised.

‘I’ll text you later then, baby,’ Gabe smiled.

‘Can’t wait,’ William smirked back, sneaking a kiss before walking towards the door.

As William glanced back, Gabe peered up and they shared a glimpse of mutual understanding. A glimmer in each other’s eye that articulated: _I wish that I could spend all day with you and maybe if things worked out - my life._

****

Travie was in William’s room, sitting too close for William’s liking. It wasn’t that he didn’t like Travie because they had known each other _forever_ and he loved Travie like a brother but it had become alarmingly obvious that would never be enough. William hated witnessing that puppy dog expression on Travie’s face every time they spoke. It wasn’t his fault if he just wasn’t into him. They hadn’t spent time together in weeks; maybe even over a month – not since William had started getting worse and Travie had started prying.

‘Are you okay?’ Travie examined.

‘Yeah. I’m fine. I wish that you’d stop asking,’ William snapped.

‘I’m sorry. You just look so different. You seem so tired all the time and you’re so pale these days.’

‘I’ve told you that I’m fine,’ William repeated.

Travie reached out to reassure him. ‘You’re cold, Bilvy,’ Travie gasped.

‘Honestly, Trav – please quit fussing,’ William scowled.

‘Sorry. I just worry about you. You don’t seem like you anymore.’

‘Well, I am me – William Beckett – born in Chicago on the 11th February,’ William’s monotone sounded.

‘Let’s not fight,’ Travie reasoned.

William rolled his eyes. _Damn him. Being so nice. Being so reasonable all the time._ ‘Sorry. You’re right, I’m not feeling that great.’

‘Is that why you weren’t in lunch? Ryan wanted me to talk you round and to tell you that you’re an asshole,’ Travie laughed.

William felt the anger melting away. ‘Yeah, I went home because I didn’t feel well,’ William lied.

‘Ryan really wants you to get more involved in the group but I’m not going to push this if you don’t want to. It’s none of my business.’

‘Thanks.’

‘But it would be nice to see you at least once in a while,’ Travie sighed.

‘I know. I’ll try to be around more,’ William simpered. ‘Want to watch a movie?’

‘Sure,’ Travie nodded.

‘Let’s put on Moulin Rouge so we can piss off Ryan,’ William sniggered.

Travie chortled back. ‘Only if you take the snapchat,’ Travie joked back.

‘There’s an idea,’ William nudged. His whole body was painful and he was feeling faint; underneath - the emptiness that had vanished yesterday was making itself apparent. He had to wait until Saturday to kiss Gabe again properly. Saturday was too long. He didn’t want to waste another second.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that people are enjoying this so far. Comments are always appreciated. Thank you for all your support so far. :3

William battled through the rest of the week - keeping as stable as he could. He had let his heart guide him through the week with thoughts of where Gabe would take him and what they would find themselves doing on Saturday. With Gabe’s late night texts and smirks from other side of the corridor the week didn’t seem _too dreadful_. Saturday afternoon eventually occurred – it was two in the afternoon when William woke up which didn’t feel like enough time for him to simulate his best appearance. He could barely wait to climb into Gabe’s car and kiss his lips until he was breathless. He had been dreaming about it instead of listening to Iero’s insults and the whispering bitches in the corridor. Gabe had left him in a trance that he was powerless to awake from. He just wanted Gabe to take him away and hide him from the world for a few hours. He needed to feel _anything_ for a few hours.

     William had wasted too much time showering and dried/straightened his hair for far too long. It was twenty to four by the time his feet moved from step to step into the downstairs open plan design. He knew that he should eat something – he knew that Gabe would ask and he wouldn’t want to bareface lie. He didn’t know how or what he was going to eat; even the thought of it made him grow pale. His mom had left him some pasta in the oven dish with a note explaining that she had some errands to run. William didn’t mind that she wasn’t there – she had her own life. The coffee she had made for him was still warm – William smiled; _at least someone cared_. He didn’t have time to spare if he was going to eat; he needed to eat it. He managed to scoop the pasta into a bowl and took it from the microwave. It was only when he placed himself at the dining table with a fork that he started to feel anxiety sweep through his whole being. He stared down at the tomato and cheese concoction. He felt nauseous. _Fat. Fat. Fat. Carbs make you fat. Food makes you fat. Gabe won’t want you then, even if he does now._ William’s fingers fiddled with the end of the fork and he thought about what Gabe had advised. _Take it in a small steps. Eat a little._ He picked up the fork and stabbed at the pasta strands – he stuck them in his mouth quickly. _Like swallowing medicine. Like ripping off a band aid._ He chewed and swallowed with sheer determination. Then, another mouthful and another. He had just finished his fourth when he had a sinking sensation in this chest and a burning pain in his stomach. _He couldn’t. He simply couldn’t eat anymore._ His entire body was revolting against the fibre he had just graced his body with – his stomach churned and his brain sneered in disgust. He needed Gabe to get there faster – he needed Gabe to make him forget. He reached for his cell. Three fifty five. William disposed with the excess food from the bowl and placed his bowl in the dishwasher so his mom didn’t have to. He was sliding his shoes on when his phone buzzed.

_Gabe: Outside, baby._

William’s skin shimmered with excitement as his smile crunched up his face.

   William rapidly grabbed his bag and coat before dashing clumsily out of the door. He hastily pushed his spindly legs to Gabe’s car. He swung the door open and hopped in.

‘Hey,’ Gabe smirked.

William had simply had enough of Gabe’s approach. He wanted Gabe and he wanted him now. He pushed his bag into the foot space silently and winced his eyes shut tight. He didn’t hesitate – he forcibly leant over and didn’t breathe until his lips were dancing with Gabe’s. Gabe’s lips pointed back, hands gripping at the back of William’s head; instinctively rather than a conscious effort to perpetuate their actions. Gabe was the one to pull away first. His breathing pattern was wrecked and his eyes glistened in the light of day. He shook his head in disapproval.

‘Bilvy – I – we -,’ Gabe flustered.

‘I know,’ William huffed. He shifted back into the passenger seat – resting his knees against the glove compartment and Gabe stared across at him.

‘Don’t sulk,’ Gabe sighed.

‘Who’s sulking? I’m not sulking,’ William snarled sarcastically. He turned up the radio to drown Gabe out and turned his head to the window.

Gabe grimaced as the engine roared into life. William pouted the whole drive to Gabe’s apartment. He didn’t even know why he was so angry, after all he had waited all fucking week just to see Gabe and now he was ruining it for himself with his mood swings. The truth was he didn’t know how to keep someone interested without sex and since the night that they had sexted he just wanted Gabe to jump his bones. He was getting agitated because Gabe was _refusing_ to give him what he was certain they both were in aid of. _Why wouldn’t he? Didn’t he want to? Wasn’t he attracted to me? What’s wrong with me? Everything. Everything is wrong with me._

   Gabe parked on the road outside his apartment and led William up the stairs.

‘So, I thought we could just be together this time,’ Gabe shrugged.

‘Sounds great,’ William half-heartedly agreed.

Gabe held his hand as they travelled the stairs and along the corridor, only breaking contact to unlock the door.

‘This is… me,’ Gabe fidgeted. William gazed around. It was open plan exactly like at home – only there were barstools and a breakfast bar with a dining table placed next to it. The kitchen was modern. From that, the space opened out into the living area – there were two armchairs and a sofa all situated around a table and the flat screen television set. The walls were painted cream with reproductions of abstract and contemporary art to cover it. William blinked. It was cosy. He liked it; he liked it a lot. ‘Why don’t you sit down? Make yourself comfortable,’ Gabe offered. ‘Can I get you anything?’

William kicked off his sneakers. William’s feet lazily dragged over to the couch, curling his legs up into the fabric. ‘There’s one thing I’d like,’ William smiled, eyes brightening.

‘Yeah?’ Gabe questioned lightly, interest piqued.

‘You,’ William whispered darkly.

Gabe chortled. ‘I was thinking more like coffee,’ the man chuckled. William glared at him. Gabe crossed the length of the room until his hands were caressing William’s shoulders and his lips were at William’s ear from the back of the sofa. ‘Look, I told you baby – you need to trust me and I need you to need yourself to trust,’ Gabe mouthed, lips brushing against William’s skin. William’s head moulded back into the heat between them as Gabe breathed onto the boy’s skin. He felt ablaze with desire. He wanted Gabe to take him right there and then. He was tired of waiting. He knew in his heart that he didn’t trust Gabe completely yet but he didn’t care. He wanted the man’s touch and to stretch his lips over the man’s cock. He couldn’t comprehend what Gabe was expecting to gain from preventing their sexual union. William decided to bury those feelings for now. He didn’t want Gabe to think that he was a spoilt bitchy kid.

‘Want to watch a movie?’ Gabe quizzed.

   The afternoon grew into night. The couple had worked their way through _The Devil Wears Prada, Romeo and Juliet_ and they were currently cuddling with _Zoolander_. Gabe had burrowed into William on the sofa, his reassuring arms around William’s slender body. He was happy feeling Gabe’s chest rise and fall; how his heart beat but it wasn’t enough to sustain him. He yearned for more. He turned into Gabe’s body, eyes pricking up to his face and Gabe smirked down at the boy. William’s eyes were large and falsely innocent.

‘Don’t you think it’s so _hard_ to lay like this and not get a little hot? We’re so close to each other,’ William whispered. He chewed on his bottom lip, eyelashes fluttering as he gazed at Gabe. ‘Doesn’t it make you want to-?’ William breathed. His lips attached themselves to Gabe’s collarbone, he wasn’t simply kissing but he _nuzzled_ into his neck and collar, tongue playing fast and loose with contact to Gabe’s skin. ‘Are you honestly telling me that you don’t want to?’ William lowly whined. ‘Don’t want me _exactly_ where you’ll put me?’ William’s tongue painfully laced over Gabe’s skin. He heard the man’s breath hitch.

‘ _Bilvy_ ,’ he panted. William couldn’t decipher if it was another protest or a moan – it could have easily been both.

William slowly released his pressure from the soft furnishings, hand in Gabe’s as he pulled the man to his feet in search of the bedroom. William pressed the door open. Gabe grabbed at the boy’s hand, twisting him around. Gabe was locking their lips together roughly and he pushed William back onto the mattress. William’s whole body lit up. Gabe lingered over him – tongue caressing his own. William’s fingers slid down to Gabe’s jean button and then his fly. _He wanted this so much_. He wanted to hear Gabe fall apart beneath him. He wanted Gabe to feel good – he could at least give him that. Gabe’s lips trailed over William’s jaw and then his neck – his heart throbbed in his chest. Only Gabe had the ability to set him on fire. It wasn’t just about feeling weightless anymore – he craved Gabe’s body; the man’s touch; his intensity – Gabe’s entity.

Gabe inhaled deeply – the brush of air against William’s skin forced him thrust up. _YES. This is what he wanted._

‘W-wait. What am I doing? Fuck,’ Gabe whimpered. He wrenched himself back until he was towering over William’s body. ‘I – we can’t do this. I’m sorry,’ Gabe cooed, his voice dark and low. His hand palmed through William’s long hair.

‘Don’t stop. Please don’t stop,’ William pleaded.

‘Bilvy, baby. _Doesn’t this tell you what you do to me_? I won’t hurt you like that. You’re vulnerable and you need someone to look after you,’ Gabe hushed.

‘Keeping me satisfied counts as part of that,’ William pouted.

Gabe chuckled. ‘You need to respect your body and you should want me to respect it too,’ Gabe half smiled.

‘ _Christ._ You sound like my dad, asshole,’ William snapped. He wriggled from underneath Gabe to the right side of Gabe’s double bed. William’s whole demeanour sunk at this failed attempt. His eyes grew wet. His heart ached. _Why didn’t Gabe want him?_

Gabe only shifted to hold the boy. William didn’t shrug him off even though he wanted to. Gabe’s embrace was too comforting.

‘Don’t you see what you do to me, William Beckett?’ Gabe breathed against William’s ear again. William shivered. ‘ _You_ can have me where you want me.’ He pressed his lips lightly against William’s neck. ‘You have to believe me.’

   William’s mind had already bolted. _You sound like my dad – why the fuck had he brought his father into this?_ His father’s face faded away a little more each day. He hated that – alas, his father had started slipping through his fingers over a year ago and every day his soul died a tiny bit more. William’s heart flooded with blood in his chest.

‘My dad always told me that, you know. Not to fuck anyone that didn’t love me,’ William sniffed. He shifted his body in order to dangle upside down off the side of the bed. His head rushed but he couldn’t care less. ‘He always blabbed on about respect and boundaries. I miss him so much,’ William cried. He could sense tears falling in reverse up his face and decided to lay back on the mattress. Gabe moved in closer until William’s head was resting on his chest. Gabe’s fingers were stroking through the boy’s hair as his tears leaked into Gabe’s chest.

‘I thought that he’d be there forever. I thought he would watch me have kids and get married. He was supposed to be the first in line to congratulate me for graduating from high school. He was meant to be there to help me pack for college. With him, I believed everything would be okay because even if everything fell apart he would be there to put everything right again and now he’s not – there’s just this blackness and this fear that nobody is there to catch me when I fall. It was so awful – with all those people bringing us shit and giving us pity looks – all those weary faces at the funeral – like any of them even felt half the amount of pain that I did – they were crying and I didn’t shed a single tear because at least someone had to be strong; someone had to hold everything together – that’s who he was – the glue that fixed things – without him who will?’ William’s voice cracked. Gabe’s hand pressed the boy tight into the softness and heat of his body. William created a nest into Gabe’s chest. ‘It hurts so much. That’s when I started – _that_ \- when I started sleeping around – he wasn’t there to tell me not to – I thought that if I did stuff I knew that he’d disapprove of; I could forget him and it would all go away. Everything feels so hopeless. He was my guiding light and now he’s gone – I’m so lost. So lost,’ William sobbed, his tears rolled down his cheekbones and he couldn’t breathe as he wept; head nestling into Gabe’s ribcage.

‘Hey. It’s okay. I promise that it’s going to be okay. I’m here now. I’m not going to let anything or anyone else hurt you,’ Gabe hushed.

   Although William was collapsing at Gabe’s feet – it felt liberating to say it out loud; all that emotional weight evaporating. It felt amazing to cry into someone rather than on his own. William fastened his eyes painfully, his stomach was distressed and he felt empty. The last thing William remembered before drifting into sleep’s path was Gabe’s stable heartbeat engulfing all the pain and willing him to sleep like his own personal lullaby.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Easter or whatever you celebrate!

Gabe arose to the world before William. He hadn’t effectively closed the blinds the night before they were stolen by sleep, so he watched as the lazy morning light caressed at William’s skin where his t-shirt rode up revealing the shape of his hip. The boy’s pale skin was almost blinding in the sunlight as it bled through the window. Gabe couldn’t tear his eyes away from how the light pirouetted over William’s face. His dark eyelashes fanned over his skin and juxtaposed with the complexion of his softness. Gabe swallowed. His fingertips brushed at the boy’s hipbone gently. In that moment, he had never been so sure of anything. William was _the one_. Nobody else had ever been _that_ beautiful when they were vacant and messy. Gabe couldn’t resist the thoughts of William’s naked flesh and all of the positions he wanted him in. Gabe was hot with desire for the boy that slept peacefully next to him. He smiled tenderly, watching him sleep. His fingers snagged away from William’s skin and he fiddled with them as his eyes traced over William’s body. The whiteness illuminated William’s soul. He would wait as long as it took for William to be sure. There was no turning back. William was unwell; Gabe wasn’t sure if he could cure him – he wasn’t sure if he could really help because he knew that often the only approach that improved eating disorders was professional treatment. However, he was also aware that William wasn’t prepared for that and he wasn’t a total lost cause yet. If William started to improve Gabe didn’t see a reason to involve doctors; they sometimes did more harm than good. William was fragile. He needed _love_ ; not to be continually assessed and pressured. Gabe acknowledged that if the situation continued to deteriorate then he would be left with little choice but to act. He shook his head as his chest hardened. _Not yet. It wasn’t that bad yet. William could still be saved._ Gabe’s eyes melted into William’s profile. The boy didn’t even know how much he was loved. The boy didn’t even know how he made Gabe feel. His heart wept at the thought of it; that William couldn’t allow himself to be loved. The man was interrupted from his musings as William stirred into consciousness beside him. His tired eyes opened, even if he seemed dazed and grumpy; he looked stunning.

   ‘Are you – were you watching me sleep?’ William croaked.

Gabe smirked mischievously down at the boy. ‘Maybe,’ he whispered back.

The teenager blinked up at him. For a second he thought that the boy was pouting as his lips angled into the air, then he hastily realised that it was an invitation. William’s arms stretched, folding around Gabe’s neck as Gabe leant down. His lips connected with William’s, William’s tongue slurping into Gabe’s mouth. Gabe sensed his stomach fall, his pulse race and his heart wheeze. His knees found their place on the mattress, trapping William’s thighs between them. William moaned into Gabe’s mouth as they continued to make up hot and heavy. William rolled his hips up into Gabe’s body and they both shuddered in unison at the spark it created between them. William’s fingers were pulling on Gabe’s hair as he breathlessly kissed him. Gabe’s whole body _vibrated_. His skin shimmered and his nerves flat lined. He wanted nothing more than to continue this. _Not yet. He needs to trust you. Not. Yet._

   Gabe sighed as he pulled himself away. William whimpered at the loss of contact; eyes _demanding_ that Gabe resume his position. Gabe ignored him and rolled onto his back as William sat up on the edge of the bed.

‘You need to get ready. I’m going to drop you home. Text your mom that you’re okay, she’s probably worried sick,’ Gabe told him.

‘She’s used to it,’ William shrugged.

‘Text her,’ Gabe repeated, voice firmer. He jumped to his feet. ‘I’m going to freshen up and get breakfast. No arguments, okay?’

William’s demeanour was less calm than before but he remained silent.

‘Is there anything that you don’t eat?’ Gabe cussed himself because the question sounded so ridiculous considering the circumstances. William shook his head. ‘Okay,’ Gabe frowned. He had noticed the immediate alteration in William the second food was mentioned. His gut churned uncomfortably. ‘There’s a hairbrush and everything on my dresser – feel free to use the ensuite. I should have some extra toothbrushes in the cabinet.’

‘Thanks,’ William smiled. Gabe wasn’t a deluded idiot. William was completely transparent; he could behold the boy as he grew increasingly nervous. All he wanted to do was reach out and comfort him but he understood that was no remedy for this. William needed food. He had to discover the cures on his own; Gabe could direct him onto the correct path but if William didn’t figure it out for himself then the issues would steadfastly live inside of him. Gabe’s only wish was for him to get better; become irreversibly cured so that he never need suffer like that again. Thus, instead of scooping the boy up in his arms - he simply roamed out of the bedroom and into the bathroom without a glimpse back to the boy that had stolen his heart; the boy that he was almost certain he was falling in love with.

   William twirled around on the barstool as Gabe placed a strawberry milkshake in front him. ‘How old am I, five?’ William sneered, playfulness colouring his voice.

Gabe smirked at the irony in his remark. He did not speak – he merely raised his eyebrows and widened his eyes. William bit his lips, laughing softly at Gabe’s reaction. ‘Shut up,’ William giggled.

‘What do you want? I have cereal or toast… or I can make a cooked breakfast…’

William’s face dropped, his fingernails assaulted the edge of the breakfast bar.

‘Hey,’ Gabe cooed, hand stretching out from the other side of the breakfast bar to tip William’s head up gently. There was a silence that smothered the space in-between them. Their eyes burrowed into each other. ‘ _Please_ ,’ Gabe breathed, his voice cracked with the appeal. He closed the distance between them, body hovering over the surface. ‘Let me help you,’ Gabe whispered. He took the boy’s face in his hands, foreheads moulding together. William locked his eyes which prompted Gabe to follow suit. He was sure that William’s breath hitched when he pecked at the boy’s pink flesh. William grazed his lips back against Gabe’s. William kissed him again; this time it was desperate and needy as if Gabe’s lips were what he had chosen for breakfast. His teeth caught Gabe’s bottom lip and they both buzzed together until Gabe’s eyes flew open and he dropped the boy, forcing him to set his flesh free.

‘Shall I ask again? What do you want?’ Gabe questioned. His breathing was shallow.

‘You,’ William hissed.

‘To eat,’ Gabe chuckled.

William’s fingernails began to scratch at the same place they had before. ‘B-banana?’ William grumbled. His whole body sulked. Gabe simply rolled his eyes and did his upmost to ignore it. _A banana wasn’t nearly enough. At least it was something._ Gabe produced their breakfast with no other protest. William sucked down slowly on it as Gabe munched into some toast. William was _determined_ on being unbearable. He slid the banana into his mouth until Gabe stared and sucked around it. Although Gabe identified his aim; he couldn’t deny that it was working because Gabe didn’t have the power to relocate his vision nor to chastise him for his seductive and inappropriate behaviour. The rumours were all true. He bet William gave amazing head. When they finally became sexually cohesive; Gabe had a feeling that the boy would be exceedingly worth the wait.

   They were in Gabe’s car before he was aware of the time passing.

‘Text your mom that you’re on your way back. She’ll want to know.’

‘Yes, Mr Saporta,’ William jeered acidly.

‘Don’t call me that,’ Gabe urged, his voice was calm with hidden undertones of irritation.

‘Yes, sir,’ William retorted.

‘Bilvy, seriously.’

‘Why?’ William pouted. ‘Does it turn you on, _sir_?’

Gabe kept his attention on the road. ‘Bilvy,’ Gabe murmured. ‘I’m driving.’

‘Sorry, sir. I’ll behave myself, sir.’

Gabe wanted to angry about his behaviour but he couldn’t force himself into being annoyed at him. His life simply wasn’t becoming some really badly adapted, gay version of Lolita. Gabe smirked. ‘Does it turn _you_ on?’

William flinched, quite obviously not expecting that question. ‘Ermm... Err…,’ William stuttered. ‘Y-yeah. It – does. I – I – l-like it –w –w-wh,’ the boy took stock because his tongue was tripping over the words. ‘I like the idea of you – c-controlling me.’

Gabe’s cheeks flushed. He had decent self-control but his body was failing him, he could feel his cock ache into life. He was driving – it wasn’t a good time for his body to stray.

‘That idea – that idea is good,’ Gabe hushed. He regained his composure quickly. ‘That requires a particular level of trust and respect though,’ Gabe squealed. He was ignorant to if he was telling himself or Bilvy. He turned the road into William’s street and he had never been more grateful to park somewhere. William merged their lips once more, heated and sloppy. Gabe was defenceless as William seized and filled him.

William left Gabe panting as he hurdled out of the car. ‘See you later, Saporta,’ William flirted.

‘Bye, baby,’ Gabe exhaled back.

He watched as William clambered inside, only too aware of the big mess they had on their hands and yet he wouldn’t have it any other way. William was a hurricane wrapped in a storm; but he was _his_ disaster. Gabe was going to heal everything – all he needed was time.

****

‘So…’ Ryan started. ‘You fell asleep together? That’s cute,’ Ryan smirked, his nose wrinkling up.

‘Shut up,’ William scoffed. He rested his head into Ryan’s neck.

William and Ryan were both resting up against the wall on William’s bed with the television acting as a dull noise in the background. Ryan’s fingertips lightly danced into William’s hair.

‘He likes you then?’ Ryan whispered.

‘I guess so. I mean, we haven’t fucked yet but I guess that he likes me.’

‘He must trust you if he fell asleep with you, Bilvy,’ Ryan laughed. ‘You must trust him too.’

 _Ryan was always good at this._ ‘You’re so right,’ William agreed as the realisation sunk in. _He trusted Gabe Saporta._ ‘He’s amazing. _God!_ What did I do to deserve him, Ry?’ William whinged.

Ryan chortled. ‘Bilvy, you’re awesome. Being you is enough to deserve him.’

William couldn’t comprehend that. _I am nothing._ ‘How are things with you and Brendon?’ William asked, redirecting the attention away from himself.

Ryan repositioned his face, eyes glistening up to catch William’s. ‘ _Fuck, Bilvy_. Brendon is so _nice_. He’s just nice – you know? Not all of his family are okay with him being Pansexual but he just loves them. I’ve never seen someone so cool all of the time – I mean, his dad openly started talking about gay sex in front of him and me - it didn’t even embarrass him; he just fucking _laughed_. I’m sort of worried that I’m going to fuck this up, Bilvy,’ Ryan coughed.

 _Tell me about it._ ‘You’re not, Ry. It’ll be fine,’ William reassured him.

‘Brendon’s even saying that we should go public. He’s saying he wants to hold hands in the corridor.’

William grinned. He was happy that Ryan had found someone like Brendon. ‘I really want you to meet him – properly. Will you come out with us tomorrow night? My parents are both working late so I thought that I’d have a gathering.’

‘By gathering – do you mean party?’ William scolded.

‘So what if I do?’

‘Ryan,’ William laughed in exasperation. ‘You don’t help yourself, do you?’

‘It’ll only be a few people,’ Ryan huffed.

‘ _Yeah, sure_ ,’ William mocked.

‘Will you come – please? I can’t remember the last time you went out anywhere,’ Ryan persisted.

William forced his head harder into Ryan’s skin. ‘Whatever.’

‘Great. It’s at eight; at my house,’ Ryan chimed.

‘You’re fucking lucky that I can walk to where you live, Ross,’ William sneered.

‘Love you too, Bilvy,’ Ryan chuckled back.

   William grunted. He didn’t need any bullshit people wasting his time. His stomach startled in knots at the prospect of interaction with other people; even his friends – he wasn’t sure he could cope with them at the moment. Nowadays, even _Ryan_ was proving a challenge.

   William made his day through school. He didn’t always get to spend time Gabe. It hurt his heart to be in the same place without him but Gabe was working and people would notice if William was always hanging around him like a hideous smell. William had gnawed on an apple through lunch just to shut Ryan the fuck up. He walked the long route around to Ryan’s house because that translated as more exercise; less calories for Gabe to hug at night. He rocked up with some beer that was stored away because he had been raised to never attend a party empty handed. His mom wouldn’t mind. Patrick opened the door with a warm smile. If there was one person William would never feel nervous about talking to - it was him.

‘Hey, man. Come in,’ Patrick sang. As William stepped forward he flung his arms around William’s slender body. William lightly returned his embrace. ‘So great to see you. Where have you been hiding these last few weeks? It’s been unbearable without you,’ Patrick beamed.

‘Well, I very much doubt that,’ William laughed nervously, feeling alien and self-conscious as noise and music from a different room entered his ears.

‘Hey – Patrick. Where’s the -,’ a familiar deadpanned. ‘William?’ _Wait… That sounds like…_

‘Pete?’ William quizzed as Patrick moved out of obscurity. William was disgraced with Pete’s bullshit smile.

‘Now, the party’s hotting up. Alright!’ Pete simpered.

William didn’t want him to be there. In fact, _he_ didn’t want to be there. Not with Pete’s already blazing eyes. _How long would it be before Pete had him upstairs on his knees? How long would it take him to have William’s tongue in Pete’s ass?_ William’s body clenched. He didn’t want to betray Gabe’s trust; Gabe’s love. He had to be strong. He must resist Pete Wentz’ already amounting advances.

‘Pete – what were you looking for?’ Patrick questioned, completely oblivious to the sudden tension.

‘Nothing. I’m sure that I can find it. I always get what I want in the end,’ Pete smiled sour sweetly.

William wasn’t stupid; that was a threat or at the very least a notification. William strolled aimlessly into the sitting room and everyone was there – Ryan, Brendon and Travie. Patrick followed him into the room and placed himself at William’s side. It was almost comforting. Ryan was too wound up in Brendon to really be attentive to much else. William waited patiently for any opportunity to pull Ryan aside. He did, eventually, dragging him into the kitchen and shutting the door.

‘Why is Pete here? What the fuck, Ryan?’ William seethed.

‘Calm down, okay. It was a shock to me too. Patrick just turned up with him. What was I supposed to do? You know there are only a few people left that don’t know or believe your business and Patrick’s one of them,’ Ryan snapped.

William attempted to breathe rather than panic. He could function like a normal human being. All he had to do was say no. _No, Pete – I don’t want to have sex with you._ It was easy. William’s blood rushed in his veins. Ryan sighed, placing an anchoring hand on William’s hip. ‘Listen, I’ll try to keep you two separated but I don’t know what else I can do, Bilvy. I promise that I’ll make it up to you.’ Ryan smiled sincerely. William felt the anger melting away. He reasoned that it wasn’t Ryan’s fault if Pete attended uninvited.

‘Try to have a good time. Come and meet Brendon properly,’ Ryan encouraged. He grabbed William’s hand and led him back into the living room, keeping close to him as they sat on the floor. Brendon’s face contorted to unimpressed when Ryan sprawled out across William - nobody else other than Pete batted an eyelid, they were completely accustomed to their intimate behaviour.

The night had not actually been a complete wreckage. Brendon really was a good guy. They had shared all the pleasantries that a normal meeting is presented with. As Brendon became steadily drunker and William more affiliated with his surroundings – after a while they even had private jokes.

   William was starting to feel queasy due to tiredness; he imagined that Ryan and Brendon wouldn’t mind a few minutes alone so he made his excuses and his direction towards the bathroom upstairs.

‘Bilvy. There you are!’ he heard from a voice behind him. He knew it was Pete before he even turned to face him.

‘Fuck off Pete. I’m not here to be your little bitch tonight,’ William howled over-defensively. He hoped that would be enough to protect himself because as he witnessed the spark in Pete’s eyes, his control was wearing thin.

‘Trying to disobey me, are you? Brave little boy,’ Pete groaned.

William swallowed as Pete stepped closer. ‘I mean it. Leave me the fuck alone,’ William roared. He didn’t bend out of Pete’s touch when Pete caressed his face. He didn’t back away when Pete closed the proximity between their bodies.

‘Come on. We both know that you want this. Aren’t you a whore? Don’t you want me to do this? _Don’t you want me to call you pretty_?’ Pete whispered.

 _No. No. No._ William exhaled. His eyes settled into Pete’s face. ‘I want it,’ he breathed. And he did.

Pete beamed triumphantly. He made an assault upon William’s lips and it felt good to be wanted. It stilled William’s nerves to have Pete grinding up against him. He lost his mind in Pete’s movements. It took no time for them to find themselves in Ryan’s parents’ bedroom. William sunk to his knees immediately. Pete didn’t need to push him down; he went willingly. Pete unbuckled his belt and unfastened his jeans, pulling them down then his underwear. William didn’t hesitate – that would give him time to think. He stretched his lips over Pete’s head, feeling Pete’s hands rough in his hair. His head burnt as Pete pulled but William kind of _liked_ it so he didn’t complain. William felt Pete grow stiffen in his mouth and he began to bob his head, creating friction. Pete whined out.

‘Such a beautiful, little dirty whore for me,’ Pete moaned. William’s insides flared at the half compliment. _So good to be wanted._ ‘Bilvy, fuck. Such a slut,’ Pete cried out as William clamped his mouth tighter like a vacuum. He took Pete all the way down until he gagged and had to slightly retreat. With William sucking and slurping, it wasn’t long until Pete was coming into William’s mouth. As soon as it was all over, William couldn’t deny the emptiness that gripped his body. Pete pulled him again for a final make out before sloping off downstairs – pretending nothing had just happened. William honestly had never been more ashamed of himself. He travelled downstairs and out of the front door without saying goodbye to anyone. He had broken Gabe’s trust. He had never been more disgusted with himself as he wandered along the quiet night street. He couldn’t even rationalise it in his own head; there was nothing that could compare to it. The only thing worse than what he just did would be eating.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope that this is romantic and not a complete failure... Thanks for reading, you precious people. :3  
> Comments would be adored.

William was perched on Gabe’s sofa. His body was tense – he had barely slept after what he had done and he had eaten practically nothing for the entire day. He had reassured Gabe that his mom had cooked him dinner before coming over – which wasn’t exactly deceptive because _technically_ his mom had cooked him dinner; he just didn’t eat more than about two mouthfuls of it. He was too aware that if he wanted this relationship with Gabe to be a positive one – he had to tell him the truth. He didn’t know how Gabe would react or if Gabe would be terribly outraged with what he did. All he knew was that he was compelled to tell him because he owed Gabe at least that much and the guilt was breaking him into shards. Gabe was blabbering on about something that William wasn’t paying the slightest attention to. There was a white noise where Gabe’s words should be as he attempted to summon the nerve to be honest. He was forming half-hearted sentences in his head. _So, last night I – Last night I went to a party and – Last night I betrayed you and I don’t deserve your love. I don’t want to be loved by you or by anyone._

‘Gabe? B-baby?’ William tried. He turned around to where Gabe was making coffee in the kitchen. He watched the man tilt his head and hush into silence.

‘Yes?’ Gabe asked expectantly.

‘I – I need to talk to you. Will you s-sit down?’ William stuttered.

Gabe’s eyes altered into alertness and his lips straightened out into a serious grimace. He strode to William’s side, taking William’s hand in his own with an effort that simply portrayed his nature to protect and comfort. ‘What’s wrong? What’s all this about, Bilvy?’ William bowed his head. He didn’t know why but his bones began to shake and before he could control himself – there were tears streaming down his face. He just couldn’t believe that he’d done that – he had finally found someone; something decent and he had fucked it up – just like he knew that he would. Gabe blanketed his arms around the boy in complete concern. ‘What is it?’ Gabe whispered. His voice was almost a purr.

‘I’m s-so s-sorry. I d-don’t want you to hate me. It was a mistake and it will never happen again. I’m going to be better. With you – I want to be better. You make me better,’ William sobbed.

Gabe pulled him into a familiar embrace, pressing kisses against the boy’s hair. ‘What are you talking about?’

‘I – I – I –I… I’ve messed everything up. Please don’t hate me. I – I – ch-cheated. I’m so sorry. If you don’t want to see me again I’ll completely understand. You deserve so much more. I’m so sorry,’ William whimpered, tears never ceased from his eyes.

‘What?’ Gabe breathed, though he did not break his hold.

‘Last night – I was – I was at this party and I – I don’t know why – I mean – Pete – I was on my knees – and he was coming in my mouth – and I’m so _so_ sorry. I’ve never felt so disgusted with myself and the first thing that I wanted to do was find you, tell you and crawl up inside of your lap _forever_. B-but if you want to end this here then I completely understand that.’ Gabe drew back from William’s body. He was silent. William gulped through muffled tears. ‘Are you – are you angry?’ he sobbed.

‘No. I’m not angry… I’m just disappointed,’ Gabe sighed. His eyes were unreadable and his face was stone.

‘I – I -,’ William croaked.

‘Disappointed that you thought so little of me – that I’d drop you as soon as you make a mistake? Hey, baby. Come here,’ Gabe simpered. His thumbs wiped away William’s tears as he connected their foreheads together. ‘I understand that you’re going through so much right now. Don’t you believe me? I’m here for you. If you fuck up like that – we can work through it together, okay? I don’t want to see you hurting – _ever_ ,’ Gabe whispered. Gabe placed his lips against William’s. William detected the love and desperation behind the man’s lips. He bent his lips back into Gabe’s, focusing on how his head rushed and how his nerves stilled as Gabe’s hand shifted to cradle his head. Gabe hauled back; William could feel his own heart skipping beats. ‘Maybe I need to let go too. Of course you’re going to stray to other people if I never trust you; trust myself with you.’

‘You mean..?’ William gasped.

‘I don’t want you to do it because you’re upset or feeling insecure. I want you to do it because you want to; _because you trust me_ ,’ Gabe breathed.

Gabe brushed William’s hair away from his neck and slowly leant forward. William exhaled as Gabe’s lips pressed against the skin on his neck. ‘I trust you,’ he mouthed. Gabe’s teeth grazed over William’s skin. William’s whole body flinched; his empty stomach tied up in knots as Gabe’s tongue trailed over the mark he had no doubt left. William swallowed small moans as Gabe’s lips roamed upwards, the soft flesh merging with William’s pale skin; leaving the boy breathless. Gabe’s lips danced at the back of William’s ear. William closed his eyes, his skin tingled from Gabe’s touch and his senses were set ablaze. His heart thud in his chest and his cock began to harden as Gabe’s tongue tenderly danced over his skin.

‘Are you sure?’ Gabe questioned. His voice was already nothing more than a soft whisper.

‘Mhmm,’ William gulped. He had dreamt about how Gabe’s tongue might feel – when there was _intent_ like this - but it was more than William could have ever hoped for. Gabe’s love was so _real_.

‘Okay. Just give me one second,’ Gabe smiled darkly. Before William could protest at Gabe’s lost contact; he was gone like a shadow that was never really there.

   William had only been perched there for five minutes but it felt more like a lifetime. He had been thinking about what was about to commence. He knew that if he was going to go through with this – he had to commit to it; which would involve taking his clothes off. He shifted uncomfortably and chased the oxygen that escaped him. With other people, he just didn’t get naked – Ryan, Pete and Hayley never cared; the twice he had fucked Patrick drunk he couldn’t even remember and all those strangers had been regrets made under covers in the darkness. Gabe deserved to have a fully sexually satisfying relationship but William wasn’t sure that he could give it to him. His chest rose sharply to fall back again as oxygen eluded him. _He could do this._ He faceplanted back into reality with the sound of Gabe’s delicious voice.

‘Bilvy? You can come in here now,’ Gabe called to him.

William’s spindly, shaking legs carried him down the hall and into the bedroom. He drew breathe again but for a completely different reason. The room was beautiful. Gabe turned to the boy and if William wasn’t struck by the effort that Gabe had gone to – he would have been staring at Gabe’s bare torso instead. William wasn’t forming _words_ , let alone sentences as he froze in the doorway. The room was dark, the only light was clusters of electric candles placed artistically around the room. There was a thick layer of red petals strewn around the bed on the carpet, in the shape of a heart that was cut off before the point because of the bed’s interruption. William’s nostrils were aflame with the smell of cinnamon. He breathed it in – it smelt like hot desire. It was intoxicating.

‘Cinnamon incense,’ Gabe clarified. He was lingering next to William, quite obviously not sure how to proceed.

‘Y-you did all this f-for me?’ William choked. _Now he had to take his clothes off._

Gabe frowned and tipped his head to gaze at William. His face was the darkest he had ever seen it. His eyes were smouldering and his lips were pursed. William drank him – he was exposed in only his boxers and William couldn’t believe that _he_ wasn’t his first point of attention. His skin was milky smooth and his tall legs stick out, hairy but not un-feminine. His shoulders sloped down in a sharp line. William’s eyes settled on the matching sharpness of the man’s jaw. He had to steady himself because this man was almost naked and wanted to have sex with him: William Beckett.

   ‘Are you – okay?’ Gabe flashed him a wry smile.

‘Y – yeah. _God – you’re sexy_ ,’ William complained. He had no intention to moan but he heard how the words sounded. Gabe’s only response was to simper torturously and destroy the distance between them. He gripped at the small of William’s back forcing him closer; when Gabe smashed their lips in union - it was different. Gabe was hungry for deep kisses; he took control and William was reduced to a fumbling wreck as Gabe’s tongue licked out his mouth and he had never loved the man more. Gabe’s hands wandered, circling over William’s ass and one hand trailed around his waistband until his fingers were ghosting over William’s button. William breathed as Gabe unpopped it and then quickly undid him. William shimmied out of them, breathing through the nerves.

‘Don’t be nervous,’ Gabe whispered. William’s face hailed up to Gabe’s to be met with a reassuring smile. ‘You’re beautiful.’ Gabe’s thumb brushed over William’s hip bone and William’s body _melted_. Every touch felt like a release. Every kiss felt like a purification. All the sin of every other sex session was being replaced with this memory – the taste of Gabe’s mouth and the smokiness of Gabe’s eyes. William pulled his own t-shirt off in one swift motion. They were both hard through thin underwear. Gabe’s chest rubbed against William’s and William could feel the man’s heartbeat pounding in his ribcage. Gabe slowly spun William around until he was in a position that could be pushed down onto the mattress. Gabe landed on top of him when they both fell onto the bed. William’s arms ended up above his head and Gabe’s hands grabbed at William’s wrists, pressing his bones into the softness. Their cocks were rubbing together through thin layers of cotton; the friction was maddening. Gabe’s teeth clamped around his neck again. William slurred soft noises as Gabe sucked at skin before pecking down his paleness and sucking again on his collarbone. William wanted to switch off completely – in this room under a hazy blanket of rose petals and wrecked breaths he would shut himself down. Gabe lips playfully upturned when he pulled back to meet William’s guise.

‘So amazing, baby,’ Gabe slurred. He dropped William’s wrists in favour of rolling his tongue down William’s chest. He nipped at William’s skin softly. William loved the balance between gentleness and roughness. Gabe’s face _burrowed_ into William’s stomach. His tongue slowly rolled against his skin under his bellybutton. William’s arms were stuck; almost _restrained_ above his head. He moaned softly as Gabe’s pecked at his tummy. ‘So beautiful. So perfect,’ Gabe purred into the boy’s skin. William swallowed as Gabe’s fingers danced with the waistband on William’s underwear and he slid them down until William was completely uncovered. William, to his own surprise, relished the feeling of freedom and security that it supplied. His head had been abandoned somewhere between his own bareness and Gabe’s dark expression. William thought his skin must be glowing because he had never felt so divine in his whole life; as their bodies intermingled - as if they were designed to fuse into each other – William swore he could behold something else; almost as though their very souls were waltzing. His bones rested in his body as he let Gabe engulf him completely. He had been wishing so long for something to release him from a second of the pain he had locked in his head. Gabe paused as he stretched across to snatch a bottle of lube from the nightstand. Gabe wasted no time in slicking his fingers up until they were wet.

‘You ready?’ Gabe hushed.

William nodded back from a complete different world – a forgotten paradise that he had lost all hope of finding. Gabe’s index finger circled William’s hole delicately until it was sticky; Gabe’s finger pushed in with very little effort. William groaned out loud; sinful and appreciative. His cock was already thick with pre come. Gabe pushed him open before descending and slipping another finger inside of him. William couldn’t focus on anything except the burning sensation that gripped his body – it was too good to be painful. William gulped back moans. Gabe’s fingers fucked him tenderly until William was stretched enough to push back on Gabe’s hand. The pressure was too much. He wanted more. He wanted to be so saturated in Gabe that he would never be able to escape him. William ruthlessly grinded down on Gabe’s hand; _begging_ to be filled.

‘My stunning boy,’ Gabe laughed.

‘Yours,’ William breathed back in response. This was so much more than fucking; they were exchanging a segment of their hearts.

   Gabe removed his fingers from William. William grumbled at the loss of warmth. He hadn’t noticed his eyes were closed until he opened them to question what had made Gabe pull away. William shivered at the sight of Gabe peeling his own underwear off. Gabe’s solid cock stood there; William couldn’t wrench his eyes away from Gabe’s exposed body; how vivid; how actual he was. Gabe’s face was shrouded in seductiveness as he attached the condom to his cock and then poured lube into his hands; spreading it down his shaft – he hissed to himself before removing his hand. William set his head back against the comforting pillow as Gabe lingered over his body once more. Gabe added more lube to William before lining himself up. William’s eyes shut tight; body loose and rested. He wanted this to never end. Gabe’s lips trailed down his neck again then trailed up to William’s cheek, eventually leading into a make out as he caught the boy’s lips. Gabe pushed in as he kissed him romantically, their foreheads were linked as Gabe slid the whole distance into William’s body. _So good. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Love this. Love – love you._ William moaned into the man’s mouth. Gabe thrust in and out in a consistent rhythm, nipping at William’s mouth and keeping their foreheads connected. William’s arms hooked under Gabe’s armpits, wrapping around his shoulder blades. William was clinging onto Gabe’s body as he moved inside the boy. William had never felt more alive than when his body was clamped around Gabe’s. Their souls chased each other in the air around them; like butterflies in the summer wind. Gabe’s hand released from the back of William’s neck to jerk the boy’s erection. William arched up into Gabe’s body, he came from Gabe’s touch as his vision splashed from dreary black and white into mind-blowing technicolour. Gabe’s thrusts were gently brutal as chased his own orgasm; William met every motion. Their foreheads never broke as their breaths were messy and their hearts ripped through their ribcages as if they wanted to be united through each other’s skin. Gabe breathed a final moan against William’s lips. Even after it was over; the magical still exploded in the atmosphere around them and William didn’t let his grip on Gabe’s body weaken. Their breathing was non—existent and their voices raspy as they rode the afterglow. William’s arms slipped away from Gabe’s skin; so nicely fucked and utterly satisfied – completely at ease with being alive. Gabe dropped his back to the soft covers, disposing of the condom and slipping underneath. William followed suit; naked body content with the softness of the bed and the velvety feel of Gabe’s skin as he snuggled into the man’s naked body. William’s head rested on Gabe’s shoulder – completely at peace with the world for the first time in seventeen years. Gabe was his home; Gabe was his heart.

   ‘Are you alright, darling?’ Gabe asked into the silence of the room.

‘Yep,’ William yawned lazily.

Gabe kissed the top of his head, inhaling the boy’s scent. ‘Can you stay awake long enough to have _this conversation_?’

‘Can I keep my eyes closed?’ William’s eyes were heavy in his face.

‘As long as you can stay awake,’ Gabe chuckled.

‘Shoot,’ William invited. He wanted to curl up and fall asleep but if Gabe needed to talk then they would.

‘Was that okay for you?’ Gabe coughed.

If William wasn’t so tired, he would have opened his eyes wide in shock. ‘ _Was that good?_ Baby, that was the best fuck of my life,’ William scoffed quietly. His whole demeanour was hushed and lazy as he rested against Gabe’s body.

‘So – you want to do that again?’

‘Maybe not right now, you animal. But of course I do,’ William smirked.

‘And other stuff? You said that you liked the idea of me controlling you?’

‘Yeah,’ William agreed sleepily.

‘We’re going to have to discuss that.’ Gabe huffed as his fingers lightly stroked through William’s hair. ‘But you’ve already chosen sleep over me so we can talk it through some other time,’ Gabe murmured lightly. He pecked at the top of William’s head again. The last sound William remembered before falling into a deep, fairytale-esque dream world was the synchronised beating of their hearts; singing cheerily into the silence of the room; the greatest of any lullaby.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey. It's been a little while but I promise that this will be updated soon! (Chapter 14)
> 
> Also, if any of you have tumblr - feel free to allow me at: http://i-compose-burlesques.tumblr.com/  
> I post sneak peeks and stuff to do with this story. Also, if anyone wanted me to do some characters posts or anything - if requested I would totally make them. :)

‘Bilvy,’ Gabe whispered. ‘Bilvy, baby – wake up,’ Gabe jibbed, his fingertips brushed William’s hair back from his face delicately. He pressed his lips to William’s, kissing innocent but when the boy made no sign of life Gabe took the liberty of biting at boy’s bottom lip. William smiled around Gabe’s mouth.

‘I am awake – _asshole_ ,’ William chortled playfully.

‘Don’t ignore me then,’ Gabe simpered back.

William’s eyes flew open and Gabe’s pupil embedded into him. He could feel the boy’s heartbeat dance and how his breathing strayed. ‘We need to get you home, baby,’ Gabe murmured.

William whined in disapproval. Gabe didn’t want to part from him - not after the night that they had just spent together but his mom would be worried and they both had school in the morning.

‘Bed warm,’ William protested.

Gabe laughed, allowing William to cling to his body. ‘I know but we can’t pretend the outside world isn’t still turning – even if it feels like that from this bed,’ Gabe sighed.

In his bed with the boy he _loved_ ; it was as if time had frozen. There was nothing he wanted more than to say ‘it’s okay – we can hide here forever. Fuck the rest of the world’ but he was a responsible adult – _at least one of them had to be_.

‘You need to shower up or take a bath if you want – we have _some_ time, I guess,’ Gabe grumbled.

‘God, I haven’t had a bath in so long – we only have a shower at home. Would you mind?’

Gabe lips found their place at William’s neck, pecking lightly against the boy’s skin. ‘Of course not. I just offered.’

‘On one condition,’ William smirked. Gabe face’s strained up to stare at William.

‘What?’ Gabe examined, with a wide eyes.

‘Say you’ll watch,’ William tantalised. His voice was low; eyes dark. Gabe didn’t know what William was attempting to prove or maybe he wasn’t – maybe he just thought it was sexy…

‘Okay. But seriously, it’s like half one which means that we both need to get up in five and a half hours. You can’t take forever,’ Gabe cautioned.

‘I’m trying to be seductive here – quit ruining the vibe with reality,’ William chimed. His lips were attacking Gabe’s collarbone before he knew what was happening. Since last night, it was almost as if their bodies were completely fair game to each other. Gabe heard William suck at his skin, his fingers brushed gingerly through his long, dark strands. His heart wheezed in his ribcage as William’s lip smashed against the man’s skin. His body shivered.

‘I’ll – I’ll run it for you,’ Gabe struggled. William really knew how to use his mouth; he was too well aware that he had a weapon for mass destruction in his possession. He waited until William laid back against the mattress before springing into action. He caught sight of himself in the mirror. There was an angry looking red, purple mark on his neck – higher than a shirt collar rises. Gabe cussed, though at nothing in particular, that every student and teacher would be privy to it. Gabe was no expect on the school protocol but he was pretty sure turning up to work with love bites was _not_ encouraged, without them being from _students_. Gabe sleepily turned the knobs listening to the water; he reached across to the cabinet taking out a candyfloss bath bomb, a bottle of strawberries and cream bubble bath and resting a navy blue towel on the towel rack. The steam rose from the water and Gabe added the ingredients until the whole bathroom flamed with the fragrance of confectionaries. William piled in behind him, resting against the doorframe; his posture was so protective and insecure. Gabe’s heart sunk.

‘Don’t be self-conscious,’ Gabe purred. He strode towards William, drawing him close by his naked hips. ‘You look _amazing_ ,’ Gabe whispered against the boy’s neck. The boy shuddered against his prescience.

‘You really think so?’ William gulped.

‘ _Think so? Babe_ ,’ Gabe breathed. He wrenched back to face William; eyes baring down into the man opposite him. ‘If we had time, I’d take you right here. Hot damn,’ Gabe teased.

‘We have time,’ William sniggered.

‘We don’t,’ Gabe shook.

‘Water’s ready,’ William announced. Gabe turned to be met with a full, bubbly bath tub. He hurriedly turned the taps off and checked the temperature; just right.

‘Want anything?’ Gabe offered.

William guffawed, eyes hooded – biting on his lip. William nodded as closed the distance between them; forcing their lips together hard until William’s tongue was dominating Gabe’s mouth. William pushed the man back until the back of his knees collided with the side of the tub. Gabe was losing his control. He defiantly jostled William’s body away from his own. ‘Get in the bath, Beckett. Stop killing time,’ Gabe demanded.

     William scoffed, sticking his tongue out before climbing over the side of the bath tub. Gabe walked out of the bathroom, rushing the coffee making process and re-entering with a mug glued to his fingers. William was scrubbing at his scalp as Gabe dropped the lid to the toilet and placed himself on it. He was still fully naked but his apartment wasn’t that cold and it certainly wasn’t chilled in the bathroom with the warmth of the water enhancing the heat already produced from between the men.

   Gabe couldn’t tear his vision away. William was _so wet_ ; skin dripping slippery and moist. Hair messy from where he plunged water over it to dispel the bubbles of shampoo. He was irresistible. Gabe just wanted to take him; thrusting in roughly, kisses more teeth than tongue until William was whining so loud that the neighbours would hear. He attempted to stable himself; anyone could see that William was tired as fuck and needed tenderness. He required care and although Gabe was powerless to prevent his mind from racing; William’s body was a temptation he didn’t have to yield to.

‘Like what you see?’ William smirked. His eyes fixated on a spot; Gabe followed his line of vision down to his impossibly solid erection. He gulped. His eyes shot back to William who only bit his bottom lip and flexed his leg into the air, sponge swiping over it; bathwater and bubbles drizzling everywhere. Gabe heaved breath. He watched William for a further ten minutes as he bathed and flicked his wet hair, casting seductive looks in Gabe’s direction. Gabe wasn’t taken in by it – the boy may have heat pumping through his veins but underneath it was obvious that he was exhausted and _fragile_. His skin was pale and his eyes had deep purple circles running around them. Gabe simply loved him too much to give into his own desires; even if William was offering himself up. William needed to know how to treat himself better. Eventually, William stood up – water splashing from his soaked skin into the tub and Gabe rushed to assist him – placing a towel around his shoulders and rubbing him dry as William shivered. William was guided by Gabe onto the tiled floor of the bathroom and into the bedroom. He perched him on the bed and let Gabe invest all of his energy in the hard work; rubbing the fabric against his skin and then drying his hair.

‘Can you just take care of me all the time? It’s so nice not having to think,’ William moaned. When Gabe lightly leant over his shoulder to view his face: his eyes were shining.

‘Somehow I don’t think that would be a good idea. How would you live without me?’

‘I don’t ever want to live without you,’ William retorted. It was an initial response, spoken quickly. Gabe’s nose ghosted into the back of William’s neck from where Gabe was positioned behind him, towel to William’s head. His lips pecked tenderly. He reclined backwards, stretching for his hairbrush. ‘Do you want me to do your hair for you?’

‘Yes, please,’ William nodded. He scooched around the edge of the mattress until he was staring at himself in the mirror and Gabe shifted to maintain his position behind him. He rested on William’s shoulder.

‘Do you see how perfect you are?’ Gabe whispered into William’s ear. He felt the boy’s shudder.

He didn’t reply. He simply stared at himself, eyes roving to Gabe once. Gabe rolled his eyes and pushed the hairbrush delicately through William’s knotted mane. It wasn’t long until William’s hair dangled neatly, allowing Gabe to plug the hair dryer into a socket from the extension lead that was a fixture on the table next to his bed.

   Gabe sleepily drove William back thankful for the coffee that he had drank. William appeared so distant and translucent as if his mind was wandering; roaming outside in the darkness of the city. Though, Gabe’s heart twisted in worry he made himself at home with the simple sounds of the radio. He parked up outside William’s house and the boy turned to him, lips stretching upwards wider than ever on his face.

‘Tonight was a dream. Don’t wake me up,’ William whispered.

Gabe pouted at the boy’s melancholic tone. ‘You only have to go inside the house and you can stay asleep until morning light,’ Gabe hummed back.

William sloped across until their lips were locked together and his hand was crooked around Gabe’s jaw so that he couldn’t pull away. ‘I – I think that I might be falling in love with you,’ William stuttered.

Gabe stared into his earnest, chocolate eyes. They were vacant to everything except truth. ‘I think that I might be falling in love with you too,’ Gabe purred. Their noses touched and their foreheads stuck together. ‘So, promise you’ll take self-care more seriously. Promise me that you’ll eat breakfast in the morning before school.’

‘How about if I promise _to try_?’ William exhaled.

Gabe sighed. ‘For now,’ Gabe swallowed. He wanted to push William more brutally but he really didn’t think that would improve a deteriorating situation.

‘Promise.’

William pecked at the man’s lips once more before opening the door of the car and letting himself inside the house. Gabe couldn’t quite believe the course of the night. He had fucked a student and it felt so right that he didn’t even feel guilty about it. He was very nearly in _love_.

****

Gabe was pretty done by lunchtime. The lack of sleep from the night before had taken its toll and he was _not_ looking forward to the rest of his work after lunch. He was in the staffroom. He craned his body down to get his salad out of the fridge; clothes stretching with his skin.

‘Saporta! You dirty stop out. Why didn’t you tell me earlier that you had company last night?!?’ Gabe propelled himself upright and stared at Mikey with a blank look until the realisation occurred that William had branded him with an all too visible mark on his neck. He cussed the boy again for being so fucking irresistible. There was no denying what it was - so Gabe figured that he would have to lie a little, although he felt bad being untruthful to Mikey, who had become his friend along with Gerard, Lyn, Ray and Victoria, it was nothing compared to the consequences he would be forced to face for being honest; it was nothing compared to losing William. His fingertips traced the area, reminiscent of how William’s lips tasted. He fluttered internally.

‘It’s nothing,’ Gabe chortled.

‘Shut up! It so is not nothing. Tell me everything! What was he like? Is there a new guy? Or just… letting off steam? How big -,’ Mikey enthused.

‘Mikey! Seriously, we don’t want to hear about some guy’s junk,’ Frank snarked.

‘Speak for yourself,’ Victoria hooted.

‘So _what was he like?_ ’ Lyn chimed in.

Gabe rolled his eyes, handling his lunch and coffee. He placed the beverages on the table and relaxed into the sofa between Mikey and Victoria; Gerard and Lyn opposite him; Frank to the left and Ray to the right. ‘You know that you’re worse than the children,’ Gabe hissed with a hint of playfulness in his voice.

‘Don’t say that he didn’t put out?’ Mikey smirked.

‘Mikey! Dude, you obviously need to get laid yourself,’ Gerard cackled.

‘No. I’m just totally down for gay sex gossip,’ Mikey snorted back. ‘Spill!’

‘Okay, okay,’ Gabe sighed. ‘There’s not that much to tell – I’ve been seeing a guy for a while, he came over, we started kissing and then we fucked for the first time. End of story.’

‘No good in bed?’ Victoria sniggered.

Gabe leant forward to pick up his mug of coffee, revealing the fingerprints on his hips as his shirt rode up following his movement. ‘Not if _they_ are anything to go by,’ Mikey burst out.

‘ _Okay_. Maybe it was really awesome. I made the room really romantic with electric candles and rose petals. I don’t think he’d ever had that before… _Fuck, when he took his clothes off_ … The whole thing was so surreal. It was like when you see someone from across the way and all you can think about is how beautiful they are – you think that if they even give you the time of day then you’ve already exceeded your own expectations because they are an angel roaming amongst mortals. Then, you get to know them and they are even more amazing than you had originally recognised. Eventually, the night comes for you to have sex; only, when you it happens – it feels less like fucking and more like you’re falling in love with them all over again.’ Gabe stopped, inhaling heavily because his heart was drumming off the beat and his muscles ached for William to be there with him.

‘Shit,’ Gerard gasped. ‘Saporta’s _in love_ ,’ Gerard beamed.

‘Really fucking sounds like he is,’ Mikey concurred.

‘Sap,’ Frank piped up.

‘When you actually steal someone’s heart - by eating it out of their chest - you can have an opinion,’ Mikey snapped.

Frank made a childish expression in Mikey’s direction.

‘How about the actual sex though?’ Lyn asked. Gerard shook his head in exasperation beside her.

‘The best I’ve ever had,’ Gabe coughed. His head rushed through all the other positions that awaited them. He was desperate to test if William’s oral skills were as accomplished as whispers in the corridors claimed. He had never desired a person; a body more. William turned him on beyond all comprehension. He wanted to spend _days_ in bed with the boy.

‘Lunch is almost over,’ Ray complained.

‘Better eat up everyone,’ Lyn nodded.

‘Sounds like Gabe ate enough for all of us last night,’ Mikey cackled.

‘You’re disgusting. Sometimes, I don’t even know how we share blood,’ Gerard cussed with a light hearted gleam in his eye.

Everyone laughed at their sibling banter and the room slowly became dormant as lunchtime faded into the depths of time.

****

William was fiddling with a fork on his tray. He had chosen food that he no intention of ingesting but he promised Gabe that he’d at least _try_. Patrick was next to him; he guessed that they ought to converse in order to deaden the awkward silence that was rising between them.

‘I haven’t seen you since the party, Bilvy. Why did you take off like that?’ Patrick quizzed.

‘I don’t know. Why did you bring _Pete_?’

Before Patrick could dignify that reaction with an answer; Travie interrupted them. ‘Hey. Bilvy! No way,’ Travie encouraged. He pulled William into an embrace which William sunk into. ‘It’s so good to see you.’

‘You too, Trav,’ William simpered. Travie made him uncomfortable. It was obvious that since the beginning of high school, Travie had been ardently in love with William. It was wrong for so many reasons… William had never perceived Travie as anything more than a friend and even if he had - he had no idea how a relationship could ever be functional – Travie’s asexuality had killed any hopes he never had. William couldn’t play with him like that – plunging them into a relationship where he always wanted it and Travie never would. Yet, Travie’s love remained steadfast. It was tragic. William had believed that Travie might find someone else in time. Instead, Travie simply wasted all of his love on him. William didn’t have the heart to actually break Travie’s. William stabbed the fork into the lasagne he had selected just so that he didn’t have to meet Travie’s eye. He felt nauseous simply looking at it. _Fat. Fat. Fat._

‘Bilvy? Are you – actually here?’ Ryan beamed. When William shifted to face Ryan, Brendon was lingering behind him.

‘Hey,’ William smiled, his eyes bypassed Ryan completely.

‘Hey dude,’ Brendon simpered.

‘Mind if I borrow your boyfriend for a second?’ William teased.

‘Sure. Just don’t get him in any trouble,’ Brendon joked. William wasn’t sure if that was a general remark or specific to him because of his reputation.

Ryan placed his lunch on the table and kissed Brendon’s lips in the middle of the lunch hall; indifferent to prying eyes.

   The two teenagers paced out of the cafeteria and down the hall until they located an empty classroom, closing the door behind them. They hauled chairs out from the behind the desks.

‘What’s wrong? Lunch is almost over and I’m _starving_.’

‘Fine. _Eat food_ if you don’t want to hear about what happened last night… with Gabe…’

Ryan’s eyes widened. ‘Shut up. You didn’t, did you?!?’

‘Maybe,’ William grinned.

‘You fucked a teacher!’ Ryan hushed as if the whole world was listening.

‘Yeah… It was weird – it was so romantic and _different_ ,’ William sighed.

‘He’s fucked a student,’ Ryan continued, unreachable in his own train of thought.

‘Y-yeah,’ William stammered. He had been so caught up in how Gabe made him feel that he had forgot how much Gabe was risking for him.

‘Tell me everything,’ Ryan hollered.

William giggled. He pondered what to commence with first – how his skin pricked at Gabe’s touch; how the man kissed and tasted; how the man decorated the bedroom _just for him_ ; how great his cock was, all thick and so readily wet. He wanted to tell Ryan _every last detail_. Most importantly, he had to tell Ryan that he was falling in love with Gabe Saporta and for the first time in almost a year; William didn’t feel completely miserable. Gabe was his saving grace.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there. Thanks to everyone who has been reading this story so far. The next few chapters are going to get very darkly smutty so please be aware of that before continuing to read this. All of it is completely consensual and most of it is planned out between William/Gabe.   
> As always, comments would be divine. I hope that you all enjoy the update.   
> If you want to follow me on tumblr then go for it and if you have any questions about this story feel free to drop me a message. Xx

William hadn’t physically seen Gabe in a few days. They texted every day – it wasn’t like they hadn’t spoken but William was craving Gabe’s dark eyes and Gabe’s _touch_ ; the boy shivered just _thinking_ about it. He was hoping to catch Gabe before they both went home. Gabe was going to pick him up later so that they could hang out but William didn’t want to wait a single second longer. He was roaming down the corridor sluggishly; tired bones and achy muscles plaguing his every footstep. The corridor was completely void of human life. He drifted along absentmindedly – allowing himself to hover in the direction of Gabe’s classroom.

He had been in such a daydream that he hadn’t notice anyone sneaking up on him from behind.

‘Hey you,’ an unmistakable voice chirped.

‘Fuck off, Wentz,’ William groaned. He pivoted to face Pete; just as William expected – there he was smiling – all teeth and arrogance.

‘Come on, Bilvy. I know that you don’t mean it,’ Pete smirked.

_No, this time I really do. I have Gabe now. I don’t need you. I never needed you._ William wanted to resist. He wanted to say no and walk away; into Gabe’s arms and burrow into Gabe’s embrace until Gabe drowned his senses. ‘You’re looking pretty sexy today,’ Pete leered. Pete’s hand stretched, cradling William’s bony ass; driving their bodies closer together. Pete pressed William up against the lockers; William slid down – adjusting the height difference between them. The words weren’t coming out. _No. No. No._ Pete’s lips attacked William’s neck messily, hard kisses marking his skin.

‘Look – Pete,’ William began weakly. ‘I don’t think that – _Pete_ ,’ William moaned. William’s breathing grew reckless. ‘I – I,’ William attempted again. Every time he tried to tell Pete no, Pete flicked his tongue in just the right place. He was powerless to escape the glow that being wanted blessed him with. Gerard appeared at the very far end of the corridor. William had never been more grateful for Gerard’s presence.

‘Teacher,’ William gasped.

Pete wrenched himself back; stealing a kiss from William’s chapped lips. ‘See you around, gorgeous,’ Pete grinned in self-satisfaction. William sped into Gabe’s classroom before Gerard had a chance to catch up with him. As he secured the door closed behind him, he felt safe once more – as long as he had Gabe nothing could hurt and nothing ever would.

****

After the last time Gabe had sat William down and told him that if they were going to start frequently engaging in sex – they had to talk about it; about what they each wanted and how they were going to proceed from their current position. William was resting against the sofa with his head perched on Gabe’s shoulder. No matter how much he tried – he couldn’t seem to tell Gabe anything. He was simply too ashamed and embarrassed. The last thing he wanted was for Gabe to think he was a _slut_ too….

‘Go and stand over there with your feet touching the skirting board; back of your knees against the wall,’ Gabe requested. William didn’t question his motives; he blindly obeyed Gabe – pressing himself up against the florally decorated wall. He blinked back at Gabe whose face was now dominated with a wry smirk. ‘Now, I’m going to sit over here – not looking at you and you’re going to tell me everything, okay?’

Gabe clenched the mug of coffee to his chest as sat back against his couch.

William let himself lean lazily, eyes fixed on the back of Gabe’s head. His breathing was laboured and his fingers were squashed between the wall and his arched back in order to give him something else to focus on. Gabe didn’t move or speak; he simply waited for William to be ready and he appreciated that; how Gabe never pushed him and always seemed understand what he was thinking as if a deeply profound connection existed that only they shared.

‘I – err – I guess that -,’ William fumbled. Even though Gabe was no longer looking at him, it still felt like Gabe was bearing down on him; it was a comforting feeling but he just didn’t know how to put into words what he was failing to say. ‘I – I think about you fucking me hard; like, really fucking roughly. Maybe you’d bend me over your desk at school and tell me how much of a failed student I am – and – s-spank me like they used to – as punishment.’

‘What else?’ Gabe questioned. William couldn’t read the man’s expression but his voice was darker than chocolate.

William gulped, fingers numbing from the pressure of being trapped between his bones and the unforgiving surface. ‘I – I – I,’ William stumbled. Words eluded him. How could he admit to all the images that had been plaguing his attention? Gabe pressing him down into the mattress, hands squeezing brutally at his wrists, biting into his skin – _marking_ him as his. He wanted to be Gabe’s. He trusted Gabe more than he had ever trusted anyone in his pathetic little life. He wanted Gabe to take everything from him in ways that he had never experienced before. He was desperate to leave no stone unturned. ‘I just want you to take me. I want you to make me yours,’ William breathed. He was bitterly aware that his cheeks were glowing and his vacant stomach was stirring with passion. ‘I don’t want to ever be anyone elses.’

   Gabe turned around at William’s utterance. He set his coffee down on a coaster that was a permanent fixture on the coffee table. He calmly danced towards William; smoky, smouldering eyes betraying his composure. William fingers slid from their aching position to rest by his side as he forced his shoulder blades into the wall; fixing his posture. Gabe lingered – dark eyes judging his own and William couldn’t breathe under Gabe’s pressure. Gabe pressed forward until their lips were almost touching; chests millimetres apart and William was paralysed. His heart raced in his ribcage and he swallowed as Gabe moved into his body; lips shifting to the side of William’s face, caressing the snappy line of his jaw. William let out a small whimper because he had been craving this for days. Gabe’s hands rested gently on William’s hipbones; William’s own hands nesting into the small of Gabe’s back without much trepidation. Gabe’s lips smoothed upwards over the boy’s skin, tongue lapping into the shell of his ear and William was rapidly becoming lost in a world of arousal.

‘If you want me to make all your fantasies come true – then you have to help me out with mine,’ Gabe whispered. His breath brushed over William’s flesh, forcing the boy to shiver.

‘Name it,’ William murmured.

‘I want you to solemnly promise me that you’ll conscientiously try to get better. Don’t tell me that you have been – I see straight through you, remember?’

William bit his bottom lip to fight away the sense of guilt that was settling into his consciousness.

‘I want to promise me that from now on you’re going to take self-care more seriously. There are people that love you,’ Gabe hushed.

William nodded. He could try; for Gabe, for his mom – for Ryan he would try. ‘Promise,’ William hissed.

Gabe smiled, eyes sparkling into William’s – William’s fingertips clawed into Gabe’s t-shirt. Gabe wriggled out of William’s grip; lacing their fingers together and pulling William with him as he travelled back to the couch. ‘Come on,’ Gabe chuckled. William smirked back at him, feet willingly gliding in time with Gabe’s strides. They fell onto the sofa; Gabe’s arms blanketing around William’s body. William let his bones sink into Gabe’s; he rested his head into the crook of Gabe’s neck – purposefully exhaling into the man’s skin and feeling him shudder. All those voices; all those thoughts that were almost like his most hated friends were an illusion in Gabe’s company. Sometimes William could hear their warnings but he was unable to properly comprehend their meaning over Gabe’s warmth. Gabe’s fingertips rested at ease on William’s hips once more, poking out through the grip of William’s long fingers. Though the tiredness in his muscles and the pain in his stomach were still alive and pounding throughout his entire body, Gabe’s touch soothed everything.

‘If you want to do that stuff then we need to talk,’ Gabe sighed.

‘Sure. What do you want to start with first?’ William shrugged.

William had fucked a lot of people but he had never taken the time with anyone to properly explore his sexuality like this. He had been interested in being a sub ever since he had learnt what it is was. He guessed that there was simply something pathetically fixed within him that would always thrive on administering himself pain; maybe he was just too fucked up for anybody to fix – even Gabe.

   ‘Boundaries?’ Gabe suggested.

William thought about it. ‘Wrist cuffs and blindfolding but nothing else. I don’t mind being tied to like the headboard or… or – I don’t know what else you could tie me to,’ William blushed.

Gabe chuckled darkly, lips brushing William’s skin. ‘You’d be surprised,’ Gabe purred. William’s body _ached_ from that remark. ‘Also, that’s a shame because I have thigh clamps just going to waste.’

‘Y-y-you have _thigh clamps_?’

Gabe pecked at the top of William’s head. ‘I’m not as boring as you give me credit for,’ Gabe simpered. ‘What else?’

‘Erm…,’ William struggled.

‘There’s a lot involved in subbing, baby. Do you want me to make you beg? Do you want me to make you do things?’

William’s heart marched in his chest. _Yes. Yes. Yes. All of it._ ‘Yes,’ he breathed, no hint of uncertainty in his voice.

‘Okay. Do you have a safe word?’

‘Ermm… Pineappple?’ William shrugged – eyes glazing over the fruit themed furniture.

‘Okay. Mine is Mango,’ Gabe grinned. ‘You use it _whenever_ you like. Okay? I mean it – if you feel even a little uncomfortable – use it. I’m not a mind reader and doms don’t _always_ get everything right. I cannot stress enough to you the importance of communication.’

‘Is there anything that _you_ want to do?’ William quizzed in an attempt to subvert the conversation.

‘I don’t really like pain. No wax. No ice. No nipple clamps. I mean, if you want to be spanked in roleplay – I’m sure we can do that. I actually really like giving out praise.’ William buried his face into Gabe’s neck – recalling how praise had felt last time. William shivered. ‘Is that a yes?’ Gabe beamed. William nodded. His entity was somewhere else and his body buzzed. ‘My other condition is that you always communicate with me, okay? If I ask you a question – I expect to get an articulate response,’ Gabe declared softly.

William kissed at the man’s skin. ‘Agreed. Is that everything?’ William was lying in Gabe’s lap and the hard bulge poking into his ass had not gone unnoticed.

‘For now,’ Gabe sighed, detecting William’s impatient tone. William turned until he was straddling Gabe. He beheld the man’s heart burst and how the light shifted in his eyes. ‘You’re gorgeous. I don’t understand how you can’t see it, baby,’ Gabe whispered.

William made no reply. He simply locked their lips in union. He pressed his body down into Gabe’s – grinding against the man’s crotch.

   ‘ _Bilvy_ ,’ Gabe gasped breathlessly. Gabe’s hands pulled them apart. William followed Gabe’s movements as he pushed William back against the couch cushions and lingered over him. Gabe clutched at William’s arms, fingers gripping tightly around William’s wrists. He forced the boy’s arms into the soft furnishings beneath them, hands either of side of William’s head. Gabe fixed William hopelessly in place beneath him. William wanted more – Gabe’s lips or Gabe’s fingers or… Gabe’s cock. He wanted the man to leave him writhing. Gabe’s lips skimmed gently at the boy’s neck and then sucked causing William’s lungs to deflate. William arched up into Gabe’s body despite Gabe’s resistance. He smoothed a trail to William’s ear with his delicate pink flesh. His hands were mercilessly gripping onto William’s wrists – it wasn’t _enough_.

‘Like this?’ Gabe asked. William sensed in his voice that he wasn’t examining if William liked what he was doing but if it was what William had been expecting. Gabe was requesting for approval. William’s heart flicked that Gabe should even bother – he knew that what they had was special; he was starting to realise that Gabe might just love him.

‘Mhmm,’ William offered, too _gone_ to supply Gabe with an alternative response.

Gabe pursued his lips, sitting upright and letting William’s arms free. William didn’t even realise that his eyes had fallen closed until they flew open at the loss of contact.

‘Did you not listen to anything that I just said?’ Gabe growled.

William blinked back at him; replaying the last minute in his head… _Shit._ ‘I’m s-sorry. Y-you asked and I just – next time I promise that I’ll answer you properly. Don’t – don’t – I’m sorry,’ William flustered. _I’ve fucked this up already like I always do. Fuck up. Fuck. Up._

‘Hey,’ Gabe giggled. His hand stroked at William’s dark, long hair – eyes melting into William’s face once more. ‘It’s okay. I just need you to be responsive, Bilvy. I don’t ever want to make you uncomfortable – or worse – because of miscommunication. You _have_ to be assertive – you’re the one in control here really; _never_ forget that. You say the word and I will stop everything. I love you and I don’t ever want to hurt you – even if it’s by accident,’ Gabe purred.

William’s heart almost flat lined. Gabe’s eyes portrayed the horror he was experiencing over what he had just admitted. The man’s face bowed until William’s vision was no longer in possession of Gabe’s dreamlike features. There was a lull in everything that had happened that evening; William’s words became lodged in his throat.

‘I – love you too,’ William panted.

When Gabe reattached his gaze; William swore to God that he could just die and go to heaven. He had never seen anyone get set ablaze by his words like Gabe did. ‘Then let me protect you,’ Gabe murmured. He lunged forward in order to eskimo kiss William playfully before releasing William of his body weight.

‘Are we not going to..?’ William pouted.

Gabe chortled. ‘Later. Need to build up your strength first,’ Gabe smirked.

‘Huh?’ William puzzled.

     ‘What do you want for dinner?’ Gabe prompted.

_Oh. Oh – that._ ‘I’m really not feeling hungry,’ William scowled.

Gabe furrowed his eyebrows. ‘You just made me a promise, remember? You can have whatever you want,’ Gabe enthused.

William felt sick even thinking about digesting food. His stomach bloated but he didn’t want to get fat and lose Gabe. He couldn’t cope with that. William inhaled deeply. He hadn’t eaten anything with grease in _months_. He had almost forgotten what cake or pizza tasted like. No carbs had passed his lips in even longer. Bread was the _enemy_. William’s shoulders grew tense at the image of him putting any of that into his body. Gabe stood there expectantly. Even though he hated himself – he really wanted something drenched in fat. He couldn’t remember the last time he had something with dough and cheese – maybe something like pepperoni… One slice. He reckoned that he could manage one slice. He only had to eat in front of Gabe – he could just skip meals tomorrow.

‘Pizza?’

Gabe slowly walked to the back of the sofa, arms wrapping around William’s shoulders – instantly unlocking them. ‘You really don’t have to do that,’ Gabe protested.

‘You just said that I could have anything. Order a goddamn pizza, Saporta,’ William snapped.

Gabe kissed the back of his head slowly. ‘Okay but you just take this one step at a time,’ Gabe sighed.

‘I have no objections.’ That was a _lie_. William had never wanted to oppose anything more. He couldn’t think about food without becoming nauseous, let alone _touching_ it. Eating made him disgusting; it made him feel like he was a _failure_ for not keeping himself in shape. He wasn’t even sure if he would be able to keep anything down. Gabe was going to hold his hand through all of it. Maybe with Gabe’s love – he really could get through this. William wasn’t sure if Gabe would stay with him when he was ugly and fat but he guessed that he had to believe Gabe’s words. Gabe Saporta _loved_ him – he was desperate to believe that. In fact, William had never been more determined to take a leap of faith in his entire life.


	15. Chapter 15

It was Thursday. William had sat through Iero’s class for the past few weeks ignoring his bullshit comments and having less prolonged chats with Gerard because he had less negative feedback to bless him with. William had spent a week forcing himself to eat, although he was powerless to drown out the voices in his head that made him feel disgusting and he couldn’t eat food without nausea gripping his entire being, he actually felt pretty good. Gabe was becoming more affectionate when they were in private and William was becoming less active in his capability to control how his heart fluttered when Gabe’s teeth sucked at his neck or Gabe’s fingers laced through his own.

He hadn’t realised that there was no turning back now. Gabe was the only thing keeping him stable. William was at the dinner table with his cell in his hands; waiting for his mom to place the poison down in front of him. Gabe had marking to catch up on and Ryan was probably off somewhere sucking off Brendon… He didn’t want to talk to anyone else. The last few nights William’s mom had eaten dinner with him and they had chatted about trivial shit like they used to. His mom did not disappoint.

‘Have you had a good day at school, sweetie?’

‘Yeah. It was alright. Nothing really happened. How was work?’

‘Boring as usual. I had to help some people find the psych ward,’ she chirped.

‘Oh yeah?’ William swallowed.

‘Poor people – they looked so worse for wear. Their teenage daughter was omitted there.’ William munched into the pasta his mother had cooked for him just so he didn’t have to speak. ‘She looked so _fragile_ ; her mom was close to tears,’ the woman huffed. She shook her head. ‘Anyway, they found the right way eventually and I went back downstairs. Nothing else to report?’

William’s head whispered to him as he swallowed – _fat_. He tried his upmost to block it out. ‘Not really. L-look mom. I know things have been difficult and I – I don’t want you to think that I’m blocking you out. I really appreciate how you’ve not pushed me into opening up or anything. That’s been super cool of you.’ William saw the women’s reassuring sunshine smile. He suddenly wanted to return to how they used to be; when William could tell her anything. He figured that he owed her that much. ‘ _There is_ one thing,’ William smirked.

‘What’s that, sweetie?’

‘Well… I – err – I may have- kind of have – a boyfriend,’ William squeaked. There was no easy route through this conversation. His muscles tightened as he studied his mom’s reaction.

‘You _what_?!?’ she howled, like an excited teenager sharing secrets.

‘Yeah… He’s really amazing – he’s super supportive and funny. He’s far too intelligent for me,’ William sighed softly, mind trailing over Gabe’s rich eyes and pink lips.

‘So, _that’s_ where you’ve been sneaking off to? Does he have a name? When do I get to meet him?’

 _Here we go…_ ‘Err… Yeah. His name is Gabe… He’s – err – he’s – kind of _older_ ,’ William mumbled, fork stabbing at the pasta in front of him.

‘ _Older?_ How much older?’ the woman interrogated, eyebrows heaving up.

‘Twenty – twenty four,’ William stuttered.

‘Are you – _you know_?’

William’s eyes widened. ‘ _Mom!_ Please -,’ William shrilled. He did not want talk to his mom about what he was doing with Gabe.

‘Billieboo – l don’t think that -,’ the woman sternly reminded him.

‘Actually, I’m almost eighteen and then you don’t get to have a say in shit anymore,’ William snapped back.

The woman exhaled heavily. ‘I don’t want to get into an argument with you about this.’

‘Well, if I was twenty and he was twenty seven – would we even be having this conversation?’

‘Does he – does he make you happy?’ the woman coughed.

William nodded; warmth spreading throughout his entire body. _Does he?_ ‘ _So_ happy, mom. When I’m with him it’s like nothing else matters and I just want time to stand still,’ William breathed.

‘And he’s never – never made you do anything you didn’t want to?’

 _Eat food. Eat food. Eat. Food._ William shook his head. ‘He’s perfect, mom… So – you’re okay with it?’

‘Can I stop you?’ she sighed.

‘No,’ William grinned back.

‘Well then, I don’t have much choice… But if he so much as -,’ the woman snarked.

‘ _Mom!_ He won’t, okay? If he ever did – you’d be the first to know.’

‘Okay then.’ The woman shovelled food into her mouth. They ate the rest of the meal in silence, struggling to find any topic for conversation. William finished as much as he could bare, violent hisses sticking to his throat with each mouthful.

‘I’m going to go to my bedroom now – if that’s alright?’

‘Sure, sweetie.’ the woman beamed.

‘Thanks, mom.’ William pecked her on the cheek as he walked past.

   He loaded up his laptop, laying lazily in bed – stomach bloated and head pounding; sick feeling taking over his entire body. He opened up several tabs; one for YouTube, one for Tumblr, one for Facebook and one for his emails. He clicked on his emails first, expecting nothing new. He was wrong.

_Gabe Saporta: Hey baby. I was thinking that you should pick out some cuffs if you still want us to do that. Just drop me a link and I’ll buy them for you. Love, G. xx_

William smirked to himself. As he was reading the first; a second email entered his inbox.

 _Sorry, babe – I should have included this in the last email. If you’re not sure where to look – here are a few links._ William lingered the curser over the first hyperlink and pressed on it – transporting him to a website devoted to _‘unleashing your inner kinkster’_. William located the handcuffs webpage and scrolled through the thumbnails. He clicked on a pair of steel ones – they looked harsh and intimidating; he imagined them snarling around his wrists - how they’d cut into his skin if he squirmed in them… Then, he thought about Gabe – the guy said no pain and William knew that this only worked if they both respected each other’s boundaries. If he was being honest – he didn’t really desire any more pain than he already had to deal with on a daily basis. He skipped back in search of something softer. He eventually stumbled on cuffs labelled _Satin and lace soft cuffs_. When he investigated further, they were padded on the inside so that they didn’t rub and designed with Velcro in order for the wearer to undo them themselves. William trailed through the rest of the options anyway before returning to that pair of cuffs and attaching the link on an email to Gabe.

 _William Beckett: How about these? I can’t wait to try them on for you. Love you more, Bilvy. Xx_ He continued with the rest of his night – surfing the web, mainly watching ridiculous animal videos until he was tired enough to sleep. He had class with Gabe the next day and he didn’t want to give any allusion to being exhausted because he reckoned Gabe would remember when they saw each other at the weekend. He didn’t want to give Gabe further leverage to be unbearable… William sunk into a sleep where his head was full of all the ways Gabe could give him what he wanted.

   The next day in school, William had coped with the process as well as he did every day. His mom dropped him off and he was timetabled out of first period to have a meeting with Gerard. He didn’t wait for the bell to ring because Gerard never wanted to stop talking and William didn’t want to be late to his second class. He knocked on the door and stumbled in expecting to find Gerard but instead there the man stood. Sometimes he forgot that they had to share an office.

‘Hey there handsome,’ William whispered.

Gabe turned around, shock dominating his face. ‘Hey. What are you-?’ Gabe flustered. His cheeks were burning red. William smirked.

‘Waiting for Gerard. I thought you were him before you know – it wasn’t,’ William explained.

‘He should be here soon. Probably traffic,’ Gabe sighed.

‘Probably. Or maybe he and Lyn are in a cupboard somewhere – it’s a cold morning – need something _hot_ to warm them up,’ William breathed. He licked his lips; eyes wide and solid on Gabe’s profile.

‘Bilvy -,’ Gabe started. He cut himself off, smouldering back at William.

‘Oh, come on. Nobody can see us, baby.’ William saw the light vanish from the man’s eyes. He shivered. William stepped forward until he was standing merely an inch from Gabe; he could see how the man’s chest sharply rose and fell. William closed the distance between them, placing his lips on Gabe’s. Gabe curled into the boy’s body, pressing him up against the filing cabinet to their left. Gabe’s leg nudged against William’s crotch as he kissed him. William forced the man closer – his stomach tied in knots, as the sensation pumped into his veins. Gabe’s thigh rubbed against his cock through his jeans and William moaned into the man’s mouth; hands tearing at the shirt on the man’s back. Suddenly from outside there were voices – Gerard’s and Mikey’s laughing and joking; struggling to finish their conversation. Gabe ruthlessly shattered the boy’s grip. He turned to grab his bags and William rested against the cabinet; relaxing his breathing. Gabe grinned at the boy before placing the smallest of pecks on the teenager’s nose.

‘I’ll see you in class later. At least try to look half presentable,’ Gabe cautioned, readjusting his shirt. He opened the door. William heard Gerard’s voice and then Gabe inform him of William’s presence.    

     Gerard entered the office with a bright upturned lips and William already wished for Gabe to return.

‘Take a seat,’ Gerard invited. William almost couldn’t believe that two minutes ago Gabe had him up against the metal filing cabinet. Nevertheless, William followed Gerard’s direction and stretched his spindly legs out under the table. ‘So, how are you?’ Gerard inquired.

‘I’m okay… How are you?’ William questioned back.

‘Not too bad. Thank you, William. All the better for your much improved progress recently.’ _Blame Gabe – it’s all his doing._ ‘I’m really impressed and I have to admit surprised at this sudden breakthrough. If you carry on like this – I have no doubt that I’ll be assigned to a different student before you graduate.’

‘Damn. Maybe I should start talking back to Iero again,’ William teased. His brown eyes sparkled as he chuckled softly.

Gerard attempted to supress his amusement. ‘Are you smiling?’ Gerard mocked dryly.

William scowled across at him. ‘You’re not funny, Way,’ William croaked.

‘I’m just saying it’s nice to see you a little more motivated. The last thing I wanted was for this to get to a point where I had to get your mother involved. You’re going to proceed like this, aren’t you?’

William shrugged. ‘I’ll try my best, G-man.’

‘Are you sure that you’re alright?’ Gerard frowned. The man was such a perceptive and sensitive motherfucker.

‘Yeah. I’m doing alright, okay?’ William persisted.

Gerard pouted in disbelief. ‘Okay. I’m still not comfortable about your reputation though. Do you know how much shit I hear about you in a day?’ Gerard cussed.

William repeated a shrug. It wasn’t like he had any control over what other people said about him. He had ceased to care about his reputation too long ago. ‘Tell me that it’s not true,’ Gerard insisted.

‘What’s not true?’ William blinked. There were too many rumours for him to keep tabs in every single one.

‘About you – you – having _sexual relations_ with fully grown men,’ Gerard wrinkled his face in repulsion.

‘Don’t sound so fucking _judgemental_ ,’ William barked. ‘I can fuck and get fucked by whoever I goddamn please. Since when was it any of your business anyway?’

Gerard’s whole demeanour irreversibly distorted from positive into authoritative which only made William more defensive.

‘William – _Bilvy_ – I’m supportive of any individual’s sexual decisions – you want to lick chocolate sauce of some dude’s junk, then you do that. But – _with men_ – people old enough to know better. I just can’t bear the thought of them using you like that. You’re too bright to be wasted on people like that and I know that you’re intelligent enough to know that.’

 _No, I’m not._ ‘What if I want to be used? Then, who’s using who?’ William sulked.

‘Do you?’ Gerard snapped.

‘No offence but, you’re not my fucking father. I don’t give a shit what the assholes down the corridor say about me. You can believe whatever you want to believe. If you really think I’m hooking up with a load of perverts that want to _degrade_ me then that’s perfectly fine.’

‘Bilvy – I just want to be here for you,’ Gerard exhaled. ‘We’re practically family.’

‘Don’t worry G-man. I’m not – okay? I’m not fucking any creepy guys. I’m not hooking up with _anyone_.’ _It’s so much worse than that; I’m in love._

‘Fine. I believe you,’ Gerard smiled.

William didn’t believe him. ‘Thanks,’ he satirised.

‘You have Hoppus next and Saporta later.’

‘I know,’ William hissed. _He wasn’t a fucking child._

‘Well, just make sure you keep this rectified behaviour intact, okay?’

‘I will,’ William promised. _As long Gabe is there to support me – I will._

‘Good,’ Gerard sang, with his usual maddening concoction of sunshine and scepticism.

William eventually made it out of the office space feeling completely deflated that Gerard thought so little of him. But, he reasoned, he was just some dirty fag whore jailbait _, so it’s all he was to expect, right?_

   _Ryan: How are you getting on with your project?_

_William: It’s coming together. Yours?_

_Ryan: Better than you and Gabe coming together? :P_

_William: Speakin of which - how is Brendon? ;)_

_Ryan: He’s alright. His parents know that he’s gay and they’re not being shitty about it. They’re fucking Mormon and they’re just dealing with it. When I met them – they seriously looked like they loved him so much._

_William: You’ve met his parents?!?_

_Ryan: Yeah. Last week._

_William: That’s great._

_Ryan: How about you?_

_William: Gabe and I are fine. Amazing. :3_

_Ryan: No, I mean you. How are you?_

_William: I’m alright. Gabe’s been supporting me a lot. I think that he’s really helping._

_Ryan: And there’s nothing that I can do?_

_William: It would be nice to see you more…_

_Ryan: I know. I’m sorry. I miss you too, dude._

_William: I’m no Brendon Urie. Sorry about that._

_Ryan: Fuck, Bilvy. You don’t even know! Brendon is such a –_

‘Boys, can you put your cells away please?’ Gabe demanded sternly.

When they both peered up Gabe was lingering next to their desk. ‘Sorry,’ Ryan simpered. William was hushed by Gabe’s presence. He spent the entirety of Gabe’s classes in the same restricted state – terrified that he would slur something that must remain secret. He was absolutely petrified that he would say or do something completely inappropriate in a school environment. Every lesson he was silent; even when he heard the bitches at the back that always whispered about him – he was silent. He took the opportunity to actually work on his portfolio whilst Ryan chatted bedside him. He did his best to ignore Gabe’s tiny sideway glances and how much he wished that the room was just theirs so that they could touch each other. Gabe’s body looked so fuckable in a formal wear; it was criminal that he was allowed to prance around the classroom radiating such heat. William always exited Gabe’s class too frustrated to think about anything else. It was always lunch straight after – William would always dash home to jerk off, sometimes sending Gabe photos – saying _this is what you do to me; this is what YOU do._ William didn’t go home this time; he decided to stay for lunch. He followed Ryan and Brendon into the food hall. It didn’t matter how many times he went in – the anxiety that assaulted him was never any less fervent. His heart rushed blood all over his body; his muscles whined in protest – the smell of food braced his throat – every time he swore that he was going to puke. Soon after they occupied a table; Patrick and Travie also joined them. William needed something to distract him; he needed the only person that could comfort him in the face of food.

_William: You are so fucking sexy. I want you to pin me up against something hard and hold my wrists. I want you so bad._

Gabe replied instantaneously.

_Gabe: Tomorrow?_

_William: Okay._ William’s skin burnt just picturing it.

****

‘So, do you want to go to the bedroom?’ Gabe prompted. They had been cooped up on the sofa all night. William had settled between Gabe’s legs on the couch in order to makeup. They were both hard by this point. When William pulled back and heard Gabe’s suggestion it was like music to his ears. _Yes - he fucking wanted to go to the bedroom. Yes - he wanted that. He had been yearning for it all night._

‘D-don’t I?’ William enthused.

Gabe chuckled lightly as he eyes danced with William’s. ‘Okay. Lead the way, babe,’ Gabe grinned. William jumped from Gabe’s lap – fingers interlaced as he directed the man into his own bedroom. William still became nervous about Gabe viewing his body but he shrugged out of his skin tight blue jeans and hastily dashed for the bed. His mouth grew dry and his heart raced in his ribcage. The voices had been getting less frequent of late – though his stomach churned uncomfortably and his throat still threatened vomit – it was easier to forget everything when Gabe began to undress. William drank in the man’s body – not _that_ dissimilar from his – square shoulders, slightly toned stomach and a hairline rising up that William did not possess. His skin was almost golden; not William’s vampire brand of pale. William’s eyes roamed over the man’s image – his chest that seesawed between breaths and his protruding collarbones just below the man’s tanned neck that simply begged to be decorated in hickeys. Gabe’s lips faced upwards into a seductive smirk as he eyes sparked into dark chocolate. William blinked back at him, eyes fluttering against how his blood pumped and his stomach spawned butterflies.

‘Like what you see, baby?’ Gabe teased.

‘Yeah. You’re gorgeous,’ William gasped.

Gabe’s smirked impossibly widened as he accompanied William on the bed. ‘It’s not me with the problem,’ Gabe muttered. William caught the man’s eye and swallowed – he was sure his throat was closing up. ‘Are you going to let me see you? You really don’t have to – but I’d be grateful for the sight,’ Gabe murmured, tongue smoothing over William’s neck as he shifted to straddle the boy in only his boxers.

‘Want you to cuff me tonight. ’William whispered. He had been fantasying about it – how it would feel; what it would be like to be at Gabe Saporta’s mercy. The hairs on his arms stood up on end. William took Gabe’s hands in his own, he shuddered a breath as he led Gabe’s hands to the bottom of his t-shirt and felt them both forcing it up his body until Gabe tugged it over his head. William laid back on the mattress – focussing on Gabe’s comforting expression and the reassuring blaze behind the man’s eyes.

‘Are you sure?’ Gabe probed.

‘Completely,’ William nodded back quietly.

‘Alright. Just let me…’ Gabe drifted off. William sensed the weight of the bed change as Gabe moved onto his feet. He sunk to his knees, delving into one of the storage containers beneath his wardrobe. William concentrated on his breathing and not getting too nervous. The voices weren’t there – over the last week things had been unbelievably improved. Of course, he didn’t feel sexy; he still felt self-conscious as fuck but at least he couldn’t hear the pounding of his own head – at least this time he had been spared that much. Gabe returned; placing a pair of handcuffs, lube and a condom beside them on the duvet.

‘Are you going to be a good boy for me?’ Gabe slithered.

William stumbled over oxygen. ‘Yes,’ he managed.

‘So, you’re going to let me tell you that you’re beautiful?’ Gabe sang softly. ‘Because you are, William Beckett.’ The man sat back on William’s hips as he slid his underwear off. William couldn’t look at him but he didn’t protest against it. Gabe moved once more until his lips were lingering in front of William’s. Gabe’s fingers snapped at William’s wrists; he tightened his grip as he kissed the boy. William let the man’s tongue dominate his mouth with sensation when Gabe’s body reclined, he found himself pressing upwards – desperate for the make out to continue. Gabe mercilessly pulled away, he let go of William’s right wrist in order to redirect his grasp to the cuffs.

‘I’m going to put these on you now, okay sweetie? If it’s too tight I want you to tell me.’

He forced William’s arms above his head and William felt the lace lap against his skin. Gabe fastened one cuff onto his left side and then the other on his right. The leather cord wrapped once around the metal slits on the headboard before he connected the cuffs together. William’s arms were heavy from the suspension but it was comfortable and William settled into the soft cotton beneath him, heat radiating from the body above him.

‘Is that okay?’

‘It’s perfect,’ William reassured.

‘What’s your safeword?’ Gabe requested.

‘P-pineapple.’

‘Good,’ Gabe hummed. ‘You’re going to be such a well behaved, pretty thing for me – aren’t you?’

‘Y-yes, sir,’ William breathed.

‘And if you get out of line…’

‘K-keep me – in line,’ William cracked. Gabe’s body was so good above his own, hands gently resting on the boy’s shoulders. He wanted Gabe to bypass all the consensual formalities – he could have whatever he wanted; he needn’t bother asking. Gabe’s tongue swooped down over the boy’s neck again. His lips caressed down the boy’s slender body – his collarbones, his nipples, tonguing his torso; only disconnecting when he reached William’s stomach. Gabe’s fingertips brushed over his bellybutton and he thrust up into the man’s hand.

‘This part of you is stunning, okay? It’s not fat; it’s not disgusting – it’s beautiful.’

William shook his head in disagreement even if he remained silent.

‘Don’t believe me?’ Gabe interrogated more harshly.

His lips pushed roughly against William’s tummy. His tongue assaulted at his skin; until William moaned defencelessly at the contact, cuffs restricting his motions as followed Gabe’s body. William was completely solid. He wanted Gabe to hurry the fuck up. His cock rubbed against his ass cheek and it was unbearable. His whole body was so sensitive when Gabe had him so trapped and vulnerable.

‘Gabe,’ William pleaded. ‘Please.’

Gabe smiled down at the boy – torturous and tempting. ‘What have you learnt from this session?’

William wriggled underneath his body – so pent up. ‘Gabe,’ the boy whined.

‘Say it,’ Gabe whispered.

‘I – I can’t,’ William whimpered.

‘Yes you can. You promised to be a good boy, remember?’ Gabe reminded him softly.

William struggled against himself again. Gabe ducked his head, exhaling breath over the boy’s hipbone before sucking at it – William’s whole body flinched as Gabe’s mouth worked at his sensitive spot.

‘I- I’m b-beautiful,’ William murmured.

Gabe released his pressure on William’s hip. ‘Too damn right you are,’ Gabe smiled back. Gabe moved backwards, pushing William’s legs apart and settling between them. ‘Want me to suck you off, Bilvy? Do you want it so bad?’

‘Please.’

‘You’ve been so good for me, baby. I’m going to treat you so well,’ Gabe groaned darkly. He didn’t linger anymore. His tongue scooped up the pre-come into his mouth. He sucked at William's cock as he fed into his mouth. William couldn’t even breathe as Gabe’s lips tightened around his erection. It honestly felt amazing being so severely exposed. He couldn’t explain it but, he guessed in some fucked up way, he liked making himself nervous. Gabe wrenched back from William’s cock to mouth his testes – he nuzzled into them and the sound that left William’s mouth was pure sex as he heaved at the cuffs, attempting to thrust into Gabe’s mouth. William’s body had never felt better than when Gabe gave him this kind of attention. Gabe reattached his mouth to William’s dick, lips clamping around it. He swayed his head back and forth to create the longed for friction. William couldn’t hold on; he was falling apart.

‘I – I can’t,’ William warned.

‘It’s okay. You’ve been such a good boy tonight,’ Gabe purred. He sucked harder as William came into Gabe’s mouth – moaning and pulling at the restraints.

Gabe finally rested at William’s side and William felt himself breathe as Gabe held his eye contact. Gabe Saporta was the beautiful one; the most gorgeous person he had ever met.

‘How about you untie me and I’ll jerk you off?’ William offered. He wanted Gabe to feel the same – he wanted Gabe to get his share too.

Gabe shook his head. ‘You look tired. You really don’t have to do that,’ Gabe protested.

‘I want to though. I love you,’ William sighed as Gabe settled further into his bare, bony chest.

‘Love you too, babe. At least stop for a little while and then you can have your wicked way with me,’ Gabe chortled.

‘Deal,’ William panted. Gabe held his head to William’s heart – that was where Gabe belonged; next to William’s heart because literally _everything_ was undeniably better with Gabe. Everything.


	16. Chapter 16

A week strode by but they were still in the same places they had been seven days before. Gabe didn’t know what had happened to him; being near William was like drowning in love. Gabe could feel his heart swell every time he heard the boy’s voice crack or caught a glimpse of his Cadbury Bar eyes. Gabe didn’t know how it had come to _this_. He was supposed to be the responsible one. He was supposed to be taking care of William; he wasn’t sure if indulging William’s darker fantasies was helping him. Gabe sighed. The boy was painlessly asleep next to him; chest lazily dropping on every outbreath. There was no doubt now in Gabe’s head – he loved this boy. He would go to any length in order to protect him. He wouldn’t stop until the boy was well and happy. He was getting used to him. His stutter – his admirable determination; his stubbornness – how he always wanted to curl up into Gabe’s body. Gabe sighed to himself as his eyes followed the tight skin on William’s chest. His ribs were far too prominent for Gabe’s liking. _What a mess! What a big mess we’ve got on our hands._ Gabe wished he could shake the boy out of it or kiss him into submission – Gabe’s heart throbbed at the thought that he refused to believe that he was loved. Gabe had never realised what he had put his own parents through all those years ago. His stomach sunk thinking back to it – how his mother had held back tears as they omitted him to the hospital and he was going to be that person with William if he didn’t act proactively. Gabe knew only too keenly that this wasn’t about food at all – it was about William’s self-image. _That’s_ what he had been attempting to remedy. Everything that he ever said to William was a declaration of love – _how did the boy not see that?_ Gabe tried not to get frustrated but it was challenging when William was the person that he loved – Gabe fucking knew that William needed a doctor but even if it was affordable he wouldn’t go. Gabe was starting to lose hope. He wanted to give the boy everything; alas _how could he?_ William wouldn’t even believe Gabe’s words; no matter how much he repeated them. Gabe was growing more anxious every day. He didn’t want to inform William’s mom; he certainly did not have any desire to visit William in a hospital bed – that’s where all this was going. Gabe had been hoping sex would enhance everything – it was one thing to tell William and an entirely different concept to show him; to have the boy _feel_ it. It meant that William must trust him but that would never be enough. Gabe was doing his best with William’s self-esteem. The boy was gorgeous; that much was evident to anyone with sight. He was intelligent and funny. Gabe beheld the dwindling spark in the teenager; all the possibilities that he had open to him – if only he believed it. Gabe’s eyes were heavy. He had promised William that they would use his office because Gerard was unlikely to interrupt them afterschool on a Friday. He had to somehow battle through another excruciating class with William avoiding him completely. All he yearned to do was hold William in his arms forever and make sure without any uncertainty that the boy was happy. The day that William was happy would be the night Gabe slept. He pulled the boy into his arms, cheek pressing warmth against the boy’s neck. He closed his eyes – attempting to forget all their problems; it was too much of a mess now anyway.

****

William had been patient for weeks; ever since he had suggested it – now his legs were driving him forward towards Gabe’s office. He had been in a daze all day – still tired from sleeping over at Gabe’s flat _again_. Most of the students had cleared out and school turned into a derelict building by four. William knew exactly what has happening because they had planned the whole scene out. Gabe had insisted on that. Yet, William’s stomach dropped in anticipation. He didn’t know what it would feel like to be pushed over a desk by Gabe Saporta but he bet it felt pretty damn amazing. He made a sharp turn in the corridor and slowed as he approached Gabe’s office. He halted outside. He didn’t know why – his hands were shaking; nerves were starting to seep into consciousness. Anytime that he had to get naked in front of Gabe – that fear became too real; the anxiety that the man would reject his body – think him ugly or fat. William wanted to ignore it. He knocked on the door three times. Gabe opened the door hastily, already walking back to lean against the edge of his desk by the time that William’s feet fumbled through the threshold.

‘Hey,’ Gabe simpered.

‘Hey,’ William sighed back.

‘Alright?’ Gabe speculated.

William nodded, innocent smile flashing across his face as he moved forward; hands finding Gabe’s jawline. ‘Yeah,’ he breathed. ‘Just – er – just,’ William’s tongue clamped as he searched for the correct words.

‘We don’t have to do this, you know,’ Gabe whispered, threading William’s long russet hair through his fingers.

‘I really want to,’ William protested lightly.

Gabe’s eyes grew darker. He reached up to peck at the boy’s nose and William’s blood pumped to every hidden corner of his body. ‘Hold one sec – whilst I tidy my desk.’

William allowed the man free in order to watch him clear away his laptop and papers. Everything that didn’t threat to be broken was placed on the floor.

‘What’s your safeword?’ Gabe asked, as soon as he had organised the space.

‘Pineapple.’

‘And what’s mine?’

‘M-mango.’

‘Good. Go sit down,’ Gabe invited. He walked from the desk and locked the door as William settled into the manufactured, plastic chair all schools possessed. He imagined how the situation would escalate if Gerard caught them – _thank fuck for locks on doors._ William’s body didn’t shake with nerves anymore. Gabe’s low voice was comforting and William was sedated underneath the man’s audio blanket.

‘Mr Beckett, I think that we both know why you’re here today. Your progression simply isn’t good enough and your behaviour has been appalling.’

‘S-sorry, sir.’

‘I should concur that you are. All those objectives I set you to work towards. Yet, you still can’t say that you’re beautiful and you’re still not eating nearly enough. Are you?’

William sighed. ‘N-no, sir.’

‘It’s just not good enough, Beckett,’ Gabe snapped.

‘I know, Mr Saporta.’

‘So, what are we to do? You need to be taught a lesson,’ Gabe hissed. ‘I think that a spanking is in order.’

‘Sir?’ William gulped. This was what he wanted. To be berated; to be cut down to size.

‘Bend over the desk and take your pants off,’ Gabe demanded.

‘Yes, sir,’ William squeaked. William’s stomach was saturated with butterflies as he stood up and dropped his tight jeans to the floor. He pressed his chest against the wood; eyes roaming up to meet Gabe’s. Gabe’s shade of brown was _melting_ into his pupils. William swallowed and breathed softly. He blinked as Gabe’s hand snaked around the wooden ruler from his pen holder.

‘Keep your head down, okay?’

‘Yes, sir.’

Gabe travelled around the desk until William sensed his prescience behind him. ‘I’m going to slide your underwear down, okay?’

‘Alright, sir,’ William murmured. He stretched his arms out beneath his head until he was comfortable. He felt Gabe’s finger pulling at the material around his hips and then the man’s fingertips brushed over his ass cheek. William resisted the urge to shiver and press his ass against Gabe’s hand. William breathed slowly; feeling everything – how his body was forced against the solid table and his bones ached; how Gabe’s fingertips were trailing over his exposed skin. William still couldn’t quite believe that any of this was happening – his teacher; the most beautiful man he had ever met was spanking him in his office at William’s own order. Gabe Saporta _claimed_ to love him.

‘Every time I strike you – I want you to say something that you haven’t done or that you’re going to try harder at.’

‘Yes, sir,’ William choked. William closed his eyes. He attempted to clear his head. _If Gerard could see you now…_ William smirked a little – he was bent over the man’s desk, with his ass in the air, underwear pulled down and Gerard would be forever oblivious to the fact that he was marking papers on the same desk that William was currently semi-hard on.

‘Here we go,’ Gabe announced sternly. William tensed, anticipating the first blow. He knew it would be exhilarating – he hoped that it hurt. Gabe actually barely made contact – the wood bounced off William’s flesh without much of a sensation at all.

‘Speak,’ Gabe commanded. ‘Don’t make me hit you again.’

William remained silent. Gabe didn’t let up on the gentleness the second time. William simply couldn’t hold back. ‘Harder,’ the boy grunted. ‘I want it harder.’

Gabe’s unoccupied hand had crawled up to the bottom of William’s spine – Gabe’s nails dug into William’s skin and applied pressure slamming the boy further into the table. _Treat me like I’m nothing. This is what I want._ Gabe beat him again – brutally this time and William let out a grateful whimper.

‘I will try look after myself,’ William croaked.

Gabe repeated his motions – whipping the boy callously and William’s hands gripped against his own skin as he attempted to hold back noise. _They were in school._ He loved this feeling inside his non-existent stomach – being filled up with Gabe.

‘Say something,’ Gabe hissed. ‘Say it.’

‘I’ll try to – t-try to accept compliments,’ William whispered.

‘Too damn right you will. You’re fucking gorgeous. Worth every kind word in this world. Your bad behaviour has to desist.’

Gabe brought the ruler towards William’s skin again, the boy bit down into his tongue and resisted when his muscles tensed in pain. He painted the air around them with empty promises that he knew he couldn’t keep – _I’ll try better to change my self-perception, I will eat more, I’ll listen to you…_ By the time Gabe backed away William’s skin was irritable to say the least. William had barely adjusted his clothing and rested against the edge of the table before Gabe was there in front of him, fingers brushing his hair away and hands gently cupping his face.

‘Are you okay?’ Gabe interrogated.

‘Yeah. That was… Good… Great,’ William stuttered.

‘Are you sure?’

‘Yeah,’ William laughed. He leant forward to peck at Gabe’s lips. ‘Thankyou.’

‘Really, really no need to thank me. What are boyfriends for?’ Gabe smirked.

‘I don’t know… Driving you home when you’re tired?’ William hinted. His eyes weighed down his face and his stomach’s dull roar stabbed him with familiarity.

‘You’re just with me for the perks, huh?’ Gabe murmured, flashing the boy a wry smile. His hands trailed down William’s side; lips playing with the skin on William’s neck. ‘We can go to bed immediately.’

‘Is that a promise?’ William giggled.

‘Sure is, baby. Let me just find my car keys,’ Gabe simpered.

   William rested his head against the window the whole drive back to Gabe’s apartment. They held hands as they struggled with the stairs and William lazily rested against the wall as Gabe fumbled for his keys for the door. William didn’t even hesitate when he made it through the threshold of Gabe’s home. His legs were beginning to shake and he needed to lay down. Gabe didn’t follow him or say anything. He silently walked towards the kitchen, kicking his shoes off in the process. William flopped down into the centre of the double bed. He was gratified by the softness of the fabric and how his sense of smell was overcome with Gabe’s scent. He breathed it deep into lungs and hoped not to exhale it as he closed his eyes. The boy was lying on his stomach and could feel the area pulsate with vacancy; he ignored it. His ass stung slightly as it rubbed against the fabric of his clothes. He was too tired to even care if Gabe saw him now. He tugged at his bottoms until they slid down his legs and he shimmied them completely off, leaving them dangling over the edge of the bed. He buried his head into the pillow. He only realised Gabe had entered the bedroom when he heard something being placed on the table to his left. When he turned onto his side and peeped; Gabe was standing there with a massive smirk splayed across his face– William’s eyes wandered to the black tea and white coffee Gabe had obviously been occupied with making.

‘Nice ass,’ Gabe teased.

William lightly chuckled into the pillow. ‘Shut up, Saporta. You wouldn’t be saying that if you were coming inside of it,’ William breathed. He heard the man offer an amused chortle.

‘You look tired. Why don’t you sleep for a while?’ Gabe whispered.

‘Trying to,’ William muttered. Sleep often alluded him. His head was too loud and his body ached too much for him to ever really relax. He settled uneasily against the mattress.

‘Let me help,’ Gabe soothed. William felt the bed dip. ‘Turn onto your side, baby.’

William did. He rolled from his stomach onto his right and stared up to find Gabe kneeling on the foot of the bed. Gabe reached out, placing a hand on the boy’s pale thigh. He slid up William’s body, letting William rest his left leg on the man’s back.

‘Just lay back and try to relax, sweetie,’ Gabe hushed.

William nodded; head falling back into the soft cotton beneath him. Gabe’s mouth nuzzled into William’s testes gently. His tongue poked out and licked at them. William cracked out a whine. He couldn’t help the moans that fell from his lips as Gabe covered every inch of his skin in his saliva. William’s hands gripped at the duvet as Gabe flexed his tongue. William’s muscles softened – he had so little energy to even fight his arousal and he let it seize him as Gabe’s mouth strained around his balls.

‘F-fuck, Gabe,’ William murmured.

Gabe pulled back; blazing brown pupils blinking back at him. ‘Feel better?’

‘Mhhmm,’ William nodded. The man moved out of William’s legs and he shifted back onto his tummy – his ass was grateful for it and that was how he was most comfortable. _Hiding the fat. Hiding my face._

‘Are you allergic to vanilla?’

‘No, why?’

‘You’ll see,’ Gabe chuckled. ‘Well, _feel_.’

Gabe disappeared for a second but William didn’t check this time. He trusted Gabe to come back. He feared moments of silence like these – that was when his paranoia was most likely to awake. _But what if he didn’t come back? What if you can’t trust him? What if he’s lying? What if he doesn’t love you? What if he’s just using you like everyone else? How much can you possibly be worth? Fat. Ugly. Worthless. How can he really love you? YOU?!?_ All these thoughts raced into William’s consciousness; too exhausted to defend himself from them. He hadn’t even realised he was shaking or speaking until Gabe reappeared.

‘Hey, hey – what’s wrong? It’s alright. Sweetie, what is it? You’re shaking. Bilvy - baby,’ Gabe fussed, voice saturated with concern.

‘No. No. No. Make it stop,’ William pleaded.

‘Listen to me, okay? Hear my voice.’ William felt Gabe’s fingertips trailing around the back of knees. ‘I am here, alright? That voice lies. It’s inside your head. I’m real – I love you. I love you William Beckett, never let anyone tell you differently. You’re everything to me. If you don’t believe anything else that I tell you - can you at least make damn sure that you believe that?’ _He doesn’t love you. He’s lying._ William shook his head. ‘Listen to my voice. It’s only in your head. You’re safe, okay? I will never let anything happen to you. You’re safe. Just listen to my voice instead. I know you can do that.’ Gabe broke contact and William heard a cap open. ‘Vanilla lotion – it’s really beneficial for your skin.’ Gabe rubbed it into William’s calves and he attempted to settle again. ‘That’s it – just let go. Imagine your somewhere nice like on a beach and you’re just relaxing – you can hear the tide and nothing else matters.’ William’s body dropped into the mattress. ‘Imagine that there are weights attached to your limbs but you’re powerless to hold them so you’re just going to let them drop,’ Gabe instructed calmly. William’s shoulders rolled back as Gabe’s hands worked up his body. Gabe’s hands burrowed soothing circles into the boy’s thighs then the boy’s sore ass – after that everything morphed into a blur. He thought that he could feel Gabe’s fingers pulling at the edge of his t-shirt in order to ground lotion over his spine and shoulder blades from somewhere outside his perception. He drifted into an uninterrupted sleep; only being disturbed once when he heard what he thought was Gabe dropping a pan in the kitchen.


	17. Chapter 17

‘Look, baby, _I know_ but I haven’t attended any of these staff socials at all since working at the school. I promised Mikey – they are all super excited to go to a gay bar. I have to go with them – a bunch of straight allies walking into a gay bar _without_ any queers – come on, Bilvy – you know as well as I do they’d be eaten alive.’

‘Yeah, yeah. Whatever _._ How about tomorrow then?’ William sighed.

‘I have marking to do, sweetie. Look, how about Friday night I can take you somewhere nice to make up for the fact that I’m being so lousy this weekend?’

‘No. It’s fine – if you’re too busy -,’ William puffed.

‘I’m never too busy for you, okay? It might be better if we just had a weekend apart. You haven’t seen any of your friends in a long time and I haven’t made enough of an effort with my colleagues.’

There was a small silence at the other end of the line. ‘Okay. I guess that you’re right. Don’t go meeting any cute guys though, okay?’ William chirped. Gabe could hear the insecurity beneath William’s words although he had uttered the remark in jest.

‘Baby, none of them compare to you. I love you. You have nothing to worry about.’

‘I – I love you too.’

‘Are you going to be okay at home?’

‘Yeah… D-don’t worry about me. You’re right. Go out. Drink. Have a lovely time,’ William laughed.

‘I’ll call you later, if you want?’ Gabe hushed.

‘That would be nice,’ William agreed.

‘Baby, I have to go. Mikey will be here any minute.’

‘O-k-kay. I love you.’

‘Love you too,’ Gabe chuckled. ‘Go find Ryan or something.’

‘Talk soon.’

Gabe heard the line cut off. He couldn’t help the guilt that washed over him, leaving William alone for the weekend after they hadn’t been separated in weeks… Gabe rolled his eyes at himself. _He’ll be fine. He should be able to spend time without you._ He ventured towards the mirror in his bathroom, checking his appearance – his hair was perfectly placed, his jeans clung tightly to his legs and the top buttons on his shirt were left undone revealing his collar bone. He slid into his leather jacket. His cell buzzed again.

‘Hey, I’m outside,’ Mikey sang.

‘Okay. Give me five seconds,’ Gabe called back.

‘Take your time, dude,’ Mikey shrugged down the line.

Gabe hung up, stuffing his cell into his pocket and routing around for his keys and wallet. He glided down the stairs and out of the building into the early night air. Mikey was standing patiently, leaning up against his car.

‘Not taking a taxi?’ Gabe questioned.

‘Nah, bro. I don’t drink so it’s totally cool,’ Mikey smiled.

‘Oh,’ Gabe swallowed. He didn’t ask any further questions but Mikey continued to explain after they were both secured into the car.

‘I was addicted to it. A long time ago but I’ve not touched a drop since. I don’t think that I’m ever going to be able to drink again. Ever.’

Gabe gave Mikey a sympathetic lopsided smile. ‘I used to anorexic,’ he coughed.

‘What?’ Mikey spluttered, breaking too hard at a red light.

‘Yeah… I was anorexic. That’s why it’s taken me until now to get a full time job – I started college late because I was in hospital.’

‘Woah, bro. That’s rough,’ Mikey frowned.

‘About as rough as being an alcoholic,’ Gabe smirked. ‘I only mentioned it to say that I could relate.’

Mikey nodded. ‘Thanks, dude. Gee has so much shit as well… I guess that everyone has something, right?’ Mikey huffed.

‘Not bringing your girlfriend along tonight?’ Gabe asked, in an attempt to alter the depressing theme they were getting stuck on.

‘Girlfriend… No, dude,’ Mikey sniggered. ‘Man is born alone. This man is going to die alone.’

‘Aw, come on. You’re cute. Girls should be throwing themselves at you.’

‘Yeah… Because a guy that teaches teenagers and lives with his brother is such a catch.’

‘No but a guy that’s funny, kind, intelligent with brooding dark features and cheekbones is,’ Gabe winked.

‘Saporta, how much have you been checking me out?!?’ Mikey howled.

Gabe audibly cackled. ‘I’m just saying you’re definitely not the reason that you’re single, okay?’

‘Whatever, perv,’ Mikey giggled. The song on the radio changed and Mikey’s face lit up with enthusiasm. ‘I love this song!!’

_I still miss you. I hope that you’re okay. I still miss you. My heart broke when you walked away._

‘It’s alright,’ Gabe shrugged.

_That was Andy and the black nights. They are playing in Chicago today and tomorrow for anyone that hasn’t already purchased tickets – there’s still time._

‘Wow. Damn. That would have been really cool,’ Mikey sighed.

‘It’s probably full up with kids anyway.’

‘That’s true,’ Mikey scoffed. He pulled around into a parking lot. ‘We’re here.’

Gabe spotted Gerard and Lyn holding hands outside the restaurant they were all going to eat at before hitting the clubs. Then Ray, Frank, Victoria and Taylor next to them.

Gabe breathed slowly. He was starting to forget what life was like outside of William Beckett. This was what they needed. A few days apart.

   The club was busy, uncomfortably so. People buzzed everywhere. Gabe hadn’t been clubbing in a very long time. He had forgotten the crowds of already drunk people that are assessed by the bouncers as everyone piled into the building. It was dark and sweaty. Far too many bitchy gay guys. Gerard fit in so well which was to everyone’s amusement except Lyn’s. They had all gathered around a booth, talking - getting wasted; even dancing every now and then.

‘How about that guy?’ Mikey smirked. Gabe was looking down at his cell.

_Gabe: How’s your night going?_

_William: Fine. Don’t worry about me. Have fun._

_Gabe: -_

‘Hey Saporta! I’m talking to you,’ Mikey hollered. He snatched Gabe’s cell from the man’s hands and placed it down on the bar where they had situated themselves, away from the others.

‘Mikey! I’m not interested in any guys, okay?’

‘Come on. This guy that you told us about can’t be _that_ great. He’s not even here. What dude lets their boyfriend go to a gay bar alone? What boyfriend doesn’t want to go dancing?’

‘I’m hardly alone,’ Gabe scoffed.

‘Seriously though – that guy… Oh my God. He’s walking over.’

Gabe peered up for the first time. _Oh shit._ A tall, skinny androgynous figure with long black hair moved in his direction.

‘Saporta! I thought that it was you! I was trying to convince myself that it wasn’t. It’s been such a long time,’ Andy simpered, wrapping his arms around Gabe’s shoulders.

‘Andy – hey. I – I can’t believe you’re here. What are you doing in Chicago?’

‘Working,’ Andy shrugged.

_What a dumb question._ Gabe instantly remembered hearing about it on the radio only hours previously.

‘Going to introduce me to your cute friend?’ Andy smirked.

Mikey laughed. ‘Hey – I’m Mikey – Do I know y- shit. Wait. Shit. You’re – oh shit,’ Mikey gasped.

Andy blushed and dipped in his stance. ‘Hey. Looks like you caught me, dude.’

‘Gabe – you never said that – I can’t believe you’re – Oh my – you have to stay right here. I’m going to find Gee. He’s going to _freak out._ Gabe make sure he stays, okay?!?’ Mikey leapt up and disappeared into the mass of bodies and flashing lights.

‘You must be used to that by now,’ Gabe chuckled softly.

‘There are some things that a person will never get used to,’ Andy sighed. He perched awkwardly on one of the barstools.

‘My old friend, Andy, the big rock star.’

‘My _ex-boyfriend_ , Gabe, the high school teacher,’ Andy chortled back.

‘One’s way more impressive than the other.’

‘That’s true... How do you put up with kids all day?’ Andy smiled.

Gabe leant forward, placing a finger on the man’s neck brushing over his tattoo. ‘You’re so thin. Are you looking after yourself?’

Andy simpered brightly – light shone out of him. ‘Let me buy you a drink, sport. I owe you.’

‘Okay, but you don’t owe me anything. You could never afford to buy me drinks before,’ Gabe protested.

‘Your friend was cute. Not your boyfriend?’

Gabe audibly choked. ‘Mikey. No. He’s straight.’

‘Shame. So _you do_ have a boyfriend then?’ Andy questioned. His eyes dipped as Gabe tried to find the words to tell him.

‘Yeah. In fact, I think that I’ve found the one.’

‘Really? That’s great,’ Andy enthused.

‘How about you? Do you have some nice boy looking after you? I couldn’t bear to think of you going around the world on your own.’

Andy ordered drinks from the barman. He seized his drink in one gulp. Gabe watched in aghast as he ordered another. ‘No – not really. There’s this guy but it’s not really love,’ Andy sighed. ‘He’s a recovering addict and I think that he’s just using me as a substitute. He’s a good guy, really. I’m trying to help him as much as I can.’

Gabe caught the man’s eye. Andy’s expression bubbled. ‘You’ll find someone better,’ Gabe nodded. ‘Always trying to save people, huh?’

‘That’s ironic coming from you,’ Andy scoffed. ‘The reason we failed is because we both try to save people. That’s just who we are,’ Andy shrugged.

Andy shook his head. ‘Come on, sport. I know that you’re being nice – of course you are; you’re you – but we both know there’s still only you,’ Andy sniffed, eyes growing increasingly cloudy.

Gabe took in breath and opened his mouth to speak but he was interrupted by Gerard and Mikey.

‘See! Look. It’s actually him, Gee. Gabe fucking knows him and didn’t tell anyone,’ Mikey buzzed.

‘Hey,’ Andy smiled. ‘It’s lovely to meet both of you.’

‘I – I can’t believe – I love your band, bro,’ Gerard sang excitedly.

‘Thanks. It means a lot. Do you want a photo or an autograph or something?’ Andy offered, automatically switching back into famous mode.

‘Yeah, that would be amazing,’ Gerard nodded. He reached for his Iphone and Gabe couldn’t help but feel slightly embarrassed by this whole affair. After all, Andy Biersack wasn’t some huge rockstar to him – he was the same man he had fallen in love with after leaving hospital; the person that had made him realise how much of life he had been missing out on and how much life there still was left waiting for him. ‘Thanks dude,’ Gerard chirped. When the brothers had walked back over to the booth with the rest of the teachers; the men were plunged into silence.

‘I think that I should probably leave. More people are going to recognise me and I only wanted a quiet night. It was good to see you, sport,’ Andy mumbled.

‘Don’t go,’ Gabe snapped. ‘Come back with me. We can get a taxi back to my place and stay up talking like we used to. I haven’t seen you in so long.’

‘Are you – are you sure?’

‘We’re still friends, aren’t we?’

‘Sure,’ Andy agreed.

‘You can crash at my place tonight,’ Gabe offered.

‘Okay,’ Andy coughed.

‘Meet me outside?’

Andy’s lips curved upwards as he strode towards the exit. Gabe pushed past blurred faces that faded into the darkness until he found the others.

‘No, dude – I’m telling you that I’m married. This is my wife,’ Gerard slurred holding up his and Lyn’s linked hands.

‘Sure, sweetie. Wasn’t Elton also married? Doesn’t mean you’re not gay and I don’t mind if you don’t,’ the man tutted. Gabe held back from laughter because this guy was queerer than Gerard which was something he never thought he’d witness– even in a gay club.

‘Hey,’ Gabe whispered to Mikey.

‘Hey. Andy – fucking _Andy Biersack_ – gone?’

‘No… We’re going back to mine. Have a great night. Don’t lead any guys on,’ Gabe teased.

‘I could say the same to you, Saporta,’ Mikey retorted in laughter.

  _William – 2 missed calls._

_William: Gabe, I need you._

_William: Baby, please. Pick up. I really need you right now._

_William: Please. Please. Please. I don’t know what else to do._

Gabe’s stomach dropped and his pulse raced. His breathing hastened in worry. He listened to the rings on the line and hoped to God that William picked up.

‘Hey,’ William murmured after an eternity rings.

‘What happened? Are you okay?’ Gabe interrogated.

‘Yeah. Sorry about that. I – I overreacted earlier. Did you have a good night? It’s a little early for you to be home, old man,’ William giggled.

Gabe felt his entire body drop with relief. _William was safe._ ‘What happened?’

‘Nothing. I just overreacted. It’s fine, _okay?_ How come you’re back so early?’ William repeated.

Gabe pressed the phone to his ear and used his other hand to unbutton his shirt. Andy was waiting in the kitchen and he could hear the faint sounds of the television from down the corridor.

‘No real reason. Turns out one of my old friends was at this club. He’s here now; we decided to ditch,’ Gabe shrugged.

‘ _He? You found him in the gay bar, right?’_ William gulped.

‘Bilvy, you have nothing to worry about. I’m too hopelessly in love with you to even look at another man.’

Gabe heard silence on the other end of the line but the disbelief and cynicism spoke volumes.

‘I mean it. It’s you that I love; it’s you – only you.’

‘I love you too… It’s pretty late,’ William yawned. ‘I’m going to bed now. Love you,’ William whispered.

‘Night, sweetie. I love you too.’

Gabe threw his cell onto the bed and changed into sweats. He entered his living room to find Andy laying over the couch, having shed his black leather jacket to reveal the vest that was occupying his skin. Gabe couldn’t help noticing the man’s long, pale arms and how his vest dipped to reveal his prominent collarbone. _Andy hadn’t changed at all._

‘Want anything?’ Gabe asked.

‘Beer,’ they both chimed at the same time. Andy laughed. ‘I still remember,’ Gabe grinned.

‘I can’t believe I’m here. This is where you live now.’

‘I can’t believe that you’re _famous_.’

Andy smiled sadly. He swung his legs to the floor in order to allow Gabe to sit down next to him. Gabe handed him a beer and placed his glass of fruit juice on a coaster situated on the coffee table.

‘Look – what I said before -,’ Andy huffed.

‘It’s okay,’ Gabe reassured.

‘I really missed you.’

‘I’ve missed you too,’ Gabe sighed.

Andy lunged forward before Gabe could properly resist him. His mouth pushed against Gabe’s but Gabe simply hardened and shut his lips together iron tight resisting the kiss. Andy wrenched himself away at once; when Gabe peered up at him, the man had tears in his eyes.

‘ _Oh God._ That was a mistake. Shit. Shit. Shit. I’m so _so_ sorry. I – just – I wasn’t planning on seeing you and now I have – I’ve been around the whole world and not found anyone I love more than you.’ Andy bent forward, running his fingers through his hair and rubbing his hands over his face. ‘I’m a wreck – I should – I should leave you alone. I’m so fucking sorry, Gabe,’ Andy wept.

‘Hey. No! _No_. Come here,’ Gabe soothed and he extended an arm around Andy’s shoulder. ‘You’ve fallen in love – that’s not a crime. People in love do all sorts of stupid things. Here.’ Gabe laid down behind Andy; Andy followed Gabe’s instruction, lying down next him on his side. Gabe hooked his head over the man’s shoulder. ‘You can tell me all about your expiates around the world later. Let’s just rest now.’

‘I’m doing a show later. I’d really like it if you came,’ Andy sniffed.

‘We can talk later,’ Gabe hushed. He pulled the man in closer, grabbing at the skinny jeans around his hips.

‘I’ve missed you so much.’

‘This is only platonic.’

‘I know,’ Andy squeaked.

‘Goodnight, my fallen angel.’

‘Night, sport.’

Andy’s entire body softened into Gabe’s embrace. Although Gabe was holding someone else – all his thoughts were invaded by William. _How different Andy felt; how different his hair was against Gabe’s skin; how wrong it all felt._ He sunk into a heavy dream that was dominated by William. Gabe knew that William was his _one_. Andy Biersack had taught him how to love again but now his lips tasted like William. _Everything_ tasted like William.

****

William couldn’t remember the last time he was truly alone. He had fallen asleep to kill time and now he rested on his bed with his shoulder blades cracking against the wall. He stared into space; ignorant of what to do with himself. He attempted to fight the fear that was creeping over him. He must cope on his own. He must be prepared to live _without_ Gabe. He kept saying it to himself; _I’m okay. You’re okay on your own._ Alas, it was futile. His heart pumped and his head rushed. He felt the anxiety that was so familiar to him taking over. _There’s a reason that you’re on your own right now. It’s because nobody loves you enough to spend time with you. It’s because you’re disgusting. Better off alone._ He needed Gabe. He needed Gabe. He reached for his cell and listened to the line ring out. He attempted to call him again. Then, when that failed William typed out desperate pleas to the man that he loved. _Save me. I need you to save me._

_William: Gabe, I need you._

_William: Baby, please. Pick up. I really need you right now._

_William: Please. Please. Please. I don’t know what else to do._

William pulled his knees up into his chest and hugged his legs. He was losing it. He was losing it. _It’s okay. Gabe would be disappointed if he knew how you were reacting. Pull yourself together. It’s alright._ William breathed in and out – through the nerves; through his thoughts. _Fat. Ugly. This is what you deserve. This is what you are. Gabe lied to you. You’re this – nothing more._ William swallowed; attempting to shut down his head. His cell was lying there next to him.

_‘Go find Ryan or something,’_ Gabe’s voice echoed. William reached for his phone again; listening to the line’s rhythmic chime.

‘Hey, Bilvy,’ Ryan beamed.

‘H-hey,’ William sighed.

‘Are you okay? You sound - mmm,’ Ryan asked, before flinching at something William couldn’t see.

‘Yeah. I’m okay. Thought we could-,’ William suggested.

‘ _Fuck._ Brendon!’ Ryan screamed. ‘Give me one second, Bilvy,’ Ryan chirped.

William could still hear and he listened in amusement as Ryan chastised his boyfriend.

‘Will you stop being such an asshole? I’m on the phone. I’ll still be able to get you hard when I’ve finished this conversation so seriously stop being such a jerk.’

‘It’s not my fault you’re so easy,’ Brendon chuckled.

‘We’ll see who’s easy,’ Ryan pouted. William imagined Ryan’s bitch face was getting a brilliant outing about now but Brendon simply let out another chuckle.

‘Hey, sorry about that,’ Ryan continued. ‘Brendon is an asshole,’ he hollered louder, obviously in Brendon’s direction. ‘What’s up?’

‘I – I thought we could hang out but if you’re busy-,’ William muttered.

‘No. It’s cool. We’ll come,’ Ryan laughed.

‘Well, at least one of us will,’ William heard Brendon remark.

‘Shut up,’ Ryan snapped back. ‘Later, we’ll come over – that way you don’t have to move,’ Ryan twittered.

‘T-thanks,’ William exhaled.

‘Just sit tight until then, okay?’ Ryan whispered, quieter. William smiled that Ryan instinctively knew things weren’t okay and that’s why he had rang. ‘We’ll be there as soon as we can.’

‘I’ll – see you soon then.’

‘Catch you later.’

Ryan waited for William to hang up first. William didn’t know how long they’d be but he guessed that they had to finish whatever it was they had started before William interrupted them. William didn’t realise how challenging it was to be alone. His mind played tricks on him. _Alone. Forgotten. Where you belong. You’re lucky anyone even looks at you; you’re nothing at all. Fat. Fat. Fat. Ugly._ William closed his eyes shut tight and thought about what Gabe would say if he was here. _But he’s not here. He’s left you._ No. No. No. William shook away the thoughts. He just needed to find something else to distract him. He reached to the floor and dumped his laptop on his bed. The internet was a great distraction; it had everything.

   ‘Billieboo,’ his mother called. ‘Your friends are here for you.’

William raced down the stairs to find Ryan and Brendon standing there. ‘ _Billieboo_ ,’ Ryan smirked.

‘Shut the fuck up,’ William groaned with a dry smile.

They disappeared into William’s room; all lying on the bed. William had ended up in the middle which was probably the best and worst place to be. Ryan sat up and Brendon did the same; they kissed over the top of him. _Yeah. Definitely the worst place to be._

‘This isn’t some gay porno, you know. One of you isn’t about to reach down and kiss me,’ William snarked.

Ryan cackled when he pulled back. ‘Aw, come on – Bilvy; you’d love to have a threesome with us. Don’t deny it.’

‘Yeah, sure. You think that,’ William scepticised.

Brendon giggled. ‘No, but I bet you’re ticklish as fuck,’ Brendon beamed. Ryan and Brendon glanced across at each other with large smirks on their faces and then down at William.

‘No… No,’ William feigned.

Both teenagers caught William’s hips and brushed their fingers up over his slender stomach until William was writhing in fits of laughter. ‘See – Bilvy. We can make you feel good,’ Brendon simpered.

‘I hate both of you,’ William groaned between largely guffawing.

It was another couple of minutes before the boys ceased their torture. All three of them reclined back against the mattress. ‘I think we should watch a movie – what DVDs do you have?’ Brendon queried.

‘Cabinet under my television,’ William panted back, still recovering breath.

‘You have _Frozen_ on blu ray,’ Brendon sang excitedly.

‘You are such a fucking child,’ Ryan pouted.

William’s cell buzzed on the side and William grabbed it. ‘You guys choose something – I’m going to take this.’ William strode out of his bedroom and nested on the floor of the upstairs corridor.

‘Hey,’ William buzzed.

‘What happened? Are you okay?’ Gabe demanded.

‘Yeah. Sorry about that,’ William exhaled. ‘I – I overreacted earlier. Did you have a good night? It’s a little early for you to be home, old man,’ William giggled.

‘What happened?’ Gabe asked, at length.

_I’m not telling you. You don’t need to waste your time worrying about me. I don’t deserve you anyway._ ‘Nothing. I just overreacted. It’s fine, _okay?_ How come you’re back so early?’ William repeated.

‘No real reason. Turns out one of my old friends was at this club. He’s here now; we decided to ditch,’ Gabe shrugged.

‘ _He? You found him in the gay bar, right?’_ William spluttered. _Oh no. Oh no. What if he’s more attractive than you? What if Gabe’s drunk? What if he – what if Gabe doesn’t love you after all? What if things happen and he realises how shit you are? What then?_

‘Bilvy, you have nothing to worry about. I’m too hopelessly in love with you to even look at another man.’

William remained silent as the disbelief of Gabe’s words penetrated his mind from the voices in his head.

‘I mean it. It’s you that I love; it’s you – _only you_.’

‘I love you too… It’s pretty late,’ William yawned. ‘I’m going to bed now. Love you,’ William whispered.

‘Night, sweetie. I love you too.’

William spent the rest of the night in Ryan and Brendon’s company – scared that Gabe didn’t love him enough and trying desperately to trust him. But he couldn’t. Even when they’d finished watching movies – Ryan and Brendon had fallen asleep on each other; William still lay awake in the darkness. He loved Gabe so much that he simply couldn’t lose him. It’d be more painful than breaking his heart; it’d break his soul.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say a MASSIVE thankyou to trading_mistakes on here/punkrockcupcake on tumblr. She is amazing. I love her so much. Everyone should read her fics and go follow her.
> 
> She pretty much edits this work so thankyou. All the love because you deserve it. <3

Gabe woke up to the sound of Andy singing and the smell of bacon. His head pounded from the alcohol he consumed from the night before – he was such a lightweight nowadays. He rubbed his eyes.

‘Hey, sport. I hope that you’re hungry,’ Andy grinned.

‘Not really. I didn’t even drink that much last night,’ Gabe croaked. His eyes stung and his body ached. Andy’s booming laugh rang in his ears as he blinked the daylight into focus. ‘What time is it?’

‘About 11. I’ll have to leave soon. People will be wondering where I am,’ Andy huffed.

Gabe stretched his lips into lopsided smile. ‘People wonder where you are now?’ Gabe scoffed. Then the realisation set in. ‘You’re Andy fucking Biersack.’

‘I’m hungry,’ Andy smiled. His smile really was breath-taking. Andy was beautiful. He flipped bacon and fried eggs into bread. ‘Here,’ the rockstar offered, handing Gabe a plate.

Gabe eagerly received it. ‘Thanks. I always said that you should have been a chef,’ Gabe chuckled.

‘There’s still time to live a thousand dreams,’ Andy replied.

‘That’s nice. You should write that into a song.’

‘Maybe I will,’ Andy purred. There was a small silence until Andy spoke again, resting against the counter in the kitchen and neglecting his breakfast as Gabe chewed on the sofa. ‘Will you come to the show tonight? I hardly ever ask for any VIPs so they owe me. It’s literally no trouble to get you on a list. I’ll make sure they let you in. You – you can bring your boyfriend; if you want?’

‘Bilvy? He’d love to go. He loves your band.’

‘What about you?’ Andy questioned.

‘I – I haven’t really mentioned that I know you. I didn’t know how to bring it up – it never felt right… ‘Hey… You know this band you all love… Well, I’ve seen the lead singer orgasm,’’ Gabe sighed.

Andy didn’t smirk. Instead, his face grew weary and he turned to grab his food. Gabe wanted to apologise. He wanted to retract resurrecting the memory but he couldn’t. ‘I’d be honoured to go as your VIP,’ Gabe coughed.

Andy turned back, munching on his breakfast. ‘Really?’

‘Sure. Bilvy will love it.’

Andy’s face bled out a weak smile but it was too unconvincing. Gabe could behold the desperation and pain underneath Andy’s expression. ‘I really have to get going after I’ve eaten this. Promise that you’ll come later?’

‘I promise,’ Gabe nodded. He returned Andy’s smile with unease. Andy needed to move on. He deserved to find someone that loved him back.

    It wasn’t long after that Andy was gone. Gabe wondered if they should really be attending anything like that together. Who knows how many kids from the area were going to that gig? Who knows how at risk they were at being caught together? Did he really want William meeting Andy when Andy was still ridiculously devoted to him? Gabe had promised now. He guessed that didn’t have much of a choice. They would just have to keep a low profile. He seized his cell to inform Bilvy of the good news.

 He listened to the dial from where he splayed himself out across the sofa.

‘Hello?’ William questioned, with the same uncertain expression that characterised his personality.

‘Hey, sexy. Want to hear some great news?’ Gabe smirked.

‘Oh, hey,’ William chimed. ‘Sure. What is it? You found a different job and we don’t have to hide anymore?’

‘Not quite that good,’ Gabe chuckled lightly. ‘You know Andy Biersack?’

‘The singer that I love – yes,’ William enthused.

‘Did you know that he’s in Chicago tonight?’ Gabe smiled.

‘Oh my God. You have tickets!’ William almost screamed down the phone.

‘Maybe. I actually have a surprise for you.’

‘A surprise? No way! What is it?’ William demanded.

‘Well, if I told you – it wouldn’t be a surprise, would it?’ Gabe laughed. I’ll drop by later and get you. About 7?’

‘O-okay. Are you alright?’

‘Yeah. I’m fine. Are you, sweetie?’

‘Y-yeah. Ryan and Brendon fell asleep at my house last night and they left not so long ago. How’s your friend?’

‘He’s gone too,’ Gabe sighed. For now.

‘Did you have a good night last night?’ William asked. His voice sounded too calm for Gabe’s liking.

‘Yeah. It was alright.’ Gabe thought back to the kiss and how Andy had held back tears as he poured his heart out in front of Gabe. It had been a fucking disaster.

‘Really? Do anything fun?’ William continued.

‘Not really. We just chilled. I was a little drunk. You should have seen guys throwing themselves at Gerard,’ Gabe laughed. There was a small silence on William’s part. ‘So, what are you doing today?’

‘Nothing much,’ William shrugged. ‘How about you?’

‘I’m going to do some marking. Are you sure that you’re alright?’

‘Yeah. I’m okay. Look, you do love me – don’t you?’

Gabe gravely grimaced. Surely he knew. ‘Bilvy, if I loved you any more I wouldn’t be able to function. I love you so much, okay? One day soon, I’m going to get a different job and once you graduate – we can start our life together properly. You need to get better first though.’

‘O-okay. Do you promise?’ William stuttered.

‘Yes. What’s happened?’ Gabe interrogated.

‘Nothing. Nothing has happened. I just – I just needed to hear you say it,’ William swallowed.

‘We can talk about this later- if you want?’

‘N-no. It’s alright. Everything’s alright,’ William smiled.

‘Are you sure? You’re worrying me,’ Gabe sighed.

‘S-sorry. 7, right?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Cool.’

There was a lull in their conversation. ‘If you’re alright then I’ll talk to you later?’

‘Sure,’ William nodded. ‘Love you,’ William added.

‘Love you too, beautiful. Talk soon.’

    Gabe spent the rest of that day with papers strewed all over the coffee table; the television drowning out noise in the background just so that his attention wasn’t brought to the fact that he was completely alone. The alarm that he had set on his phone at six rang out against the noise of the television. Gabe pottered about his apartment; piling all the papers onto the side and grabbing some food before getting changed. He fiddled with his hair in the mirror; caring about his appearance was deep rooted inside of him. It was half past six by the time he gazed towards the clock in his bedroom. He cussed under his breath because he still wasn’t completely ready but who knows what the traffic would be like? He quickly finished up on his hair, leaving the dirty plates for another time and grabbed his car keys as his slid on his shoes. The car exhaust snarled into life as Gabe pulled out onto the busy Chicagoan roads. He had been right. The roads were gridlocked and he pulled up outside William’s drive at ten minutes past seven. William immediately opened the front door and rushed inside the car.

‘I thought maybe you weren’t coming,’ William panted.

‘No, don’t be ridiculous. I just had to make it through the traffic,’ Gabe smiled.

‘Oh... Are you really taking me to that concert tonight?’ William probed. He blinked up at Gabe in a puppy dog mannerism that forced his heart to leap.

‘We sure are,’ Gabe sang. Gabe set the car into drive and started towards the venue that he had Googled before picking William up.  ‘So, tell me – what have you done today?’

‘Nothing really… Watched tv… Tried to skip doing classwork,’ William shrugged. Gabe lips tugged up at the edges. Still a typical teenager. ‘How about you?’ William inquired.

‘I had marking to finish. Did you have a good time with Ryan and Brendon last night?’

‘Yeah. It was pretty nice actually,’ William smiled. ‘They tried to drag me into a threesome.’

Gabe sniggered at the boy’s teasing. ‘I told them I’d need your permission,’ William smirked.

‘Permission?’ Gabe gulped. ‘I don’t own you,’ Gabe grimaced.

‘I – I know. That – that wasn’t what I meant,’ William stammered. When Gabe peered over, taking his eye off the road for a split second; the boy’s eyes were beaming down into his hands and his face was burning.

‘It’s okay,’ Gabe replied delicately. ‘Are you feeling super sensitive today?’

‘What? No!’ William hissed in defence.

‘I’m not attacking you, Bilvy. I’m asking you if you’re okay?’ Gabe corrected calmly. He was starting to get actually worried about William’s behaviour. He thought they had been making some progress but William was more insecure than ever.

‘Last night – what – what actual happened?’ William sulked.

‘What do you mean? My friend crashed on my couch, baby,’ Gabe coughed. He couldn’t know that Andy kissed him. How could he know that?

‘And nothing else happened?’ William muttered under his breath.

‘Bilvy, don’t you trust me?’ Gabe mouthed back. His eyes flickered to William once more to be met with him staring out of the window, body scrunched up against the door. His gut clenched because he knew the answer before he even had one.

‘You didn’t answer the question,’ William breathed.

‘Well, neither did you,’ Gabe snapped. He didn’t want to fight. Not tonight. Tonight was going to be romantic. ‘Do you really think that I’d cheat on you? Is that what you think?’

‘N-no,’ William sighed. ‘I just -,’ William huffed. He exhaled from deep inside his lungs. Gabe didn’t know what to say after that.

‘Did you eat before you left the house? Have you eaten at all today?’ Gabe demanded.

‘What has that got to do with anything?’ William barked.

‘Bilvy, you get mood swings when you’re hungry,’ Gabe croaked. Stay cool. You’re losing it. Arguing won’t help. ‘Just tell me the truth, Bilvy. Have you eaten today?’

‘Yes. I have eaten today, okay? I sat with my mom talking bullshit and put about 500 calories into my body,’ William hollered.

Gabe gulped. He turned into the car lot for this small theatre that the show was at and people were already in line outside. Gabe’s eyes traced over William’s beautiful face when he had pulled up into a parking space.

‘Bilvy,’ Gabe hushed. His fingertips stretched out; swiping along the boy’s jaw. William didn’t react. ‘Baby, face me – please,’ Gabe reasoned. William turned slowly. Eyes unable to settle on Gabe’s face. Gabe’s heart splintered a little at how broken William was when you unravelled him. ‘We can get through this together, but you have to trust me,’ Gabe whispered.

‘I know. I’m sorry. I just can’t stop thinking that I’m not good enough for you; that you’re going to -,’ William sniffed.

Gabe leant across and this time William met him. Gabe pressed his forehead against William’s, feeling the boy shudder and wheeze out a breath. ‘I’m in love with you, William Beckett,’ Gabe purred. His hands clutched at William’s jaw as he opened his eyes to find William staring – his pupils burrowing right down into his soul. Gabe’s heart fluttered. He was so in love; more in love than he even could begin to imagine. He would heal William Beckett if it was the last and only thing he ever did. He wouldn’t rest until William was safe.

  ‘Let’s get out. Tonight’s going to be amazing, I promise you.’

William nodded. William clenched his hands into Gabe’s as they wandered over to the venue and Gabe smiled; squeezing his hand back as they shared body heat.

****

William was feeling awful. It wasn’t really Gabe’s fault. He was just feeling so paper thin and somehow not thin enough. He clawed onto Gabe’s hand as they stood at the door – kind of confused that they weren’t joining the line like everybody else.

The woman at the door gave Gabe the once over and asked him for his name.

‘Gabe Saporta,’ Gabe chimed.

The woman pursed her lips and her eyes flickered to the clipboard in front of her. ‘Saporta… There we go,’ she clicked her tongue. She passed him two VIP passes to wear around their necks. ‘Sorry, Mr. Saporta, go ahead,’ she smiled.

Gabe dragged William into the foyer. ‘How – how come you’re on a list?’ William puzzled.

‘That’s part of the surprise,’ Gabe smirked.

William didn’t know what was happening. Surprises made him more anxious than excited and he really wished that he knew what was going on. The VIP section was the balcony – it was less crowded and tables that were decorated with electric candles for mood lighting. It was romantic – if William was honest. There were two waitresses looking bored because the other people obviously hadn’t turned up yet and they had nothing to do. Gabe beamed as pulled out William’s chair and watched him sit down. William had to admit his emotions were drastically being salvaged from how he’d felt all day. He was with the man he loved having a romantic night. What could be better? When they had both slid out of their jackets and were engaging in light conversation one of the waitresses approached them with an over-friendly expression.

‘Do you guys want anything?’ she bubbled.

Gabe’s guise reached over to William and he swallowed, feeling his throat wilter into sand paper as the girl turned to face him. She was beautiful. Her brown locks dangled and her lips were perfectly curved as she simpered at him. Too pretty to be a waitress. William blinked. ‘Can I – g-g-get – erm… erm,’ William trailed off.

‘How about you come back in just a sec?’ Gabe suggested with the smooth composure he seemed to possess over every situation. At least one of us isn’t a nervous wreck. William hadn’t even known if he would be able to face a concert – just going outside made him feel sick sometimes. Gabe opened his hand up on the table and William wasn’t completely sure if Gabe’s intention was to hold hands but he nudged their skin together and Gabe thread his fingers through William’s. Gabe gazed up to William’s face; eyes smouldering. William was sure that Gabe wanted to kiss him. His face moved forward and William snuck his closer too; until their heads were lingering above their joined hands. Gabe pushed his lips against William’s; tongue plying his lips apart and dancing around his mouth. William had to remember how to breathe. Gabe wrenched himself back a tiny bit, leaving their lips just touching.

‘Thankyou for – all of this,’ William hummed.

‘It’s okay,’ Gabe giggled back. ‘Do you want me to order you a drink?’

‘D-diet lemonade?’ William asked. He really wanted water but he didn’t want Gabe to worry about what he was ingesting.

‘Sure,’ Gabe chimed.

The waitress eventually made a bubbly return and Gabe ordered coffee because the guy lived on caffeine. It was getting noisy in the building. Other people had taken their seats and it wasn’t long until the lights dimmed down. Gabe moved his seat so that they were sitting next to each other. The concert seemed to flash by. Gabe snuggled up to William, resting his head into the crook of William’s neck for well over half an hour. Andy sang with his breath-taking image that transcended any gender and his voice that brought the whole building to its knees. William was enjoying the lack of awareness distractions such as music brought to his mind. The show finished as soon as it started. They both stood up to clap and cheer with the rest of the building. Andy stood there and William was sure that he was staring right up to the spot where they were. He hoped that Andy wasn’t looking at them – he wouldn’t know how to process that.

‘Of all the shows we’ve done so far – this one has been really special to me because not only are you an orgasmic crowd but – there’s someone truly special in amongst you all tonight and – that really means the world to me that they decided to come so thankyou Chicago for giving me such an amazing night. Safe drive home. We love you.’

    William bit his lip as Gabe smiled at some unknown joke. He wondered if he should ask but he didn’t because maybe Gabe was just taking in the scenery. William turned to Gabe and Gabe immediately caught the boy’s lips.

‘Want to go home?’ William quizzed.

‘Nope. Surprise, remember?’

‘I – I thought all of this was the surprise,’ William blinked.

‘Nope. Not even close. Come on,’ Gabe chortled. They both rose to their feet and Gabe let out a smirk that thought was sort of plotting but he couldn’t even imagine what else Gabe could have planned. ‘Close your eyes, okay?’

‘What? Why?’ William startled.

‘Do you trust me?’

‘S-supposedly,’ William smiled back nervously. He did trust Gabe. He just didn’t trust himself enough to trust his own trust.

‘Close your eyes,’ Gabe whispered delicately as he took William’s hand. William gripped onto him and shut off his vision. His legs were moving with Gabe. He heard some women giving Gabe directions. The corridor they were travelling down felt like it lasted forever. They turned a corner and William heard knocking on a door. He could do this. He did trust Gabe enough not to open his eyes; not to ruin this.

‘Hey!’ a voice excitedly called. William recognised it.

‘Bilvy you can open your eyes now,’ Gabe purred. William shivered because the man’s lips were right next to his ear. Gabe’s hand slipped away to cup the small of William’s back. He fluttered his eyes into sight and couldn’t actually believe what he beheld.

‘Gabe Saporta - is that really you?!?’ Ashley howled. William watched as Ashley, Andy’s bass player, pulled Gabe into an animal hug. Andy was standing to side, a breathtaking smile on his perfect face.

‘Hey, sport. I wasn’t sure if you were going to come and say goodbye or not,’ Andy sang. He was topless, leather skinny trousers riding against the sweaty skin. Andy Biersack was an erotic dream.

‘Of course,’ Gabe laughed.

‘I just can’t believe this,’ Ashley gasped. ‘I haven’t seen you in – what? – three years?’

‘Something like that,’ Gabe chuckled.

William still wasn’t completely sure what was happening. Gabe fucking knows Andy Biersack and never said anything?

‘You have to come with me! All the other guys will be so psyched to see you!’

Gabe twisted towards William. His eyes searched into William’s soul; judging his reaction. Being left alone with Andy Biersack – I can handle that. I can handle that. He’s just a guy. He’s just a guy.

‘You go,’ William nodded.

‘You sure?’ Gabe asked.

‘What do you think I’m going to do, sport? You know that I don’t bite – unless you want me to,’ Andy teased.

William smirked anxiously in response.

Gabe rolled his eyes. ‘I’ll be five minutes, okay?’

‘Gabe! Come on.’ Ashley persisted.

‘Okay. Don’t be a little bitch now you’re a rockstar. I’m coming,’ Gabe snapped with a dry grin.

Gabe pecked William on the cheek before almost being dragged out of the green room by Ashley. William stood up awkwardly, unaware of how to handle this situation. He had Andy’s face plastered across his bedroom wall – not that Gabe would know. Gabe had never been inside William’s home.

‘He never told you, did he?’ Andy sighed.

‘N-no.’

‘We went out – before I was famous,’ Andy informed.

‘Oh,’ was all William could muster.

‘Come sit down with me. Would you like a drink?’ Andy offered.

‘N-n-no, t-t-thankyou.’

Andy went to get himself a beer from the chiller as William launched into one of the sofas awkwardly. ‘I think that it kind of embarrasses him, you know,’ Andy shrugged. ‘Everybody perceives me as Andy Biersack – rockstar. But Gabe just doesn’t. To him, I’m that guy he met in a gay bar once and accidently fell in love with. We were together for about two years,’ Andy smiled sadly.

William dared to peer into Andy’s eyes. He wished that he hadn’t because the way that Andy spoke about Gabe – it was like the words embodied love.

‘You – you still love him; don’t you?’

‘He doesn’t love me,’ Andy laughed.

William was uncomfortable. He thought he would talk to him about their albums and how crazy warped tour was… Not Gabe’s past relationships and how Andy was still head over heels in love with him. How can I even dream of competing with Andy Biersack?

    ‘Look, can I be honest with you? We met at a time when I was still really fucking around. It was Gabe – he gave me the push to become this. He gave me the confidence because he supported in places that I didn’t even realise needed support. He made all this possible, really. He’s one of the kindest people that I have ever met and I only want him to be happy. If you two are the real thing then you need to know that he’s not as strong as he pretends to be. When I met him – he’d just been discharged from hospital and he was so fragile. I wanted to take care of him; little by little he got better and ended up taking care of me. That’s what people like Gabe do,’ Andy wept. ‘They give all the parts of their soul away to the people who need it and when everybody is busy living their lives – they start to realise they have nothing left for themselves. That’s why Gabe ended up where he was the first time. When you hurt yourself like that – self harm, depression or an eating disorder – it never really leaves that person; the ability to treat yourself like that. Just because he’s fine now – that doesn’t mean that he will always be okay. So, I need you to promise me that you’ll take care of him and stand by him. Can you – can you promise me that, Bilvy? That you’ll love the bones out of him because he deserves every inch of goodness in this world and I don’t ever want him to feel like he doesn’t,’ Andy cried. Tears fell down his face, ruining his already smeared makeup. ‘Gabe is the one person I know that deserves to be happy.’

William swallowed. His throat collapsing in on itself. He was holding back his own tears because it was clear that Gabe’s name was stamped all over Andy’s heart. Every word he said was the truth. Gabe deserved the world. ‘Gabe’s one of the most beautiful people that I’ve ever met and I don’t deserve him but as long as he –,’ William’s voice cracked. ‘He wants me to – I’m going to make it my mission to love him until I physically I can’t anymore,’ William bawled.

Andy nodded. His fingertips wiped his own tears back. ‘Want to talk albums? I can tell you about how we came up with the concept on our last record?’

‘That’d be awesome,’ William enthused. Though, his whole demeanour was still awash with emotion.

Gabe suddenly opened the door. He was on his own.

‘Bilvy, I think that we should think about heading off now because it’s getting late. All the other guys went to see if fans were still waiting,’ Gabe suggested.

William jumped; trying to compose himself and Andy did the same. Both embarking on a secret agreement to lay to rest what they just discussed.

‘Andy was just telling me about music,’ William chimed.

‘I figured as much,’ Gabe chuckled.

William rose to his feet as the door was pushed open again.

‘Andy! There you are,’ Ronnie shouted. Andy stood up as well then.

‘Ronnie,’ Andy started. Ronnie staggered forward as Andy strolled in Gabe’s direction.

‘I’ve been looking for you,’ Ronnie announced.

William could almost envision the negative vibes being emitted from Ronnie. He hooked himself behind Andy when they were close enough together, hands clamping themselves to Andy’s hips; the man’s lips moved shamelessly against Andy’s neck. Andy struggled against him but couldn’t untangle himself. ‘Ronnie not now. Get off me. Have you been drinking?’ Andy seethed. Ronnie didn’t let go.

‘No. I just went for a smoke. Come on, I’m sure these guys don’t mind. I know you like it,’ Ronnie encouraged.

‘I mean it – fuck off,’ Andy roared. ‘I’m going to see these guys out and you better stay right here. I’m really disappointed in you.’

‘Whatever,’ Ronnie scoffed. He released Andy from his tight grip. William walked behind Gabe and Andy out of the building.

‘That’s the guy you’re with?’ Gabe protested.

‘You don’t know him. He’s trying, okay?’

‘He certainly looks trying,’ Gabe commented.

‘Well, nobody’s perfect,’ Andy huffed back. William followed them out of the building and into the night air, keeping silent. He was happy enough to listen to their conversation without any interjections. ‘Thankyou so much for coming tonight. It meant the world me, sport,’ Andy beamed.

Gabe pulled him into an embrace. ‘Look after yourself, alright? I don’t want you ending up on the front page for something bad.’

‘I will,’ Andy agreed, as they both removed themselves from the hug.

‘It’s been lovely to meet you, Bilvy.’ Andy opened up his arms and William awkwardly allowed Andy to wrap his arms around his body.

‘You too. You’re a lot nicer than I thought you were,’ William laughed.

Andy simpered at both of them. ‘Here, this is my personal card,’ Andy said, producing a small card from his back pocket. ‘I always carry a few with me – take one. It has my number on it so you can call if you need a favour. Maybe you’ll want someone cool to play at your wedding – I can hook you up,’ Andy smirked.

‘Thanks,’ Gabe chortled. ‘If that happens, I’ll let you know,’ Gabe breathed sarcastically.

Andy laughed as Gabe took the card from him and tucked it into his pocket.

Gabe clasped at William’s hand as they crossed the parking lot back to the car. The journey home was littered with the radio masking the silence between the two men. William didn’t mind because Gabe seemed tired; William was exhausted, himself. Andy’s words echoed through his head uncontrollably. He could feel a lingering lump in his throat and tried to ignore them.

  They clumsily travelled up the stairs and into Gabe’s apartment.

‘Why don’t you get ready for bed whilst I grab a drink? Do you want anything?’

‘Milk?’ William requested. William was attempting his best. He really was.

‘Sure, sweetie,’ Gabe sang.

William went to the bathroom and then he struggled out of his skinny jeans. He replaced his t-shirt with some of the permeant clothes he left at Gabe’s for nights like this. He crashed on the bed, snuggling beneath the duvet. He closed his eyes, listening to his own shallow breathing and that was when he realised how much his muscles were aching. His head pounded and his eyes groaned. He had been systematically ignoring all his ailments but in the dark, silent room waiting for Gabe to accompany him the pain jolted through his entire body. That wouldn’t stop him though. He wanted Gabe and nothing was going to intercept that. Gabe placed the drinks on the side which prompted William to open his eyes. He instantly felt better knowing that Gabe was there. Gabe stripped out of his clothes as William watched. Yes. He wanted Gabe tonight.

‘You’re really sexy,’ William groaned. ‘Want me to show you what I’m thinking right now?’

‘It’s kind of late, Bilvy,’ Gabe sighed. ‘You’re tired and we both need to get up in the morning.’

‘I’m not tired,’ William lied.

‘Yes – you are,’ Gabe challenged. He shuffled into the other side of the bed, in nothing but his boxers.

‘Come on,’ William murmured. ‘I know that you want to.’

‘I want you to be healthy more,’ Gabe snapped. William crawled up closer, until he was riding up against Gabe’s body. ‘Bilvy -,’ Gabe barked. William continued. His lips kissed into Gabe’s chest; Gabe didn’t resist William’s advancements when he flicked his tongue over Gabe’s nipple. ‘Fine,’ Gabe shuddered. ‘But I’m tired so you can top tonight,’ Gabe smouldered back.

‘T-top?’ William echoed. He had been hoping to lay there and let Gabe work his magic.

‘Unless you’re too tired for that?

‘No,’ William defied. I’m not letting you win this.

‘Good,’ Gabe smiled.

  William only mustered up enough energy to give Gabe a blowjob. He sucked on Gabe skin with every calorie left inside him; until Gabe bucked his hips up – thrusting into William’s mouth; hot moans falling from his lips. His fingers tangled up in William’s long hair and Gabe had barely made five minutes before he was coming into William’s mouth. Once William had swallowed him down, he didn’t really know if Gabe was talking to him because he fell asleep almost immediately. His body was far too tired; he couldn’t stay awake a second longer. **  
**


	19. Chapter 19

William was _so tired_ the next day. Gabe had dropped him back in time for him to eat breakfast and shower; his mom hadn’t locked the door and he was grateful of that. She drove him to school like normal in time for him to talk with Ryan before the bell sounded for first period.

‘Hey,’ Ryan beamed. He was at his locker where William knew that he would be. He was surprised that Brendon wasn’t with him. Ryan hadn’t even checked that it was William leaning against the lockers, hidden by Ryan’s locker door. They had a telepathic connection from years of friendship and Ryan just knew.

‘Hey,’ William yawned back.

‘Good weekend?’ Ryan asked. He closed his door after seemingly struggling to fit everything into his locker properly.

‘Actually… Yeah… You’ll never believe this…’ William sang excitedly.

‘What?’ Ryan skepticised.

‘I met Andy Biersack yesterday,’ William chimed.

‘ _The Andy Biersack_? No way. What? How? That show was sold out,’ Ryan gasped.

‘Turns out,’ William started. He looked around the corridor to check that nobody was listening but it was pretty vacant. ‘Turns out that Gabe fucking knows him. He was Gabe’s ex-boyfriend.’

‘What?!?’ Ryan shrilled.                             

‘I know. Before Andy was famous,’ William persisted.

‘Shut up,’ Ryan panted.

‘I know,’ William bounced.

‘So… You just talked albums with him?’ Ryan questioned.

‘Something like that,’ William smiled.

William was the first to see Brendon strolling down to the corridor in their direction. William grinned at him, prompting Ryan to twist in order to see who was there. William observed how Ryan’s whole demeanour changed – it was like the boy set ablaze. He sunk his teeth into his bottom lip, guise folding back to William.

‘Hey,’ Brendon sang, pecking at Ryan’s cheek.

‘Baby, do you want to go to the canteen and get me a muffin or something?’ Ryan fluttered.

‘I just came from there,’ Brendon complained.

‘I’ll make it worth your while,’ Ryan hushed, pulling the boy back into the locker and whispering into his ear. Unfortunately, William was still close enough to hear.

‘I’ll fuck you so hard that you won’t be able to close your eyes without thinking about it for weeks. I’ll rim you and suck you off,’ Ryan teased. Brendon nodded his head in a daze.

‘Bye Bilvy,’ Brendon chirped as he stalked past both of them. Ryan had an evil smirk on his face.

‘You treat him like your slave,’ William chuckled.

‘He _loves_ it,’ Ryan simpered.

‘Sorry – what were you saying?’

   That was when the bell rang for first period. William had a provisional meeting with Gerard. He doubted that it was last for two hours. He had been avoiding Iero’s bullshit comments with all the self-control he could muster, he had been dodging Pete and turning up to class. Gerard would have nothing to waffle on about. William said his farewells to Ryan and shuffled to Gerard’s office. It was only then that he noticed how tired he really was. His limbs ached and his head throbbed. His hands felt numb. _Gabe was right._ They hadn’t even been able to fuck properly last night. William groaned to himself as he knocked on the door and Gerard cheerfully opened it with the same zest he always had for life. It was irritating when William just wanted to burrow himself to a hole somewhere or Gabe’s arms… He didn’t mind which. Gerard beamed at him from across his desk. William resisted the impulse to roll his eyes. _How was one adult man always so positive? It wasn’t natural._

‘Hey,’ Gerard began.

‘Hey, G Man.’

‘You’ve been making excellent progress at the moment. I haven’t had one single report of bad behaviour or missed classes. Moreover, you’re passing every class. The rumours have died down somewhat. I’m really proud at how you’ve managed to alter your behaviour, Bilvy. Good job.’

‘Thanks, I guess,’ William mumbled, shrugging his shoulders.

‘I’m not going to detain you much longer, Bilvy. I just want to make sure that everything is okay?’ The teacher stared across at him expectantly with an inviting smile. ‘Anything you that tell me will be treated with confidentially. You can trust me,’ Gerard reassured.

William swallowed uneasily under the teacher’s gaze. ‘I’m fine. You don’t need to worry about me,’ William lied. He could feel the blood pumping throughout his veins.

Gerard squinted his eyes. ‘Are you sure?’

‘Yeah, G Man. I’m totally fine,’ William grinned up at him.

‘Okay,’ Gerard breathed. ‘You’ll tell me if there is?’

‘Sure, G Man.’

‘Good. Keep up the good work and say hello to your mother for me,’ Gerard chimed.

‘I will,’ William nodded. He grabbed his satchel from where he had dumped it onto the floor and made his exit. He needed to calm the fuck down – _he was going to have a panic attack._ It was just as he rushed for the door without looking, he bumped right into Gabe opening the door to enter the office. It was lucky that Gabe wasn’t carrying anything. William jumped back in surprise and Gabe furrowed his eyebrows.

‘You okay?’ Gabe inquired. His hand rested on William’s upper arm before wrenching it back.

‘Yeah,’ William sighed. ‘I’m – o-okay.’

‘What’s wrong?’ Gabe questioned. He brought William into an embrace in the middle of the hall and William didn’t even know how to react. Gabe was willing to risk being seen to make sure that he was alright. _Maybe he really did love him._ Gabe pecked at William’s temple as his eyes shut and he steadied his breathing, attempting to kill the anxiety that had gripped his consciousness. ‘You’re going to be okay, Bilvy. Just breathe,’ Gabe lulled. William did. He took short, sharp breaths in and out until he could feel himself melting against Gabe’s warmth. ‘There,’ Gabe murmured softly, taking a step back, eyes ripping through William’s composure as he stroked the hair back from William’s face.

‘Thanks, baby,’ William gulped.

‘Any time. I have to run though… Left a class unsupervised,’ Gabe smirked. William’s heart brightened at Gabe’s smile. ‘I’ll catch you later, gorgeous.’

William’s feet carried him to his first period without him barely aware he was walking at all. _God, he was tired._

By some miracle, he managed to get through his classes until lunchtime. He trod light steps down the corridor as his muscles twisted and pushed the door to the bathroom open. There was nobody around so he figured he could use a cubicle without looking weird for not using one of the urinals… He opened the door to the cubicle in order to wash his hands when he heard the door shift and thought little of it until a voice sounded from behind him.

‘Beckett – there you are. Washing your hands? We all know that you’re a dirty, dirty boy.’

‘Fuck off, Pete,’ William seethed. He was glaring at him as he watched the teenager in the mirror on the wall. _He meant it this time._ He had Gabe. He didn’t need Pete anymore. He pushed back the anxiety in his body because he had to do this. _He had to_.

‘You’ve been avoiding me?’ Pete accused. William turned to dry his hands under the hand dryer. Pete waited until the dull sound died to speak. ‘Don’t deny it, Beckett. _Nobody_ does that to me,’ Pete bit.

William rolled his eyes. ‘Look, I won’t tell anyone about us – I know that you have some kind of internalised homophobia or whatever but leave me alone. I’m not cool with this anymore.’

‘Not cool with it?’ Pete gawped. ‘I’m a popular kid. People don’t even know you – you’re only your rumours as the school _whore_.’

William knew that he needed to be strong now. Gabe couldn’t fight every battle holding his hand. ‘Cry me a river, Pete,’ William scoffed. It wasn’t as venomous as he’d hoped.

‘What did you just say to me?’

‘You heard me,’ William gulped. He stood his ground. ‘This is done.’

‘I’m going to make sure you fucking regret that,’ Pete snarled.

William shrugged his shoulders. ‘Goodbye Pete. Have a nice life,’ William sighed as he dashed for the door. _He was too exhausted to deal with this shit today._ He continued strolling down the corridor and straight into Gabe’s classroom. William opened the door in silence.

‘I’m sorry. I’m just about to -,’ Gabe apologised, hushing himself when his eyes reached up to find William.

‘About to what?’ William teased, shutting the door behind him and striding forward until they were centimetres apart.

‘About to go to the staffroom and eat lunch,’ Gabe smirked. ‘Are you feeling better now?’ Gabe’s fingers brushed his cheek, he felt himself lean into it. Gabe’s skin always felt so good.

‘So much better,’ William nodded. He had finally told Pete _‘no’_ and that was such an accomplishment.

‘In that case… I can tell you what I was thinking we’d do later,’ Gabe murmured, his lips were close to William’s ear, catching it. William swallowed.

‘Wha- what were – y- you thinking?’ the boy blinked.

‘Kind of a trust exercise… Kind of a food exercise… Kind of a _sex_ ercise,’ Gabe tantalised. ‘I really do need to go to the staff room though, sweetie,’ Gabe sighed, pulling back.

‘That’s okay. I promised Ryan and Brendon that I’d be there at lunch so,’ William trailed off.

‘Great. You should be seeing your friends, baby. Walk with me?’ Gabe offered, collecting his bag from behind his desk.

William agreed by tipping his head. The men walked down the hall, chatting about William’s project so that anyone overhearing wouldn’t suspect anything. Gabe eventually turned into the staffroom and William shuffled the rest of the path alone – mind fixated on what exactly Gabe had planned for him later. He entered the canteen with the same anxiety he always had for it. Even though William had had a few weeks doing well – food was still his bitter and absolute enemy. He quickly located the table which Ryan and Brendon were kissing at; Travie and Patrick on the other side talking to each other.

‘Hey,’ William beamed, sitting down next to Brendon.

‘Can you two _stop?_ You’re going to make me throw up,’ Travie complained.

Ryan broke away from Brendon’s lips with a smirk. ‘We can’t all be fucking ace, Trav,’ Ryan rolled his eyes. Brendon turned to William whilst the other boys were involved in a playful argument with _bitch Ryan_.

‘Hey,’ Brendon welcomed, nudging their shoulders together. ‘Are you okay?’

‘I know that Ryan’s told you,’ William huffed back.

Brendon lifted his shoulders up. ‘I was just checking, Bilvy,’ he said sweetly. ‘You going to get food then?’

‘Yeah…’ William breathed.

Brendon turned back to hear Ryan exclaim: _‘But guys are so sexy!’_.Brendon pouted mockingly in William’s direction and William returned his humour. ‘I’ll come with you,’ Brendon laughed and they both headed towards the food counters, leaving Ryan to gross out Travie.

   William knew that he would sleep well tonight but there was nothing that would prevent him from experiencing whatever Gabe had been alluding to earlier that day. He waited afterschool and Gabe drove them both back as per usual. It had been a long time into the evening when Gabe decided to tell William what was happening. He had made William dinner, which William tried his best to eat, and they had settled into watching _Pride_ on the sofa. It was already eight and William was getting more tired by the minute. His head was rested on Gabe’s chest, their legs tangled together and Gabe’s fingers silently brushing through the boy’s long strands. William was comfortable enough to fall asleep monitoring Gabe’s breathing; lying there half in a daydream.

‘So,’ Gabe started in a small voice, ‘want to..?’

‘Want to what?’ William blinked.

William didn’t have the energy to move but as Gabe spoke; the film merged into the background. ‘I was thinking that we could do a thing…’ William remained silent, waiting for him to elaborate. ‘A kind of food/sex thing… I’d lay down on the floor and you eat from my body… I was thinking that I’d close my eyes or something… That way I have to trust that you’re eating it,’ Gabe hummed. William thought about it; licking Gabe’s skin – _it wasn’t that much of a hardship_.

‘Wha – what food?’ William gulped. Food made him anxious.

‘Fruit. I bought Pineapple chunks and Strawberries. I mean, this isn’t something we have to do if you don’t want to.’

‘No. It sounds… yes. Yeah… Let’s do that. _I want to_ ,’ William nodded. He managed to hoist himself up as Gabe swung his legs down until they were sitting next to each other.

‘Are you sure? We don’t have to,’ Gabe whispered.

‘Yeah. I want to,’ William reassured him, more confidently than before.

‘Okay, baby,’ Gabe hummed. He sprung into life – pushing the coffee table towards the television and switching the television onto standby. He swiftly prepared pineapple chunks and cut up strawberries onto a small side plate and set it down on the floor in the space he’d produced, before skipping to the bathroom to collect some towels that he lined up on the floor. William watched him prepare everything with an amused expression. When the towels were firmly covering the floor, Gabe started to strip. He slid out of his clothes, like he was never wearing any and it left William feeling awkward fully clothed. Gabe’s body always looked so good… His tanned skin that always radiated heat and William swallowed as his eyes fell on the man’s solid thighs and hairless chest; pink flesh of the man’s nipple the only flash of colour. William had to snap his eyes away when he realised Gabe was talking to him.

‘… Bilvy?’ Gabe questioned.

‘Wh-what? S-sorry?’

‘I said – are you going to get over here? I can’t kiss you from over there,’ Gabe grinned. William steadied himself when he balanced his weight onto his feet and crept forward until Gabe’s hands found their place into the small of William’s back and the man was pressing his lips harshly against his own. William’s hands ended up clutching at the skin on Gabe’s neck. William had to remind himself to _breathe_. Gabe’s fingers pulled up his t-shirt from his back until William wriggled out of all of his clothing. He was just as naked as Gabe but he felt twice as exposed.

‘You’re so hot, Bilvy,’ Gabe murmured. He pulled William down on top of him as he laid on the floor. William’s eyelashes fluttered, gazing down at the man he loved. Gabe was perfect in every sense and William did not deserve him. This was a dream…

‘I’m going to close my eyes… Unless you want me blindfolded?’

‘N-no. I trust you,’ William nodded.

‘Okay.’

   William swooped forward, kissing the man passionately to drown out his thoughts. William was straddling Gabe, their skin rubbing together and his hands roamed down Gabe’s body. He would never get tired of this. He would never get tired of Gabe’s full attention; of hearing Gabe’s voice become so low and distracted; of knowing that’s what he did to the man. Gabe’s head rested back against the floor when William broke their lips from connection. He turned to face the fruit on the plate beside him. Any food was a struggle; fruit was better because it had less calories but still ultimately poison. He wanted to get better. He wanted to live a normal life. He remembers saying it to Gabe that one time… _I have an eating disorder._ This amazing man had taken all this time to fix him so he had to try. William’s lips caressed at Gabe’s chest, feeling him heave it of breathe beneath him. He flicked his tongue over Gabe’s skin as the man arched up into it. The only sounds was their breathing and Gabe’s swallowed moans. William reached over for a few slices of fruit and lined them up on Gabe’s body – one on Gabe’s chest, one on his stomach and one in the centre of his hips. His hands were shaking as he gripped onto Gabe’s sides to feel Gabe’s presence. Food made him feel sick. Even though, they were both hard by this point William couldn’t bypass the feeling in his stomach – the one that was revolted as the something so ugly balancing on the skin of someone so beautiful. He bit down, sucking at Gabe’s skin as he took the Pineapple into his mouth and juice dribbled down his skin as William chewed and swallowed. He swiftly licked at the juice to distract himself, as Gabe arched up into William’s mouth but William hands prevented him in order to keep the fruit in place– skin sticky already. William continued to mouth at his skin as Gabe moaned. It wasn’t as bad as he thought it’d be – he more confidently mouthed at the strawberry on Gabe’s tummy and he deliberately squelched juice of the pineapple on Gabe’s hips everywhere to give himself a good enough reason to tongue along Gabe’s cock. William’s guise flickered to Gabe’s face – his eyes were still clenched tight. William licked the pre-come away from the head of cock and took him into his mouth.

‘Oh, Bilvy,’ Gabe gasped. ‘ _Fuck._ ’

William persisted, sucking on Gabe’s dick until he choked on it and was forced to pull back. _He knew that Gabe would have to take a shower anyway…_ He jerked Gabe’s cock with his lips tight until Gabe made the sound that William recognised – Gabe was so close. William unlatched his mouth as Gabe moaned; come shooting up onto William’s face. Gabe opened his eyes as William rested his on Gabe’s sugary skin.

‘You…. really… didn’t… have… to do that,’ Gabe panted, brushing William’s long hair back.

William faced him. ‘Why?’ He eyed him; his own almost black pupils baring down into Gabe’s.

‘Because I need you to get into the shower right now so that I can do naughty things to you, Beckett,’ Gabe teased.

William jumped up; heading in that direction as Gabe followed him. _Shower then bed sounded amazing._ William was finally starting to believe that things could be alright. He didn’t have to be devoid of anything but pain. There was a glimmer of hope in his heart; a chink of light; a tiny spark that refused to dwindle. William let it warm his soul and hoped it didn’t fade away as they danced into the bathroom.


	20. Chapter 20

William was getting bad again. He’d started to neglect his school work and was trying his best not to socialise. More importantly, he’d stopped eating _completely_. _It was no use pretending anymore._ He couldn’t eat for Gabe; he couldn’t eat for _anyone_. It didn’t matter how much he wanted to – he simply couldn’t inject that poison into his body anymore. Nobody would be able to force him; he didn’t even possess the power to make himself. The last two nights he had decided not to see Gabe. He had school work to stare at, if nothing else, and if he was being honest – he just didn’t want to be with Gabe. Of course, he loved him and wanted to snuggled up to him but he just felt too ugly; too much of a waste on Gabe’s affection. His mom could do with the company anyway. Their relationship was falling apart. William had decided to take a place on the sofa with her after the painful dinner that he always endured. He didn’t really touch his food but his mom didn’t say anything about it. William was grateful for that. It was awkward when he followed her into the kitchen to help with the washing up _for once_. She didn’t remark on how unusual it was although she gave him a series of surprised glances when he reached for a cloth to dry plates with. The night didn’t improve at all. They stumbled blindly through dinner most nights and he didn’t remember the last time he actually sat down with his mom; with just the two of them in the house – it was like the walls could swallow them; the hallways seemed silent and the rooms were much larger than their physical size. His mom watched crime dramas such _Castle_ and reruns of _Desperate Housewives_ or _Ugly Betty_. _Ugly Betty_ was almost watchable so he breathed a sigh of relief that his mom turned it to that. He always thought the programme was kind of cute because it was based around argument between the pursuit of external beauty and the beauty of the human soul. William often wondered which one was really worth more. He knew which Gabe would choose but then Gabe was a good man and not ugly like him; like the rest of the world. He guessed that he was on the other side because he always felt he had to be beautiful in order to be loved. He wanted to think he was purer than that; less shallow but he wasn’t and Gabe deserved someone better.

‘Are you okay, Billieboo?’ his mother finally questioned. ‘Is something wrong?’

William shifted uncomfortably. ‘No,’ William sighed.

‘Well, you don’t usually want to sit with me nowadays…’

‘I thought it’d be nice to spend some time together,’ William shrugged. _You still love me, right?_

‘Oh… Well that’s - _good_ ,’ she stuttered. William shuffled closer when his mother opened her arm out, inviting him in – maybe he was too old for cuddles most of the time but letting his guard down once in a while was alright… He placed his head on her chest and threw his arms around her curvy body.

‘Are you sure that you’re okay?’ she whispered.

‘Yeah, mom. Everything is fine.’

‘I mean, I know we don’t talk about daddy but -,’ she murmured before William interrupted her.

‘ _Mom!_ Seriously, are we going to talk about dad? I’d really rather not,’ William snapped back.

‘I suppose not, Billieboo. You just – it’d be nice if you could let me know what’s going on every once in a while.’

‘I’m sorry,’ William croaked. ‘I know I’ve been super distant but I’ve really respected how much you haven’t pushed me.’

‘How’s that boy of yours?’ the women smirked. ‘Still -.’

’24?’ William rolled his eyes. ‘Yeah, he is.’

‘I was going to say making you happy… I want to be supportive, Bilvy.’

‘Oh,’ William hushed himself. _Don’t you look stupid now?_ ‘Yeah, mom. He’s the best.’

‘Am I going to meet him?’

‘Nope,’ William laughed. _Not until he finds a different job._

‘Why not?’

‘Mom _please_?’

‘Okay, okay. I’ll stop. But just – make sure you’re being safe, okay?’

‘ _Mom!_ ’ William screeched.

She lightly chuckled, fingertips brushing through his hair. ‘You’re always going to be my baby. Even when you’re double my height; even if you have children of your own. I love you, Billieboo.’

‘Love you too,’ William swallowed. He couldn’t escape how his guts knotted; trapped in his stomach. She deserved a better son. She deserved a child that talked to her and made her feel appreciated. She deserved how William used to be before everything fell apart but now the parts were too shattered to be repaired. William was starting to realise how much he fucked up relationships; how much everybody would benefit if he wasn’t there. _Food was the least that he did not deserve. He was never eating food again._ He spent the rest of that night in his mother’s arms out of guilt; if nothing else. His head ached; his heart pounded and his muscles screamed so it wasn’t long after travelling the stairs that he went to bed – ignoring any and all texts or notifications that had flashed on his cell.

****

The week rolled on as Ryan was spending increased amounts of his time with Brendon. He felt exceedingly terrible that he had been neglecting William but relationships needed constant maintenance and he was in love with Brendon. _Besides, William had Gabe now anyway._ Ryan was at his Brendon’s house. It had been terrifying the first time but now he was used to it – it turned out that Brendon’s parents were pretty laid back for Mormons. Brendon’s parents didn’t care how affectionate they were. Grace often smiled when they kissed each other and Boyd never once made any rude comments. Neither of them ever referred to their sexuality as a ‘lifestyle choice’ and Brendon was actually convinced that they figured that one is born with their sexuality; in short, that God created them like that. Saturday was always the best time to sleep round because Brendon’s parents would spend the whole of Sunday morning at church and it was the only time that they were sure that they wouldn’t be disturbed.

     Saturday itself had been a lazy day by every stretch of the imagination. Other than walking Brendon’s dog; they had spent all weekend on the couch watching television. Brendon’s dad spent most of his time in the garden and Brendon’s mom always had extra work somehow – even though she worked forty hours a week. Ryan spent most weekends at Brendon’s house and some school nights as well. He couldn’t even view a way that Brendon would be welcomed into their house as his _boyfriend_. The fact that Brendon’s parents, even as Mormons, opened their house up to their gay son’s boyfriend with all love in the world and yet his _non-religious_ parents wouldn’t accept him broke his heart. How was he ever supposed to have a proper relationship with them when they rejected him at every turn? _Unconditional love._ Ryan scoffed to himself because _that was a fucking lie._ Sometimes, Ryan couldn’t help thinking back to the time when he used to rest his head on William’s shoulder instead. _Sure, it was different_ – William was his best friend and not his boyfriend but he did miss how they used to be. If Ryan was being honest; he was worried about William. He hadn’t actually spoken to him barely at all that week and Travie had mentioned that William had started to become a no show in classes again. Ryan wished there was more he could do than insist that William came to lunch and made sure that he ate it.

‘What are you thinking about?’ Brendon quizzed, when Ryan had stayed silent too long. Normally, Ryan would either criticise what they were watching or add his own interpretation to it. It was a dead giveaway sign that Ryan wasn’t paying attention when his lips weren’t moving.

‘Do you – do you think that we’re letting Bilvy down – not spending so much time with him? That _I’m_ letting him down?’ Ryan exhaled.

Brendon paused the Tivo box, shifting his position so that his eyes danced into Ryan’s and he brushed Ryan’s fringe away from his eyelashes. ‘No. Of course not,’ Brendon whined sympathetically. ‘I think that there’s not an awful lot we can do to help Bilvy. Ry, he’s mentally ill – until he’s willing to get help on his own terms; all we can do is turn up when he needs us, check up on him and keep letting him know that we care – which we will,’ Brendon soothed.

Ryan really did feel the worst about this situation. He had Googled how to help a person with an eating disorder and all it had said was: _insecurities. Get them talking._ Ryan rolled his eyes. _No shit._ He knows that he had been getting slightly distant and he couldn’t forgive himself for not being around more; even if Brendon promised it wasn’t his fault.

‘I texted him but he didn’t reply,’ Ryan huffed.

‘Maybe we can stop by tomorrow if you want?’

‘No,’ Ryan groaned. ‘He’s probably with Gabe and I don’t want him to think we’re checking up on him.’

‘Okay,’ Brendon hushed, placing his lips on Ryan’s temple. Ryan smiled at him, wrinkling up his nose.

     The day persisted much like that. Ryan spent the whole day worrying about William and his parents whilst burying himself into Brendon’s body. Brendon went downstairs to get them drinks before going to sleep. Ryan busied himself in the bathroom – brushing his teeth and changing into pyjamas; he was snuggled up in bed by the time that Brendon reappeared in his room. His cheeks were rosy and he had a mildly uncomfortable expression on his face. Ryan furrowed his eyebrows, questioning Brendon’s current state of being. Brendon set the drinks down on the side, next to his bed and changed into his pyjamas completely shamelessly. Ryan didn’t avert his eyes – his boyfriend’s body was a sight. _Why would he?_

‘You’ll never guess what just happened…’ Brendon coughed.

‘What?’ Ryan integrated, burning further with curiosity.

‘My parents just – they just sat me down to give me a sex chat.’

‘What?’ Ryan cackled. ‘No way!’

‘It’s not funny, Ry. I think that I’ve just been permanently scarred,’ Brendon complained.

Ryan couldn’t help the laughter that surged out of him. _Brendon was such a drama queen._

‘What did they say?’ Ryan giggled.

       ‘Well…,’ Brendon squirmed. Ryan listened, biting his lip as Brendon explained what had happened.

‘Brendon, can you come in here for a second please?’ Grace called to him from the sitting room.

Brendon blindly stumbled into the sitting room to meet his parents seeming uncharacteristically serious. ‘What is it?’ Brendon queried, with a nervous grin.

‘Why don’t you sit down, honey? This won’t take long,’ Grace sang.

Brendon squinted his eyes at both of them and made his direction to the couch next to his mother, leaving a personable space between them. Boyd was occupying the arm chair to the right of the sofa and they both faced in his direction.

‘As you are well aware,’ Boyd started. ‘We go to church every Sunday which means that you and Ry are left here alone. What is it that you do when we’re not here?’ Boyd insisted cautiously. _Brendon wasn’t an idiot._ He could feel the discomfort from behind his father’s eyes.

‘Sleep mostly,’ Brendon shrugged. _He did not want to talk to his Mormon parents about all the gay sex he was having._

‘Come on,’ Boyd urged. ‘We’re all adults here. You can be honest with us. We love ya, kid.’

‘Errr… Well…,’ Brendon struggled.

‘You guys…’ Boyd trailed off. His hands were coming together in some kind of weird motion that did not signify what Boyd was obviously trying to communicate.

‘M-maybe. Does it matter?’ Brendon choked, cheeks hot with embarrassment. His eyes dropped into his hands. _Where were they going with this?_

‘Your mother and I – we love you and we accept you as God made you. We want you to be safe – that’s all,’ Boyd chirped. ‘This is really nothing to be embarrassed about. When we were younger your mother and I -,’ Boyd chuckled.

‘Dad – no – _gross_. Seriously!’ Brendon hollered.

‘Okay, okay,’ Boyd snorted. ‘I was on the line -.’

‘ _Online_ , dad. It’s online.’

‘Whatever – online – and there’s a lot of things that you need to think about when doing that with Ryan… It said that you could cause some real damage to your – err – _rectum_ – if you’re not careful.’

Brendon’s eyes were wide. _He needed to be anywhere else. Kill me. Kill me. If there is a God – please take me now._ ‘And,’ Boyd continued. ‘Make sure that you’re using condoms and enough _lube_ -,’ Boyd gulped.

‘Dad,’ Brendon interjected. ‘Please stop talking. I know that you mean well but this is making me extremely uncomfortable and – I really don’t need you guys to do this – Ryan is my _boyfriend_ ; he’s not going to hurt me,’ Brendon nodded.

‘Maybe not on purpose,’ Grace interrupted. ‘But if you boys aren’t well informed -,’ Grace lectured.

‘Mom, please,’ Brendon sighed. _Seriously, save me now._ ‘I’ve known that I was gay since I was like eight. Don’t you think I would have found out that stuff for myself?’

‘Since you were _eight_?’ Boyd squawked.

‘Well… Yeah…’ Brendon breathed.

‘And – you didn’t tell us until you were _seventeen_?’ Boyd bawled. ‘Did we do something wrong?’

‘No; no. Of course not,’ Brendon exclaimed defensively. ‘You know, it was just with you – with you being Mormon and everything… I just – I just wasn’t sure that -,’ Brendon swallowed. _Sure, it sounds stupid now._

‘Hey. Look here; we love you, kid. Okay? Gay, straight, boy, girl – having sex in or out of marriage; getting tattoos, dying your hair _candyfloss pink_ – we love you. We’re here for you,’ Boyd said softly.

Brendon’s features warmed. _He knew that now._ ‘Thanks, pops,’ Brendon chimed. ‘I love you guys too.’

‘Alright, champ. You can run off now. I’m done torturing you,’ Boyd winked.

     Ryan thought the story was cute; that they cared that much – more than his own parents could ever love him. He had a sinking feeling in his body as Brendon scooped him up, lying down beside him. Brendon pecked him on the lips tenderly. ‘Night, baby,’ Brendon whispered.

‘Night, Brennybear,’ Ryan whispered back. He didn’t sleep though. He laid awake for hours worrying about William; about how he could ever be honest with his parents; about _everything_. His eyes turned from the ceiling to eventually stare at Brendon – so beautiful when he was asleep. Ryan nested into his body and shut his eyes tightly; letting the rhythmic rise and fall of Brendon’s breathing sing him to sleep. Ryan was awaken by a sensation of air in his ear. He didn’t react to it at first but it continued down the back of his neck, forcing him shiver.

‘Fuck off, Brendon,’ Ryan muttered. He heard Brendon simper and push up against the back half of his body. Brendon’s erection rode up against Ryan’s asscheek through their clothes. _Oh._ Ryan really needed the bathroom and his breath probably smelt like something had died in his mouth. He didn’t know how long Brendon had been awake but it was long enough to get hard. He flung his body up. ‘Give me one sec, okay?’ Ryan promised sleepily.

‘Sure,’ Brendon smiled. ‘I’ll be right here.’

Ryan hastily did everything that he needed to and smirked when Brendon was completely naked, stroking himself on the bed _just waiting_ for him to come back.

‘What you thinking about?’ Ryan teased, feet dancing towards the bed.

‘All of the things I’m going to do to you,’ Brendon murmured back.

‘Oh yeah?’ Ryan invited. He crumpled the hem of his t-shirt in his hand as he whipped it off over his head.

‘Yeah… Going to finger you until you can’t take it anymore.’

‘Is that right?’

‘Sure is. But _first_ ,’ Brendon whispered. _Brendon was so predictable._

‘You know, you need to keep that oral fixation of yours in check,’ Ryan laughed.

Brendon’s expression turned animalistic. ‘But your lips drive me crazy, Ryan,’ Brendon purred. Ryan knew that wasn’t a lie – Brendon had some weird fascination with lips; his eyes always roamed to Ryan’s lips when they were talking. Ryan slid out of his pyjama pants that were too big anyway so they clung around his hips and his underwear decorated the carpet shortly after that. _Sunday morning was the best._ Ryan clambered onto the bed, between Brendon’s legs, mouth open. His tongue licked at the skin on the inside of Brendon’s thigh. Brendon rested his back against the mattress. Ryan sunk his teeth into Brendon’s skin, Brendon let out a tiny noise as Ryan sucked at it – leaving a mark there that he would make sure to press into later to remind Brendon of this moment. Ryan darted his mouth across to Brendon’s cock; solid and aching for attention. Ryan’s lips stretched; he felt Brendon’s hands in his hair – pushing him down; he allowed Brendon to take control as Brendon’s cock slid into his mouth as far as it could. He choked and felt Brendon mutter ‘sorry’ underneath his breath and pulled Ryan’s head back slightly. Brendon thrust into Ryan’s mouth; Ryan took it as Brendon moaned out loud about how tight his mouth was. Brendon made Ryan feel dirty in the best possible sense. He made Ryan feel so much better about _everything_. Sunday mornings were definitely the highlight of each week.


	21. Chapter 21

Gabe was increasingly worried about William’s behaviour. He hadn’t spent a few nights with his boyfriend; though he was relieved of that because it meant he wasn’t as reliant as Gabe had thought – however it was _abnormal_ and that made Gabe uncomfortable. He was in the staffroom for lunch when he heard about William’s behaviour and felt his gut clench.

‘Kid didn’t show up, Gerard. He’s your responsibility,’ Frank scowled.

‘Yeah… Sorry to spread bad news, Gee, but he was absent from my class as well,’ Ray sighed apologetically.

Gerard huffed. ‘Damn… I’m really saddened to hear that. He had been doing so well recently – I really thought we had turned a corner. I’ll talk to him next time I see him – maybe he was just having a bad day.’

‘Or maybe the kid’s a fucking trouble maker,’ Frank muttered.

‘What’s that, Iero?’ Mikey asked. ‘Nobody likes your smartass comments so you have to mutter them under your breath,’ Mikey pouted.

‘Hey. It’s okay, dude,’ Gee smiled. Gabe stayed silent as he watched Gerard squeeze Mikey’s shoulder.

Gabe didn’t care about the food in front of him. His gut churned to think that William was skipping classes again and hadn’t told him. ‘Not hungry?’ Victoria questioned with a comforting smile next to him.

‘No. I’m not feeling that great,’ Gabe puffed out.

‘Oh,’ Mikey chimed in. ‘What’s wrong?’

‘I haven’t been sleeping well the last few nights.’ That was no lie. Gabe found it difficult to sleep if William wasn’t lying beside him nowadays.

Victoria placed her hand on his head – she was the nurturing type; the kind of women that the kids loved because she was maternal and patient. ‘You’re warm,’ she cooed.

‘Vic, it’s fine,’ Gabe wrestled weakly.

‘Maybe you should take tomorrow off if you’re not well. Germs spread like wildfire in these places,’ Gee advised.

‘I’m honestly fine,’ Gabe chuckled nervously. _Just worried. Just worried about my boyfriend._

‘Just see how you feel tomorrow,’ Ray chirped.

‘Yeah… We don’t all want to get sick because of your dumb ass,’ Frank hissed.

‘Shut _up_ , Iero,’ Mikey snarled.

‘Mikey, dude,’ Gerard soothed. ‘It’s fine. Frank is entitled to an opinion as much as anybody else,’ Gerard grinned falsely.

Mikey hissed under his breath but nodded.

‘Thankyou Gerard,’ Frank rolled his eyes.

Gabe gulped. Frank really was an asshole. He could completely understand why William always ended up in detention from his class.

   Mikey and Gabe chatted quietly as noise bubbled from the staffroom. Gabe really did feel awful – his gut twisted and his chest ached. _Why hadn’t William come to him? Why was he such a useless boyfriend?_ He gathered his things before the end of lunch and rushed back to his classroom. He whipped out his cell.

_Gabe: In my classroom. Come and find me._

He started to find the powerpoints on his computer after he had pulled down the screen, switching on the projector. His phone buzzed.

_William: On my way._

Gabe breathed out. Thank fuck that William had agreed and not argued. They’d never spent so much physical time apart and it wasn’t that Gabe couldn’t live without William but he was worried about the boy. Gabe continued to fiddle with his computer until he heard the door swing open and William peered through, shuffling forward when Gabe was visible to him.

‘Hey,’ Gabe chimed.

William closed the door behind him. ‘Hey,’ William smiled weakly back.

Gabe jumped up. He was hit in the face by William’s beauty. His smouldering, dark eyes and long Belgian hair. His tall, thin body and his perfect skin. Gabe wanted to kiss him all over; lick into every cavity; he wanted to drown his soul in the boy. William walked forward at the same time that he did, matching his motions when Gabe opened his arms to bring William into an embrace. He drank in the boy’s scent – _fuck, he could get drunk from it._ Gabe’s lips found their natural place at William’s neck, pressing his lips gently against William’s flesh and feeling the boy exhale, bones melting into his body. Gabe wanted to bite down, leave marks on him so that he would see them and he could be reminded of this moment but he knew that they would be too obvious so he simply pushed himself away and brushed the boy’s hair from his face, watching his eyelashes flutter.

‘I’ve missed you,’ William whispered.

‘I’ve missed you too, baby,’ Gabe hummed. ‘I think we need to have a talk about what’s going on, don’t you?’

William’s eyes dropped to his feet like a stubborn child refusing to be chastised. ‘Okay,’ he sighed.

Gabe’s fingertips traced over William’s jawline, stretching out underneath his chin. ‘Hey. You’re beautiful,’ Gabe purred. William didn’t glance up. ‘Why don’t you come back with me later?’

‘Yeah, okay,’ William nodded. ‘Love you,’ he choked.

‘Love you too, sweets,’ Gabe grinned. He brought his lips forward to William’s forehead. The bell rang suddenly to signal the end of lunch and Gabe backed away. William’s eyes met his; delicate and playful – before he exited the classroom in a rush so that anybody had a chance to catch them.

   Gabe battled through the day. Kids were winding him up today. Half a fucking class forgot their textbooks for last period. Gabe didn’t have enough to offer one to everyone which meant making them share but teenagers never wanted to share _anything_. He was seriously looking forward to settling down with William tonight. The thought of it made his heart flutter. Eventually, the bell rang for the end of the day. All Gabe wanted to do was collect William and hold the boy in his arms for the entire night. He rubbed into his eye sockets as the kids all departed from his classroom. It took him half an hour before the room as suitably tidy and he switched the lights off – carrying his laptop and his bag of papers with him. He thought about dropping them in his car and going back to his office after but he decided to head straight there. He hoped that Gerard wasn’t there – Gerard was usually in detention for the first hour after school every night. Gabe always had an hour of solace before Gerard was likely to materialise. William was waiting inside the office when Gabe opened the door.

‘Hey,’ William breathed. Gabe studied him briefly – he seemed tired and his skin appeared dry; dryer than Gabe remembered it being a few days ago.

‘Hey, gorgeous.’ William leapt up onto the desk as Gabe busied himself with getting the rest of his stuff together from the drawers and making sure he had everything that he needed. He set everything down on the floor and twisted his chair around to face William.

‘You okay, baby?’

‘Yeah. I’m fine. How are you?’ William blinked.

Gabe noticed William’s chapped lips, the rough skin on his face and the deep, dark purple circles under his eyes. Gabe swallowed. _I love you so much. I love you and you do this to yourself._ ‘Come here,’ Gabe cooed. William lowered himself from the table into Gabe’s lap. Gabe’s arms extended around William’s body – Gabe’s face settled into the crook of William’s neck. William laughed as Gabe breathed into his skin.

‘That tickles,’ William giggled.

‘Oh yeah...’ Gabe teased. He blew on William’s neck with intent, forcing the boy to squirm and chuckle.

‘Stop… That tickles,’ William sniggered. Gabe hadn’t heard William laugh in weeks. ‘If you don’t – I’ll -,’ William was interrupted with more of his own laughter. ‘You asked for it,’ William smirked as Gabe eventually eased of the tickling. William ground his ass back into Gabe’s crotch and the atmosphere shifted. Gabe attached his lips to William’s neck – feeling the boy’s ass so close to his cock. His dick twitched into life beneath William’s body. His boyfriend was beautiful and he desired him. Every inch of him. ‘Turning you on, huh?’ William whispered.

Gabe nodded. He had been so caught up in the sudden arousal that swept over him that he didn’t notice the door handle twist. He didn’t realise the door was open until a voice disturbed them both.

‘Wh-what is going on here?’ Gerard shrieked.

Both of them stared upwards. Gerard stood there in the doorway wide eyed with his hands on his hips and waited there. William pounced out of Gabe’s lap like a cat from water and the boy’s breathing was wrecked. Fuck. He looked like he was about to have a panic attack… Gabe wasn’t doing much better – his heart was running a fucking marathon- but he’d promised that he would protect William so that was his first response.

‘Bilvy – Bilvy – look at me. Just look,’ Gabe soothed. ‘It’s going to be okay. Breathe. I need you to wait outside, okay?’

Gerard opened his mouth to speak but obviously thought better of it. ‘Gabe – he – he knows – he – he,’ William wheezed out. He was shaking. Gabe’s heart swelled but Gerard was _right there_ ; an obstruction to comforting him.

‘Baby, look at me.’ William glanced up and stared into the barrel of Gabe’s eyes. ‘I’m going to be right out, alright? Don’t worry.’

William nodded. He silently skulked past Gerard and closed the door behind him.

   _This_ was really the icing on the cake of a shitty day.

‘Whatever you’re thinking – just don’t,’ Gabe sighed.

‘I’m thinking that you owe me an explanation, Gabe,’ Gerard snapped. He stepped forward with a pout and arms folded tightly to his chest.

‘It’s not what you’re thinking, Gee. We’re in love,’ Gabe splayed his hands defensively. Gerard raised an eyebrow. ‘Really – I know there’s so many stories about teachers fucking their students; abusing them but it’s not like that. I’ve never – I would never -,’ Gabe stumbled over the words. _How could he do that? How could anyone?_ ‘I care about him _so much_ and – you don’t know him like I do. You know what he shows you but that’s not the same thing, Gee.’

Gerard shifted from foot to foot. ‘So… You two are…?’

‘Dating,’ Gabe sighed.

‘Is there anything else that I should know?’ Gerard hissed.

Gabe breathed out. _Gerard had a right to know, didn’t he?_ If Gerard knew; maybe he could help… Carrying William’s weight alone was _crushing_ him. ‘This isn’t easy to tell you - ,’ Gabe hesitated. He was doing this to protect William; to save them; to save him. ‘William – William has -,’ Gabe struggled. His mouth was full of glue and his body was heavy. Gerard swayed his head expectantly. ‘He has an – an eating disorder – and – I’ve been trying to help him get through it… It’s actually been kind of difficult to cope with,’ Gabe sniffed. He wasn’t about to cry. He wasn’t. He blinked back his wet eyes. ‘Nothing that I do helps – it’s like I’m watching him do it through a glass wall and no matter how much I scream and bang at the glass; he doesn’t hear – he doesn’t stop. He barely even notices and it’s _killing_ me – being so fucking helpless.’ Gabe let his eyes fall to his feet because he didn’t want Gerard to know that he was on the verge of tears. Gerard was a good man with an honest heart; he moved forward to stroke Gabe’s back.

‘Does anybody else know?’ Gerard questioned. _How could Gerard be so cool?_

Gabe shrugged. _He certainly hadn’t told anyone._ ‘I don’t think so.’ Unless Andy counted… ‘Maybe a few of Bilvy’s friends might – I don’t know.’

‘Well…’ Gerard hummed thoughtfully. ‘If nobody else knows about this and _it is as innocent as you claim_ \- then… We’ll say that you handed in your notice,’ Gerard smiled.

‘Gee -,’ Gabe splattered. ‘I can’t quit – I don’t have another job lined up – I have _bills_ ,’ Gabe protested.

‘If you love William and you don’t want to get found out then you know this is the right thing to do,’ Gerard hushed. Gerard was using _that tone_ – the tone that he often reserved for students. ‘We’ll say that your leaving date is yet unknown and I’ll give you a good reference. You can get another teaching job – or a different career altogether.’

Gabe gnawed at his bottom lip. It was the right thing but he wanted to be near William – _what if William had a panic attack at school and he wasn’t there?_ Alas, Gerard had cornered him. He was willing to turn a blind eye as long as Gabe agreed and Gabe guessed that he had very little choice in this. ‘Okay,’ Gabe nodded. ‘But I can’t leave until I’ve found a new job and we’ll need to come up with a plausible enough reason.’

‘We can surely think of something. For now, I’ll be keeping a closer eye on William. He’s waiting. You should -,’ Gerard advised. ‘I’m not trying to punish you. This is for your own good, Gabe.’

‘I know,’ Gabe whispered. ‘Thankyou for being so understanding about this. If anything else happens – I promise that you won’t be implicated.’

Gerard offered Gabe a weak smile. Gabe picked up his belongings and stalked out the office with them. William still seemed jittery when Gabe clasped eyes on him. ‘Come on,’ Gabe called. William walked with him to the car and they both slipped inside. They rode back in complete silence.

   Gabe dropped his possessions onto the floor because he was too numb to care about placing on the table neatly. William was still quiet next to him. When Gabe found the chance to scrutinise William he couldn’t ignore his far too prominent collarbone or how tightly his skin hugged his arms. Gabe stared the boy down; deep into his soul. William was the first to peer away. Gabe reached out to the boy bringing him into his body. They made out – tongues wrapping around each other desperately as their lips mingled in union. Gabe’s heart throbbed in his chest. William had too many problems – he didn’t need to know about their agreement. William was the first to break the contact.

‘So – what did Gerard say?’

‘Bilvy,’ Gabe murmured. ‘Do you trust me?’

‘Of course,’ William smiled abruptly. ‘More than anybody in this world.’

‘Then, just don’t worry about it. Gerard’s not going to tell anyone and he’s not going to break us up, okay?’

William lingered for a minute, his fingers fiddling with his hair. ‘O-okay,’ William nodded.

Gabe throw his arms around William – his fingertips traced down his back, resting on William’s ass gently. _Damn, it felt great to feel him again._ William’s head rested into the back of Gabe’s neck.

‘Are you hungry?’ Gabe whispered.

William exhaled heavily against his skin. Gabe shuddered. _Why was meal time always so complicated?_


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is extremely graphic - please do not read if you have abuse or eating disorder triggers. Stay safe.
> 
> Also, I've tried to format it differently. What do you guys think?
> 
> Thankyou for reading and all your continued support as always!

 

**This chapter is extremely graphic - please do not read if you have abuse or eating disorder triggers. Stay safe.**

 

Things had gone from bad to worse. William wasn’t eating _anything_. He had boycotted food altogether. Food disgusted him. Every undistracted thought was consumed by how fat, ugly or undesirable he was. He meant it this time. He was never swallowing food again. His skin had started to dry: he noticed that morning when he stepped out of the shower. His stomach ached from deep inside his intestines but he didn’t care how much his body resisted this – he was fat and it was for his own good – unless he wanted to be unhealthy; unless he wanted Gabe to realise how blindingly unattractive he was and leave him. _Then where would he be?_ Gabe sprung from the sofa where William was lying beside him under the blanket. He danced towards the stove and switched the pasta off as it bubbled away.

‘Dinner’s ready,’ Gabe sang. William sported a concerned expression. Nevertheless, he slowly shuffled towards the table and sat on the stool closest to him. ‘You’re eating it, okay?’ William darted a sceptical glance in his direction.

‘Okay, I’ll eat some of it,’ William agreed. He wanted Gabe to be happy. He wanted to do this but he couldn’t. He knew that he _couldn’t_.

William attempted to begin with. He wove the spaghetti around his fork and swallowed it down his sore throat. After five mouthfuls he was starting to feel nauseous, he placed his fork on the faux wooden surface staring down at the poison in front of him. He hadn’t eaten a proper meal in over a week. _Fat. Fat. Fat. Fat. FatFatFatFatFat._

‘Come on. Compromises. You eat this and I’ll let you stay tonight then I’ll drive you back tomorrow.’

‘I can stay here?’ William asked excitedly.

‘Yeah, but only if you eat five more forkfuls,’ Gabe sighed.

William picked his fork back up and looked down at the spaghetti in the bowl. It stared back at him. _You’re disgusting. You’re fat. Don’t do it. He’ll leave you. Don’t._ He couldn’t; he _wouldn’t_ put _that_ into his body. He simply couldn’t bring himself to – not anymore; not for Gabe; not _anyone_. In fact, even thinking about it was making him feel sick. He felt his throat open up. He truly loved Gabe – he wanted to start a whole different life with him away from the pain that home had come to encompass – however, he wasn’t capable of swimming against the current; the waves of his thoughts swept him away to drown.

‘I can’t,’ William sniffed. ‘I can’t.’

Gabe stared over at him. ‘Yes, you can. Five more mouthfuls, _come on_.’

‘No, I can’t,’ William repeated, his voice wheezing. William stood up from the barstool.

‘Where are you going?’

‘To the bathroom…’

Gabe’s face contorted. ‘No, you’re not!’ Gabe raised his voice.

‘Yes, I am. I have to,’ William huffed back.

‘Please – please don’t. You can stay anyway – _I want you to stay_ – just please, Bilvy, don’t. Please don’t,’ Gabe begged.

William shook his head. _Fat. Ugly. Worthless. He doesn’t mean it. He is lying to you. Who could ever love you?_

‘Fine. I’m coming with you.’

‘What? No - you’re not,’ William stuttered.                                                                          

‘So what? I’m supposed to watch television whilst you’re doing _that_ in _my bathroom_. I don’t think so.’

‘No. Please stay here,’ William whispered.

‘Let me hold your hair. If you’re going to do it, I want you to be as comfortable as possible,’ Gabe hissed.

_Why not let him see? What does it matter? You’re worthless. You’re ugly. He’ll leave you anyway – what does it matter?_ William thought about it. He felt like nothing. He felt invisible. He wanted to be so thin that he could disappear. What did it matter if Gabe watched him? Maybe this would be the wakeup call Gabe needed to realise how much he deceived himself that he was in love with him.

 

William remained silent. He started walking towards the bathroom. He couldn’t think of anything else but that voice telling him that he was disgusting; telling him he had no other choice. He had submitted himself to it. He didn’t care anymore. He just couldn’t bring himself to care. Gabe was quick to follow him. William opened the door and kneeled down next to the bowl. He’d usually run the taps but there was little purpose to that – Gabe was the only person present and he was _watching_. He ripped the toilet paper from the roll and cleaned the seat then lifted it up to clean the porcelain underneath it. Gabe came in behind him and kneeled down, pulling the dark hair back from his face. William swallowed.

‘Please – _please_ – you can still change your mind,’ Gabe whispered.

William ignored him. He felt _so sick_. He felt so full and he hated it – that fat feeling, the feeling that he would be alone forever. _Do it. Do it. Do it._ William felt Gabe’s fingers brushing against his back softly. William bent over the bowl and he stared into the water. He pushed his left hand into the hard material of the lavatory and he opened his mouth, pressing his index and his middle finger from his right down his mouth until he gagged. He continued, sticking his fingers as far down his throat as he could and he gagged again – a third and fourth time. He felt Gabe hands gently rubbing circles into his back. Sometimes, it took a few attempts to get the desired effect but William knew that Gabe was already aware of that.

Then, the fifth time it happened, and William pushed his face further into the bowl as his stomach screamed, eyes watered and his throat burnt – the acid rose painfully up his throat and out of his mouth, he coughed and groaned as the vomit fused with toilet water. William did it again, until he felt satisfied with the emptiness that burnt all over his body. He turned around to smile at Gabe, with blood red eyes and rosy cheeks. Gabe brushed his cheek with his hand so silently and grabbed some toilet paper to dab at William’s mouth until his face was clean.

 

‘I’m tired. Do you mind if we just go to bed?’ William asked quietly, breaking the silence.

‘Sure. Go and get ready – I’ll be in just a sec,’ Gabe nodded. William couldn’t pretend to be ignorant of the strain in Gabe’s voice nor the man’s wet eyes. He didn’t want to acknowledge any of it – anything that made it seem like Gabe’s feelings were _real_. William drifted out, travelling into the bedroom. He was too tired to even care about anything else. He struggled out of his jeans, climbing into the bed and lying there – his body ached and his head sobbed. He wanted to take his t-shirt off but he didn’t want Gabe to see how disgusting he was; how hideous he looked. He just focused on the snuggly feeling that came with the soft, clean linen. Gabe walked in, undressing quickly and jumping around the other side of the double bed.

‘You can take your shirt off, you know – if you’ll feel comfortable,’ Gabe smirked.

William frowned. ‘No – I – I don’t want you to see me.’

Gabe’s eyebrows knotted together in frustration. ‘Don’t. Don’t say that. You know I think you’re beautiful,’ Gabe sighed.

William smiled. He threw the covers away to tear his t-shirt away from his body and place it on the floor. He turned to watch Gabe’s face falter. William bent down to pick it up again.

‘See, I’m horrible,’ William sniffed.

‘No,’ Gabe corrected defensively. ‘You’re just so _thin_.’ William’s ribs stuck out, almost piercing through his skin. Gabe shifted closer towards him, his arms squeezing around the boy’s body. Gabe kissed the boy’s neck. ‘Lay back for me,’ Gabe murmured into the boy’s skin.

William nodded as Gabe laid back onto his side of the bed. William rested his head against Gabe’s shoulder purring as Gabe’s fingers flitted through his hair. ‘This has to stop. I won’t let you do this to yourself anymore. It has to stop – I thought that I was helping you but I’m not. I won’t watch you kill yourself.’

William stared up at him. ‘I can’t – I can’t stop,’ William coughed back.

‘Yes, you can. Shit,’ Gabe wailed. ‘I’d never seen it like that before. I was anorexic for so long and I never once saw it like that. Bilvy, you can’t keep going like this. You’ve left me no choice – if things don’t improve I’m going to have to tell your mom.’

‘What?’ William shouted, sitting up. ‘Why would you do that? If you tell her, I’ll tell everyone about us; that you fucked me before I was even legal.’

‘I don’t care. If that’s what it takes to get you healthy then I don’t give a fuck. There are people that _love_ you; people that would do anything to see you get better. I – I can’t do this because you’re not co-operating.’

‘I don’t want their help – I only want _yours_ ,’ William cried.

‘Well, if you’re not willing to even try then there’s nothing that I can do. I don’t want to see you in a hospital bed but if that’s what we’re looking at now then that’s where this will go,’ Gabe sighed.

‘No – you can’t – _you wouldn’t_ ,’ William screamed. _Doesn’t love you. He doesn’t love you._

Gabe’s face only conveyed sympathy and love. ‘Bilvy, please, baby – listen to me – you’re killing yourself and I can’t watch you do that. I don’t want you to end up in hospital; that’s the very last place where I want to see you but we’re running out of options here. You’re forcing my hand, Bilvy. I only do this stuff because I care about you but if tonight has made me realise anything – it’s that you need professional help.’

‘No. No. No. Gabe; _please_ ,’ William pleaded.

‘Baby,’ Gabe breathed. His voice was as low as murmur. ‘I love you so much and I want you to be happy but I’m not sure that we can do this on our own anymore.’

William laid back down – he buried his face deep into Gabe’s chest; feeling the man’s fingers trace down his spine; inhaling the man’s scent into lungs – it was better than breathing oxygen. William shivered. ‘I love you too. Please don’t do this,’ William sniffed. _He wasn’t going to cry._ ‘I can try harder.’

‘Bilvy, you’ve already made me a thousand promises -,’ Gabe huffed.

‘No,’ William interjected. ‘I can really try this time,’ William whispered. _Try to get better at hiding it from you._

‘I really don’t want to see you in hospital, babe. God – when I went in there; it was the worst thing that ever happened to me. Some hospitals - they aren’t nice places, Bilvy. I don’t want to send you in there,’ Gabe gulped.

‘Wh-what do you mean?’ William blinked. He brought his face up to rest on Gabe’s shoulder again.

 

Gabe exhaled deeply. ‘Baby, when I went in there – they treated me so awfully. I’d be so worried that it was happening to you - even if it wasn’t.’

‘What happened?’ William questioned in earnest. Gabe didn’t meet his guise. ‘Tell me.’

‘It was when I was eighteen – my parents checked me into this hospital. The Psych Ward was a really unprotected area of the hospital – like: _you’re all crazy; why should we worry about you?_. The staff were okay at first. They talked kindly and did all the necessary jobs that one would expect them to do. I heard screaming every now and then but I thought nothing of it at the time – I mean, they were other patients there too; all liable to have a breakdown so I just kind of assumed that’s what that was,’ Gabe puffed. He peeked down at William to find him intently engaged in the story and decided to carry on.

‘Well… After a while I still hadn’t settled in and I still wasn’t eating meals; I didn’t want to go to therapy and the staff had threatened to have me moved somewhere else a few times but I never really payed much attention to that. One night they tried to make me eat again – they said it was my last chance and I ignored them; I still didn’t want to eat and I didn’t. So, the next night – I was awoken by a really fucking painful feeling in my wrists and when I opened my eyes – I realised that somebody was pulling at them; I struggled against it but somebody was clawing my ankles too. I was fucking terrified, baby. I didn’t know what was happening. I just remember waking up in a different room and there was less noise outside in the hallway and it seemed different – hardly like a hospital room at all – there wasn’t a glass window and I was so scared. Eventually, a nurse came in and told me that this was just a procedure in my programme and I stupidly believed her,’ Gabe choked.

‘That evening, instead of bringing me a meal to eat – these two doctors came in with straps… I had no idea what was happening, Bilvy. They tied me down and they forced fed me,’ Gabe told the boy, forcing back tears. ‘They told that they had given me a chance and that this was the only way I was going to get better. It hurt so much. My throat felt like it was going to fucking split and when they let me go - _I was so tired_ ; I had fucking bruises from where they’d strapped me down. It carried on for a few weeks until my parents came to visit and the nurse left us alone long enough for me to tell them what had been happening. I was lucky. My parents had friends in the council – they had that facility shut down and they took me to a place that was safe and I finished my treatment just fine. Fuck, Bilvy. You can’t even imagine how terrified I was for those few weeks… I never want you to go through that. I never even want you to see the inside of a psych ward. But you’re not making this easy. _I know that what happened to me was unlucky; it was rare_ and most places are okay. Just the thought of you going in there…. The prospect of not seeing you every day or falling asleep next to you at night…’ Gabe trailed off. ‘I really do love you. You have to believe me!’

‘I love you too,’ William mouthed back. His eyes were watery. His heart was breaking that the man he loved most in this world was tortured through something like that. ‘I can try harder,’ William repeated. ‘I promise.’ He had no idea how but he needed to reassure Gabe.

Gabe peered down at him and pecked him tenderly on the head. ‘You look tired, sweetie. You should get some rest. It’s been a long day.’

_It had been a long day._ ‘Okay,’ William agreed.

‘Is there anything you want?’

‘Just you,’ William replied. _Always you. Only you. Forever._

‘Well, I’m going to grab a drink. You just close your eyes and I’ll be right back, okay?’

‘Okay, sure,’ William nodded.

 

He plunged himself into darkness. His side felt comfortable against the softness of the mattress and he wriggled his feet against the duvet; it was in those moments only that William’s body wasn’t saturated with unease. Gabe must have thought he was out of hearing distance from the sitting room but William could hear him quite audible.

‘Hey, mom. No, everything’s fine,’ Gabe chuckled. ‘I just wanted to tell you that I’m so sorry for everything I’ve put you through these last few years. I love you so much.’ Gabe laughed lightly at a response William couldn’t hear. ‘I just never realised how difficult it was for you until now and I’m thankful for all your support. God, I love you,’ Gabe sniffed. The conversation preceded into things that William didn’t really understand – about Ohio and Gabe’s family so he let Gabe continue his conversation as background noise as sleep claimed him. The last thing that William was conscious of was Gabe’s arms curling around his body as he slotted in next to him; guilt infiltrated every inch of William’s mind. _I love you so much even though I know that_ _you’d be better off without me. You’d be happier that way – wouldn’t you?_ At least, in Gabe’s arms he felt at peace; he was safe. _Keep me safe inside your arms like towers. Tower over me._

 


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. Firstly, sorry this has taken longer than usual but I have two more updates coming really soon. I was going to give you three chapters straight up but I finished this chapter and just thought that I might as well not keep you waiting as long.  
> Also sorry for the formatting but AO3 hates me and it took me a really long time to get this chapter up because AO3 kept crashing on me. 
> 
> Secondly, the amazing Bilvybear on tumblr made this awesome Mess Playlist which you could find at this url: https://8tracks.com/anon_501659788/we-ve-got-a-big-mess-on-our-hands or alternatively I converted the playlist to YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL7lrGouQ8R6zpXNap3xrJt5xJjhS8jqe-
> 
> Thirdly, if anyone else decides to make anything related to this fic such as art or playlists, anything really, please let me know. My tumblr is: http://watabi12-composes-burlesques.tumblr.com/ so you can message me on there or tag me in things if you should wish to. 
> 
> Lastly, thankyou so much for reading! It literally makes me smile to know that people are reading my writing and actually liking it so thankyou.

William opened his eyes to the white morning light from his own bed. Gabe had driven back when he had stirred at eleven pm and they had both agreed it was probably easier if William didn’t stay because it was always more complicated driving William back at six am. His skin was dryer than he remembered it and he’d noticed a few weeks ago when he was brushing his hair that clumps were being collected in his hairbrush. He took such care to cover up the patches where hair no longer remained and he moisturised his skin twice a day to prevent the swelling from becoming alarmingly evident. He was sure that Gabe had noticed his skin but hadn’t commented on it. William was doing everything he could to deny himself of the facts. _It’s only dry skin. It’s just a little bit of brittle hair. You’re okay. You’re fine._ Waking up was undeniably the worst segment of every day. His body ached without fail; he felt nauseous, his stomach churned and his head thrashed. His eyes struggled under the weight of exhaustion. He dragged his lead limbs from the mattress and slowly dressed himself. He shuffled across to the bathroom in order to brush his teeth and wash and moisture his face. His mom had learnt by now that mornings were not a social time of day. She hardly spoke to him at all in the mornings, and though he felt guilty about isolating her, he just needed that time to be peaceful. It was when his body was the most painful and he just didn’t need anything else to contend with as well. He ate an apple for breakfast and he spent the whole journey to school feeling unbelievably sick. When he finally made it there – he just wanted to collapse onto a table somewhere and sleep the whole day away to compensate for the rest that he was gravely missing. He sighed as he walked across the yard.

‘Hey Bilvy!’ Ryan called.  
William pivoted to behold Ryan and Brendon approaching him. _Go away. You don’t care about me. You have Brendon now._ ‘Where you heading off to?’ Ryan asked. ‘You haven’t been around school again. Are you feeling alright?’  
‘Hey. Yeah. I’m fine. I’ve just been busy. How are you?’  
‘We’re okay, aren’t we?’ Ryan smiled. Brendon smirked in agreement. I’m glad that you’re so happy. That’s all I want for you. You’re better off without me anyway.  
‘Are you sure that you’re alright?’  
‘Yeah,’ William hissed.  
Ryan unhooked himself from Brendon’s grasp. ‘Babe, do you want to go find the others for a while? I’ll talk to you later,’ Ryan hinted and they pecked each other before Brendon was skipping away.  
‘Bye Bilvy. Hopefully see you later,’ Brendon grinned.  
‘You really didn’t have to -,’ William protested.  
‘Come on, Bilvy. I know that you’re not alright. You’re skinny as fuck - and pale. Your eyes look red. Are even sleeping or eating at all?’  
‘Ry, I’m fine. Jesus, you’re just like my fucking mother,’ William scowled.  
‘It’s only because we care about you, Bilvy.’ _Yeah, sure you do. Whatever._  
‘Well, I appreciate your concern but you don’t need to worry about me. I’m a big boy now. I can take care of myself.’  
‘Well… Clearly you can’t.’  
‘Why don’t you just leave me alone?’  
‘Because you’re my bestfriend and I love you,’ Ryan snapped.  
‘Love me so much that you never want to spend any time with me?’ William baited. Ryan’s guise dropped to his feet. ‘Look, I’m sorry. I’m just – I’m really happy that you are so happy so honestly it’s okay.’  
‘No. You’re completely right,’ Ryan breathed. ‘I’m really sorry. I have been spending too much time without you and that’s so inexcusable. But you haven’t made this easy for me, you know. You’re never around and you don’t reply to my messages.’  
‘Sorry,’ William shrugged.  
‘I don’t want an apology, idiot,’ Ryan beamed. ‘I want to be there for you but you have to let me. I can’t help you if you never want to tell me or speak to me. I really do love you, you know.’  
‘I just – things are pretty messy and I don’t want to drag you into all of this.’  
‘You don’t need to drag me – I’m coming into it willingly. You just need to let me. Come here,’ Ryan huffed. He stretched his arms around William’s body and William didn’t resist his embrace.  
‘Love you too,’ William sniffed. His heart warmed as Ryan held him. He spent so many hours of each day feeling isolated and alone. Ryan gave him a chink of light into the darkness that he had been struggling against; without Gabe there to guide him.

****

Three weeks had passed since William had let Gabe into the bathroom and go to school the next day and act as if everything was alright. That was exactly what William was persisting with. He stayed over at Gabe’s every weekend and maybe even a few week nights; when he couldn’t – they talked electronically for the whole night. As William shuffled towards Gerard’s office – he thought about some of their lighter conversations; aside from Gabe trying to fuss over him and check his food consumption. _Food is disgusting. It repulses me. I never want to eat again._ But he always reassured Gabe that he was eating enough and that everything was absolutely fine.  
_Gabe: What are you doing tonight?_  
_William: Not much. Watching Netflix. Guess that I should be studying… How about you?_  
_Gabe: Marking. Wish you were here with me though._  
_William: Same._  
_Gabe: Love you._  
_William: Love you too._  
_Gabe: Love you more._  
_William: Not possible.  
_ William’s heart skipped to remember it. All of their snapchats to each other at the same time of them pulling funny faces. William wanted to stay in those moments forever. Gabe made him happier than any other person ever had. He didn’t know where he would be without the man by his side. He dreaded to even imagine it…

William had a meeting scheduled with Gerard for last period and then he was getting the bus home. He was exhausted from the whole day by the time he reached Gerard’s office. He hadn’t spoken to him since he found about Gabe so he wasn’t expecting this to be pleasant. His heart thumped as he knocked on the door and he heard Gerard invite him in. William opened the door forward and peeked around into the room. The first thing that he noticed was that Gabe’s bags were tucked away under the second desk. William smiled lightly to himself. Gabe was in the same building as him. Only across the corridor; probably teaching a class. William breathed a sigh of relief just from thinking about Gabe being so close by.  
‘Good afternoon William,’ Gerard beamed.  
‘Hey, G-man,’ William shrugged. He flopped into the chair and dumped his bag beside him.  
‘How are you today?’ Gerard questioned. The man dropped his pen and glanced up to establish eye contact with William. William tried his best not to avert it.  
‘I’m fine thanks. How are you?’  
‘I’m very well thankyou, Bilvy. Do you know why you’re back here again?’  
‘Because you love my company so much?’ William mocked.  
Gerard let out a small, amused expression. ‘No. Your progress is dipping again. Would you like to offer me an explanation?’ Gerard sighed.  
William immediately dropped his guise into his hands and his whole body slumped. ‘No reason,’ William muttered. _I’m fat and stupid. I can’t do it anyway. I hate myself. I’m so fucking tired all the time. I don’t even need these stupid grades. I’m not going to college._  
‘What are you going to do after you finish school, Bilvy? If you’re not going to college – you’ll need to use your grades to work. It’s really important. This is real life. So – come on, what’s up?’  
William wasn’t telling Gerard now – not after he had hidden this secret for so long. It was bad enough that he knew about Gabe. ‘Look, there’s nothing wrong. I just don’t see the point, okay?’ William snapped. Gerard pursued his lips.  
‘Bilvy – why are you getting so defensive? Are you sure there’s nothing else that you want to tell me? Finding out about Gabe was a – a massive shock and you conducted that pretty silently so if there’s anything else that you’re hiding then I would rather you told me thus better equipping me to help you. I’m only saying this because I care.’ _All these lies._  
‘G-Man – there’s nothing wrong, okay? I’m surprised you’re even being so chill about Gabe…’  
‘Well,’ Gerard puffed. ‘If you two are going to be discrete then it’s really none of my concern… As long as you want to and you feel completely safe with Gabe? He’s never -,’ Gerard grappled.  
‘No. Of course he hasn’t. He’s not some predator. We’re in love. You’ve met the guy – you know that he’s a real amazing man… How could you even ask me that?’ William hissed.  
‘I have a duty of care to ask these questions, Bilvy.’  
‘Well – you don’t need to worry about that with Gabe. He makes me feel safe. Everything is so much better with Gabe there. I really love him. He’s better than I deserve, to be honest,’ William swallowed. It was true. Gabe was a saint.  
‘Bilvy, that’s not at all true. You’re so young and you have such a long life ahead of you. You and I both know that you’re a really good person. You’ve been through a lot for your age and there’s bound to be a few bumps in every road but you have every chance of turning this around still – if you study for this last term. We both that you’re an intelligent, capable young man that could succeed if you only applied yourself. I have every faith in you but whatever this is – it’s not going to last forever.’  
_No. No. No. I don’t know that at all._ ‘Why don’t you just check my outline sheet and then we can finish this? There’s only twenty minutes until the bell,’ William hissed.  
Gerard shook his head. ‘Fine but I’m always here if you need to talk.’  
‘I know,’ William nodded.

He endured another painful twenty minutes in Gerard’s office and then he rode the school bus home – sharing earbuds with Ryan on his ipod for the duration of the journey. They stumbled in different directions home. William was alone with only his thoughts for company. His thoughts were far from his friends. He hated them because they just repeated the same things over and over again. _Fat. Ugly. Useless. Stupid. Hopeless. Failure. Fat. Fat. Fat._ William shivered to even think about it. _Nobody cares about you. If you’re not living for yourself – you have nothing to live for because nobody loves you. Why would they? How could they? Look at you._ William unlocked his front door; his mom wasn’t home yet so he simply rushed up the stairs and into his bedroom.

He just wanted to take a break from that voice inside of his head for one second but it never ceased. It was there inside of him – every second of every day, cutting deeper and deeper with every minute that passed. William was desperate to drown out his head with anything at his disposable. _You’re all alone. Just me and you now, kid. William tried to convince himself that people did care but his protests were futile. Well… Where are they then? Too busy? No. They just hate you. They just see you for what you are. You think that any of them actually care? Do you think that they would even notice if you died? Do you? Your dad died just to get away from you._ William wasn’t going to break. He needed a distraction. He was falling behind in class again so he reached for his satchel and splayed out his English notes on his bed. _Yeah, good luck with that. We both know that you’re too useless to achieve anything. You can’t even last a single day without freaking out about tiny things._ William read over the papers. He reached for his laptop and watched as the screen loaded. He fidgeted anxiously as he signed in. The blank Word Document stared back at him. It was only two thousand words. He could write a decent essay; that would be his whole night if he really concentrated... He managed to write five hundred words before he halted. His muscles ached and his stomach was wreathing in pain. His head was drowning itself; suffocating him. His eyes were heavy with sleepless nights and all he wanted was to curl around himself on his bed for hours. William was too weak to resist the thoughts in his head. He dropped everything that he wanted to focus on. He laid there – still with shallow breathing. Tears slowly sliding down his cheeks as his eyes close under all of the burdens that William was constantly weighed down with.

The next thing that he knew there’s no light flooding the room through the window and when he shifted his position to face the clock – he realised that it’s almost nine. He blinked as his whole body convulsed and stirred into life. He felt nauseous and dead. Why didn’t his mom wake him up? He travelled down the stairs to hear noise from the living room. William peered in, his mom shined back at him.  
‘Hey darling. Are feeling okay? You look a little pale,’ the woman cooed.  
‘Wh-why didn’t you wake me up?’ William croaked out.  
‘You seemed so tired, sweetie. Are you okay? Come in here – let me look at you,’ she fussed.  
‘Mom. I’m fine,’ William snapped, remaining stationary in the doorway.  
‘I left dinner in the kitchen for you.’  
William could barely even breathe. He needed Gabe and he needed him now. Gabe was the only person that even had hope of saving him now. He needed to get to him. This house was stifling him. He needed to get out.  
‘It’s okay, mom. I’m actually going out,’ William breathed.  
‘What? Now? You have school tomorrow!’ the woman huffed.  
‘It’s okay. I’ll be back before school, I promise.’  
‘That’s not necessarily the issue, Bilvy. Baby, you’re in no fit state to go anywhere. Stay here tonight.’  
‘Mom. Will you stop fussing please? I’m fine,’ William screeched. ‘I just need to get out of here for a bit. I promise you that I’ll still be back in time for school tomorrow.’  
William dashed up the stairs to grab his cell, ipod and keys before slipping into his shoes and jacket. He knew how to get to Gabe’s flat. It was a twenty minute walk but maybe that would give him time to clear his head. The harsh January nights didn’t provide the best weather for walking but William didn’t care. Good. Hopefully I’ll freeze to death. He certainly was not dressed to combat winter weather – a flimsy leather jacket and skinny jeans that hugged his slender form were not equipped to fight the cold. William shivered as he inserted the earphones into his ears and steadily ambled down the street.

He absorbed everything. The stars that dimmed lightly in the sky under the harsh light pollution of the city; the crisp winter wind that snapped at his skin; the moon the sombrely beamed down, watching over the dormant night paths; the smell of earth and car fumes; the car lights the blinded him from time to time as he made his direction to Gabe. All moving. All living. All alive. He didn’t feel them; his whole body too numb to feel anything now. They all just pushed him forward – he wanted to escape them as well. All mocking him. All trying to appeal to his senses. If this is what it means to be human; to be alive then I don’t want to be anymore. William’s only aim was to lay in Gabe’s arms for a thousand years. The sharp buildings were so oppressive as he rushed by them. Everything caused him agony – bruises and blood seeping into his soul. _Who knew that humans were capable of suffering this much?_ By the time he reached the street that Gabe’s apartment dwelled on; his body was faltering. His heart was pounding and his entire body was closing down. His mom had been completely right. He was far too exhausted to be walking anywhere. His whole body was working overtime just to stay conscious. Someone was exiting the apartment as William approached it so he sped to catch the door. He panted when he finally stilled at the stairs.

His body temperature had plummeted and his entire vessel shook. He clung onto the rail as he climbed that stairs one by one; step at a time until he reached the landing. His breathing was rapid as the oxygen buzzed around his body. His fingertip applied pressure to the doorbell and waited, hands gripping onto the wall as he attempted to catch his breath back. He felt dizzy and his legs were starting to buckle. The door opened and William watched Gabe expression turn from one of shock to one of concern.

‘Bilvy – what are you doing here? It’s so late. Did you walk all of the way here?’  
William’s legs collapsed beneath him and his vision cut out. Everything fell silent. His head. The images around him. The pain.  
William’s eyes fluttered open as his senses awoke. He could feel Gabe’s fingers clutching onto his waist and his calve muscles.  
‘Wh-what happened? Are- are you carrying me?’ William whispered. It was only when he blinked again that he realised tears were streaming down his face.

‘Hey, baby. It’s alright. I’ve got you and I’m never letting go. Just go back to sleep. It’s okay. I’m going to keep you safe, I promise. Just close your eyes again. I’m going to make it all go away. I’m going to make all the pain disappear,’ Gabe hushed. He leant forward; his lips nudging the top of William’s forehead. William closed his eyes again as he muscles screamed and his head overloaded his consciousness with a thousand different reasons explaining why he didn’t deserve the life that he was currently wasting until there was silence. William tumbled into a deep sleep; his only awareness was Gabe’s warmth and steady breathing in the background.  
‘I have you now, baby. I love you so much. If it’s the last thing I do- I’m going to make it all go away.’


	24. Chapter 24

Gabe was becoming increasingly despondent. William spent at least three nights a week at his place but Gabe wasn’t stupid. Gabe knew when William was sneaking off to the bathroom. He had a decision to make. It really wasn’t going to be easy but Gabe really was left with no choice. William needed professional help; doctors were the only people that had the chance to help him now. Gabe wouldn’t ignore his skin or his lack of hair or even his sharp bones any longer. It was going to agonising but Gabe had to step up now. Whilst William was asleep; Gabe had logged into the school platform and found out the contact number for William’s household. Gabe’s heart was breaking – his chest was tight and his was throat dry. _This is the right thing. This is the best thing you can do now._ He checked the time; it was nine thirty five - that’s a little late… He seized his landline before he could change his mind and buried himself into the couch cushions, ensuring that the bedroom door was closed to conceal the sound of what was he was undertaking. He knew that William was going to _hate_ him for this. He tightened his eyelids as he listened to the phone ring. _You’re enabling it. You’re not helping him anymore. You tried but he needs more than you can give him. This is the right thing._

‘Hello?’ a woman on the other end answered. Her voice was soft but her tone was alarmed. _Maybe it really was too late to call…_

‘Mrs. Beckett?’ Gabe choked. ‘This is Mr. Saporta – I teach your son, William…’

‘Oh…’ she sighed.

‘I’m sorry that this call is so late into the evening but I’m sure that you can understand schedules of working people are always a little saturated,’ Gabe apologised. _Get a grip. Just do it already._

‘Of course. I completely understand. I’m assuming that you’re phoning to talk about Bilvy?’ she continued, completely undeterred by Gabe’s hesitant tone.

‘I don’t suppose it would be possible for me to drop by tomorrow to discuss his progress. I imagine you work? So… that will probably be the easiest situation for you? I know that this is short notice.’

‘Well… Yeah, I do. I don’t want to -,’ the woman started.

‘Not at all, Mrs Beckett. It’s perfectly fine. School times don’t fit around most parents’ schedules but I can easily drop by your house to save you coming all the way into school for no more than half an hour.’

‘Well… That would be much better for me… Are you allowed to do that?’

‘Absolutely.’ _No. Probably not._ ‘I can get your address from the system,’ Gabe informed her. Gabe established a time for them to meet; Gabe wasn’t teaching last period tomorrow – all teachers had a few absent slots to enable better time management. ‘Okay. Thankyou. I’ll see you then,’ Gabe swallowed.  _That was it._ Gabe was going to tell her everything and William was going to recover. It didn’t matter how much it cost. Nothing else mattered except that William was getting better.

Gabe knew that William was going to hate him for this but it was a small price to pay if it meant saving William from further decay. Gabe stood up and placed the phone back in its cradle; he crept silently into the bedroom and curled himself around William’s body; nesting his face into William’s neck and wrapping his limbs around him like a blanket. William pressed himself back into Gabe’s warmth but hardly stirred at all.

  Gabe blinked back into life at about one am – he needed to take William home. He was so fucking stubborn sometimes. It was too late to be starting a disagreement.

‘I’m not going home. Can’t we just go back to sleep?’

‘No, baby. You need to go to sleep in your own bed. The mornings are bad enough without trying to get you home,’ Gabe sighed.

‘Please. I don’t want to sleep alone,’ William whined. Gabe wanted to ask him about what had happened tonight; why William had even walked the distance to his house. Gabe knew that this was the last night before William wouldn’t be able to sleep next to him. His heart ached at the thought.

‘Well… I guess this one time,’ Gabe smiled. They laid back under the duvet of the double bed and William rested his head on Gabe bare chest; where Gabe had undressed to go to sleep.

‘Touch me. Will you t-touch me?’ William pandered.

Gabe’s jaw clenched. They hadn’t had sex in almost a month. Gabe felt so uncomfortable about having sexual activity with William in such a vulnerable state. He loved the boy. The last thing that he wanted was to hurt him. He still touched him; intimate touches – to reassure him that he still wanted it. He was never going to not sexually desire William – he just couldn’t bring himself to take advantage of him though. He wasn’t sure if he even was taking advantage of him but it sure _felt_ like he would be.

‘Bilvy,’ Gabe croaked.

‘Don’t you want to? Don’t you want me anymore?’ William blinked.

‘No. That couldn’t be further from the truth. You’re beautiful.’

William stared up at him from his position on Gabe’s chest. Gabe hands roamed; his left stroking at William’s collarbone, sticking out from under his t-shirt; the other loosely brushing against William’s throat. William wriggled into his hand, swallowing against it. Gabe instantly shifted it to William’s shoulder.

‘That felt nice,’ William breathed.

Gabe shivered. _What did the boy want? To be choked?_ ‘Bilvy, I really think that -,’ Gabe cautioned.

‘Please. Touch me,’ William repeated, almost begging. He pushed himself onto his knees; eyes locking with Gabe’s. ‘I need to feel you.’

His flesh was dry; his hair was falling out; there were deep circles under his eyes; his bones were protruding out of his skin; he was white as snow and cold as death. Gabe certainly was not going to fuck him. He wasn’t even sure that his body would be capable of taking that.

‘I’ll touch you,’ Gabe swallowed. ‘I’m not going to fuck you or jerk you off or anything.’ William’s lips pouted, nonetheless he nodded. ‘Lay down,’ Gabe whispered gently.

    William obeyed him; setting himself back against the sheets of the bed. Gabe held his breath as he moved to straddle William. He rested almost all his weight on his knees; intently attempting to put no pressure on William’s body. Everything about this was so wrong but Gabe couldn’t pass up the last opportunity he would get to satisfy the man that he loved. William appeared so exhausted. His eyes were hooded and his breathing was raspy. Gabe’s hand reattached delicately to William’s throat; it was nothing more than a feather light hold; barely even evident at all. William whimpered; pushing himself into Gabe’s hand and Gabe let him. William didn’t lean into his palm with any commitment; Gabe was going to persevere with this; he could _enjoy_ this if he just blocked out his head. After all, he was barely even performing a sexual act at all – his motions resembled chaste physical intimacy. Gabe pulled his hand back in order to nuzzle at William’s throat; his lips pressed up his skin gradually and along the line of his jaw. William gasped for air beneath him.

‘Thankyou,’ the boy murmured. ‘This feels so good.’

Gabe groaned back at him because he didn’t know what he could possibly say. He placed his lips to William’s and dominated his mouth; William’s body leaned up into Gabe’s as he kissed back furiously; hungry for anything Gabe would give him. Gabe’s heart shuddered. William’s breathing shook as Gabe’s tongue twirled around William’s; rendering him even more desperate. Gabe hoisted himself away to be met with William’s red lips and spasming body.

‘I’m going to lift your shirt up. Is that okay?’ Gabe questioned.

William nodded; scrunching his eyelids tight and resting his spine into the mattress. His hand danced the hem of William’s t-shirt. Gabe didn’t want to look at William’s body because he simply couldn’t bear to witness his skin that tight to his internal organn. He dragged the material up painfully slowly; revealing William’s slender stomach; William’s jeans were resting around his hips and his lower abominable muscles slanted into a ‘V’ shape underneath his waistband. William shrugged out of his t-shirt. Gabe hastily licked at the skin on the boy’s tummy. William moaned, low and dark. Gabe didn’t stop – he tongued William’s skin and the boy keened in appreciation. Gabe hands slipped away from William’s waist to search for his wrists and he pinned them down by William’s side. ‘Thankyou,’ William puffed. ‘Oh _God_.’

William was hard in his jeans and he rubbed himself against Gabe. Gabe continued to kiss at the boy’s skin for a few more minutes with whines escaping from William’s mouth. William’s breathing was erratic when Gabe finally decided that what was a necessity for both of them right now was sleep. William panted against the bed covers; struggling to catch his breath. Gabe almost couldn’t look at him.

‘Sleep now,’ Gabe whispered into William’s ear, stroking his long hair back from his face. ‘Want to take your jeans off?’

‘In a minute,’ William puffed. His bones still rattling. Gabe’s stomach flooded with guilt. _I should have said no._

‘I can do it,’ Gabe beamed. He reached down to unbutton William’s jeans and unfasten the zip – William’s back arched in order to allow Gabe to lovingly roll the denim down his skeleton legs. Gabe folded them neatly and dropped them to the carpet.

‘You do love me; don’t you?’ William inaudibly breathed.

‘Of course I do. More than anything else in the entire galaxy,’ Gabe hummed back. He pecked at William’s temples from the boy’s side before lifting the blanket over both of their bodies and plastering himself to William’s back; hands resting gently on the boy’s hips as he turned on his side to fall back into the clutches of sleep.

‘Love you too,’ William muttered.

‘Sleep,’ Gabe breathed. His lips ghosted at the back of William’s neck as they both silently slipped into a drowsiness together for what, Gabe knew, would be the final time in months.

****

Gabe was devoid of all energy in the morning. They had to wake up early to ensure that William was home in time for school. After he had driven the deserted roads of Chicago, early in the daytime – watching as the sky dawned rosy and listening to the birds chirp at the sunlight – Gabe only had an hour before he would need to be in his car again; driving to school. He was still searching for a different job; so far he had applied to three positions in different schools and two hospitality jobs. Only two had even bothered giving him interviews and this weekend he was planning on spending its entirety searching for employment. He sleepily dropped his possessions into his shared office with Gerard and headed to his classroom. He was going to have a different place of work by the time that William came out of hospital – _that was the main thing_. Gabe barely made it until lunchtime. He lazily strolled out of his classroom and down the corridor – rebuking some children that were deliberately holding up the line as the corridor buzzed with pupils. He had tucked some cold, ready-made pasta into the fridge. He entered the staffroom to find the teachers already engaged within conversation.

‘Want a coffee?’ Victoria offered. ‘I’m making one already so…’

Gabe agreed gratefully. He fucking loved Victoria and she hadn’t been too pleased to find out about his departure from the school.

‘Saporta! There you are,’ Mikey sang. ‘We were just talking about having a day out this Saturday. You have to come,’ Mikey enthused.

Gabe inched towards the fridge to grab his food and a fork from the cupboards; then situating himself next to Mikey; wondering where Gerard had been detained. ‘Where are you going?’

‘ _We’re_ going to New York. Come on.’

‘It’s winter,’ Gabe chuckled.

‘It’s almost Spring,’ Mikey shrugged.

Gabe had been so caught up in everything that he’d barely even registered Christmas at all. He knew that he gave out a few presents and called his mom; that there was some kind of Christmas party… It had all slipped by him. ‘It’s a twelve hour drive,’ Gabe huffed.

‘It’ll be worth it though. It’s one weekend,’ Victoria sang.

‘Who else is coming?’

‘Some people,’ Lyn replied.

‘Okay… So Lyn and Gee are sharing a room _obviously_. Then, Iero and Ray because Ray is the only one that can ignore his fucking comments; Vic and Tay and you and me,’ Mikey counted.

‘How can you even book that many rooms for Friday?’ Gabe laughed.

‘I know a guy in New York that owns a hotel; we were best friends before I moved back to Chicago,’ Mikey smirked.

‘He just said that you can have four rooms…?’

‘He owes me,’ Mikey muttered.

‘Mikey used to pretend to be his boyfriend when girls would hit on him. Gee told me they used to kiss,’ Lyn giggled.

‘Shut up. We did not. It was _twice_ and I was really drunk. I was in college. He’s a good looking guy. If I was gay; I so would though.’

Lyn rolled her eyes. ‘Are you sure that you’re not gay?’

‘No,’ Mikey laughed. ‘I just know a good looking man when I see one.’

‘So – are you coming, Saporta?’ Victoria interjected.

Gabe sighed. It wasn’t like William was going to be there to prevent him. He was going to give William some space; he needed it – more than he would ever admit to himself; they both did. Gabe still didn’t want to leave though. He really did have to search for jobs this weekend and if everyone was gone – there would be no distractions at all and no excuses. ‘I’m sorry, guys. I just can’t,’ Gabe apologised. Mikey frowned in disappointment but that faltered when Gerard finally entered the staffroom. After eating and chatting, Gerard made an exit and Gabe decided to accompany him; he actually required Gerard to help him with the difficult few days ahead. He had been drowning out the feeling of hopelessness and despondency that had been surging through his veins since his decision yesterday. He repeated the same mantra to himself. _You need to carry on. You have to carry on. It hurts but you have no other choice but to act like normal._ The truth was that Gabe’s heart was breaking; fracturing away – part by part and only William had the power to restore that. Alas, William couldn’t even save himself.

   They shuffled back to the office together. Gerard had already sensed something awry with Gabe before they reached their destination. Gabe and Gerard had been looking after William together since he found out; exchanging notes and details about his progress; keeping tabs on him – just to check that he was alright.

‘What’s this really about?’ Gerard pouted as soon as they were behind the closed door. Gabe placed his bag on the floor; flopping onto his desk as Gerard perched on his own. ‘Is it Bilvy?’

Gabe silently affirmed Gerard’s query. ‘I need your help. I thought that I could cope with this by myself but I can’t; not anymore – it’s all gone too far. I’m letting him kill himself, Gee,’ Gabe choked, tears flooding down his face from nowhere. Gerard darted closer, placing a reassuring arm around him, squeezing his shoulder – it did nothing to deter Gabe’s tears; not even a century of comforting words had the capability to mend his heart now. ‘I thought that if I kept going; if I continued to support him that I could save him, you know? But I can’t now. I don’t think that I ever could. I’m going to see his mom tonight and explain everything to her. Under circumstances – I doubt that she’s going to call the cops on me and she’s probably going to come to the conclusion that has been evitable all along. I wish that I had done something sooner; _fuck, this is all my fault._ Gee,’ Gabe wept. ‘I need you to make the necessary arrangements for when Bilvy goes into hospital. Can you do that for me?’ Gabe bawled. His throat dried; his eyes stung and his heart ached as it beat out of time. His whole body throbbed. _His heart was splintering apart._

Gerard nodded; tears threateningly close to his own eyelids. He squeezed Gabe harder. ‘I will. I’m so sorry that it had to come to this. Why didn’t you tell me that things were this severe?’

‘Bilvy trusted me. He didn’t want anyone to know. He’s going to hate me for what I’m doing. He’s not going to speak to me for weeks after this.’ There was a tiny lull before Gabe spoke again. ‘It just aches so much, Gee. I’ve been watching him _kill_ himself for _months_ now. He’s going to be so terrified in a room on his own like that and I won’t be there. I love him more than anything else on this planet,’ Gabe wailed.

‘I know,’ Gerard sniffed. Gerard wrapped his arms around him; strong and reassuring as he fell apart. All those days and weeks of staying strong for William; of being his lifeline; of being his parachute had left him broken. ‘I promise that you’re doing the right thing. This isn’t your fault. You’ve done all that you can,’ Gerard shuddered. ‘It’s going to be okay. It’s _all_ going to be okay.’


	25. Chapter 25

William shut the front door behind him as usual when he had come home from school. He felt completely fatigued. He was half convinced that if he went to sleep that he would never wake up. He expected his mother to call to him or poke her head around a door to greet him; alas she didn’t. He strained to take steps into the sitting room where he could hear distant voices. Until he halted dead at the doorway when two faces – both of which he recognised laid eyes on him. His breathing hastened, as his blood rushed through his body and his limbs shook with panic. His mouth dried up like a desert wasteland and all words alluded him. His head felt heavy – like a sinking vessel from which there would be no survivors.

‘Bilvy – Bilvy I -,’ Gabe trembled.

‘Wh – what are you doing here?’ William whispered. His muscles didn’t even have the energy required to spasm. He was falling; he felt like his body would drop at any second. He clung onto the doorframe to steady himself as his head dizzied and his eyes watered.

‘Whatever he has told you – it’s all lies,’ William flailed, directing his guise towards his mother. She was sitting beside the man he loved quietly; her eyes red and sore as if she had been crying. ‘What _have_ you told her exactly?’ William screamed, moving forward and Gabe rose to his feet.

‘Bilvy -,’ Gabe tried.

‘No. No. No! You don’t get to call me that. And answer the fucking question, Gabe! What have you told her?’ William screeched, arms waving erratically.

‘The truth,’ Gabe sighed. William crept forward again and he stumbled. Gabe instinctively leant forward to catch him. Gabe wrapped his arms around the boy’s shoulders bringing him down on his knees. William instantly attempted to free himself out of the man’s grip.

‘Don’t touch me. I,’ William hollered, tears streaming down his face as his breathing wheezed, ‘don’t want you to touch me ever again.’

‘Bilvy – listen to me,’ Gabe purred gently. The man’s fingertips stroked through his hair and there was a tiny second where William felt a calmness fall over his body until he turned to view his mother’s face from beside them.

    She hadn’t said a word since William entered the room. Her hands were folded neatly into her lap. William wrestled Gabe away, crawling on his hands and knees over to his mother who rested in aghast on the sofa. William took his hands in hers and stared up at her, his large eyes catching hers between tears.

‘Who are you going to believe, mom? A man you’ve met once – or me; _your son_. Yes. He’s my teacher. But he’s been harassing me for months now,’ William hissed. William didn’t turn around to watch Gabe’s reaction. _Everything was going alright until the stupid fucker had to tell his mom._

She swallowed before opening her mouth and brushed her fingers through his long hair, pulling it back to reveal the patches of missing strands and nodding to herself. William shook her hand away. ‘How long, Billieboo?’ she questioned calmly.

‘How long has this pervert -,’ William started before being cut off by her.

‘How long have you been killing yourself like this?’ his mother breathed, she rolled her eyes at herself; keeping back her own sobs.

‘Mom – he’s lying to you,’ William persisted. He squeezed at her hands.

‘Bilvy, your mother asked you a question,’ Gabe piped up from behind him. His throat sounded nothing more than a choke. ‘If you refuse to answer then -,’ Gabe continued. William snapped his body around painfully to be met with Gabe standing upright and William managed to clamber to his feet.

‘Or what? You’ve already told her everything. I trusted you. You said that you could take care of me.’

‘Bilvy, listen to me – I know that you’re angry about this but I am taking care of you. This is for the best,’ Gabe murmured. The man bowed his head across to William’s mother. William turned to face her.

‘Billieboo – we’ve decided that you need help; help that we can’t offer you. We really want you to co-operate with us on this…’ the woman gulped.

‘You’re – you’re sending me away?’ William blinked. His head snapped between the two of them, on either side of him. It felt like they crowding around him; trapping him in when he was already so weak. He couldn’t fight this any longer. He didn’t have the strength.

‘We’re doing the right thing. Gabe is going to talk you through it whilst I pack the rest of your things,’ the women coughed.

‘No. No. I’m not going into hospital. You can’t afford that and I’m okay. Mom. Mom, _please_ ,’ William begged. He gripped onto her wrist until he could feel her pulse beneath her skin. He was on his last defences now and any second everything would cave in around him. ‘I’m okay. Please. _Please, mom_. I’m _begging_ you… I’m begging you not to do this.’ His breathing became exasperated again until his head swam and he could feel himself getting dizzier but he couldn’t prevent the anxiety taking over his body. He was sure that of there was anything in his body to throw up – he would have vomited by now. The women shrugged out of his grip and didn’t look at him as she walked away. William followed her sluggishly, his body stiff and weak. He clawed at the door as she shut it, fresh tears streaming down his face as he called after her. ‘ _Mom. Please. Please. No. No._ ’

    Gabe was there behind him. His body riding up against William’s back. He was just so worn out; so done with all the pain inside of him. But he was equally as terrified of going into the hospital; of how vacant he’d be once the pain had faded away.

‘Why don’t we just lay down? I want to make this as comfortable for you as possible. I can hold you and we can go through this together,’ Gabe reasoned. His voice was completely level and calm. William pushed his head back into Gabe's neck; inhaling his scent and feeling his heart slow down to a less frantic beat. Gabe blanketed his arms around him as he shifted both of them further into the centre of the room before collapsing both of them onto the carpet. William was too exhausted to resist Gabe’s affection. He couldn’t stay angry even if he wanted to. He settled into Gabe’s lap and closed his eyes; head resting into the crook of Gabe’s neck as his shallow breathing sustained him.

‘We’d really like you to co-operate with us,’ Gabe repeated. ‘Your mom doesn’t actually need your permission to admit you but we’d feel a lot more satisfied knowing that you weren’t fighting this,’ Gabe whispered, his voice was barely an echo as he spoke into what remained of William’s chocolate locks.

‘Please don’t ask this of me,’ William pleaded. Gabe hands fell down on the boy’s lower waist, brushing over his hipbone. His fingertips stroked back and forth in a soothing rhythm, almost like a lullaby.

‘Don’t you want to get better? Don’t you want us to start living our lives?’

William exhaled. He was so tired. His body ached and convulsed just from existing. For the first time in over a year William felt like he had a chance to be at peace; that he could let it go. More importantly, that he _wanted_ to.

‘If I agree – does it even matter? You and mom have already decided for me.’

‘It will make a difference, _trust me_ ,’ Gabe hummed.

That was just the thing. ‘I do trust you,’ William sighed back. He let his bones melt into his skin as he pushed back into Gabe’s warmth. ‘So, what happens now?’

‘Well… we decided that I’ll drive you to the hospital but your mom is going to walk in with you. She has to sign the consent form, as do you if you’re volunteering,’ Gabe mumbled. ‘She’s going to take some of your things with you in the car and what you need that she can’t bring will be retrieved after. You’ll be shown to your room and be introduced to a few nurses probably… They’ll talk you through therapy and maybe you could start integrating with the other kids there.’

‘Oth-th-er k-k-kids?’ William stuttered.

‘They’ll be other patients there… You’ll be expected to interact but it won’t be a sudden introduction and they won’t ask you to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.’

‘Wh- what about school?’

‘You can take you exams after. That’s not a problem. The only thing that matters right now is your recovery. Everything else can and will wait.’

‘You’ll wait for me, won’t you?’ William panted.

‘Are you kidding?’ Gabe scoffed. His lips pressed against William’s cheekbone, so tender and full of love. ‘I love you, William Beckett. Nothing in this universe will change that. I’ll wait as long as it takes.’

‘I love you too,’ William whispered. He could almost feel their hearts coming together in that moment. The segments of their hearts connecting into each other as their souls spun around each other. It was the first time that William thought that he could believe it. _Gabe Saporta loved him. He was staying._

‘Why don’t you go and see if your mom is almost finished with packing your belongings? I’m driving you there and she’s going to take a few bags in the car with her – she’s meeting us there to go in with you.’

‘You’re not doing it?’ William breathed.

‘No. You need your mom, Bilvy.’

‘But – but,’ William croaked. _She looked heartbroken._ ‘I can’t face her.’

‘She loves you, Bilvy. Let her help you.’

‘’How do I -,’ William swallowed.

‘You’ll work it out. She’s your mom.’ Gabe pecked at the boy’s neck for the final time. William closed his eyelids; leaning into the man’s heat – he felt at peace for the first time. It was as if the war was finally over and he was wandering across the bloodied and broken dead on the battlefield; a survivor – hearing the silence and keeping a lasting memory of all the wreckage around him; but knowing it was over. The conflict had come to an end.

    William lingered in the doorway - watching as his mom packed his clothes into a small black bag. He swallowed. _He had to do this._ He had to leave and come back stronger. He was tired of being broken; he was useless like this and he wanted desperately to move on.

‘Hey,’ William coughed. He didn’t know what else to say to the woman that had lost her husband and was dangerously close to losing her son.

‘Hey,’ she sniffed back.

‘Look, mom – I’m so sorry. I -,’ William muttered. His guise dropped to his feet as his body was submerged in guilt.

‘Billieboo,’ William’s mom wailed. The fabric in her hands fell away as she turned around. ‘Come here, silly,’ she sombrely chuckled. She opened up her arms, stepping forward. William felt like a small child again as her body engulfed his; despite his height. He nestled his eyes and nose into her shoulder until it was all he could smell. He was taken back to all those times as a child when he would cry and she would come rushing in to hold him. She would lift him up and set him down between her and his dad. Everything was alright. Nothing could ever hurt him when they were there either side of him to protect him. _God, I wish that dad was here right now._

‘I love you, Billieboo. You should have told me about all of this! My poor, beautiful boy.’

_Ow. Ow. Ow. She was devastated._ ‘I know. I’m sorry. I love you too, mom.’

After another thirty seconds she pulled away. ‘Why don’t you go and wait in the car? I’ll get Gabe to bring these bags down and he can drive you there.’

‘Mom – I’m really am sorry – about all this; that I didn’t tell you – that I’m dating a goddamn teacher,’ William sighed.

The woman tucked a strand of his long, brittle hair behind his hair. ‘Oh, sweetie. We don’t have time for this now. Come on. You go and get in there car. Gabe will be just five seconds, okay?’

William didn’t know what else to expect. His mother did not utter a single word about Gabe being his teacher; though William was sure she must have an opinion on it. ‘Okay, mom,’ William nodded. He went downstairs and engrained every inch of the house into his memory because he knew that he wouldn’t see it again for a while. The wooden floorboards; the warm autumn colours – the constant scent of cinnamon from the air freshener his mom liked. He grabbed his ipod and cell from where he had placed them on the table and stuffed them into his pockets.

    ‘Hey,’ Gabe called. When William turned around he was there – ghosting out of the doorway to the sitting room.

‘Hey. Mom’s done packing. She wants you to get the bags and told me to get in the car.’

‘Oh, right. Sure,’ Gabe smiled. They quickly directed themselves to the front door and Gabe opened it, wrestling with his keys in his pocket and unlocked the car. ‘There. I’ll just help your mom bring some of things down and then we’ll set off. You go and get in, baby,’ Gabe purred. He pecked at William’s temple tenderly, lips hitting his skin and forcing his heart to shudder, before Gabe disappeared and William was left to get into the front seat. He staggered to the car and opened the door, sliding in and staring at the dashboard into the silence that now surrounded him. He could feel himself fading out. Gabe crept up behind him and he heard the trunk of his mom’s car open and close but barely even registered it. _What am I doing?!? Am I even capable of this? How will I cope? Maybe I should just get out of the car right now and blindly refuse to go. There will be other kids. What about school? Getting fat again? And Gabe? What will mom do in the house by herself? Fuck. Oh fuck. Oh fuck. I can’t do this._ However, _I can’t stay like this forever, can I? God, I want to let this go. It’s over. It’s over. It’s over. I’m over it. I’m so over it. I need to move on now. I need to do this. I’m strong. I can do it. I will do it. I will. I will. I will._ William’s arms curled around his legs as he silently repeated a mantra to himself – that he possessed the ability to overcome his troubles; that nothing was going to prevent him from being responsible for the mess that he had created. He had a big mess on his hands and he knew that sooner or later – it needed to be rectified. _There’s no time like the present. At least… that’s what people say._ He was struggling to drown his reservations and anxieties when Gabe finally opened the driver’s door next to him.

     Gabe drove quietly – the radio the only sound between them and although Gabe offered William his hand for the whole journey; it did very little to settle William’s nerves. The whole drive there felt like it lasted forever. When the sign for the hospital eventually drifted into sight and Gabe parked up his car in the parking lot – William sensed a deep feeling of dread wash over him. _You can do this. You can do this. You can do this._ Gabe turned in his direction and William couldn’t prevent his lip from trembling when he returned Gabe’s eye contact. Gabe’s eyes were wet and his expression weak. His skin had grown pale and he was clasping onto William’s hand rougher than strictly necessary. It was the only occasion this whole time that William had seen the eternally radiant, angel of a man broken down into the human that he actually was.

‘Gabe, I don’t want to,’ William whispered.

Gabe flashed a sad smile. Tears were starting to fall over his eyelids. William was sure that he would be crying too if he hadn’t emotionally exhausted himself already. ‘You’re going to be okay. Your mom works here – she can see you every day. She’s friends with people in there and I know that they are going to take good care of you. I don’t want you to go in there and think that I’m not going to miss you though. I love you so much,’ Gabe sighed, his voice cracking. ‘Okay? I’m always going to be here for you but sometimes in life – you’re going to have to be brave and deal with situations on your own. I know that you can because you’re intelligent and strong. I believe in you.' 

'Whenever you feel like you can’t do it – I’m going to be sending you invisible prayers to – to make sure that you have the support that you need even when I’m not physically present to give it to you. I know that it’s difficult and that you’re terrified but sometimes we just have to keep going – even when you’re going into a cold, dark tunnel on your own – because although you are there alone; I’ll always be there inside of you – helping you to move forward; so is your mom and your sister and all of your friends. You have to do this, Bilvy. It’s the only way that you’re going to get better but I promise you that you’re going to get through this. You have to travel through a few caves or deserted roads to find paradise because there’s lessons that those journeys have to teach you before you arrive there. I promise you that you’re going to be so much better when you come through this,’ Gabe sniffed. ‘I’m going to be there waiting for you.’

William’s chest ached as his heart pounded. _You have to do this. You have to._ ‘I love you,’ William murmured.

‘I love you too, William Beckett. Just remember that.’ Gabe moved his hand from within William’s to the boy’s cheek and they inched towards each other. Their lips tangled together – the kiss was delicate and cotton soft. William didn’t want it to be the last one.

‘I probably won’t be visiting you for a little while. It’ll be better if you just see your mom but I promise that I will come back.’

William nodded his head; their foreheads connected. For the first time since their relationship began – he actually believed that Gabe truly meant what he said. After all, they had come this far. ‘I’m – I’m going to miss you,’ William breathed.

‘I’m going to miss you too, baby,’ Gabe chuckled uncomfortably. He brought his head back and peered forward.

‘Your mom’s waiting for you.’

William followed Gabe’s vision to be met with his mom and two bags of his possessions. He was shaking. _You can do this. You can do this._ ‘One step at a time. I’m going to stay in the car, Bilvy. But we’re all here. You’re not alone.’

William chewed in his bottom lip. ‘When will I next see you?’

‘You don’t want to keep your mom waiting.’

William was powerless to let the anxiety sneak into his thoughts. His hands trembled uncontrollably and his muscles shuddered. _You can do this. You can do this._

‘I’ll see you soon then,’ William inaudibly swallowed.

‘You’re going to be just fine,’ Gabe beamed as William opened the car door and slipped out of the vehicle. He didn’t glance back until his mom was walking him towards the doors of the hospital and when he did – Gabe was waving and urging him forward.

   Everything seemed to slow down. He followed his mom into the elevator. He couldn’t settle his body or his thoughts. They reached a corridor offering directions to the psych ward. There were patients everywhere and busy nurses rushing between corridors. Wall after wall of white. Synthetic lights. William could feel himself becoming less and less in control of himself. His vision was fading in and out and his attention was faltering. _Can’t do this. Can’t do this. Can’t be without Gabe. I can’t fix myself now._ His head ached and his mouth was deserted of moisture and words.

‘Hey.’ William caught someone saying to his mom.

‘So nice of you to give Bilvy a bed on such short notice,’ she amiably rambled back.

‘Eating disorders need to be treated as soon as there is a diagnosis. You did the right thing. I would say from seeing your son now – that he is into the deep stages,’ they replied.

‘Bilvy,’ William’s mom called to him. It was as if he detected the noise from outside his body.

‘Mom. _Mom. I can’t_ ,’ William hissed. ‘I want to go home.’

‘Bilvy, it’s going to be okay. Sweetie, this is Doctor Mcdougall. She’s here to help you, baby.’

‘Mom. _You’re not listening_ ,’ William screamed. ‘I’m not taking another step into this ward, mom. I’m not doing it,’ William wailed.

‘William, I promise that it’s not half as scary as you think it’s going to be. Your room is just through there -,’ William heard the doctor inform him. His consciousness was shutting down again. He didn’t hear anything else as everything faded to black; except for this time Gabe wasn’t there to catch him. He could hear from a distance his mom’s voice – she sounded like she was crying - and the doctor’s voice ordering other people around sternly. William plunged into a deeper trance. Everything was dark and silent. For the first time in over a year – William Beckett was at peace; as the shadows surrounded him – his head was reduced to dormancy. William had collapsed into blackness; dead to the world. The battle was over now. He had made it safely to shelter. He was going to be okay. He was safe now.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry that this is so delayed. I have had so many other things going on. I hope that you are still enjoying this fic and thanks to everyone that has stuck with me. You are awesome!

Ryan hadn’t seen Bilvy since the day before. He was glad that they had been able to rekindle their relationship. He knew that it was his fault – really, he did and he felt awful. He knew that it was his responsibility as the stable one to reach out. He had been a lousy friend but he had his own problems – he still hadn’t told his parents that was gay and Brendon was his boyfriend; he needed to dedicate time to their relationship. He had texted and snapchatted but Bilvy never replied. Though, Ryan knew that was not an excuse; there were no excuses. He loved the bones of William Beckett; he did. They had been together for more years than Ryan could actually remember; the only one that ever truly loved him. He had let him down. He knew that he had to rectify their relationship. Ryan was prepared to fight for it. He knew that he had messed things up but he was over that now and he was going to do whatever had to do to make things right. He had been too self-absorbed; seeing William, how his bones grazed his t-shirt and his skin clung tightly around his frame, had been the wake up that Ryan needed. William was his priority now. He had fucked it up. He had no reasons; it was his fault and that killed him inside but he had nobody else to blame other than himself so he would just live with the consequences; he deserved it. He was going to strive to patch things up; that was the least he owed William – the very least. 

William was nowhere to be found before school; that wasn’t an irregular occurrence so that didn’t worry Ryan. He guessed that he would track him down at lunch time or call him to check up on him. He sent him a snapchat making fun of the school’s interior design and hoped that would force William to smile at least - until they managed to catch each other. Ryan was in Lyn’s class for drama; they were going through the exam questions. Ryan was only half listening; too worried about all the disasters inside his head to keep up to date with the real world.

    'Hey Lyn. Can I borrow Ryan for a second?'

 'Sure,' Lyn smiled. 'Ryan - do you want to-?' Lyn prompted. Ryan shrugged as he pushed his chair from his desk and fumbled to the door where Gabe was waiting for him. _Oh God. This is about Bilvy, isn't it? Is he okay? Oh fuck. I've really fucked this up._

 'Hey, sir,' Ryan swallowed.

 'I think that we should find somewhere private to have this conversation.'

  _Oh fuck._ Ryan’s stomach dropped. _That doesn't sound good..._

 'Is this about Bilvy?' Ryan questioned as Gabe led him into his classroom.

 Gabe remained silent. He opened the door and Ryan trudged through it under Gabe's arm. Ryan situated himself at one of the desks and Gabe settled uneasily, leaning against his desk at the front. ‘Ryan,’ Gabe sighed.

‘Is this about Bilvy? I know that you two are – you know – but I just want to know what’s going on,’ Ryan demanded. His stomach winced as his eyes settled on the dark shapes that masked Gabe’s face. If Ryan didn’t know better – he would think that Gabe had been crying.

‘Yes. Yes, it is about William,’ Gabe shuddered. ‘There’s no easy way to say this -.’

‘Oh my God. What’s happened to him? Is he okay?’ Ryan gasped.

‘He’s alive,’ Gabe swallowed. ‘He’s in hospital.’

‘What? What do you mean in hospital?’

‘He was admitted to the psych ward. His eating habits were spiralling out of control. I tried but he needs professional care.’

 _Fuck. Fuck. FUCK. I really have fucked this up._ ‘Is he – is he going to be okay?’

‘He’s stable and he’s in the best possible place. That’s the best we can hope for at the moment. The rest of the recovery will be about how well he responds to treatment,’ Gabe breathed.

Ryan was motionless for a full thirty seconds. ‘This is my fault,’ Ryan whispered. Guilt flooded every nook and cranny of his body. ‘Bilvy told me. He asked for help. Fuck,’ Ryan sniffed. ‘I let him down. I failed him.’ Ryan wanted to cry. Not in front of Gabe. Not like this. He needed Brendon. Gabe stood up. He pulled a pad of post-it notes towards him and scribbled something down with a pen. ‘Here. It’s Bilvy’s hospital details. I’m sure that he’d love to see you.’ Gabe stretched out to pass it over and Ryan stared down at it, tears obstructing his view. ‘Thanks. I have to get back to class.’

‘Ryan,’ Gabe called after him as the boy staggered to his feet. ‘It’s not your fault. There’s really nothing anyone could have done to save him. Not me; not you – nobody. It’s really not your fault. I’m always around if you want to chat.’

Ryan nodded because he wasn’t sure he could speak. His best friend was lying in a hospital bed – scared and alone; he had done nothing – too preoccupied; too selfish. As soon as he was in the abandoned corridor, he wrestled his cell from within his pocket and called Brendon. Brendon did not answer. Ryan waited a few minutes before dialling again. The line only rang twice before Brendon answered.

‘Wh – what block are you in?’

‘The Arts Block. Why? And why are you calling when we’re both supposed to be in class? I just snuck into the toilets to talk to you.’

‘I’m going to walk over now. Can you just tell your teacher there’s been a personal emergency and wait for me outside?’

‘Rybear, what’s going on?’ Brendon queried, worry dominating his voice.

‘Can you just – can you just meet me?’ Ryan’s voice cracked.

‘Yeah, sure. Whatever you need. Fuck class.’

‘Thanks.’

Ryan headed back to class and everyone had moved on to independent study. Ryan silently caught Lyn’s attention and she told the class to continue working quietly as she headed towards him.

‘Sorry. I just -,’ Ryan sobbed, tears on his eyelids. ‘Would it be okay if I went to find my boyfriend?’ Ryan grounded tears into his eye socket with his fingertips. Lyn readily agreed, casting a series of sympathetic glances in his direction. Ryan travelled the distance to the Arts Block desperate to keep himself together until Brendon could hold him. Ryan inhaled shallow breaths and focussed on each footstep as he made his way across the yard and opened the door into the Arts Block. Brendon was waiting for him in the corridor; he hastily stepped forward upon Ryan’s approach – arms wide open. ‘Oh my God, baby. What is it? What’s going on?’

‘Are you out of class?’ Ryan sniffed. He buried his face into the fabric of Brendon’s t-shirt.

‘Yeah. Mr Way was subbing English which is the funniest thing you’ll ever see,’ Brendon chuckled lightly into Ryan’s neck. ‘But he let me go.’

‘It’s Bilvy,’ Ryan choked. He sobbed against Brendon collarbone in the openness of the empty hallway. ‘I let him down. It’s all my fault,’ Ryan wailed. ‘It’s all my fault.’

     Brendon and Ryan managed to find an empty classroom. Ryan told him everything and pulled out the details Gabe had provided him with to inspect them. Brendon blinked in weariness as the news washed over him; he pulled Ryan in close and kissed his head.

‘This is not your fault. Okay?’

‘We’re going – we’re going to have to tell the others,’ Ryan sniffed.

‘We don’t have to right now. It can wait until later.’

‘No,’ Ryan protested. ‘They deserve to know too.’

‘At lunchtime – we’ll tell them then,’ Brendon swallowed. ‘He’s going to be alright. He’s in the best possible place to recover. His mom works at that hospital. I bet she visits him every day and we can go there too.’

‘You don’t even know him; not really.’

‘I bet he’d like the company though, huh? A pretty face like mine to help him along,’ Brendon smirked, gently smoothing down Ryan’s hair.

Ryan smiled faintly. ‘I’ll ring the hospital and see,’ Ryan croaked.

‘It’s going to be alright.’

Ryan remained silent; he listened to the clock tick and the sound of Brendon’s heartbeat wondering how many other things he neglected to notice and how he could ever forgive himself even if William forgave him.

   Lunchtime wasn’t as heart-breaking as Ryan had anticipated. Patrick didn’t comment and Travie remained calm. All four of them were able to get by without William; they didn’t want to – there had been a noticeable space between them ever since he became more distant; but life dragged on regardless. Ryan thought that he would be okay with Brendon’s support if he could get to the end of week, and then he could spend the entire weekend in Brendon’s bed; just to forget everything for a couple of days. Ryan had made a whole week knowing that William was in hospital. He hadn’t gathered himself up enough to visit him yet but he wanted to on Sunday. He only had three days to wait. He knew that he should text or call but every time he managed to get to the display with ‘Bilvy’ at the top; his fingers faltered and he retreated back into silence. Nothing that he said would heal this situation. Friday morning eventually materialised and Ryan was placing some of the heavier books from his bag into his locker to collect later during the day. He wasn’t listening to anything specific; just the low, dull roar of the corridor; however the conversation closest to him was most audible.

‘You know Beckett? The one that they all talk about?’

Ryan already felt his stomach clench.

‘Obviously, he just doesn’t know how to help himself. I heard from Hayley who heard from Pete that he’s only fucking a teacher.’

‘What? No way! Who?’ the other female gasped.

‘You’ll never guess.’

‘Just tell me.’

Ryan’s hand slipped. _What?!? How could they know?_ All of the books tumbled, falling flat on his hand. Ryan remained focussed on the exchange as he re-piled the books neatly, ignoring the slight pain of the weight on his fingers. Ryan attempted to remain calm. William was lying in a hospital and all these _bitches_ cared about was the fact that he was having sex with a member of staff.

‘Gerard,’ the first girl snorted.

Ryan gulped.

‘He’s married. Oh my God. Guy’s a homewrecker as well as a whore.’ They both laughed at William’s expense. Ryan’s blood curdled and boiled in his veins. _How dare they? How could they even say that?_ Ryan’s mouth opened before he had a chance to prevent himself – he felt like he was watching himself cause a scene but he didn’t care. William deserved better; better than petty gossip; better than the hospital bed he was occupying; better than the best friend that abandoned him.

‘Shut the fuck up. Both of you,’ Ryan hollered. Both girls stared up in absolute bewilderment and fear. ‘How dare you talk about him like that?’ Ryan slammed the door of his locker shut and the cabinets rattled at the force of his actions; that was enough to attract attention.

‘S-sorry. We didn’t mean it. I was just -,’ one of the girls pandered in complete shock.

‘You shut the fuck up. You little bitch. Do you believe all lies so willingly? Is there anything else that you’d like to say about him? Everyone is listening,’ Ryan screamed, addressing the gathering crowd. ‘Maybe he’s a prostitute or he’s actually going to be a father to the child of a female teacher or that he’s actually part unicorn. Maybe he’s even actually religious.’

‘I’m really sorry,’ the girl muttered, face coloured red with fear.

Brendon stormed through the crowd with Gabe at his side. ‘Ryan, come on. Just leave it,’ Brendon sighed.

‘All of you – back away now. You have things to be getting on with. The bell is due so you should all be making your direction to your first period,’ Gabe called over the atmosphere of the brewing tension. The crowd dispersed as quickly as it formed with the enforcement of a teacher.

‘ _Honey_ ,’ Brendon cooed. ‘What are you doing?’

‘They were saying shit about him. I’m supposed to just stand there and let people -,’ Ryan sniffed.

‘Is this about them? Or is this about you feeling responsible? It’s not your fault.’ Ryan shook his head and started to scuttle away from Brendon. ‘Ry. Where are you going? Don’t walk away from me,’ Brendon called after him.

‘I’ll talk to you tonight,’ Ryan pouted, pivoting to meet Brendon’s guise.

‘Ry. Ryan,’ Brendon persisted.

‘See you later,’ Ryan hissed underneath his breath.

    Ryan blinked back tears as he made his direction to his first period. The image of William’s lifeless body hooked up to hospital equipment hadn’t left his head. He should have done more. It really was his fault. If he had listened then maybe none of this would have happened. Ryan managed to avoid anyone that might talk to him all day. Gabe didn’t linger after the incident and he obviously didn’t involve any other members of staff. Ryan was actually relieved for once when he stepped on the bus home from school. Usually, coming back to homophobic parents and pretending to be someone else was the worst part of his day but he wanted to be someone else; anyone else at all – just somebody better. Both of his parents were still at work when he walked through the door and plodded into the kitchen – ransacking the fridge for anything that could fill the vacancy inside of him. He wasn’t staying for dinner. In fact, he planned on spending as much time at Brendon’s house as he could humanly get away with. He tackled the stairs, placing a glass of milk on the side, and propelled himself onto his mattress. Once the first tear leaked from his eyelid; his cheeks were flooded from the moisture spilling out of his eyes. He sobbed into his duvet like a small child until his eyes were sore and his throat was dry. He didn’t know that his mom had entered the house in that time until she stood in the doorway cautiously.

‘Sweetie, are you okay? What’s wrong?’ Dani questioned. She stepped forward until she was hovering next to bed at Ryan’s feet.

‘Nothing,’ Ryan wept. ‘Don’t worry. I’ll be okay.’

‘Rybaby – what is it?’ She continued.

‘Nothing. Honestly, mom, don’t worry.’

Ryan wished he could tell her. He could just say it. _Bilvy’s in hospital and I’m a shitty person. I hurt everyone that I love – him, Brendon and you. I hurt you by lying and I’ll hurt you by telling the truth._ Then he thought about William and how he didn’t tell his mom the truth; how he didn’t tell anyone anything. Ryan was tired; tired of all the deceit and fed up of pretending. _If William had just made more of a fuss or told his mom the truth then maybe he wouldn’t be in such a mess._ He couldn’t fight the thoughts that dominated his head. _You are lying just like Bilvy._ _You wanted him to ask for help and you can’t even set yourself free._

‘I have a boyfriend,’ Ryan choked. As soon as the words left his mouth – adrenaline pumped through his veins and he didn’t know if it was due to fear or relief.

‘What?’ Dani stammered.

‘I have a boyfriend. His name is Brendon.’

Dani was still for five seconds. Ryan could feel his heart swell in his chest. Dani stood up finally. ‘Is this a joke?’

 _Oh god. Oh my god. What have I done?_ ‘N-no.’

‘How long have you _thought_ that you’re -,’ Dani scowled in disgust. She waved her hand over the last word as if to erase it from the sentence.

‘Gay, mom,’ Ryan huffed.

‘Yes. How long?’

Ryan shrugged. ‘A few years, I guess.’

‘I see,’ Dani swallowed.

‘You intend to carry on with all of this, I suppose?’

Ryan held his tongue. ‘Yeah, I do.’

‘I see. From now on – you live in this house separate from your father and I,’ Dani instructed with icy coolness. ‘You do not talk to us unless you absolutely need to. You shall make your own meals, do your own laundry and wash your own dishes. We will drive you to and pay for necessities but everything else is down to you.’

‘Mom,’ Ryan swallowed weakly. ‘Mom – you don’t mean that.’

‘You want a boyfriend? You can by all means have one. You’re an adult, Ryan. I can’t tell you what to do but you must learn that every action has a consequence.’

‘So – that’s it? I’m your son,’ Ryan screamed.

‘You made your _choice._ ’

‘It’s not a choice, mom,’ Ryan spat. ‘It’s who I am.’

‘Well then, you’re no son of mine,’ Dani spited.

‘My boyfriend is coming to pick me up anyway.’

‘Good.’ Dani sharply turned to leave as tears leaked down Ryan’s face.

‘Mom,’ Ryan choked. ‘Please don’t do this. I love you.’

‘You made your hotbed of sin. You lie in it,’ Dani hissed. She hastily left the room as if she was afraid of becoming infected by it as well. Ryan tried his best to sniff up his emotions and get ready for Brendon. Ryan packed his things in a panicked rush. He just wanted to leave the house. His cell buzzed; it was Brendon telling him that he waiting outside. Ryan dragged enough belongings for easily a week into the car and tried to keep it together until Brendon had driven him all the way to his house. Ryan only made it through the threshold before he broke down completely; mucus and tears pouring out of him – onto Brendon’s chest as Brendon held him close and attempted to construct the fragmented pieces of information that he caught from Ryan’s lips.

‘I came out – and now they hate – need to live here – can’t go home,’ Ryan wept.

Brendon remained silent, simply holding Ryan in the hallway until he simply lost his ability to cry anymore tears.

    ‘Morning,’ Brendon whispered. His lips pecked at Ryan’s nose but Ryan did not react. Ryan was exhausted. ‘Did you sleep at all last night, honeymuffin?’

‘Honeymuffin?’ Ryan croaked. His eyes were still shut as Brendon leaned against him.

‘Shut up,’ Brendon smiled. ‘I think that it’s cute.’ Brendon kissed at Ryan’s shoulder as Ryan lay motionless on his back. ‘Did you really not sleep?’

‘How could I? William’s in a hospital bed and my parents hate me.’

‘Baby,’ Brendon cooed. ‘They don’t hate you. They love you. Just give them some time. Your mom hasn’t thrown you out on the street – if she really didn’t care then she would have kicked you out on the street. Give her time, babe. That’s all she needs.’

‘You really think so?’ Ryan sighed.

Brendon’s lips curved into a smooth smile against Ryan skin. ‘I know so.’

‘If you insist.’

‘I do, babe. I really do,’ Brendon whispered. ‘Now, you want to show you why I love Sunday mornings so much?’

Ryan smirked. ‘Sure. Why not?’

‘You could try to be a little more enthusiastic.’

‘Sorry,’ Ryan giggled. ‘I am. I really am.’

Brendon kissed at Ryan’s neck with focus and intent; his lips clamping down around his skin. Ryan melted into the soft furnishings underneath him. ‘Just relax, baby,’ Brendon breathed. Ryan bended his spine into the mattress as Brendon’s body curled around him. ‘You’re beautiful. I know that you think you’re not right now but you are.’ Brendon’s tongue extended against Ryan’s collarbone and Ryan’s whole body flinched as Brendon’s hand tightened around Ryan’s wrist. ‘Love you,’ Brendon hotly breathed.

‘Love you too,’ Ryan gasped.

‘I’m going to make you feel so good. You deserve it. Let me take care of you, Rybear.’

‘Okay,’ Ryan sighed. Brendon’s lips kissed at the boy’s chest and Ryan fidgeted as Brendon’s entire weight surrounded. His hand fisted at Ryan’s wrist and Ryan attempted to steady his breathing but Brendon dipped lower; his other hand palming at Ryan’s cock through his underwear. Ryan muffled a groan as Brendon pulled his boxers down his slim thighs until his hard cock was set free.

‘Going to suck you off so bad – going to make you whine,’ Brendon whispered. Ryan groaned as Brendon pressed his lips hard against his skin and licked at bottom of his waist before his groin proceeded. Brendon looked up and stared sinfully into Ryan’s pupils; Ryan swallowed as Brendon smirked across at him. Ryan was powerless; his skin was hot; his heart raced and his body burnt. He wanted this. He needed Brendon to give it to him.

‘Want it?’ Brendon teased.

‘Yes,’ Ryan mumbled impatiently.

Brendon cruelly grinned as he bent down parting his lips and moulding them around Ryan’s cock. Ryan’s body was exhilarated by the tight sensation that travelled down his dick and across his body. His muscles throbbed as he thrust up into Brendon’s mouth with moans. Brendon sucked like it was his livelihood and Ryan wreathed beneath him, keeping his hand firmly placed against the sheets.

‘Oh Bren,’ Ryan groaned. ‘Oh. Oh _fuck_.’

Brendon hummed in unison; his own cock hard in his underwear. Brendon didn’t ease up on the pressure until Ryan was panting and Brendon figured, from experience, that Ryan was close.

‘Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Oh. This. Feels. So…’

Brendon bobbed his head back and forth; meeting Ryan’s thrusts until Ryan was red faced and gasping. ‘Bren… Going to -,’ Ryan moaned.

Brendon did not slow down as a sign of consent. Ryan came with a loud whine into Brendon’s mouth and flopped back on the soft furnishings trying to catch his breath back. Brendon swallowed; resting into Ryan’s body and placing his head on Ryan’s chest.

‘Feel better now, sweetheart?’ Brendon smirked.

‘You are definitely a distraction,’ Ryan laughed.

‘Let’s go shower and then after we’ve eaten – I’ll drive you to the hospital before it gets too dark,’ Brendon comforted.

‘He won’t want to see me. It’s all my fault.’

‘It really isn’t, baby. Listen to me,’ Brendon hushed. ‘Bilvy has an eating disorder – even if you had been there to help him; it probably would have ended like this. You can’t reason with people who need professional help. You’re only one person, Ry. There’s nothing that you could have done for him. All you can do now is be there for him. We’ll visit as often as you want,’ Brendon sighed. He stroked Ryan’s messy fringe away from his eyes.

Ryan reached forward to plant a tender kiss on Brendon’s rough lips. ‘Thank you for making me feel like a good person. Love you.’

‘Don’t be ridiculous. You _are_ a good person. Love you too,’ Brendon smiled. They both settled into the silence for a few additional minutes because they knew that they couldn’t avoid moving forever.

   Ryan wasn’t that keen on hospitals. He didn’t exactly hate them but they definitely did not compare to Brendon’s naked body; which was where Ryan wished he still was. He wanted none of this to be happening. He would have done anything to change it. The nurse had directed him upstairs and along some corridors. Brendon squeezed his hand as he asked another nurse where William’s room was and they tried to follow more confusing directions until they reached a hall with private rooms down the landing. Ryan’s blood ran cold. He didn’t know what to expect; fresh chemicals attacked his nostrils and his legs trembled as he stepped towards the room that he believed to be William’s. He blinked back tears as they both neared the glass window pane fixed into the white painted walls. Ryan gulped at what lay in front of him. He couldn’t quite mask his despair as William lay dormant; wired up like a machine. Ryan turned to his boyfriend; his eyes wet and let out a weak smile. ‘Do – do you want to get a coffee from the cafeteria on this floor?’ Ryan suggested. ‘It doesn’t look like he is awake so this won’t take long and – well… should be much easier.’

‘You sure that you can do this on your own?’ Brendon questioned, his fingers stroking against Ryan’s.

‘Yeah. It won’t take long and then we can go home.’

‘Okay,’ Brendon nodded. He wrapped his arms around Ryan’s body and Ryan squeezed him back; inhaling his scent to displace the bleach in his system. Brendon’s smell was a comfort. He drenched himself in it as his heart pounded in his chest and he promised himself that he wouldn’t cry. They released each other’s grip and Ryan silently opened the door to William’s room as Brendon ambled away in search for the café. Ryan was able to look upon William as he was. His hair was thin; almost non-existent in clumps on his scalp; his bones poked out through his hospital gown; his dry skin stretched across his body; he was white as snow and the deep purple circles under his closed eyelids constituted a rare flash of colour. Ryan hadn’t prepared himself for such an image. His friend was like a ghost; floating there – almost translucent. Ryan sat down in the chair quietly, attempting not to move the chair and accidentally disturb William. He needed all the rest that could get. Ryan reached out to hold William’s hand; tears found their way onto his eyelashes.

‘Bilvy,’ Ryan whispered but William did not respond. ‘I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I let you down. I love you so much and I let you down. I will never do that again. I promise – you are going to come through this. I’m not going anywhere this time. You are so important to me. I know that I haven’t been acting like that but it’s not any less true. I love you, William Beckett. You’re like my brother and I never want you to go through anything alone again. I’m sorry that I failed you. You can get through this, Bilvy. We’re all right here – waiting for you to come back to us. We need you. We love you so much. You will never be alone like that again. I don’t know if you remember – we made a promise when we were younger to be there for each other forever. You have never let me down. It was me that broke the promise but I’m going to make things right, Bilvy. If it’s the last thing I do – I’m going to put things right.’ Ryan lingered for a few more minutes before deciding it would be much better to come back when William was awake. He wiped his tears away as he shuffled to his feet. His stomach twisted as he stepped away. He meant every word that he said. He was going to make things right even if it was the last thing he ever did.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey rainbow unicorns. Sorry that this has taken so long. I have had about a thousand pressures and blah. But here is a chapter finally!! Another one is on the way. Thankyou ever so much for sticking with me. You are amazing!

Ryan yawned away Drama. More exam prep. His mind kept skipping back to William’s still body. William’s pale skin and prominent bones were imprinted into his head. He couldn’t escape it. William lurked in his head. He wished there was something he could do. It was _his fault_. Brendon had tutted at him that morning.

‘Everyone is blaming themselves except for the only person who could do something about it,’ Brendon sighed as Ryan absentmindedly brushed his hair in the mirror embedded into the wardrobe in Brendon’s bedroom. ‘This wasn’t your fault. This wasn’t even Bilvy’s fault. It’s okay,’ Brendon hummed. His fingers traced down the back of Ryan’s neck as Brendon leant in to kiss his head.

They had breakfast in silence as Brendon’s parents fussed about them and Brendon’s mom insisted on driving them to school. Brendon wrapped his arm around Ryan’s shoulder as they strolled onto the school grounds. Ryan’s mind buzzed as Brendon kissed him goodbye when the bell rang.

‘Are you okay, baby?’ Brendon pouted.

‘Yeah,’ Ryan exhaled.

‘I love you,’ Brendon purred.

‘Love you too,’ Ryan whispered.

His mind had awakened with demons since events had piled up against him. He barely knew his own heartbeat as he went into the classroom with his head down and took his place at his desk. Gerard was standing at the front – writing out literary terms onto the whiteboard. His luminous hair stuck out in every direction and Ryan faintly smiled at the sight. Gerard made him feel safe. The whole class settled down into their seats as Gerard turned around to face them. Ryan was content to keep to himself. He produced a notepad and star designed pencil case, from his satchel, which he placed onto the desk in front of him.

‘Can anyone tell me how these terms relate to the novel that you are studying?’

Ryan tuned out after that. Gerard’s voice was a drone in the background as Ryan’s thoughts maintained his attention. _Bilvy. All your fault. In hospital. Alone. No home. No family. Broken. Broken. Broken. Everything is ruined._ His interest piqued at the alteration of tone in Gerard’s voice.

‘Corruption. Like you, sir,’ Pete sneered.

‘What do you mean?’ Gerard enquired.

‘Like you – liking teenage boys,’ Pete cackled.

Gerard stiffened. He furrowed his eyebrows. ‘Excuse me?’ Gerard snapped.

‘Everyone is thinking it. You’re a paedophile, _sir_ ,’ Pete snarled.

Ryan’s heart beat in his chest and he dropped his head down. _You have the wrong guy._ ‘That’s it! Get out of my classroom. I will not have you making these ridiculous accusations,’ Gerard screamed. The whole class became unsettled by the volume of Gerard’s voice. He was an infamously chilled out teacher. ‘I literally do not care where you go as long as it’s the fuck out of my sight.’

Even the smirk was wiped from Pete’s face. Ryan smiled to himself about that. _Homophobic shit deserved it._

      Gerard cleared his throat and the whole class watched as he breathed heavily, fidgeting on the spot. ‘Is there anything that anyone would like to add?’ The class stared blankly back at him in a dead silence. ‘That’s what I thought,’ Gerard nodded. He continued the class with an undertone to his voice and even the talkative students fell silent. Ryan was content with the fantasy world he carved in his head– it was the only thing getting him from the week. He managed to occasionally hurtle back into reality enough to take a few notes in his sketchbook.

Soon, but nowhere neat soon enough for Ryan’s satisfaction – the bell signalled lunchtime. Ryan quickly jotted down the homework from the whiteboard and followed the heard of adolescents rushing into the hallway. Ryan really wanted to be anywhere but in a sea of people. He wished that he and Brendon could skip school and just lay in bed. Or even better – that he was able to hide in his _own_ bed. He grimaced at the thought. He never realised that simply sleeping in his own bed would become such a dream he once had. Most people’s dreams were to be famous or find true love. Ryan pushed his hands into his jacket pockets. His dream actually seemed more ambitious. _Stupid homophobic shits. Not fit to call themselves parents. Unconditional love, my ass._

Ryan darted left into the lunch hall and dodged subsequent crowds until he spotted Travie sitting alone at a table with a strawberry milkshake and his headphones plugged into his ears. As Ryan shifted forward, he noticed how Travie’s body slightly waved as if he was struggling to prevent himself from dancing.

      Ryan swallowed with a struggle and crept over to where Travie was sitting. Travie glanced up at him and smiled. Ryan did not possess the emotion to return his admission.

‘Hey, Ry. Are you alright? You look down,’ Travie asked.

‘It’s alright. I’m just tired,’ Ryan shrugged. _Tired of everything. Tired of life. Tired of being me. Just tired._ ‘How are you?’

‘Okay,’ Travie sighed. ‘Have you seen Bilvy yet?’

Ryan suddenly stared up at him in shock at the question. ‘Um. Yeah. Yeah, I have. Brendon and I went last night,’ Ryan croaked. _I’m not going to cry._

‘Is he – is he okay?’ Travie whimpered.

‘He wasn’t conscious when I was there. I kind of just rambled at him for a while and then left.’

‘Oh,’ Travie gasped. ‘I really miss him. He’s the best.’ It was no secret that Travie held a torch for William. Everyone knew it. ‘Do you think that if I wasn’t asexual he would have liked me too?’

Ryan looked down and fiddled with the fastening on his satchel. He did think their main issue was _compatibility_. ‘Well – no. That’s ridiculous. Bilvy loves you but only platonically. Honestly, that means a lot. He barely ever acknowledges people that he hasn’t slept with,’ Ryan jested. Travie flashed him a knowing smirk. For a second, the atmosphere wasn’t tainted by a pain, grief or tragedy; merely laughter that they could still lovingly mock him even though he wasn’t here. No bitchy remark about how they weren’t amusing or being good in bed followed.

The silence killed any remnants of happiness that lingered between the boys.

‘Do you think that he’s going to be alright?’ Travie fretted.

‘Yeah, Trav. Bilvy’s a warrior. He’s going to come through this. We all just need to sit tight and wait for him to recover. Maybe you should go and see him. I’m sure it’d make a change from being in a shitty hospital all day.’

‘Maybe,’ Travie lulled.

‘Hey!’ Brendon chimed in from behind them. ‘There’s my two favourite boys.’ Ryan rolled his eyes as Brendon wrapped his arms around his shoulder and rested on his head. ‘Ryan is my fave because he gives sweet blowjobs.’

‘That’s honestly disgusting – and way too much information,’ Travie gagged.

‘And -,’ Brendon continued. ‘Travie is my favourite because he lets me steal his milkshakes.’

‘What? I never -,’ Travie started as Brendon seized his milkshake from the table.

‘Hey asshole. Give that back,’ Travie snapped.

‘Rybear protect me,’ Brendon hollered as he ran for shelter behind his boyfriend.

‘You’re an idiot,’ Ryan scoffed.

‘Yeah… Your idiot though,’ Brendon grinned.

‘Of course – mine,’ Ryan gazed up at him. His full, pink lips stretched up into a complacent smirk.

‘That’s all very touching. Now, give me my milkshake back,’ Travie demanded.

     Ryan had slipped away from Brendon’s childish antics in order to talk to Gabe about Bilvy. It was no use. No matter what Ryan attempted to preoccupy his mind with – his head gravitated back to William like a fixed point in his head. He couldn’t escape needing to know the full story; it was pivotal. He wasn’t sure about how comfortable he was slipping into Gabe’s classroom at lunch with all these gay teacher rumours being spread around. _Pete is such a motherfucker._ Ryan’s skin contracted goose pimples thinking about Gerard yelling like that. He shrugged it off as he neared Gabe’s classroom and almost knocked on the door before finding it left ajar.

‘Gee, I am so sorry,’ Gabe cooed. ‘I promise I will be gone soon. I have a stack of interviews this week and it really only is a matter of time until I no longer work here.’

‘It’s fine. It’s just dipshit kids. They have no evidence. They are just making shitty rumours. I always thought Bilvy was exaggerating but clearly they deserved some of the things he would get sent to me for,’ Gerard sighed.

‘I honestly cannot apologise enough. I swear that I will be out your hair, real soon. Two weeks at the most – probably sooner,’ Gabe promised.

‘Gabe, he called me a paedophile. The longer you stay here; the closer you are to being exposed. I’m your friend. I’ll cover for you but you need to get out of here as soon as you can.’

‘I know,’ Gabe nodded. ‘I really am trying. I just – everything is so difficult, you know? With Bilvy being in hospital – I feel lost, Gee. I don’t know what I’m doing. I feel like getting on with life without him is betraying him, you know? I want him right here with me – thinking of him in that place – on his own. I – I,’ Gabe snivelled.

‘It’s alright, dude. Bilvy is not on his own. He has you, his mum and all of his friends. He has to face this alone if he is really going to get better. None of us can fix this for him but does that mean that we cease to exist from his life; that we stop loving him? Of course not. This is not your fault. You did everything that you possibly could to mend his situation but he needed professional help. You’re his boyfriend – not his therapist nor his doctor. You blaming yourself will drive you insane; it isn’t conducive to you and it certainly won’t help Bilvy.’

‘I can’t cope without him. I know that I need to be strong but I can’t do this. I need him in my life, Gee. I think he’s the one,’ Gabe sniffed.

‘He’s going to get better and you two can get your life back on track. When you no longer work here then you’ll be able to be like any other couple. You just have to survive until then,’ Gerard consoled him.

‘I know,’ Gabe exhaled. ‘I just need some sleep and a break from my head.’

‘You’re preaching to the choir,’ Gerard chuckled.

‘Thanks, Gee. You are such a good person,’ Gabe breathed.

‘Don’t mention it. Don’t worry about the kids spreading unfounded rumours – that’s what teenagers do,’ Gerard shrugged. ‘I guess that I should head off before lunch finishes. I have a million things to do.’

‘Alright. Thanks again, Gee. You’re great.’

‘Just put me up for a teacher of the year award or something,’ Gerard chuckled.

    Ryan panicked as he heard Gerard’s footsteps near the door. He hastily stepped away from the classroom and down the corridor. His heart raced as he counted his footsteps to block out his anxiety. _1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and 5… Just keep going._ Ryan travelled back to the dining hall to find Travie, Brendon and Patrick where he had left them.

‘Hey baby, there you are,’ Brendon whispered as Ryan perched down next to him. ‘So…’

‘Yeah?’ Ryan asked expectantly.

‘I was thinking… Want to skip last period and just snuggle in bed until my parents get home?’

Ryan’s face illuminated at the suggestion. ‘Are you sure?’

‘Yeah. What’s one hour?’ Brendon dismissed.

‘Fuck. I love you. That’s all I want to do,’ Ryan beamed. He leant forward, pressing his lips against Brendon’s. ‘You’re the best,’ Ryan whispered.

‘Love you too,’ Brendon chirped in earnest. ‘We’ll go in a sec. Just before the bell goes.’

‘Did I mention that I love you?’ Ryan laughed.

Brendon kissed him back; his lips curving into Ryan’s as though they were sculpted to fit each other. Although everything was fracturing apart – Ryan found it incredibly difficult to care with Brendon at his side. As long as he had Brendon; not even the divine was going to defeat him. He had Brendon’s love and that was all he needed to carry on with coping.


	28. Chapter 28

After a week of gruelling interviews, Gabe finally secured himself a new job. He couldn’t honestly pretend that working as a bookstore assistant was more appealing to him than teaching. In fact, he missed everything about being a teacher. He was sceptical that there would be such a fond farewell party in the staff room of the bookstore. It was a quiet occupation. Not that many people bought books and his days consisted of stocking shelves, tidying, pricing and occasionally working the till. It differed from dealing with rowdy teenagers and marking ill-informed papers but Gabe figured that he could learn to love it if he gave it a chance. 

Gabe twisted the key in the lock of his apartment door and groaned to himself as he strode through the threshold. Back to an empty home. He didn’t bother with dinner. He jumped straight into the shower and the warm water washing over his skin was enough to relieve the tension from deep within joints. He needed about a year’s holiday. He reclined onto the couch and switched the television on. He didn’t care what he watched – he just needed to have the illusion of not being completely alone. Gabe went to the fridge in search of the red wine that he knew was in there. He set the bottle down on the counter and poured out a generous glass before re-joining the sofa. Half a bottle later, Gabe decided that he’d had enough of American television. He just wanted to go to sleep – and hopefully – never wake up; at least, not with life the way that it was. He didn’t want to have to fall asleep one more time feeling isolated, vacant and missing William to death. 

Gabe laid down in the darkness. His bed seemed too large when he wasn’t sharing it with anyone. With William’s arms around him was how he wanted to fall asleep. The emptiness and silence that poured from his heart bled into everything. The man closed his eyes into the dark and listened to the empty void that saturated the oxygen around him. His mind darted to William; not the William struggling in a hospital bed but the William that Gabe fell in love with. William had a sparkle in his eye and a mischievous smile on his face; perfect hair – perfect for pulling and a thin choker around his neck to highlight the area of pale skin that glowed there. The William that Gabe loved. The William that Gabe wanted to fuck. Gabe sat up in his bed. He sighed to himself. He tried to push all the thoughts of missing William; of William wasting away in hospital to the back of his head. His body was aching for release. He knew that it had been months since he last engaged in sexual activity. He actually hated jerking off. He hated touching himself; hearing himself like that – it made him feel cheap. William’s lips and the boy’s large, enticing pupils flashed into his head. Gabe bit his lip as he slipped out of his pyjamas and subsequently rested back underneath the covers. He tried to relax. He wished that William was next to him – to help him with this. Gabe pictured himself on his knees, hand around his dick; jacking off for William because that was what the boy wanted. Gabe cheeks burnt red with embarrassment. 

Masturbation was always going to be one of the most embarrassing sex acts he could ever perform. Sure, it would be easier if William was encouraging him but he would still feel foolish. He weakly wrapped his fingers around his limp cock and fidgeted on the mattress as he struggled to not feel ridiculous. He thought about how he would want William: wet and naked – and helpless. He scrunched his eyelids together and gulped. He imagined William showering in the bathroom and he was watching as the water rolled down William’s pale skin. Gabe shuffled in bed. His dick twitched into life at the sight of William drenched in water; his long, dark hair sticking to his neck. Gabe stripped himself all of his clothes and joined William in the shower, kissing the boy’s lips. He pinned the boy up against the wall with his body and William swallowed as Gabe’s nipples rubbed against his back. Gabe gently brushed the hair away from William’s neck and William remained patient as Gabe bent forward to place feather light kisses at the top of William’s spine. The boy shivered as the water pounded on both of them. Gabe dragged his lips along William’s neck and dug his teeth into William’s shoulder. William groaned as Gabe sucked at his skin. Gabe’s fingers ventured down to William’s ass and circled around his wet asshole. William whined but did not utter a word. Gabe laughed.

‘Soon, baby. I promise. You’re doing really well.’

‘Want you,’ William breathed.

‘I know,’ Gabe smirked.

Gabe’s fingertips dipped in and out of William’s hole. William exhibited the self-control that Gabe knew he was capable of. The boy bent over; resting his arms against the wall to allow Gabe better access. He was still as Gabe pressed his fingertips in slowly; teasing him – William gnawed on his lip as Gabe’s fingers lingered there; no intrusion – just the threat of it. William was struggling against it; hard and wet. Gabe watched the boy in all his beauty – hair plastered to his skin, eyes shimmering, quietly groaning as Gabe’s fingers made promises they weren’t going to keep. Gabe pulled away after sufficiently teasing the boy. William exhaled from deep within his lungs as Gabe’s fingers lost contact.

‘Turn around,’ Gabe whispered against the sound of the showerhead.

‘Aren’t you going to -,’ William whined back.

Gabe placed his lips on William’s to silence him. William moulded his lips into Gabe’s and the man let him before pulling away with a smug smile. ‘No. I’m not,’ Gabe murmured.

William let out a shrill noise in disappointment or desperation – Gabe couldn’t tell. ‘Please. I’ve been so good. Please. Baby,’ William begged.

Gabe moved forward; pushing William up against the tiles with his naked body. William’s expression was hopeful which made Gabe cackle. ‘The more you beg; the harder I’m going to make this for you,’ Gabe threatened. William swallowed. Gabe brought his lips to William’s right ear, tucking his dripping dark hair behind it and breathed against his skin. The boy shivered. ‘This isn’t too much, is it? You can always use your safety word. I love you. I don’t ever want to hurt you, babe.’

William shook his head. ‘Now you’re ruining it,’ William pouted. ‘I love you too. Keep going.’

Gabe nodded, pecking gently at William’s hairline.

‘Want to be used, huh?’ Gabe questioned.

William’s skin broke out into goose pimples. ‘Yes,’ he inhaled.

‘On your knees,’ Gabe ordered.

William sunk down without another word; his solid cock more visible between his pale thighs. Gabe’s own cock hung in front of William’s face; Gabe watched as William eyed it and licked his lips. The boy’s cock leaked pre-cum as Gabe’s hand gripped his hair and pulled him closer by tugging at his dark strands. Gabe gripped one hand on the boy’s long hair and anchored the other around his throat as his vision sternly cast over him. He felt the boy gasp and gulp against his touch. Gabe thought that William was beautiful - on his knees; a symbol of submissive sin. He loved this boy; his heart ached as he struggled to glance down at him through narrowed eyelids.

‘I’m going to fuck your mouth and you’re going to love it,’ Gabe purred. It wasn’t a command. It was a fact. William did love it. Gabe’s fingers stroked against William’s hair, both hands tugging at his autumnal strands, and the boy shivered. Gabe’s heart pound as the boy’s slim, long body was slick with wetness. His skin shined as the water continued to splash onto both of them. Gabe’s fist balled in the boy’s hair and William widened his eyes but didn’t protest against the action. He placed his hands onto the tiles of the floor to centre himself and struggled forward.

‘You ready?’ Gabe growled.

‘Y-yes,’ William swallowed.

Gabe’s lips curled into a wicked smirk as he pushed William’s head into his groin. William’s lips parted roughly around his stiff cock. Gabe let William readjust himself – his lips settling around the new intrusion of his mouth. Gabe smoothed down William’s hair without properly thinking about it as he waited for the boy to steady himself. Gabe felt William’s tongue smooth over the head of his cock.

‘Bad boy,’ Gabe cautioned. He thrust into William’s mouth slowly; letting his cock fill the space and he smiled when William placed his hands firmly on Gabe’s thighs. His fingertips dug into Gabe’s skin and the man attempted to remain composed. William’s lips grew scarlet as they stretched to accommodate Gabe. Gabe held William’s head still by the back of his head and lunged his hips until he was bucking up into William’s mouth. He repeated this motion; picking up the pace – his hips moving in a rhythmic pattern as his cock moved against the soft tissue of William’s mouth. Gabe’s pulse raced. He held back a groan as his cock hit the back of William’s throat and the boy gagged around him. Tears escaped William’s eyelids as Gabe fucked him; ruthlessly pounding the boy. Gabe gripped onto William’s long strands, tangling them between his fingers as he tried to focus on the sparks that were surging through his stomach and down his dick. William groaned around his erection and peered up at Gabe through watery vision.

‘Like that, huh? Like it when I treat you like a slut?’

William moaned in agreement as Gabe continued to buck his hips with little regard for the teenager below him.

Gabe jerked his hand around his cock beneath the covers; come spurting out onto his stomach and the comforter as his respiratory system tried not to lag behind. His breathing was ragged as he stretched his tired muscles and relaxed into the mattress. His heart sunk as he settled into the darkness alone. He felt empty. His eyes seeped tear droplets as he wept for the person he would give anything to have fall asleep in his arms. Without William, Gabe was dead inside. He sat up; ignoring the stickiness of his body and fumbled for his cell. He reached down to the bed stand drawer, taking a small card out. He wiped away his tears with his clean hand and his eyelids stung at the contact. His mouth grew dry and his hands tingled as he heaved oxygen into his lungs. The display light on his phone shone and he glared at it through blurry vision. He shakily poked out the number.

‘Hello?’ Gabe sniffed. After six rings; he had finally answered. He felt like an idiot but who else was he going to turn to?

‘Hey, Sport,’ Andy’s husky voice yawned. ‘Give me one sec.’

Gabe listened to shuffling which he imagined was Andy emerging from his bed. ‘Where are you going?’ Another voice grumpily questioned.

‘Don’t worry about it, Ronnie. Just go back to sleep,’ Andy lulled.

Gabe blinked back additional tears at the exchange between them. Not even Andy was sleeping alone.

‘Sorry about that,’ Andy chirped. His husky voice vibrated down the line and soothed Gabe’s mind with familiarity. ‘Are you okay? Or should I expect a phone call at 4am every morning from now on?’

The ease with which Andy’s tone radiated was such a contrast to everything else in Gabe’s life. He let himself fall under Andy’s charismatic spell.

‘Everything is so fucked up,’ Gabe sighed. ‘It’s all my fault.’

‘Now I’m sure that’s not true,’ Andy purred. ‘What happened?’

‘It’s Bilvy,’ Gabe sniffed. ‘He’s – he’s in hospital.’

‘What?’ Andy shrilled.

‘It’s okay. I saw it coming. It was my fault. I knew that he was struggling and I – I tried to help but – but I couldn’t – I couldn’t,’ Gabe sobbed.

‘Hey. It’s alright. Have you gone to see him?’ Andy hushed.

‘No,’ Gabe wept. ‘I thought that I should give him space, you know. He needs to be able to cope without me.’

‘Sport! You have to go and see him. Are you mad? He’s been admitted to hospital. He needs you now more than ever,’ Andy breathed.

‘But -,’ Gabe protested.

‘But nothing,’ Andy laughed. ‘You need to see him as soon as you can. How long has it been since he went into hospital?’

‘A few weeks,’ Gabe sniffed.

‘Tomorrow. Visit him. He needs you. He doesn’t need space – he needs the people that love him.’

‘How can I, A? How can I look at him or kiss him knowing that I put him in there?’

‘Don’t be so ridiculous. Did you make him ill?’

‘No –.’

‘Did you stop him from getting better?’

‘No but – I -,’ Gabe sniffed.

‘This isn’t your fault. This never could be. It’s nobody’s fault,’ Andy sighed.

‘I can’t - ,’ Gabe croaked.

‘Yes you can. You’re Gabe Saporta. You’re the strongest and most beautiful person that I’ve ever met. You’ll cope. You’re going to get through this. Bilvy needs you right now so you have to be strong for his sake.’

‘Andy – it just hurts so much. I love him. I love him more than he could ever imagine – and to have him in there – I feel like I’ve lost something – I’m so vacant.’

‘Sport,’ Andy hushed. ‘You’re going to be okay and so will Bilvy. You need some proper rest and to take care of yourself. Have you been eating properly?’

‘What good is it now?’ Gabe shrugged.

‘It’ll make all the difference. This has already ruined one person – it doesn’t have to infect anyone else’s life. You need to keep going and take care of yourself, alright? Promise me,’ Andy

‘When did you become so wise and responsible?’ Gabe chuckled.

‘I grew up,’ Andy smiled.

‘Andy, I’m sorry. I’m sorry about –,’ Gabe bit his lip. ‘I hope you can be happy one day.’

‘Don’t worry about me.’

‘You’re still with Ronnie?’ Gabe inquired.

‘Don’t ask like that,’ Andy pouted. ‘I know that we’re not forever but he’ll do for now.’

‘And that’s it? You’re just going to settle?’

‘Well… It’s still only – only,’ Andy gulped.

‘Me,’ Gabe breathed.

‘It’s okay,’ Andy swallowed.

‘Remember that time when Ashley was dumped by that girl and we spent like a whole afternoon trying to convince him that the universe is a lot more complicated and gracious than we would ever know?’

‘I think that I actually told him to nail some girls until he forgot about her,’ Andy laughed.

Gabe chortled at the memory. ‘You’re going to find someone else,’ Gabe promised him. ‘Maybe not right now but sooner than you think.’

‘You need to get some rest, Sport,’ Andy advised.

‘Alright. Thankyou. I do – I do love you,’ Gabe whispered. ‘Not like you want me to but I do.’

‘Good night, Gabe Saporta. Take care of yourself,’ Andy swallowed.  
‘You too,’ Gabe nodded. His thumb pressed over the crimson disengage button and he settled back against the mattress. His eyelids met of their own accord and Gabe’s cell fell from his hand onto the duvet. Though, Gabe was asleep – his head was no longer full of dreams. Without William, Gabe was left completely empty.


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thankyou for your support if you are still there. I am finally on summer break so I can (hopefully) update this far more regularly. Special thanks to the anon and willbeckett on tumblr - this chapter is especially for you! 
> 
> Just a reminder that if you like my writing on here - you can contact me on tumblr to ask questions/make comments at https://www.tumblr.com/blog/watabi12-composes-burlesques. If you would like to read more of my writing, there is also my side blog on tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/emo-fanfic-ideas or the fictional/journalistic blog that I am getting started on Wordpress: https://glitterdaydream.wordpress.com/ 
> 
> If you could check anything out or say hey then that would honestly be rad! 
> 
> I would like to end my rambling by highlighting that you are beautiful. There is always a way out of anything that you have to face but hurting yourself will never ever be it. You are not alone. Reach out. 
> 
> 'He thinks that he can just leave without anyone holding onto him? Well then he’s fucking wrong. Nobody can just come out of this world without breaking the people that love them.'

Gabe wasn’t ready to see him. He knew that he had to go but he couldn’t face it. He was clinging on to the blind hope that Bilvy was going to be getting better. Bilvy was stubborn and didn’t listen to anyone but himself so he knew how unlikely that was. Gabe stared at himself in the mirror fixed to his bathroom wall – he looked awful. His skin was becoming dry; he had deep pits of dark shades under his eyes and his lips were chapped. His long fingers fiddled with his fringe. He wanted to look perfect. He didn’t want William to be disappointed. He was terrified of what he was going to find. If he was being honest – hospitals just made him tense; he did not like them. He sighed as slipped into his shoes and sloped into the lounge to grab his jacket from the back of the sofa. _Everything is going to be alright._

He fumbled around for his car keys until he found them hiding beside the fruit bowl on the counter. He knew that Andy was right. He had to go and see him. He stared at the door and felt himself open it as he stepped out onto the stairwell. He drifted down the stairs and into his car. Gabe focussed on the radio and driving for the whole journey – not letting his mind drift. It wasn’t until his car was stationary in the hospital parking lot that he realised what he was doing. His fears were more real as he watched an old man, in a gown attached to a drip, smoking. His hair was messy and he appeared to be unfamiliar to the concept of shaving or personal hygiene. Gabe hoped Bilvy had been better taken care of than that. He inhaled and exhaled slowly until his shoulders lost tension. _Get it together. Gabe nodded to himself. He opened the car door and locked his car as he paced to the entrance._

   The automatic doors parted for him and he feverishly shuffled through them. He studied the signs on the wall. He couldn’t spot one for the psych ward so he waited in line at the front desk. He tried not to let his eyes convince him this was a dangerous place. He studied the office in front of him rather than looking at the waiting room of sick or injured people behind him. The woman behind the desk was darkly beautiful, average size with a larger build. Scrubs did not flatter her figure but her face was bright and cheerful. Her smile was warm as he approached the desk.

‘How can I help?’ she questioned.

‘I’m looking for the psych ward. My boyfriend is there,’ Gabe rambled. His cheeks blushed at the amount of unnecessary information that he had just volunteered. The women directed him up to the fourth floor and then from there: he simply followed the signs. As Gabe was rushing along the corridor – he was surprised by the appearance of William’s mother. Gabe’s pulse raced in his chest.

‘Mrs Beckett – I-,’ Gabe flustered.

‘Gabe. I was wondering when you were going to make an appearance. I wish you had come sooner if I’m being honest,’ the nurse sighed.

‘How – is he?’ Gabe stuttered.

The woman’s eyes dropped to the ground, away from Gabe’s eyes.  ‘He’s – he’s stable. He’s been asking for you. I just went to see him,’ the woman sniffed. ‘He was sleeping.’

‘Oh,’ Gabe swallowed. ‘Should I – umm – come back?’

‘No. I’ve actually been meaning to talk to you…’

‘Ummm…’

‘Gabe… Your intentions with Bilvy – with your age difference and your position -,’ she flustered. ‘I’ve looked into your eyes and I’m not doubting the validity of your feelings for him but -.’

‘My position is at a book store now. So, legally I can’t be persecuted. I know that’s not saying that it’s right but I love your son and everything I have ever done has been in his best interest. I know it’s a little unorthodox but I’m in love with him. I don’t know what else to tell you.’

The woman smiled. ‘Tell me that you’re going to spend every waking second making him happy. Promise me that you’ll protect him from himself and the rest of the world,’ the woman sniffed.

‘I promise,’ Gabe whispered back. His throat grew dry and he swallowed against it.

‘You want to go right and then just ask at the desk,’ the woman advised. Gabe watched her walk away, feeling his heart exploding in his chest. _This was a bad idea, asshole. You shouldn’t have come._

Gabe followed her instructions and queried William’s name at the desk, wandering around until he found the right room. He lingered outside; his nerves filling every orifice of his being. He watched a tall, lanky, young man in scrubs fiddle with drips next to William’s bed and then place some implements on a cart. He watched as the man opened the door, not allowing his vision to roam directly onto his boyfriend’s profile. He needed the bathroom. He could feel his skin reddening.

The door opened and the man seemed surprised by Gabe’s presence. He jerked the trolley to an emergency stop and smiled clumsily.

‘Are you here to see William?’

‘Um. Yeah. How is he?’

‘I’m Dallon. I’m a trainee nurse,’ the man grinned.

‘I’m Gabe,’ Gabe breathed.

‘ _The_ Gabe?’

‘Well… Unless Bilvy has a load more he hasn’t told me about – I guess so,’ Gabe shrugged nervously.

‘He’s not doing as well as we had hoped. He – he’s not responding to treatment very well and – well, we’re all remaining hopeful but -,’ Dallon sighed. ‘He’s a great kid.’

‘Yeah. He is,’ Gabe agreed warmly. ‘You don’t need to sugar coat anything for me. Just tell me straight – how bad is it?’

‘Well,’ Dallon coughed. ‘His body is running into the last of his internal supplies and if he wasn’t being machine fed – we’re not sure how long -.’

‘- Okay,’ Gabe interrupted. ‘Guess I should go in there and bust his ass, huh?’

‘He’d really like to see you. He asks after you every day,’ Dallon smiled.

Gabe’s eyes wandered down to his feet. ‘Thanks.’

       Dallon continued pushing his trolley along, holding the door open behind him for Gabe. Gabe stepped through it without thinking. His eyes resting on William’s body, hidden under bed blankets and a hospital gown. He was asleep. He looked like an angel. Gabe shuffled forward, refusing to let the tears stream out of his eyes. He placed himself in the chair next to the bed and reached out to hold William’s hand. His fingers were hard and cold, more like bone. His skin was deep set against his collarbones as if they were trying to tear themselves from out of his body. His skull shaped his entire face.

The rest of his body was lost beneath layers and Gabe was glad that he couldn’t see anything else. His boyfriend resembled death. Suddenly, William stirred and his eyes opened – still the beautiful, belgian tone that Gabe always adored. William smiled. His cheekbones threatened to slit his skin open. Gabe shifted uncomfortably at the prospect. As William tightened his grip on Gabe’s hand, he felt the dryness of his flesh and the desperation behind the boy’s hand.

‘Hey,’ Gabe whispered playfully. Despite everything, he felt strangely settled to finally be in union with the one he loved.

‘I was starting to think you weren’t coming,’ William hummed back at him.

‘Don’t be ridiculous. I just wanted to give you some space,’ Gabe hushed. William moved his head, revealing clumps of baldness on his scalp.

‘Will you do me a favour?’ William fawned.

‘Sure,’ Gabe nodded.

‘Will you kiss me? Please,’ William blinked.

Gabe laughed. _The boy hadn’t changed._ Gabe came to his feet and leant over William’s body, feeling his lifeless, dull eyes roll over his skin. He moved forward, his lips moulding into William’s – he felt the boy’s body _breathe_. His lips were sore and chapped but Gabe ignored that as he kissed him. He focussed on how William’s hands danced through his hair and the moan that he uttered into his mouth. Gabe pulled back first. William wheezed for oxygen.

‘Thank you,’ the boy whispered. ‘I love you.’

‘I love you too,’ Gabe sighed.

‘Will you – get into bed with me and hold me like you used to? I’m so tired and I’ve missed you so much.’

‘Bilvy – visiting hours will end soon and I’ll have to go home.’

‘But – I only just – got you back,’ William squirmed. ‘You can’t go. Please don’t – don’t go,’ the boy panicked.

‘Hey,’ Gabe grinned. He cursed at himself for being such a sap. He drifted towards the window and brought down the blinds, before returning to William’s side and setting himself down on the bed. He slid his shoes off and kicked them underneath the bed. His arms stretched around William’s frail frame. ‘I’m not going anywhere,’ he whispered. ‘I’m staying right here with you.’

‘Promise?’ William pouted.

‘Promise. Where else am I going to go?’

‘Go to sleep. I’ll still be here when you wake up,’ Gabe lulled. William settled into his body and Gabe wrapped his arms around the boy. He kissed William’s neck and relaxed into the hospital bed. William was still there somewhere. He was going to hold on until he found him. He was home now. William was home.

 

****

Gabe was awoken by voices. He pressed his eyelids tightly shut as his head and the bones pressing into his skin reminded him where he was. He listened to the environment around him. William’s shallow breathing sunk into his consciousness. He shivered. He heard busy nurses’ footsteps pounding down the floor tiles but that wasn’t what had disturbed him. It was the muffled voices too close by that had disrupted his unconsciousness. He shifted as he listened, clenching his grip around William until his skin rubbed against the bone of the boy’s slim body.

‘First time I have seen William sleep all the way through the night since he was admitted here,’ a voice commented.

‘I know. They are so cute,’ a second voice pandered.

Gabe supressed a grin.

‘William has been waiting all this time for the guy to come back,’ the second voice continued. ‘Maybe now we’ll finally see some progress.’

‘Well,’ the first voice sighed. ‘We can only hope. But we can’t expect this development to work wonders. It’s up to William alone to fight against his issues.’

‘What are they doing there like that?’ A third voice scowled.

‘What does it look like?’ the second voice scoffed back.

‘It’s against ward procedure to have guests in the wards past visiting hours. What if there had been an incident at night? Anything could have happened? This is a hospital – not a hotel.’

‘If you have a problem with my patient’s congress then you are more than welcome to form an official complaint. Or, alternatively, you could just take out the massive stick up your ass,’ the first voice replied.

Gabe tensed. ‘I have no idea what you are talking about -,’ the third voice exasperated.

‘I’m not stupid. You don’t care that they have broken the rules. You think I don’t hear you in the fucking doctor’s lounge? You are upset that my patient is gay.’

‘That’s not -,’ the third voice interjected, only to be cut off.

‘Yes it is. You want to file a complaint against my conduct? Then maybe I will make sure the board investigates this ward thoroughly; starting with the _inclusive_ manner that all members of staff inhibit towards _all_ patients. I imagine there are incidents that would make for _very_ interesting reading.’

There was a silence. Gabe shifted slightly into it, listening to the harmonic rhythm of William’s breaths beside him. Gabe heard heavy footsteps and the door shut.

‘Fuck,’ the first voice whispered. ‘That was totally badass.’

‘All in a day’s work. Seriously though, she had a point. If they aren’t awake by nine – make sure to get their attention. We don’t need people to know that we had a visitor in here all night.’

Gabe heard the door echo to a halt once more and there was a silence. The only immediate sounds was someone fiddling about with things beside the bed and William’s hypnotic heart palpations. Gabe listened to them. One.  Two. Three. Four. He felt himself being tossed back into sleep. He didn’t fight it. He simply let William’s breathing sing him to sleep again; his bony body by his side – exactly how he wanted to fall asleep every night.

****

William stirred when he heard voices. He couldn’t bring himself to open his eyes; they were weighed down with months, maybe even years, of exhaustion. His heart pumped blood around his body with a wheeze and he ignored the dull ache that was always present throughout his body. _No. No. No. Why am I awake again?_ When he shifted, his fingers itched as they brushed against Gabe’s and a faint smile echoed on his face. This morning wasn’t as bad as most of them. This morning was clouded by Gabe. His thoughts hushed when his ears tuned into his surroundings. The shoes on the hospital tiles, the sharp tubes in his arm and nose, the questionable quality of the mattress – and voices. He recognised both. He turned onto his back with some difficulty in an attempt to pay closer attention.

‘Such a nice kid,’ Dallon sighed.

‘Yeah, he is. He’s perfect,’ Gabe replied. William lips attempted to ghost a grin again. _Perfect._

‘He’s talked about you non-stop since he came in here, you know. Maybe this is unprofessional - I don’t know but you need to try and make him see sense. He’s seventeen. He’s so young; he has his whole life ahead of him. If – if he doesn’t start getting better soon, he _will_ die. I’m not saying this because I want to scare you – it’s just a fact. If he continues to decline as much as he has in the last few weeks, we’ll be burying him before the end of the month.’

‘That’s not going to happen. I’ll talk to him when he wakes up,’ Gabe voice cracked. ‘I’m going to make sure he understands this time. Believe me. I know how serious this is; we just have to get _him_ to see it.’ William felt his throat burn with guilt into the silence that followed. ‘Fuck!’ Gabe cried. ‘I love him. If he dies – if I did this then I will never be able to forgive myself. I’ve let him down. I’ve let everyone down and I don’t know how to fix it,’ Gabe sobbed. ‘I keep thinking that one day I’m going to wake up and everything is going to start getting better and then it doesn’t – I just,’ Gabe’s voice broke.

‘I don’t know how much more of this I can take. He’s my everything. I’m so lucky to have him in my life. He thinks that he can just leave without anyone holding onto him? Well then he’s fucking wrong. If he dies then I’m going with him and as for his mom - ,’ Gabe sighed. ‘ _Nobody_ can just come out of this world without breaking the people that love them. Doesn’t he understand that? He needs to get a fucking grip and realise that _the people that love him are real_ , we’re alive - with flesh and blood and feelings. He can’t hurt himself without hurting us. That’s just how love works. If he wants to let go then he’ll have to take me with him because I am never letting go of him. I’ll break every bone in my body before I give up on him, no matter how much he has given up on himself. I’m going to fix this.’

‘Hey,’ Dallon finally piped up. ‘Listen to me. His mental illness is not your fault. William is responsible for his own behaviour and how he copes with his mental instability. You have to look after yourself or it has broken two people and honestly, you don’t deserve that. There’s a difference between giving up on him and not carrying the weight of the world on your own. Trust me, I’m a mental health nurse.’

‘Doesn’t your badge say trainee?’ Gabe joked.

‘Damn. You caught me on a technicality,’ Dallon winked back. ‘ _He’s_ the lucky one. You obviously love him very much.’

‘More than anyone will ever know,’ Gabe whispered.

     William felt the bile bubbling up in his stomach but it wasn’t concerning his weight. It was guilt. _How could I have been this selfish? What is wrong with me? That was the moment of realisation. William finally realised how wrong he had been. The thoughts were still there – spewing their poison into his head but it wasn’t the same because William realised something. He mattered. He was_ _loved_. _This is the turning point. How long do you want to drag all this pain out for? No. It’s time to grow up. You’re hurting the people you love and even if you can live with hurting yourself; hurting them like this is unforgivable. How could you have been so unappreciative of the people around you?_

It was time to find the way back home. _It’s time to breathe again. It’s time to wake up._ William was resolved. No matter how awful things were – they would cope with it as long as they were _together._ He had lost himself in the darkness but he refused to stay lost. He was going to find his way back because Gabe deserved that, but more than that – somewhere deep down there was a silent spring of hope. He needed to find his voice again. He was going to get better and have a brighter life because he knew that _he_ deserved it. This was it. He had been living like nothing mattered for too long. Listening to Gabe was the final straw. _No. Time is running out. It’s time to wake up_. Life is waiting.


	30. Chapter 30

‘Hey, there he is,’ Gabe whispered sweetly into William’s ear as soon as his eyes creaked open. William always hated waking up – especially in a hospital where the IV on his arm constantly itched and the feeder in his nose dully stung but he was happy to wake up beside Gabe; beautiful Gabe – the love of his life. He felt beyond sick. His stomach was begging him for something; anything and it was a feeling that he had long since learnt to ignore; much like the tired screams of his eyes and the empty depth that was staked through his soul. Gabe’s hand came to rest on William’s head, so gently, and his finger tucked a strand of William’s hair behind his ear.

William turned to face Gabe, instantly blinking back as he drank him in; illuminated by daylight. His perfectly clear tanned skin, dark, brooding features and high set cheekbones. William had been dreaming about this moment for a really long time; ever since Gabe had waved goodbye over two weeks ago. It was the only thing keeping him going, the fact that, he hoped, Gabe was out there in the world praying for him to get better.

Now his dream was there beside him, breathing against his skin and playing with his hair; tangible flesh and bone. William wanted to unequivocally apologise. He wasn’t better; however, he wasn’t in denial anymore. He was _ill_. He had hurt people – the people that he held most dear in his heart. He wanted to put things right now. He needed to get better and make things right. He hated that Gabe or his mom or any of his friends – they didn’t trust him but he knew it was for good reason and he only had himself to blame. He had fucked up too many times to expect them to trust him. He hadn’t really been listening in therapy that much.

He had remained the silent, sarcastic type for all his sessions. His therapist just seemed so _nice_ and he hated it. _Fuck her. Thinking she has any right to read my mind. Deep down, William knew the real reason that he didn’t want to participate in therapy was because it would be too painful. He would have to sit there and talk about how he hurt the ones that he loved on a quest to hurt himself. He knew that it was unforgivable. He didn’t know how to form the words to say it. Whenever he tried, it just resulted in anger that he was made to go to therapy at all._

The truth was: there were no words good enough. Language was not enough to express what he had done and it couldn’t convey the amount of regret and remorse that ran through his blood. He had lied, cheated and abused the trust of those he loved. He had stretched their love and patience to the end. He could buy all the chocolates, flowers and sorry cards in the world but it wouldn’t cover it. He had broken the only things that _really mattered_ and if he had hated himself before – it was nothing to how much he hated himself now he saw everything in the cold light of day.

‘Are you okay?’ Gabe whispered. The words made William jump as Gabe kissed him lightly on the cheek. The familiarity was comforting, even though it was slightly strange that they were in a hospital and they had spent so much time apart.

‘I’m just -,’ William tried. ‘I’m just really sorry -,’ William whispered, only to be cut off.

‘Hey no. Please. Don’t. It’s okay,’ Gabe smiled.

‘No. It’s not. I don’t know how you’ll ever forgive me for what I have done but I am so sorry. I was so selfish and I know how much this has hurt you but I promise – I’m going to get better and make things up to you – t-t-to all of you.’

Gabe grinned down at William and William’s heart strained his chest. The bent down and lightly kissed William’s lips. ‘I forgive you,’ he whispered. ‘I know that you won’t believe me but I do, William Beckett. I forgive you.’

    Just as William was about to speak, Dallon opened the door with a trolley of food. William didn’t realise it was that time already. They both watched in silence as Dallon wheeled the cart in and smiled his dorky lips at the two men. ‘Hey there, lovebirds. I hope you slept well last night at your sleepover. Jenna – Doctor Mcdougall – said she would really appreciate it if you could use the chairs for the rest of the day,’ Dallon shrugged.

‘Does he have to?’ William protested. ‘I like him close,’ William grumbled.

‘Don’t shoot the messenger,’ Dallon laughed, placing his hands up.

‘It’s okay. Look, I’m just here,’ Gabe whispered, moving from the bed to the chair, instantly connecting their hands. William had the urge to squeeze tight – to check he was actually there and it wasn’t some horrible trick of his imagination; even if it was, he didn’t want to let go. _Fuck this hospital and their stupid rules._ William hated being treated like a child in day-care. He was almost eighteen. In fact, his eighteenth birthday was fast approaching. He simply tightened his lips together. ‘This is for you,’ Dallon sang, placing the can on the side next to William. William glared at it in distain. He tried to convince himself that it couldn’t hurt him; that food wasn’t the enemy anymore.

‘Would you like a bowl with that or a spoon? Or maybe a glass?’ Dallon offered. William shook his head. He thought maybe it would be easier to consume if he couldn’t see it. ‘You know, if you can do a week of liquids then maybe in another week – we can start trying solids again,’ Dallon enthused.

‘Thanks,’ William sighed.

‘Don’t forget therapy this afternoon,’ Dallon reminded him.

‘Yeah. Don’t worry. I remembered,’ William swallowed. His eyes were fixed on the can beside him. _You can do this. You can. Food is not the enemy. You have to get better._

‘Is there anything else you want?’ Dallon asked.

‘No. We’re good.’

‘Well, I’ll come and check on you later. Okay, Bilvy? Just give the can a go?’

‘I will,’ William smiled faintly.

‘Okay then. I’ll see you later,’ Dallon winked. William sighed as Dallon walked out with the food trolley.

     William studied the cold, metal can. It has some name on it. William had no intention actually reading it. He didn’t want to know what it was or how many calories it had. He just wanted it to be gone. William had been one for causing a scene at meal times for the first week that he spent at hospital. He would knock the food on the floor to make it inedible or pour water into his meal back when they were still trying to ply him solids. With liquids, he could still tip it onto the floor or find some other to spoil it. _But what was the point?_ The only real to get rid of it was to digest it. Besides, Gabe was here now. William turned his attention to Gabe, who had been sitting silently, reading all of William’s body language. William didn’t realise that his hands were shaking. His whole body was telling him not to do this. He felt sick, noticeably sick and he hadn’t even swallowed anything yet.

‘You okay there?’ Gabe questioned.

William shook his head. His eyes falling back on the can. The whole room seemed to emerge from it, like an artist had drawn the room and placed the can as the central fixture.

‘I – I can’t,’ William sniffed.

‘Yes, you can. I promise. You are stronger than you think and you can do it,’ Gabe smiled. He squeezed the boy’s hand playfully. ‘I know you can.’

‘Will you – will you open it – for me – please?’

‘If that will help,’ Gabe gulped.

‘It will. Can you hold my hand – as I – drink it?’ William blushed. He felt so stupid – being scared of a _can_.

‘Sure,’ Gabe nodded. Gabe seized the can and pulled it open. ‘Here,’ the man said as his hands gripped one of William’s and passing him the opened can. William figured the best way to do it was like a shot. Just try to get it over and done with. He took a breath. _Don’t. Fat. Fat. Fat. What about the calories? It will kill you._ He tried to ignore the thoughts in his head and drown them out with logic. _No. This is killing me. You are killing. We’re not the same anymore. You’re not me and I’m doing this._ William grabbed the can with a shaky grip and gulped in air. _3\. 2. 1._ He put the can to his lips, not letting his eyes stray from Gabe, who was nodding in support. He focused on Gabe’s eyes and Gabe’s hands in his as he let the liquid slide down his throat. He swallowed until it was all gone. It was over in a matter of minutes. William placed the can back on the side and rested back against the hospital bed, breathing like oxygen was foreign to him.

‘That was awesome,’ Gabe smiled. ‘I am so proud of you. Are you feeling okay?’

‘Yeah,’ William breathed. He could feel his stomach fighting the need to digest after all this time without food. William felt like he was going to throw up. He laid back, letting the bed consume him – focusing on Gabe’s soft expression and the fabric beneath him. _Just breathe. You are okay._

‘Thanks for doing this with me,’ William smiled.

‘I’ll always be there to do things with you. Anything. I love you, you idiot,’ Gabe chuckled. Warmth filled every part of William’s body. ‘Are you going to be okay for a second? I just need to make a call.’

‘Yeah. I’m going to be okay,’ William nodded. William didn’t imagine himself ever saying those words and meaning it – but here he was; eating and actually showing a little faith. Maybe he really could get better. Maybe everything really was going to be okay.

 

****

William watched the clock tick. His stomach ached and his throat felt sore. In fact, he could swear his whole body was vibrating. He sat there in the chair, his spindly legs tucked underneath the chair legs.

‘So, how have you been since last time?’

Lyn always started like that. It was a predictably broad question which was phrased so that William would have to volunteer information.

‘It’s been okay, Doctor Gunn,’ William shrugged with a hint of contempt in his voice.

‘Please, call me Lyn,’ she smiled. ‘When you say okay – would you like to explain that to me? Because most people wouldn’t say that being in a mental institution constituted as _okay_.’

William rolled his eyes. He guessed he deserved that for saying such a ridiculous thing.

‘I ate today,’ William blurted out. It would be better than talking about how badly he had managed to fuck up his own life.

‘Really? That’s amazing! How do you feel about this development?’

William shuffled uncomfortably at the question. ‘Well, I feel kinda upset with myself that I did it and that I didn’t do it sooner. I guess when I get past the thoughts that hate food – I’m proud of myself for doing it.’

‘When you say the thoughts that hate food – these are the most dominant thoughts, right? But you have separated them from _your_ thoughts. Why do you think that is?’

‘I don’t know,’ William swallowed. He fell silent and all that remained was the sound of the ticking clock.

‘I think that maybe you know somewhere that those thoughts are not your conscious thoughts and they do not make you who you are. You have separated yourself from them because you don’t identify yourself as being a part of them. Do you think that could be it?’

William shrugged. He knew that she was right but he didn’t want to give her the satisfaction. He didn’t really know why he was so hostile towards her. After all, she had done nothing but try to help but it just seemed so futile and he hated the fact that she thought she had the right to his thoughts because she had a college degree and the word _'psychiatrist'_ in front of her name. _Fuck that._

‘I guess – well – I don’t know. Those thoughts aren’t mine, in a way – or more - aren’t me. I don’t know how they get into my head but I never put them there.’

‘It’s a really good thing if you can establish the difference between those thoughts and yourself. It means that you have the upper hand. You have the power not to listen to those thoughts,’ Lyn nodded.

‘Do you really think so?’

‘Absolutely. I feel as though you’re reaching a turning point. Don’t you?’

‘M-m-maybe,’ William shrugged.

For the first time since coming into hospital, William was starting to think that there was a way out. He was starting to sense some strength inside himself that he never believed existed. He could get better. He was going to fight or die trying. If everyone around him wasn’t giving up on him then what right did he have to give up on himself? No. Enough was enough. He was getting better, if it was the last thing he ever did. He was getting out of this hospital and out of the mess that he had made - for good.


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey. Here is another chapter. Thankyou for your support, lovelies. I hope you enjoy it.

Ryan was awake when the alarm sounded to wake Brendon and him for school. Ryan closed his eyes against the feel of Brendon’s lips at his bare shoulder. He didn’t want to wake up and start a whole day of guilt and emptiness again.

‘Ry,’ Brendon whispered gently. ‘You going to get up?’

Ryan turned over onto his back and faced Brendon, opening his eyes with contempt for the daylight. ‘Is it compulsory?’

‘Well… kind of,’ Brendon smiled.

‘Boys,’ Grace shouted from downstairs. ‘Time to get ready for school.’

‘Look,’ Brendon sighed affectionately. ‘I know you feel like shit and honestly, nobody is blaming you – I mean, who wouldn’t in your situation? But, babe, you have to keep pushing through.’ Brendon leant forward to connect their lips briskly. Ryan held him there when he tried to push away. Brendon smirked. ‘Okay. So if I do that thing with my tongue you like – will you get up?’

‘Maybe,’ Ryan simpered.

Brendon laughed as he raised the duvet and ventured underneath it. Ryan laid back trying not to let the lack of sleep bleed into his consciousness or sadness fall out of his eyes.

‘Boys – your mother said-,’ Boyd burst in before cutting himself off. Ryan sat up and Brendon laid himself flat against the mattress in the hope his father wouldn’t see him underneath the covers. ‘Ryan, where’s Brendon?’ Boyd blinked.

‘Uh. I think he went into the bathroom. I’m not sure,’ Ryan replied with increasingly dry mouth and wide eyes.

‘I really must remember to knock one of these days. I wonder where that boy has got to,’ Boyd chirped. ‘You need to get up or you’ll be late.’

‘Okay. I will,’ Ryan nodded. Boyd smiled back to him and proceeded to shut the door behind him.

Brendon’s head poked up from underneath the comforter. ‘We’ll have to do this later,’ Brendon shrugged. He leant forward to kiss Ryan’s cheek chastely. Brendon had no shame about his body; he walked out of the room in his underwear. Ryan drank in his boyfriend’s shoulder blades and how his back muscles flexed as he stretched.

He sighed as he pulled the covers away from himself and looked through the drawer of clothes that Brendon’s parents had bought him. Honestly, Ryan felt like he had trespassed on their kindness for too long. He knew what they said about him being family and that he could stay as long as he wanted to but Ryan just felt like a burden on Brendon’s parents. If Ryan was being completely honest, he felt like a burden on _Brendon_. He loved that boy so much – the very last thing he wanted was to weigh him down with all his problems.

‘Boys – breakfast,’ Grace called from the kitchen.

Ryan didn’t really care about his hair anymore. He changed into his clothes and brushed his hair in the mirror, blinking back at the dried skin and exhausted eyes that stared back at him. _You look like shit._ Ryan grabbed his school bag, shoes and jacket, rushing down the stairs and into the dining room. He dumped his belongings by the door on his way through and sat at the table with Brendon’s parents.

       ‘Good morning, Ryan,’ Grace sang. ‘Are you feeling okay? You look pale, sweetie.’

‘I’m fine, Grace, really. How about you?’ Ryan mustered.

‘Such a well-mannered boy. I’m good, darling. Didn’t see Bren on your way down here, did you?’

‘Nope.’

Ryan looked at Boyd who was reading the newspaper as he munched on toast. Ryan ate his lucky charms in silence from then on. When he finished, he pushed the bowl away from him – he felt like he was going throw up. ‘Thank you for breakfast. I’m going to brush my teeth now,’ Ryan mumbled.

‘You're welcome, sweetie. If you see that boyfriend of yours – tell him to get a move on,’ Grace mothered.

Ryan nodded. He travelled back up the stairs and into the bathroom – where his boyfriend was standing, focussed on the mirror in front of him with hair gel on his hand. Ryan went towards the sink and picked up his toothbrush. ‘You really don’t need to bother about that. You look beautiful anyway and if you don’t go down and eat – I think your mom is probably going to sacrifice you to Satan,’ Ryan grinned.

‘I’m almost finished. There’s still time.’ Brendon turned to him. ‘You okay, baby? You look,’ Brendon struggled to find the correct word. ‘Sick.’

‘I’m fine,’ Ryan puffed. He rubbed his hand down his face and pressed the toothbrush under the running tap. As Ryan put the toothbrush in his mouth, his could feel his breakfast rising up in his throat. He quickly placed his tooth on the sink and dashed for the toilet before he heaved the contents of his stomach into the bowl.

‘Baby,’ Brendon uttered, alarmed. He rushed to his boyfriend’s aid, rubbing his back with his free hand and passing him some toilet roll. ‘Mom!’ Brendon called.

Ryan wanted to protest against it and tell him not to make a fuss but when he opened his mouth to speak; his stomach flipped again.

‘Yes, dear. What -,’ Grace stopped in the doorway, surprised by the both their positions. ‘Oh, you poor thing. I thought you looked unwell.’

Ryan shook his head, dabbing at his mouth and flushing the toilet. ‘I’m fine.’

‘I really think you should stay home today, Ry,’ Grace pouted.

‘Honestly, I’m okay. Please don’t fuss,’ Ryan muttered.

‘Brendon, would you go downstairs for me and eat your breakfast,’ Grace ordered. Brendon shrugged, washing the gel from his hands and then heading downstairs.

      ‘Ryan. You really don’t have to go to school, sweetheart. With everything that’s happening – a day off might be just what you need,’ Grace smiled.

‘Really – I,’ Ryan started.

Grace pulled Ryan into a hug. ‘You’re family now so you should let me look after you.’ Ryan's guts churned over the fact that his own mother couldn’t stand the sight of him but some practical stranger had opened up her home and her heart to him. His own mom hadn’t hugged him in months and Grace’s arms clung around him, comforting and relentless. ‘If you feel a little better later – I’ll drive you and Brendon to the hospital to see William, how about that?’

‘That would be really nice,’ Ryan nodded. ‘He’s awake now so I should be able to talk to him. I can tell him -,’ Ryan sniffed, feeling the tears drip from eyes without his permission. ‘I can tell him how sorry I am for letting him down.’

‘Sweetie,’ Grace sighed compassionately. ‘You never let him down. You’re still here. You’re still fighting for him to get better, aren’t you?’ Ryan nodded. ‘Then you haven’t let him down. Not one bit.’ _I have._ Ryan wiped at his eyes with his sleeve. ‘Are you going to stay home?’ Ryan shook his head. ‘In that case, you should get finished up here and get ready to go. I need you in the car in fifteen minutes.’

‘You got it,’ Ryan sniffled. He watched as Grace disappeared and he was left by himself, the gaping black whole where his heart once was, sucking everything inside of him into it – including his will to live.

****

Ryan sat looking at the clock tick on the wall. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. T-i-c-k. –T-o-c-k. Every second growing slower and slower. He had kissed Brendon goodbye when the bell went and was now waiting for Mr. Way to appear in his office. Ryan had been assigned to him for a meeting every month after the _episode_ in the hallway. Ryan slumped back in the chair, feeling his soul seep through him with every strike of the second hand on the clock.

Gerard piled in, clutching a stack of papers to his chest, whilst both shoulders carried bags and his free hand clung onto a cup of coffee. Luminous orange strands of his hair stuck out in different directions and contrasted his pale skin. His suit didn’t seem to quite fit him, his shirt sagging out  - leaving his belt just peeking out from beneath the white material.

‘Ryan. Just give me one second,’ Gerard smiled.

Ryan half-heartedly returned the man’s smile and tried to ignore him as he arranged himself and his belongings. ‘So,’ Gerard started. Gerard finally pulled out his chair after about five minutes of rushing around. ‘How are you feeling today?’

‘Not that great, to be honest. I threw up earlier,’ Ryan exhaled.

‘Oh no. Are you sick? If you are, then you should really have stayed at home,’ Gerard lectured.

‘I’m not sick,’ Ryan snapped. ‘Just tired and fucking – fucking stressed.’

Gerard pouted. ‘Please do not use that language here. Tell me calmly – what exactly is the problem?’

‘The problem is that my own goddamn parents hate me for something I have no actual control and my boyfriend’s parents, who are _fucking religious_ , are welcoming me into their family with literal open arms. Everyone here sucks: calling Bren and I fags down the hall and my best friend is in hospital. Bilvy told me. He told me about it. He asked for my help and I did _nothing_ – I just stayed on the side-lines out of fear – and selfishness - and thought that he would be able to control it; that he would get better – I watched him kill himself and did nothing. Now, he’s in hospital fighting for his life and it’s _all my fault_. If I had just told someone or found somewhere safe for him to go then maybe he wouldn’t be where he is now. My parents are right – I’m a waste of space.’

‘Ryan,’ Gerard soothed. ‘What would you have done? Force him to eat against his own will? Told his mom? Told me? That’s all well and good but unless William wants to get better - then none of us can help him. Not you, not his mother and certainly not me. If you had alerted someone – does that mean that he wouldn’t be where he is now? Probably not. Ryan, he would have ended up in the same place, eventually.’

‘You don’t know that,’ Ryan protested.

      ‘Well, you and I both know how stubborn William is. We both know that he’s too self-depreciative for his own good and won’t ask for help, even if he wanted to in case he made someone worry or caused too much of a fuss. If I’m being honest, you and I both know that what William has is a mental disorder and no matter how much we all tell him the truth about himself; about food – it wouldn’t have had the slightest of consequence because he _can’t_ see reality. My honest opinion is that William would have ended in hospital either way. Nobody has the power to make him better – only he can do that. So please – please don’t blame yourself for what he is going through. That’s not your fault – you didn’t take food away from him, you didn’t lead him into the bathroom and force him to throw up. He did that to himself. Only William can fix this.’

Ryan blinked down to the floor, not wanting to look up at Gerard. He couldn’t shake the weight of the guilt from his shoulders. ‘As for other students calling you names – well, you can just tell a member of staff about that and we will do our best to protect you. I hate to be the one to say this, but really high school is a microcosm of the real world and you are going to find as much ignorance out there as you do here so I know that it is really awful but the best that you can do is try to ignore it and keep being proud of who you are. Rome wasn’t built in a day but things will get better for you in time.’

       ‘So that’s your advice? Just suck it up?’ Ryan scowled.

‘Ryan, I wish there was another solution to this but there isn’t. I can’t ban ignorance from the school. I reiterate, please do inform us about any hostile behaviour and I promise that I will do my best to punish those responsible. Even if I talked to each of their parents, I doubt that the apples are falling far from the trees. You and I both know that it is an appalling way to behave and it is the most horrific attitude to have but I have no power against this.’

Ryan sighed. It wasn’t Gerard’s fault. He resigned himself. ‘Are we done here? I need the bathroom,’ Ryan breathed.

‘Are you going to stay out of trouble?’

‘Yes,’ Ryan hissed.

‘I’m always around if you need to talk,’ Gerard offered.

‘Thanks,’ Ryan beamed. He picked up his bag and his jacket. He headed out into the corridor then proceeded to the male bathroom. He looked at himself in the mirror and swallowed at his reflection.

‘Hey Ryan,’ a voice piped up behind him.

Ryan turned around to find Pete stood there; same shit eating grin and smug face. ‘Look. Just save your homophobic jibes for today. I’m really not in the mood. Take a fucking day off,’ Ryan snarled.

‘I – ugh – I just wanted to ask if William is okay?’ Pete asked in earnest.

Ryan was taken aback by this admission. ‘You care about him all of a sudden? I thought you only cared when he was on his knees for you.’ Pete stood there and stared at him with impossibly innocent eyes. Ryan exhaled. ‘I don’t know very much. I know he’s stable and that he’s awake enough to talk to people but I don’t know much else. I don’t think he’s doing as well as they hoped he would but I’m sure he’ll recover in time.’

Pete nodded, backing away slowly. ‘Don’t follow me out of here in case anyone sees.’

Ryan rolled his eyes. _Afraid you’re going to catch gay, fucking idiot?_ Pete vanished out of the door. Ryan washed his hands. He decided he couldn’t deal with class right now and went to the library. He would go to the next class. He needed the next twenty minutes to go faster. In fact, he wanted to fast-forward the entire day. He knew he was right to be suspicious about waking up. It never did him any good.

****

Ryan didn’t like hospitals. He always thought it was where the dead went. Brendon walked in front of him, holding his hand whilst following the signs. Brendon suitably dragged him up to Bilvy’s ward. They both looked at him through the glass window and Brendon turned around quickly.

‘Oh, fuck,’ Brendon cursed. Ryan watched as Bilvy talked to the nurse that was there with him. ‘That college dude I went out with a few times. That’s fucking him.’

‘What? Where?’ Ryan puzzled.

‘The nurse. That’s him. That’s Dallon. He must be on a placement or something.’

‘Oh,’ Ryan sighed. Ryan would have been more involved in that if he wasn’t watching his best friend lay still, tied up to machines, looking dreadful. Dallon grinned dorkily to both of them as he walked out.

‘He’s all yours,’ Dallon chimed. Dallon paused. ‘Brendon? What are you doing here?’ Dallon pulled Brendon into a hug. _Okay. That was a little irritating._

‘Um. Hey. My boyfriend is Bilvy’s best friend. This is Ryan. Ryan, Dallon.’

‘No way. Small world. It's nice to meet you,’ Dallon sang.

‘You too. How – how is he?’ Ryan asked.

‘He’s actually doing a lot better now. He’s made good progress on liquids and if he can continue with that then we should be able to put him on solids in the foreseeable future.’

‘I’m sure he would love to see you,’ Dallon smiled, stepping back from Brendon. ‘Nice to see you again, Bren.’

‘Yeah. You too, nurse,’ Brendon chuckled.

Ryan hit his boyfriend lightly. ‘Stop flirting.’

‘I wasn’t,’ Brendon whined back like a child. He grabbed Ryan’s hand, beside him. ‘Do you think we should?’

Ryan nodded. Ryan was really nervous to talk to William again. He didn’t know what to say. There’s nothing that he could say to make this go away. _I’m sorry_ simply wouldn’t be enough.

    William was sitting upright when they walked in and the smile on his face was a relief, even if the stretch of William’s skin across his bones made him feel uncomfortable. William resembled a skeleton. ‘Hey,’ William greeted quietly. ‘I was wondering when you were going to come.’

‘Hey, man,’ Brendon chimed in. He stepped forward first – pulling his arms around William. Ryan had frozen inches away from the bed.

‘Are you looking after him?’ William asked Brendon.

‘I think it’s you we need to worry about being looked after,’ Brendon replied.

Ryan turned to Brendon. ‘You know what would be nice? If you could go and get me a cup of tea or something?’

‘I think he wants to get rid of you,’ William laughed softly.

‘Yeah, me too,’ Brendon grinned. ‘I’m going.’

Ryan reached forward to kiss Brendon softly. ‘Thank you,’ he whispered.

Brendon strolled out of the room in search of the cafeteria.

‘How are you doing?’ Ryan questioned.

‘Aren’t you going to give me a hug?’ William teased.

‘Of course,’ Ryan stuttered. ‘If you want.’

Ryan reached forward and wrapped his arms around William’s bony shoulders. ‘There. That wasn’t so hard,’ William laughed lightly.

      ‘I just – let me say this,’ Ryan started, sitting down in the chair next to the bed. ‘I’m really sorry. I have been a really shitty friend. But I promise that I am going to make it up to you.’

‘You really don’t need to apologise. I haven’t been the greatest in this either,’ William shrugged.

‘Please don’t just forgive me that easily.’

‘I do though. I forgive you. You’re my best friend. What I need to know is whether you can forgive me?’ William fawned, evidently tired.

‘I don’t understand,’ Ryan questioned, perplexed.

‘I expected too much from you. I expected too much from everyone. I – I – Please don’t blame yourself for this. I have had to face up to some truths in here. Namely, that my condition is my own fault and that I’m my own responsibility. So, promise me from now on – you won’t blame yourself.’

Ryan nodded. ‘If I knew how bad things were, I would have helped you,’ Ryan sniffed. He didn’t want to cry twice in one day.

‘I know,’ William mouthed. ‘You are always going to be my best friend.’

‘Same.’

‘I heard something about you coming out?’ William ventured.

‘Oh. Yeah. My parents kicked me out. I’m living with Brendon now.’

‘Holy shit,’ William gasped. ‘That’s fucking terrible. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for that.’

‘It’s because of you that I did it. You made me realise that life is too short to be ashamed of who you are,’ Ryan smiled. ‘I do love you.’

‘I love you, Rybear,’ William wheezed.

Ryan reached out his hand to grab William’s. ‘I promise we’ll get through this, Bilvy. I’m not going anywhere. You’re going to be alright. Everything is going to be alright.’


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long. Life got so busy. But I haven't given up yet and I'm going to finish it eventually. Thanks for waiting! <3

William was doing better. He felt horrible but he was getting there. Every day Jenna and Dallon told him how well he was doing. He hated them for it but he was trying not to resist it. In therapy, he was realising that the death of his father was linked to his eating issues – his mind was trying to process the loss of his favourite person in the world and how he would miss all of his future achievements. How an earth was he ever going to live up to his father? How was he going to take care of his mother? He needed a way out and hell, did he find one. His insecurities and tendency to self-destruct had conspired against him. His fondness for sex had done him no favours. He realised all of this now. He was trying to face facts – his dad was dead and he had to cope with that, nobody could bring him back but everyone was fighting to bring William through this so he had to try.

Today was the day that they were going to take him off a UV – in fact, take off all fluids altogether. He had made so much progress that they thought he could progress to solids. William still thought he was ugly, fat and he hated food – he needed time to adjust all that in his mind but he understood it better and he was able to catch those thoughts before they turned into actions – he’d worked really hard on that. Today was a special day for another reason – it was his last day before he was an adult. Tomorrow, he was 18 and William didn’t have to keep Gabe a secret. He could tell the whole world if he wanted to.

   The early morning sun blared through the blinds and he huffed, turning over against the sun to block it out. He heard the familiar wheels of Dallon’s trolley. Every morning was the same – how he was feeling today, they would weigh him, ask him how therapy was going and ask if anyone was supposed to be visiting today. Every Tuesday he went to group therapy and every day he had to go to private therapy. Derek was helping him to look in the mirror and work on how he perceived his physical flaws. In the last week, William had seen himself for the first time – bones, spots, dry skin, greasy hair, bald patches, dark rings around his eyes, shaky hands and shallow breathes. This was not an attractive person. But no matter how much he wanted to change that – no matter how much he wanted to take it all back: the facts remained – his father was dead and so was his appetite.

Dallon smiled at him, leaving the trolley outside.

‘How are we today?’

‘Fine. Bored of this place as per usual,’ William shrugged. He turned towards Dallon with a friendly smile.

‘Well, you’re making excellent progress. You going to stand up for me?’ Dallon put the weights he was carrying on the floor. He gently helped William up and onto them. ‘That’s not bad,’ Dallon said, helping William back onto the bed. ‘Are you going to see Ezra today?’

‘Probably. We like walking outside.’

‘Good. I’m glad you two have something to do together.’

‘Can I ask you a question about him?’

Dallon picked up the weights from the floor, grabbing a clipboard from the end of the bed and scribbling something down. ‘Bilvy, I’m not allowed to discuss other patients with you.’

‘Please?’

‘Well, what is it?’ Dallon sighed.

‘Why did he try to kill himself?

‘I really can’t answer that.’

‘Please. I won’t tell him you told me. I can’t ask him.’

Dallon sighed. ‘A combination of factors I imagine – not fitting in, being agender and pansexual, having depression and ADHD.’ William pouted because he already knew all those things and he knew that there was a reason – he could see it in Dallon’s eyes. ‘He’s a really nice guy,’ Dallon smiled. ‘I thought you two might get along.’

‘Tell me the truth,’ William insisted.

Dallon put the clipboard back. ‘His best friend died and he couldn’t let her go.’

William looked down and frowned. ‘Oh.’

‘Is the bae coming today?’

‘Not today. He’s coming tomorrow though.’

‘Of course he is, tomorrow is a big day. How are you feeling about it?’

‘Do you mean my birthday or going onto solids?’

‘Both.’

William shrugged. ‘I can’t wait to go home.’

‘You’ll be there soon. You’re doing really well.’

‘Th-thanks.’

‘I’ll come back later on. Here,’ Dallon said, grabbing something from under his trolley. ‘If anyone asks, I didn’t give this to you, okay?’ William reached out to receive a magazine.

‘Gay Times?’ William laughed. ‘Oh my god. You’re a life saver. I’m going crazy in here.’

Dallon laughed. ‘Don’t get up to any mischief,’ he said, walking out of the room.

‘I’ll try not to,’ William called back.

      William drifted back into sleep until a knock at the door abruptly woke him up. He turned to see Ezra standing in the doorway with a huge smile.

‘Hey sleepy head. Wanna feed the ducks around the pond?’

‘Sure. But – what are we going to feed them with?’

‘My mom is one of the chair people for the hospital so she managed to bring me some pellets.’

William smiled at his friend. Ezra was a tall, pale, hipster 23 year old. He smoked cigarettes and read lesbian poetry. Ezra loved green tea and he seemed unable to control his passions – one minute he would be cast down with the weight of the world and the next, he would be bouncing around the room like Tiger on speed. William quite liked that. Ezra was a flash of colour in the sanitised, white hospital that he now called home. William stood up with the help of Ezra; they had a routine that they stuck to like clockwork parts – Ezra would place William’s shoes on his feet, Ezra would help William into his normal clothes and out of his hospital gown that he didn’t have to wear anymore, but did at night because it smelt like Gabe; they would venture outside, in the hospital park next to William’s room, walk around and talk until they both felt tired enough to come in or they had to because of hospital regulations – whichever came first. William linked arms with Ezra as they slowly walked down the slope to the outside. The sun hurt William’s eyes, the cold February wind made his nose vibrate, his brittle hair danced uncontrollably and William put his free hand in his jacket pocket.

Ezra lead them towards the pond and they sat down on the bench, William was trying not visibly pant – his lungs were struggling with the fresh air, even after a week of prior exposure, despite everything: it felt good to have it all back on his skin. Ezra produced a paper bag of pellets from his pocket and he threw one into the empty, winter pond. A fish snatched it from the surface of the water and quickly swam away. After the first three pellets went into the water, two ducks glided into sight. Both the young men grinned as the birds chattered to each other, approaching the spot where Ezra was throwing food.

William glanced in Ezra’s direction as his arm went back to throw another, the sun caught the scars on his arm – deep, pink gashes from the length of his rolled up sleeve to his wrist. The two ducks argued over the pellets and William looked back at the water, his breath misting up in the air. He hoped that Ezra hadn’t seen that he noticed because he didn’t want to make the moment awkward.

‘A straight edged razor,’ Ezra said, matter of factly.

‘Wh-what?’ William replied, still refusing to look back at his friend.

‘That’s how I got those scars. I cut myself so hard that I passed out and I had to beg my mom not to get paramedics involved. I convinced her that it was a one off. She wanted to believe it so bad – _I_ wanted to believe it too. It was the week after that – when I did it for the first time, tried to kill myself, I mean.’

More ducks flew over. In fact, the pellets were causing quite a commotion. ‘It wasn’t the same this time. I was sixteen then – everything felt like the end of the world. This time, it wasn’t an admission for death – it was just – a need to rest; not to live. If she was here, she would have been so fucking disappointed. But I don’t want to have to let her go. I don’t want to have to live whilst she’s lying beneath a headstone in a cemetery. We were supposed to grow old together – I was supposed to plan her wedding and teach her kids how to smoke weed.’ Ezra paused. He threw a handful of pellets into the water this time. ‘Sorry, I don’t know why I’m telling you this.’

‘No. It’s okay.’ William took his hands out of his pockets and grabbed Ezra’s. ‘We’ve all been through shit. You know, what you’re feeling is completely normal – I lost my dad and I don’t know how I’m going to get over that but if killing myself is the only to prevent myself from moving on – well, he wouldn’t want that for me. Your friend wouldn’t want that for you, either – you know?’

‘That’s deep,’ Ezra smirked.

‘I know,’ William laughed. ‘I had a lot of time to think about it.’

‘I just have this immeasurable sadness inside me that can’t be drowned out.’

‘I know,’ William whispered.

  William knew that he needed to start again. This was his chance to get better and get out alive. He was going to take it with both hands, close his eyes and grip on tight. This was make or break. 


End file.
